Cancer

Ironically, the disease itself, makes it difficult to even utter the word. Much like an alcoholic is usually the last person to realize they have the disease, only this is more choice. Often times, when a person is suffering chest pains. Maybe numbness in their arm, they'll give 32 reasons why it is anything but their heart. Countless people who suffered massive heart attacks will tell you, they tried denying it, even as the pain knocked them down. I could say CANCER in any instance, circumstance etc, without reservation, until it was in me. Once it was clearly in me, the word became a struggle to say. Verbally. I have had nothing but time to think, since this began, and think I know why I and others have such difficulty "saying the word  aloud".

Acceptance. I said " I've been diagnosed with a tumor". Not cancer. A tumor. People would ask.."is it cancer"? My response makes me laugh at myself in hindsight..."it's a tumor. Not cancer".....or...


An Alcoholic...
"I don't have a drinking problem, I only drink on days that end in the letter Y. "They cannot admit that alcohol has a hold on them. Because it holds a certain stigma. Their lifestyle would change. Where on earth would they meet people, if not in bars?


But cancer.......

The word itself incites fear. It screams of a weakness within our body. Of the unknown. And the known. And mortality.
Even I, as a medically trained physician, could not even accept the word, so, I wouldn't utter it. I wanted to wish it away. I liken my response to a child who closes their eyes, to make monsters go away, knowing when they open them, the monster will be gone. That's what I kept doing.

I owe my recovery now, and my opinion on this matter , to my daughter.

Mandy moved away. Started college. And yet, it was a video chat with her, that woke me up. It opened my eyes. I was no longer blind.

 We were talking, and she was saying something about putting her education on hold, and coming home to care for me. I kept saying "no no, you stay there, I'll be fine". And then we'd switch subjects(I did repeatedly, she just kept coming back to this) and talk. Each time I  moved away from this, she came right back to it. Finally, I snapped at her and said " Amanda Lynn..I said I'll be fine, now drop it". In the past, when I used her proper name in a sentence, it was me exerting parental control. This was no different, or so I thought...she responded

"Mom, I love you. And you are my heroine. All the things you've lived through. And not just survived, but came out the other side victorious and stronger. You taught me many things, but the one thing you taught me more than anything else was...." honesty". To others AND to yourself. No lie will improve anything, it only delays the inevitable. One day,weeks, months or years later, the truth will be revealed. Then, all those people you lied to; all the lies you told to cover that one little lie, will be revealed. And the pain you tried to avoid will be magnified by the passage of time and you'll come face to face with THE LIE. In this instance Mom, you're the person who will feel not only the pain of admitting the lies, but also feel the pain, knowing the only person hurt by lying, was yourself. My Mom, that strong willed survivor would not run from this. She'd stop, stare cancer in it's face. And kick it's ass. And it starts with you being honest, to yourself. Now, do I need to come home Mom ? Honestly".

Honesty...I honestly admitted that by denying cancer was in me, I was not living. Not fighting. Not winning. Not surviving. I was being a "victim"..I was dying. Physically and mentally.

One day, maybe they'll come up with a cancer treatment that isn't so inclusive of healthy organs. Maybe one day cancer will no longer be so hard to say. To accept. Until that time, I'll scream to the heavens and medical community. HONESTY to oneself will substantially help the chances of fighting cancer.


Dawn
 

ps. No Amanda didn't have to come home

You announced that your cancer had return a few days after KgC120 convinced me to read a book called, "Enshrine" By Chelle Bliss.
https://www.amazon.com/Enshrine-Chelle-Bliss-ebook/dp/B017C9DEQI/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=chelle+bliss+enshrine&qid=1569522555&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Read this post and most of the book came screaming back to my mind vividly. It gave me a deeper understanding of what you went through and what could happen again. Your words here echo Callista's throughout the majority of the book! if you need to vent about your ordeal you know where I am!

[Kylie]

It is so brave to have honesty.