Author Topic: Intersexionality  (Read 491 times)

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« on: November 15, 2017, 09:26:28 PM »

This is mostly consensual...


Doctor Milgram

He came to me in tears because the boys made fun of him.

Avery, a 7th grader at the time. They mostly said the usual things, called him runt, wussy, girl, gay, then finally crybaby when it had the desired affect.

I told him that they just say these things to get a laugh.  He told me which boys, so I could deal with them later, but then he mentioned that one of these things didn't hurt his feelings.  

Well, for one thing, he gets picked on for being so small, and underdeveloped.  He mentioned that it was after Gym, because the boys in question were in his Phys-Ed class, and we've had these problems before.  Not just with these boys, but our coach is, well?  A coach, he drives the boys to push themselves, and I've talked to the school board for several years, but I believe his tone may encourage this kind of behavior.  For instance, calling them "girls," or "ladies," referring to their "Panties," or "Grab your dollies, and dishes, and head for the showers."  Seems to be one of his favorite insults, and I sincerely do not see the need to push middle schoolers so hard when they're not even on a sports team.

He was in the military, and played some fraction/back for the Army team in college.  He was an officer, and that's part of his teaching method, but unfortunately some of the boys tend to follow his example.  Typically the bigger boys, who may be farther along in their early development, and then turn around to make fun of the ones who aren't.  He is, below the typical height of a 12 year old, and being poor does not help.  Just one more thing to be harassed about, but in this environment, the bullying can take on a more sexual nature, especially as he also teaches Health in the other semester.  

2 classes, a Health class, and Physical Education, in the same semester, then the students change schedule.  Girls have gym in the spring, then they have Health in the fall, and boys are vice-versa, this is standard curriculum.  For 7th graders, typically the older boys move on to 8th grade, but checking his record, that's one of the things that held him back last year.  He failed gym, passed Health, but it's a required grade, and his math skills aren't that great.  His language skills are ahead of others in his grade, understandable as he's repeating, especially his writing, and reading comprehension, but he's struggling in History.

Predictably, he came back the next day, and the next.  Skipped lunch, but following on the heels of Phys Ed.  Unfortunately he won't waive the class for being teased, I spoke to the coach and he said "I know the one you're talking about, and it's about time he manned up."

I have no authority to even reprimand him, it's not my department, and I am a counselor.  I can advise them, the students, and I've spoken to him before, but he doesn't use any words that are on the list.  He can't say those, so he works around them, and the numerous reports are dismissed.  Certainly the school board has enough to take some disciplinary action, or at least say something to him about it, it's been years, and it's affecting his students.  Not just the late bloomers and the ones failing, but also the biggest, and most developed.  I swear it encourages bullying, but so far my pleas have not even been answered.  The principal, and the 7th grade vice principal say they will speak to him, but if they have, it hasn't had any lasting effect.

So, Avery has taken to having lunch with me, in my office, to avoid the boys continuing their abuse after they change from gym.

"Mrs. Milgram?"  He confided over his tray.

"Yes, Avery."

"How cum girl is an insult?"

"Well, because we are perceived as the weaker sex, so boys who wish to demonstrate their strength, and dominance like to compare you to girls, and assert that disparity."

"So, there's nothing wrong with being a girl?"

"Oh, of course not."

"And they can't hit girls."

"They can't hit boys either.  Are they hitting you again?"

"A little.  Not hard, they didn't beat me up, but you know.  On the butt, and the."  He crossed his arms.  "Do you think it's gay?"

"I honestly don't know.  In that environment, a lot of boys emulate their teacher, you know that, he hasn't been hitting the boys behinds, again.  Has he?"  He has been warned about that before.

"Just with balls, but.  Uh, in health class, he told us that the balls drop when we are younger.  They're supposed to when we're babies, and they call me, Balless Wallace."

"Huh, well Chrytorchidsm isn't all that uncommon."

"And my breasts."

Still covering his chest, I thought back a moment ago, "They touch you there, as well?"

"And Jeremy hit me between the legs."

"Huh!" I got out an incident report.  "Well, this is a little more serious, so tell me about it."

"Well, he was showing off for the guys, and called me Balless Wallace again, and hit me there, and said, 'see?'  Then he started touching my breasts, and calling me pretty boy, and girl, and fag, and asked me if I liked it.  I said no, I didn't."

"Hold on," finished wringing, "Now, when you say your breasts."

"My nipples, and under my nipples."  He pulled down his arms, and his shirt with them.  "Here."

"Avery.  If you wouldn't mind, would you pull up your shirt?"

"Sorry," his face flushed, and he pulled it up, so that it wasn't tight.  

"Purely for medical reasons, but if it wouldn't make you uncomfortable.  Would you mind pulling up your shirt, so I may see your chest?"

"Oh, no."  he untucked it, while I got out another form.  "How's this?"

When he said breasts, of course boys have a breast, just like a chicken, or turkey does.  They have nipples as well, however coming in fully clothed, I hadn't seen, or payed attention to his chest, nor noticed any development there before.

"Well, I'm going to have to remove you from that class."

"Oh, good!"

"Have you shown your doctor?"

"I don't have one."  he pulled it down, and returned to his seat.

"Well, that would explain why this hasn't been noticed before."  Unfortunately, the first ones who saw it, were bullies in the boy's room, "But I'm going to schedule an appointment with the school nurse.  Just like a checkup,"

"What's that like?"

"You've never had a checkup?"

"At the dentist, but my dad's work doesn't cover medical.  Only dental for us."

"Huh!" never get used to children falling through cracks in the system.  It is not a perfect system, especially for children who are so different, there aren't really systems in place to catch them.  "Now Avery, do you ever feel like a girl?"

"What's that feel like?"  He shrugged.

"I suppose you have no frame of reference."  Only brothers, "Your brothers hadn't noticed, your breast development?"  I found the chart, and rolled the drawer shut.

"I have my own room."

Consulting the chart, I wrote [Tanner Stage 2, Breast buds beginning to approach stage 3.]  2 1/2?  2 1/3?  [Some Underarm Growth.]

"Well, this it one of those things that may be fortunate in some ways, and unfortunate in others."

"How so?"  While we talked, I pulled out the form for him to see the nurse.  Tomorrow, "Well, the privacy is an advantage, considering your.  Unique and special development."

"What's wrong with me, Dr. Milgram?"

"Nothing's wrong with you.  Other than being victimized by boys, but I'm not qualified to diagnose your condition.  So, you'll have to see the nurse tomorrow."  [Suggested Appointment:  11:15-11:45]  "However, I'm scheduling it for your gym class, so that should get you out of that, environment.  For the time being, until we can work out possible placement."


"I'm here to help.  Now, there are several conditions, broadly defined as Intersex.  I'll have to do some research to narrow down possible specific disorders, and syndromes, but I can discuss it with him when he comes in in the morning."

"Nurse Sorham?"

"Yes.  This is unfortunately outside of my expertise, but in the meantime, I can also start researching how I can treat your emotional and mental state.  You understand that you are different."

He nodded, "I always felt different.  Even before, I saw that the other boys.  Well, their balls especially."

"Their testes descended."  Which reminds me, [Cryptorchidism]  "Which is, as I said, not uncommon.  However the aspect I have no experience with is."  [Gynecomastia]  "Your breast growth, is atypical for simply having undescended testes.  Your late development is, however girls tend to start developing breasts, before age twelve."

"In 4th grade."

"On up to sixth, so a remote possibility.  Well, I suppose they're all rare conditions, but together."  Shake my head, "Well, the probability is irrelevant.  We seem to be dealing with any one of a number of rare conditions, considering I've worked with children your age for years, and never encountered one before."

"I wouldn't mind, if I was a girl."  He rubbed her chest.  "I like them."

"Your breasts?"

"Mhn?  They're neat, and they feel neat."  He was starting to blush again, but not in embarrassment.  

"Well, try to refrain from playing with them, except in private."  He let his hands fall, and held them in his lap.  "What you do in private is private, but it's inappropriate, at your age, to do in front of people."

"Could you write a note for my mom?"

"Of course."  I wiggled the mouse to wipe out the screensaver, and pulled the keyboard over the pages.  "What would you like me to say?"

"Well, just tell her I might be a girl, and I'd like.  Ngh!"  That looked more like embarrassment.

"It's all right.  No need to be ashamed."

"Well, I'd like some, prettier clothes.  To wear."

"Such as?"

"Well, you know.  A dress, and maybe some underwear?"

"You may have to begin wearing a training bra."


"Well, for the other students.  Among other things, they help prevent you showing through your shirt.  Which may be distracting."

"Dr. Milgram?  You member when you asked if I feel like a girl?  Sometimes.  I guess.  Huh, I feel a little jealous."

"Of girls?  How so?"

"Well, they're pretty, and they get to wear pretty things, like makeup, and.  Sometimes I just wish I could talk to them.  About makeup, and fashion, but I don't want to play with dolls, or anything.  I still like boy toys, like swords, and trucks, and tools, and stuff."

"That's fine.  It's perfectly all right for girls to like typically masculine things like science, sports, and tools.  Just as it should be more acceptable for boys to appreciate classically feminine things like fashion, sewing, cooking, and sharing your feelings."

"I want a friend.  A girl, I can talk about this stuff with, like you?"

"Well, I don't know if I can help you with girls.  That's really outside my duties as a councelor, however I can help you with how you feel about them."

"Well, until I get one, can you be my friend?"

"Of course.  I do care for you, and I consider you a friend, as well as.  A student."

"Well, good, because I have nobody to talk about clothes with."

"Well," I looked up at the clock, "Perhaps tomorrow, after you see the nurse.  The lunch bell is going to ring soon, so you better get to class."

"Okay.  Dr. Milgram?"

"You can call me Meredith."

"Thanks," he took the trays.  "I'd like that."


{This is going to go slow.  Due to the obstacles involved, specifically the physical development, and the confusion which can interfere with romantic attachment.  Not to mention age disparity, and the professional relationship which conflicts with taboos about a school faculty member in a relationship with one of her students.  I'll get there, but these things take time...}



"So, how did it go with the nurse?"

"Well, he checked me out, and took some blood." he rubbed the inside of his elbow.  "He said to test for hormones, but your remember what you said about conditions and syndromes?  Well, I asked him about them, and he said he'll have to look them up, too."

"Speaking of which."  I got out my notes, "I discussed it with him this morning, but also stopped by the medical library for reference."  Slipped on my glasses.  "Let me see.  The obvious Testicular Dysgenesis."

"Oh," he unfolded a paper, "He said to give you this."  I looked up, from the bottom half of my bifocals, and took it.

"He said that, Testicular."

"Dysgenesis."  I nodded.  [Preliminary Diagnosis.]  "Huh!  Okay, preliminary diagnosis is a contradiction in terms."  I put it down, "I'll read it later, but if it's preliminary, and the lab hasn't even gotten your blood to test yet, it's too early for a diagnosis.  So, as I was saying, TDS is unlikely, because your Gynecomastia can't be caused."

"Yeahbut, he said the shape of it seemed to fit with that, syndrome."


"My penis."

[Cleft glans, medial hypospadias, and partial ventral split.]

"Huh, this is all very clinical, so what exactly are we talking about?"

"Well, Dr. Meredith.  If it wouldn't be inappropriate, it's easier to show you then explain."  He started undoing his pants, so I put my glasses up.

"No, that's fine.  I am a doctor."

"What kind of doctor?"

"I have a PhD in Education, Masters in Developmental Psychology, and Doctorate in Pediatrics.  I am not a practicing pediatrician, howev, oh!"  I nodded, "Yes, I see." It's split, about half way down, "Where you circumcized?"  Squinting.

"Uh huh?"

"Then, how could the doctor possibly have missed that?  I'm going to have to request your medical records, but I'll need your parent's permission."

"Oh," he zipped them back up, "Both parents, or just my mom?"

"Either signature will do for the release form, you can take this home with you, but."

"It always.  I mean, it wasn't always like this.  The hot-dog bun?  It keeps splitting more, and more, while I'm growing up."


"It usedtabe be more normal, except in the end.  That was always split, but since I started puberty, my.  Urine, hole."


"Yeah, that.  It started migrating down, or really staying still, while the rest is growing out more."

"Oh."  I nodded, "And I suppose the way it naturally hangs over your.  Scrotum."

"Yeah, that covers it up, and the spot in the middle."

"What spot?"

"I didn't know you weren't supposed to have 2, scrotums until Health class last year, but it's stuck, in the middle?"  I couldn't see that part from my brief glance.

"Oh, yes."  [Adhered to the Perineum]  "I see that here."  Setting my glasses back on my nose.

"So, he said that's all consistent with my Testicular.  Dis."


"Yeah, so many words to learn, but he wrote me a vocabulary sheet."

"Remind me, hypospadias?"

He looked over his notes.  Read, "A misplacement of the urethra, on the underside of the,'

"Oh yes.  Makes sense."  Medial being about the middle.  

"So, it's like half, and half," he shrugged, "I guess."  Nodded.

"And you feel better about it?"

"Oh yes, since momma talked to me about it."

"How did that go?"

"She's delighted, or she said delightful, but that's the same thing in a different tense.  She always wanted a daughter too, and now I'm glad I get to be a daughter for her.  In private, the boys still don't know."

"So, you get to do the girl talk."

"Well?  She said she can't do the normal talk, for girls my age, because I don't have any of the lady parts.  Except the breasts, I guess, but oh yeah.  She took me shopping."

"For a dress?"

"Just the training bra, for now."  He pouted, "She's worried the boys might find it, something like the dress, and I tried on some panties, but they don't fit right."

"That's understandable."

"So, it's just a training bra for now, but that helps hide them better, and I don't feel so weird any more."

"Weird how?"

"Around school?  Oh yeah, and Nurse Sorham said I don't have to do Gym any more, for medical reasons."


The bell rang.  "Time for lunch, you hungry?"  I got up.

"I guess.  I'm a growing kid, so I should eat anyway."

"Boy or girl?"

"I don't know yet."

"Well, regardless of what the tests say, it's your choice.  You get to chose how you identify, and it's really nobody else's business."

"I still don't know yet."

"Well, let me go get our food."  They won't give him 2 trays.  Or her, though at least for the time being he's living as a boy until further notice.

I suppose we will have to wait, and see.


Dr. Milgram  {Same PoV for the purpose of narrative, however her identity shifts as she switches out hats.  For instance from Friend and Confidant to Councelor, and Therapist, then eventually mother/lover, for various reasons.}

"Uh!" he turned away.  

"Oh!" I closed the door, and looked away, while he pulled his pants up.  "You weren't."

"Playing with myself?"  He nodded, and zipped up.  "You said it was okay, in private."

"Huh!"  I set down my tray.  "I ment at home, but my office.  I'm sorry, you just.  I wasn't expecting."  To come back, and catch him masturbating in my office.  "Huh!  I suppose, if you need privacy, not just to discuss these.  Matters, but also to explore your body away from home, I shouldn't discourage it."

"I just got an erection."

"Which is perfectly natural.  I'm sorry, you just surprised me.  It's quite all right, you need a moment?"

"Oh no, it went away as soon as you came back, anyway."

"Mhm?"  I chewed, and opened my milk.  Took a moment to consider our options, while I washed it down.  "Huh!" set it down, "Now, I understand, from what I've read so far that being unique, children like you."

"Oh, I decided.  I want to be a girl."

"Not just because your mother wants a daughter.  It has to be your decision, and yours alone, so don't feel pressured by anyone."

"Oh no.  It's not that, but I  was just thinking about growing up, and I decided that i want breasts, and as they grow, it will get harder, and harder to hide them, or find boy clothes that fit, and I really want girl clothes anyway."

"Mh," I swallowed, "So, lets talk about clothing then."

"Okay!"  She grinned.  I suppose I should begin to start to think of him as her, for the time being.  

"You can always change your mind later, but for the time being have you given any thought to how you might like to dress?"

"Like a girl, but boy underpants.  So I can pee, I can pee standing up, it's just not as easy as a boy, but it's easier than sitting down."

"So, a fly.  Would you like me to write this down?"

"If you like, I don't have any trouble remembering."

"Maybe after lunch, that will give us time to come to more conclusions, and think them through anyway."  I picked up a bite.  He didn't.  No, She didn't touch Her tray yet, but this is more important, and Lunch just started.

"Pretty.  Dresses, and skirt, and tops.  I like spaghetti straps, they really show off girl's shoulders, and bra straps, and breasts if they have any."

"Mh HM!"  I pulled out my sweater, and crossed my arms.

He looked up.

She, I mean she.  Looked up, at my face.


"It's understandable, talking about breasts, with them right in front of you, but make an effort not to stare.  It's inappropriate."

"Okay, mis' Meredith."  he thought.  No, she, looked at my hand.  "Is it miss, or missus?"

I held out my engagement ring, took it off.  "Oh this.  Huh, this is mostly a reminder."  I set it down in the slot for my fork.  Made a mental note to remember it there.  "Huh!  I suppose, I am a widow, of sorts."  I swallowed the lump in my throat, "It's still a little painful, but my fiancee died.  Before we could get married, we were still in the process of planning the wedding, so we didn't get the chance."

"To have children?"

"Of my own.  I suppose I always wanted to be a mother, like any other girl my age."  I shook my head, "At the time, I mean."

"You're young."

"In my 20s, fresh out of college, and I had hoped to care for them, my children when I was getting my degrees.  I had a nervous breakdown.  Graduate school, with my grief, and it felt like my life was crashing down around me, but."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Snh!  it's not your fault."

"Well?  I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt your feelings, or make you cry."

"Huh!  Thank you, for being so sweet, but that's."  Looked down, "Water under the bridge, I suppose."  Slipped back on, and settled it back in place.  Held it up, and looked at it, on my hand.

"So, let's change the subject."  he nodded, "What kind of girl were you, in school?"


"Like on Thanksgiving?"

"Huh, funny you should mention it, but they called us the the Pilgrim Milgrams, when they found out they were Puritans in history class.  In November, for Thanksgiving, they had the usual plays where they dressed up the fat kid as a turkey."  That was an unkind thing of me to say.  "Huh!  They always dressed up, the heaviest child, it's cruel, really."

"Yeah, huh!"  She gulped down milk, and set down her fork.  "So, that's why you dress like you're Amish?"

"I'm not Amish, I don't have a wimple, or prayer bonnet.  We were Quakers, or I was raised Quaker, but went to public school.  Huh!  I suppose, it's just at work.  For work, I have a professional, image to maintain.  I don't dress as modestly at home."

"Oh, so you have some prettier clothes."

"And more comfortable too.  Let me tell you, wearing sweaters, button up collars, and ties isn't exactly comfortable in spring."

"So that's why you keep the office so cold."

"Oh no.  I don't have a thermostat in here.  It's central air for the whole school, but I suppose I am closer to the unit.  It gets very hot in here, in winter, because it's also the heater."

"Oh," she nodded, and swallowed.  "So that's what the sweaters are for."  

I nodded, mouth full.  "Mhm?"  Usually take them off on the way out.

"I like them."

I set my milk down.  "My sweaters?"  Empty, so I pushed my tray back.  Half pints, never nearly enough, so I turned back to my bags, and got out my tea.

He threw out our cartons, and sat down.

No, she, and I never noticed before how she does that.  Didn't pay any mind until the subject of her sex came up, but she does that.  Shares in cleaning up after our lunches together, which I have taken to looking forward to.  Especially today, expectant of what they found out with the nurse.  Normally, we alternate, I don't have to come in every day, but I'm on salary, so it doesn't matter if I work irregular hours.  As needed, I'm also on call on my days off, but today I came in expressly for him.  Until I found out she would prefer be thought of as her.

"Would you like some?"  She got a glass.  From the water cooler, but empty, so I poured some.

"Did you play tea party?"

"As a little girl, yes."

"And dressup?"

"Of course."

"So, I was thinking, I don't really have any place to dress up, when I get some nice clothes, of course."

"Of course."

"So, do you think it would be all right if I brought them here?  I don't have to worry about gym clothes any more, so I should have room in my book bag, and if I kept them here, then I wouldn't have to worry about the boys finding them."

"You don't like boys," I noticed her frown, "Do you?"

She made a face, "I think I'm gonna be a lesbian."


"I don't like boys, I like girls?"

"I know, but.  Huh!  I mean, why in particular?"

"Well, because they're all mean, and ugly, and gross, and girls are so much nicer, and look nicer, and they're sexy.  Boys aren't."

"Fair enough, but you know that sexism goes both ways."

"How so?"

"Well, for instance you experienced sexism from the other side, in the boys room.  You know how anything feminine is gay, and being a man entails things like hiding your feelings, and getting angry rather than express them in healthy ways."

"Oh, huh!"

"Yes, so that's Why boys tend to be rough, loud, and.  Mean, especially in middle school, and especially in Gym.  Because they don't know how to express any other feelings, and are taught that Anger is masculine."

"Like Coach."


"Huhn!' she sighed, "I sure hope momma can get some money, to go shopping with."

"Oh, is that why she only brought you the training bra?"

"Well, she said it'll be easier to hide, and she would have got me underpants to match too, if they weren't so uncomfortable.  It's okay, for a girl to wear boy underwear, right?"

"You can wear whatever you like.  Especially considering your unique and special needs, like having a fly."

She giggled, "I guess I don't need a fly in a skirt, huh.  I can just hold it up!"

"Haha, yeah.  I suppose that's one of the conveniences of being a lady, we don't have to pull our pants down in the bathroom."

"It sure is nice, peeing standing up, though.  Even if it is harder for me."

"You shouldn't think about, or actually dwell too much on what's expected of you as a boy, or a girl.  Especially with all the peer pressure you experience at this age, you should decide for yourself, what you want to do.  Whether it's what you want to wear, or what you want to do with your life, whether it's as a man, or a woman."

"Except for have kids.  I probably can't have kids, I mean as a real mother, or father.  I don't think I can even have sex, the way we learned about in Health class, so how can I have children?"

"Well, we'll have to wait for the tests to come back, to really understand your options, but there's years and years before you have to worry, about that, and."  I swallowed.

"I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings again, didn't I?"

"It's all right.  Huh!  I accepted that it might not happen for me, a while ago, but.  It's still painful sometimes."

"Not being a mother."

"Why I decided to work in schools, it certainly wasn't for the money!  Huh, ha!  It gives me opportunities to help you children, become young adults.  Especially you, now.  I've never had an opportunity to get to know someone as unique, and special as you are, and I truly appreciate it.  I consider it an honor, and privilege."


We hugged, and I did feel ever so much better.

"I'll take the trays."

"I'm done," I didn't finish it, but I barely noticed what we were eating, considering how intense the conversations with her are.

Especially now that I know with whom I am talking.

A girl, the most unique, and special little girl I have ever known.

"Well," she stopped at the door.  "If worse comes to worse, I guess I can adopt."

"Huh!' returning to my desk, I brought up the word processor to start drafting a letter to the school board.  No use putting it off, sooner would be better than later, but of course they don't have a helpful form to fill out for this sort of contingency.

I am just at a loss as how to request permission for her to begin attending as a female student, so start there.

Sex:  M [ ] F

If only it were as simple as that, but I can look forward to working longer hours.

An honor, and a privilege.

Yes, look at it like that.  I'm now at the front lines of a little sexual revolution, and she does have a medical basis for the request, or she will, as soon as the tests come back.

Never too soon to start.  Regardless of what they say, I will have to write this, and submit it for approval at some point, so better get started.


Official Version


Nurse Sorham

I knocked.

"Come in?"

"Hey, Doctor."

"Oh, I was just going to finish this up," she pushed the keyboard back, "I assume you want to talk about Avery."

I took the chair, "Well, that, and something he said."


"She's transgender?"

"Intersex, but yes.  She's decided for the time being to at least explore the possibility of becoming a woman."

"I suppose she could go either way, but it's about Coach Sobchek."


"He, sorry.  I mean she, Avery.  Huh!  I just realized, that could be taken as a female name."

"Of course, now about the Coach?"

"Oh yes, well Avery mentioned your theory about his talk encouraging the boys that bully him, and that reminded me of.  You understand, because of confidentiality I can't name names, but some of the other boys came to me with questions."

"They could have come to me."

"Yes, however though you may be more qualified, you're also a woman, so they were more comfortable coming to me."

"Fair enough.  He hasn't been touching him, has he?"

"No, however I may be able to make a case for sexual harassment, since the history with."

"He has prior history?"

"I thought you knew.  That's why the locker room bullying has escalated, the last few years.  Well, indirectly, they have the privacy since he's not allowed in there, with the boys."

"What did he do?"

"The usual?  He said some things that, could be construed as sexually, suggestive."

"How so?"

"About homosexuals, and ways that boys should behave.  So that they would not be seen as homosexual, or less masculine."

"Sounds like his brand of alpha male power assertive ideation?"

"Sorry, you're the psychiatrist, so could you save me the trouble of looking up.  Power-assertive, is it?"

"It's a particular kind of narcissism, focused on hypermasculinity, and a heirarchy of men, based on their level of masculinity."

"So, the Alpha male."

"Exactly, he sees it as his Role, and Asserts his position by belittling lesser males to put them in their place.  They may escalate to sexual abuse, and even sexually motivated homicide to reinforce that self image."

"Oh, so you're saying he could be, a.  Serial, rapist?"

"The type, due to the heirarchal nature of their worldview.  When they perceive their status is threatened, they May, in extreme cases, act out violently to re-secure their position."

"They fight for the top."

"Or, they take it out on women, and homosexuals, or lesbians I suppose.  As a combination of threats.  They can't live in the real world, where they're just normal guys, they have to be the best.  Being an allstar, then failing to go pro, especially in an environment like the Army ROTC, then losing a position of Authority like a Commanding Officer are the sorts of stressors that may trigger them to escalate."

"So, it sounds more like sexual harassment, in the sense of Sexism, than in the sense of Sexuality?"

"Exactly, for clarity we like to differentiate between Sex, and Gender, to avoid confusion."

"Yes, of course.  You wouldn't mind discussing this after work, away from the school?"

"That's actually a very good idea, so we can speak more comfortably."

"Not that I'm paranoid that your office is bugged, but.  At the same time, I can't help but feel a little conspiratory about, the whole.  Thing."

"About Avery?"

"Well, yes.  Actually, lets talk about.  Her?"

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well, fascinated, to be perfectly honest.  I've never, sure I've read papers, and studies, but I've never dealt with these kinds of birth defects before."

"Huh, well to limit the risk of hurting, or offending her, you might want to avoid any language like birth Defects, that reinforce the idea that there is anything wrong with her."

"Well, what would be a less emotionally loaded way to put it?"

"Congenital Anomalies."

"See, I'm glad we had a chance to talk about this, you mind if I take some notes?"  That sounds much better.

"Of course."

"That's my problem, I don't know how to talk about it, with her.  I know the words, but she's twelve, and while she does have an impressive vocabulary, I just feel unsure how much to dumb it down, and I have to avoid gaffes like calling them birth defects.  Huh!"  I shook my head, "I feel stupid for even thinking that."

"This is an unbeaten path for all of us, but I was also thinking of adjusting my schedule, so that we can collaborate more.  On this case."

"What's the new schedule?"

"Well, I still need to be part-time, for the school-board, but instead of alternating days, I could either come in in the morning, until lunch, or leave after lunch, and still keep the same basic hours."

"Budget cuts."  They only way they can afford both of us, "I can't, without adjusting my schedule at the high school as well."

"That won't be necessary, and while I'd love to sleep in, for practical purposes it might be better to get off early, and take care of things during business hours.  I have to find her a qualified doctor, and possibly endochrinologist."

"Oh, I have some preliminary findings here."  I got out the printout.  "I sent them to your mailbox."

"Email, or in the office."

"In the office, but I can send an attachment electronically."

"We'll see, but what did they find so far?"

"Not Estrogen, but."  I read, "Estradiol, which is;"

"A precursor of Estrogen, and key hormone in early adolescence."

"Female adolescence."

"Yes, which could support her claim to request reassignment."

"Surgery, but that's a long way off.  First we'd have to get clearance, and run some more tests."

"Like what?"

"Diagnostics, I'd like to get her a PET scan, but no telling where the money for that would come from."

"I could probably swing an Ultrasound."

"Out of pocket?"

"It isn't that expensive."

"Or, I could just run the ultrasound."


"I have the machine, at the high school.  They're better funded there, and with the possibility of teenage pregnancy.  Again, confidentiality."

"Not my cases, but you have to monitor them because they're high risk, I understand."

"You know, I'm glad we had a chance to do this."

"Me too, sometimes we forget we have a colleague we can nerd out with, because of our conflicting schedules."

"Yeah, I have to get back."

"To what?"

"To the high school.  I have to pack up, a lot for tomorrow's appointments."

"I understand, so see you in," she looked up, squinted, and dropped her glasses, "A couple hours?"

Far sighted, I nodded.  "Your office, or mine?"

"How about the parking lot?"

"Good plan, I have a lot to carry out anyway."

"It's a date."

Is it?  I closed the door, but.  I hadn't thought of it like that, until she said it.  Our relationship had been professional, very professional, in the years before the budget cuts, and then we hadn't seen eachother for a couple years, but I thought she was married?  Forgot to check if she still wore that ring, but I'm single, she's intelligent, and while there's some issues with dating at work, we don't actually work together at the schools.  

"Hmm," so it's something to think about, but I better get packed up.  If I'm going to get everything to the car in time, it is several trips, even with the cart.

It's these small wheels, and the steering ones that swivel all on their own, going over curbs, especially going down fully loaded without dropping anything.  Fortunately one of the Handicapped spaces is free, so after the first load I can back in there, and use the ramp.

If I was working here, instead of technically at the high school, and "Consulting" with the Jr. Highs, then maybe I could get my own space, at the curb, but now I don't even need the ramp.  I can just roll the cart right up to the back, and pop the trunk.

After I load up the back seat.

Check my watch, still a little more than an hour, but since I'm off I can take off the lab coat.  In this weather, the grass is already turning to straw.

Can't wait for summer vacation, I could use the break.




He rolled over, in the dark.

"Mh,"  Smacked his lips, and started snoring.

"Huh!"  I shook my head, bad idea.  Then got up, and tried to find the bathroom door, in the dark.

"Owh!"  Dresser.  "Uhn!"  Half hopped, naked, for the place I think I remember seeing it.

What happened last night?  "Uh!'  Too bright, I squinted, and covered my eyes.  In the mirror, my hair is wrecked.

Well, you know.  We got to talking, I went back to his place, had a little too much to drink.  So, I couldn't drive home, and one thing led to another....

I didn't have to sleep on the couch.

"Huh!"  I dropped the seat, saw the prophylactic, floating.  Turned around to have a seat.


So, there's that.

He's a nurse, he has prophylactics.  I hadn't thought to get any, in years, but fortunately he was prepared, so I don't have to worry about a pregnancy scare.

"HhHhuhuh uh!"  Think, Meredith.

"You're hung over.  And maybe still a little drunk."  

Also been a few years, "So, think about him."

He is a good man.  I always respected him professionally.  Never even worried about him with the children, and.  Avery.  I sent him Avery, without a moment's reservation, because I trust him.  Implicitly, and never even gave it a thought before now.

That is a very good man.  I just, never had feelings for him before.  "That's what your problem is," I just never thought of him, that way before.  Considered any man, romantically since Dan died, "And maybe it's time."

"Yes, of course."  It's been a few years, I grieved, and accepted his death, it's about time I moved on.

"He is, a good man."  I nodded, and got up.  "I need a shower."

My hair is wrecked, of course.  Drunk, sex.  Still have hair pins in it, "I suppose it's like riding a bike."  Just wish I remembered it better.

"Uhhh!  Huhhhhh!"

Nice, shower!

"Huhhh!  Relax, this tension can't be good for your blood pressure."

Sexual tension.  It's just been a few years, and I suppose I may be a little rusty, but I can do this.

"Uhuhuhuh!"  Get ahold of yourself, Merry.  You're not a school girl any more, you're not even a college girl any more, we're adults, and you had sex.  "Good for you!"  Nod.


It kind of feels, like I did, when I was still in school.


Right, that's the problem, "Conflict of Interest."  He's a colleague, there's rules about this sort of thing, and we work at a school.

"Professionally."  We just have to try to keep our relationship professional at work.

"Right," because that worked out, so well, when I was the intern, and he.

Well, "Water under the bridge."  I suppose it's novel, me being the doctor, and him being the nurse.

I remember asking him, last night.  "Why are you single?"

His answer?  Well, something about the social stigma of being a nurse.  It's all still a little foggy, but "Being a doctor, of course I understand."

Apparently he gets that a lot.  Isn't that a woman's job?  A sexism, but working with high school boys, and middle school boys under the tutelage of a Power Assertive coach.

"Huh!"  He's a prime example, if they came out with a new version, Holmes&Holmes would have to put a picture of him next to the diagnostic criteria.  I'm surprised he didn't go Marines, he runs that class like a Drill Sargent, barely inhibits cursing like a sailor only after multiple warnings, and lets loose in the faculty lounge to the point that I'm a little ashamed just hearing his foul tempered sexist loudmouthed conceited bullshit.

I hate him.

But there's a good man.  A really very good one, right here.  Still naked in bed, and it's still a little foggy.

Last night, so maybe I should get a better look.  With a clearer head.

"You feel better?"  he sat up, turned on the light by the bedside, and squinted.

"Huh!  Much."  

He got up, and I heard the sound of urine, falling quite a distance into water, immediately after him putting the seat up.

We can discuss that later, it's his house, his toilet, and his penis.

"Oh!"  I giggled, "Come here."

Flaccid, but I could do something about that.  Kissing his hairy midriff, and "Snhhhh!"  Closing my eyes to smell the manly musk of his unwashed body, running my hands down to his quadriceps, and, "Mhhh!"

Feeling it brush under my chin.


"Huhhhh!"  His fingers in my wet hair, and falling back.

His smile.   His pleased smile, looking down at me.  His erection swinging, on his way around the corner of the bed.  His buttock flexing, and delightedly copping a feel as he bent over the drawer.



"It's been a couple years."

"Me too."

He sat down, wilting.

So, I sat up.  "What is it?"

Holding his shoulders, kissing along one to his neck, my breast against his ribs, and scapula.

He held them out, still stuck together, but up side down, so I didn't see the brand.

"They're expired."

"Oh," I took them.  "Let me see."  Held them out, squinted.  "Huh!"  Very expired, it had literally been a couple years.

"I have some pregnancy tests, at work."

"I just had to think, 'at least there's no pregnancy scare,' just to jinx it, didn't I?"  Shook my head in my hand.

"It's okay, I have some fresher ones."  he got up, so.  

"Huhn!"  I lay back, enjoyed the view.

His glutes, flexing back and forth with his gait.

Mesmerizing, really.

"Huh!  We can worry about that later."  I don't want to ruin it.

He came back, still wagging between his legs like tail, and unwrapped a new one.

Blurry, without my glasses, but I don't have to see what I'm doing with my hands on it.

My lips, my tongue.

"Mn, hmmmm!"

"Hhhh!"  His morning breath in the air, and the fragrance blooming up from his pubes.

Scratching mine, and rubbing in my fingertips to get the juices flowing.

Natural lube, a boy asked me once why girls do it.  Blow jobs, and that's the obvious answer, but I had forgotten how much I missed it.

The tastes, and the smells, all new ones with my new man.

A very good man.  I wouldn't have any trouble loving him.  In fact, it had already begun.

I don't know why I hadn't considered it sooner.

Oh yes, and morning sex.  I'm not normally a morning person, quite the contrary, I hate them, most of the time.

Waking up alone, in my own bed, but this helps a lot.

"Good morning."  Smiling up at him.

"Yeah, let's make it even better."  He got on the bed, between my legs, and moved my hands.

"Oh!"  How could I have forgotten?  "You're good at that!"

"Smooch!" he grinned, "Its a labor of love," nodded, and went back down, to kiss me again.

"OhhHHH!"  Huh!

My hands slipped up from his hair, across my panting midriff, to my burning chest.

"Ohhh, god!  Yes!"  He's so good at this!



You know those stories, where they turn off the light, and [They made love...]  ?

This isn't one of those stories, I just skipped past the first date to avoid Spoilers.


Merwin (Yes, his name is Merwin.  MF Cons Nerd Medi/Fetish.)

I don't believe in dealbreakers, but does it hurt that she's fantastic in bed?

No, it does not.  Even blacked out drunk, I'll worry about that later, but she's so fun, and exiting, and utterly unlike anyone in my sexual experience.

First of all, you know those girls that just lie back and moan?  I couldn't have taken advantage of her, she didn't give me the chance.  She drank like someone who needed it, bitched about work all night, then told me the word for that:  

Catharsis.  "Hah!  I needed that."  Then we passed out together, exhausted.  I took her word for that.

Okay, now you know those Dommy Mommies.  I believe the popular term is "Helicopter moms," who develop complex paranoid conspiracy theories about how the medical establishment is trying to give their children Autism?

Never stick your dick in crazy, but I have to admit I went there, once.  Learned my lesson.  Betsy deVos.  Loved her, wouldn't shut up about her, and then in bed, she didn't tie me up and humiliate me, but I almost felt like she had.  Just judged and critiqued everything constantly until I just wanted to stuff a pillow over my head so I could shut her out, and keep it up.  I had to fake an orgasm.  

Might want to talk to Merry about it later, but the way she dresses, and acts in school.  She calls it "Professional," it comes off a little more like the Schoolmarm from.  I don't know, one of those black and white shows, I forget which one.  Either Andy Griffith, or maybe even To Kill a Mockingbird?  She wears a Bun, and sweater vests.  Bifocals, skirts that you'll forgive me for never even thinking about her as a sexual creature, because that's the fashions statement:

"Don't even think about it."  Loud and clear, boy was I wrong.

Somewhere between those two extremes, too hot, or too cold.  Too hard, or too soft, there's that mythical Goldilox zone of just right.  She loves sex, or missed it so much that when she got back in the saddle again, she dove in with a passion I had only ever heard about.

"Where did you learn that?"

She shrugged, "College," naked.

She has a body.  A full grown woman body, I won't even call it at all remarkable.  What she does with that body.  Okay, yeah.  Full body sex.  Full contact, dragging her hair over me, then throwing it back, grinning with her eyes fluttering shut, then diving into my mouth to swim around, with her red hot chest heaving, and draped?  Sensually over mine.  

She didn't lay on me, I'm only going to hazard a guess at the elbow and knee placement, but she rubbed me all over like the gentlest masseuse with her entire body, scissoring my penis between her legs.  More than gentle brushing, a few ticks past caressing, and just a shade lighter than a dirty grope.

"HhahHhuh!  Fuck!"  It's like seeing her in bluejeans the first time.  Having only seen her at work, it never occurs to you that she owns a pair of tight, skuffed stained 24/36 jeans that wore down to almost white in the seat except for the squared pentagonal patches where it used to have pockets before they fell off.  She loves those jeans her favorite pair, half a decade old, and she says Fuck.  With authority, "Fuck, I need this!"  I'll take that as emphatic consent.

Reaching between us to grope, and grip, and rub it hard between her legs.  I mean hard as fuck, mashing it to my pubic bone with her split open sex, when 24 hours earlier I hadn't considered the possibility that she might Have genitals.  Just didn't think about it.

"You got anything for this?"

"Oh yeah."  She waited on the side of the bed for a break from our sponsor.  Durex, thank you so much for your generous donation to Planned Parenthood, and various schools for educational purposes.  Use as directed, don't forget to check that expiration date.

So anyway.

"Huh!  Yeah!"  Pressed her pubes into mine.  "Hhuhah ahh!  FUCK!  Yeah."

She needed it.  It feels good to know someone needs you.  Sexually, emotionally, professionally?

"Yeah," love her hips.  


« Last Edit: November 21, 2017, 05:27:45 PM by Psiberzerker »

  • Guest
Re: Jaques and Panties
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 09:29:24 PM »

Meredith/Dr. Milgram  (With some overlap, NS.)

So, I took the morning off, and went in to work with him.

He laughed.  


"Well, you know the expression, a diamond in the rough?"

I patted my hair.  "Mhm?"

"Well, I feel like I just found a box wrapped in a Scholastic," (c) "Book cover, and."  He thought, "Fucking Caution: tape, and unwrapped it to find a thousand Carat Ruby inside."  He patted my hand, on my lap.  Next to him, in his late model family sedan.

"Oh!'  I kissed his cheek, driving, "You say the sweetest things."

Then, at his office.


To look at the schools' GE Healthcare Logiq (Tm) E9 Ultrasound System.  Not a portable system, "So, we'll have to do it here."

"I'd have to get a waiver from the schoolboard to move it off campus, it's a $50,000 machine."  Neither of could afford it in a year, or a semester working together.  It's worth more than my car, several times more.

"How ever did you get your hands on it?"

"Donated by the Hospital."

"Which one?"


"Oh."  Closest one, to THE central High School downtown.  They have a Medical department, for rich Hispter's kids to get a jump on Pre-med.  The Prep School, that High School.  "Ooh!"

"You know doctor Martin?"

"Which one?"

"All of them, their kids go here."

"Oh."  Some of them run the schoolboard.  So, as the kids would put it:  "Yeah.  We'd need a van or something."  I don't have a van, he doesn't have a van, he's probably serious last night about not being a Doctor, because he loves Nursing.

It's still coming back in flashes, "You go in for an appendectomy, or something, and you get to see the doctor for a few minutes.  Maybe an hour, then the  Anaethetist comes in, they sew you back up, and you wake up in the recovery room."


"From England."  He nodded.

I remember the scar.  "Uh huh?"  Took another sip of wine...

He rolled the cart out to his parking spot, so I sat on the examination table.

He has an examination table, what was he saying about a diamond in the rough?

Much better funding here in private school, I've been to the Nurses station back at my school, it still has those dreadful tile walls that makes it look like an oversized shower stall with a desk rolled into it.  

Makes this place look like the Enterprise.  We'd need a ramp for that Ultrasound machine, or maybe one with a wheelchair lift?  "Yeah, we both have access to that."

He chuckled.  "Hold the doors?"

"Oh sorry."  I got up.  

"Just kick the prop in the corner there."  I looked down.  "You talk to yourself."

I laughed, "Uh!  No one else understands me!"  My best angsty tweenager voice.


"I think out loud sometimes, but you wouldn't happen to have any Analgesia lying around?"  His office, he got out his keys.

"Topical, or oral?"

"As interesting as the idea of trying topical would be, I'll save that experiment for when my head isn't pounding."

"Well," he held the cabinet doors, "I got Naproxin, Ibuprophen, and Asprin."

"No Acetopetophen?"

"No, they did this study.  It leads to side effects in children, and adolescents."


"So, Ibuporphen?"

"Yeah, huh!  I knew I've been out of the loop for a while, but, I feel like I'm just waking up frow a gowa."

He handed me a cup.

"Ng, kah!  Thanks."

He took it back, threw it out.

"What happened to your ring?"

"Oh," I pulled it out of my blouse, flipped my hair back to reach for the clasp, and bring it around without catching on it.  "I kept it."  Slipped it off the chain, and put it back on.  "Huh!  I don't want to dwell on the past, or any of the, pessimistic stuff.  Today, but."

"Messy divorce?"

"Worse, widowed."

"Oh," he shook his head.

"Car accident, he.  Huh.  Sorry, I just, didn't want to spoil the feeling, but.  You have a right to know.  He was in a coma, and he never woke up.  I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"Well, I have to head out for another load, anyway."  I nodded, so he left.

Me, to.  "Try to remember last night.  Huh!"

This morning was good enough, wow!  It's been a while, but I certainly don't remember it feeling like that!

"Mhrhn!"  I lay back, wished for a pillow, so put my arms up, instead.

"Oh, hey."  Someone stopped in the hall.  In Scrubs, they have scrubs here.

"Oh sorry."  I stretched, and yawned.  "Earh!  Didn't get much sleep last night."  I lied, "I'm doctor Milgram from over at Eastern Jr. High?"


"Psychologist, with minors in Pediatrics, and Education," I nodded, "and you are?"

"Doctor Martin," she shook my hand, felt greasy.  "Sorry," went to the sink.  "Don't worry, it's sterile, just."

"Confidential."  I know the drill, "So, they have a doctor here?"

"They do over at Eastern, Merwin hasn't said much about you."

"Oh, I'm an overqualified school councilor, I haven't practiced since graduate school."  Besides, it's her office, "They don't have the budget for a doctor, and nurse."  and I'm off today, I'll deffer to her.

"We know, he's on loan to the minor schools in an effort to raise the level of health for all students, not just ours."

"Well, we could use another few of them."

"So could we, they don't mass produce nurses like him, we're lucky to have the one!"

"Hahaha, yeah."


"Speak of the devil."

"Let me help you with that."

""Thanks, I can get it."

"I know, it's a little crowded in here."  So, she stepped out in the hall, though you could probably play sports in here.  Indoor sports, games really, but I bet a snooker table could get in the doors sideways.  "So, to what do we owe the visit?"

"Consulting?  We have a patient we're working with, only she doesn't have the funding for an ultrasound."

"Oh, well then bring her on bye, don't bother with an appointment, we don't stand on ceremony here."

"Good, you really have impressive facilities here."

"Thank you!  Well, I'll let you know if we need anything."

"Thanks doctor," he got the door.

"Cool boss."

"I know."


"Oh yes.  Very.  Why, she hit on you?"  Looked down at my hand.

"No.  Just curious, speaks the world of you."

Okay, that technically makes him a great guy.  If even she can tell, to say nothing about the stereotype of the man hater, the vast majority that aren't just don't really get men.  At all, lack of frame of reference, don't really care to learn.  At least in my limited experience, being straight, I don't really understand them very well in return.

"Feel any better?"

"I think the gelcaps are kicking in?"  I nodded.

"I have to ask.  You don't have any problem with alcohol or pills, do you?"  He closed the cabinet, and had to lock it to get his keys back.  Doesn't have to lock his car, in this parking lot, but drugs.  In a high school, I understand it.

"Not really.  Okay, last night I really needed to just cut the inhibitors off, and burn them out?"


"Huh, so I guess I let it pile up.  For a few years, and thank you so much for letting me vent."


"No buts, just sincere gratitude.  I needed that, and I can't believe how long we've know each other now, but.  Now, I just, kind of seeing you in a new light, so we have to talk about our relationship, changing.  If that's all right?"

"Sure."  He tucked books, on loan from the Presbyterian Institute up on a counter under the medicine cabinet.

"Huh, so we're going to have to keep some separation between our professional, and personal relationships.  At work."

"You mean back East."

"Hah, yeah!"

"It's remarkable how different you are when you let your hair down."

"Oh yeah?"  I held it out, "You like it better like this?"

"Well, speaking more metaphorically, but.  Now that you mention it, I'm kinda digging the bun."

"Well, you didn't have a brush back at your place, and I should probably pick up a toothbrush when I break for lunch."

"Oh," he pulled out a drawer.  "Here."

I blinked, "Thanks," took it.

"It's just that you come off as, such a.  I don't know, Mildred at work."

I giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"I have an aunt Mildred?  I'm not really like that, but yes.  I grew up Quaker, so when I get to college, I suppose it was like.  I don't know, Rumspringer, for me."

"Quakers do Rumspringer?"

"No, silly.  Just an analogy, I suppose if I'd had one."

"So, you partied."

"Well, UCLA, so.  Yeah, it's a pretty notorious party school.  It didn't take a whole lot of peer pressure."

"And drinking."

"Again, not like last night.  That was catharsis.  Just a little too much pent up stress, and residual depression I let pile up.   Like, huh!  I don't know, dust, and lint under the couch, until it grew into this giant fluff monster of, denial.  And.  Stuff?"

"Well, that explains why you sometimes talk like a cross between a valley girl, and the schoolmarm from Mayberry."

"Uh!  Huhuahahahuh?  Beverly Hillbilly?"

"Well, not that bad, it's charming, and.  You know you're perfect, right?"

"Well, I don't know, that I even believe in perfect, but.  Thanks?"

"Well, I'm not really skeptical, I just act like that to impress my friends."  Is that, Hipster?

"Ahahaha!  Well, you're pretty dang perfect yourself, you know that?"

I held his shoulders, and he held my hips, while we kissed.

It was sweet.


{Oh, all right, let me pry a cavity out real quick, but I can't personally write romance without some details on who they're falling in love with.  I can only put it off so long, but if I can't believe it, I can't make it believable.  I didn't write: "His hard muscular flanks surging like a thoroughbred spurred on for the finish line."  Not because I can't, but because that's not the way either of them would even think about it.  I hope it helps shed a little light on their respective mindsets, but there's no guarantees in this business, and it's not like I make any money off of these.}


Coach (MF No Spoilers)

"Coach, uh?"

"Jesus," I held up my sweats, "Don't you knock?"

"Sorry, I just.  Hihehahuh!  Sorry."

"Well, can you give me a minute?"

"Sure," she let the door swing shut.

"Huh," I stuck my leg in, "God," pulled them up, "Damn it!"  Stuck the other leg in, and grabbed my shirt.

Well, she looked embarrassed, too.

"You could wipe that smirk off your face, so what is it?"

"Sorry, I just wasn't expecting you to be prancing around in woman's underwear."

"I wasn't prancing!  We had to run track today, so I worked up a sweat.  I was just changing!"

"And you find those, comfortable?"

"Of course not, not the point.  Now, if you want to talk about my sexuality, you can make an appointment, doctor.  What is it?"

"Well, I obviously need to rethink some, things."  

"Well, you can stop looking me up and down like that, so what's this about?"

"Huh!" she turned away.  "It's about some of the boys in your class."

"Could you be more specific?  All the 7th graders are in my class, and half the 8th graders, too."

"Well, broadly it's about Bullying, so if you wouldn't mind coming by my office after you."  She giggled again.

"I'm glad you find this all so fucking hilarious."

"So, if you'd like to gather up your dollies, and dishes, I have to talk about what they're doing in the locker room, unsupervised."

"Great."  As if we didn't have a fucked up enough relationship before, "Now if you don't mind, I have to go check the locker room."

"If you don't mind me asking," she followed, "Why do we only have one locker room?"

"The budget.  You remember when they had that big Lotto win back a couple-few years ago?"


"Yeah, well they overbid the project, then miss fancy pants deVos took over, and it was the best way we could get around the new sex education guidelines."

"How so?"

"Well, it was ruled that it would be."  quote, "To much of a distraction," unquote, "To teach sex in school, because temptation, or what have you.  So, that's when the school-board decided to segregate the classes.  So, the girls could be taught by mrs. Cowley, and I can teach the boys."

"They don't know you are.  A.  Transvestite?"

"Of course not.  I could lose my job, and I'd be the laughing stock of the entire system.  Nobody does."  Not even my wife.

"Well, if it's causing you to act out, this.  Hypermasculine image to cover up, it may be causing a problem."

"It already did, you know they won't even let me in here with them?"

"No, why not?"

"Huh!  A few years back, before they even built this place, I used the old locker room to take a shower."

"And someone walked in on you?"

"Not really, but.  Brenda.  She saw my underwear."

"Brenda Cowley?"  The other coach, so I nodded.  "So, she told the schoolboard."

"Yeahbut.  She told them I had a woman down there.  That I had sex with her on school property.  She didn't know they were mine, but.  There was something, I left in them."

"She saw that."  I nodded.  "Semen?"

I turned away.

"I know this is hard, but it's affecting your behavior, and that's affecting the boys, so."

"Is that why you removed Avery from my class?"

"No.  It's actually completely unrelated issues."

"Like what?"

"Confidential issues.  I'm a Doctor, I swore an oath of confidentiality."

"So, you're not going to say anything about, what you saw, to anyone."  You hear me?

"No one else, but the stress is not helping you, and it's not doing the boys any favors.  So, for their sakes, you are going to have to talk to someone about it."

"Look, doc.  I know you believe in this whole talk therapy thing, but."

"You need help.  Professionally, I'm speaking as a doctor here, and I already know about it.  So, I can refer you to someone else, but I'm afraid I must insist, or compel the school board to insist."

"Huh."  Fuck.  "So, it's blackmail, then."  I knew this day would come, I even expected it might be her to use it against me.

"My duty is to protect the students.  So, I have to do that, any way necessary.  If you force me to."

"All right doc, now will you get the fuck out and let Me do My job?"

"All right, I'll set up an appointment."  

"I Wasn't SERIOUS!"  It was a joke, you know ha ha, supposed to be funny?

I wasn't laughing.


Dr. Milgram

"I don't see why this is necessary."

"Hm," I'd taken it off my chain, and slipped it back on my finger.  "Of course not, because you had the idea literally drilled in your head that expressing your feelings isn't manly.  This is a problem, because it encourages you to act out vocally, and as a Teacher this caused your students to act out violently."

"So, you're saying I made them bullies?"

"Of course not, there's always bullies, but you set a bad example, and they followed it.  So, the bullying became more Sexual."

He looked worried.  "They didn't do anything."

"Gay?"  I shook my head, "It's not gay.  As in homosexual, they're 12, and 13 year olds.  No, this obsession with masculinity made them accuse a younger student of homosexuality, and punish him for that.  They made them gay bash another student, even though he wasn't gay."

"Jesus, did they hurt him bad?"

"Emotionally.  They hurt his feelings, but 'just feelings' leaves scars that shape their adult sexuality, for life.  Bruises heal, but emotional wounds stay buried in your subconscious until they grow too big to contain, and explode."

"Mine?"  He looked hurt.

"Yes, and it can eventually escalate to driving killers."

"You don't know what you're talking about, comparing me to a serial killer."

"Not you, your students.  Any one of them could hide their feelings, ignore them, and never know why they can't stop.  Or just build up until they bring a semiautomatic to school."

"So,"  he blinked.  "You're saying, I'm making them spree shooters?"

"That's the extreme example, but they've already begun sexually harassing at least 1 girl, in groups.  They may be escalating to gang-rape, to prove their manhood to each other, and you are motivating them.  By calling them ladies, and girls.  This motivates them to prove they are men, the only way they know how."

"And you think this has anything to do with my."  He looked around, "Secret?"

"Hiding it, the way you hide it by projecting this hypermasculine image.  So, it May be an indirect side effect, but I knew about this problem, long before I was aware of your crossdressing.  So, would you rather talk about that?"

"Huh."  He slouched.  He doesn't slouch, he has perfect posture.  It's almost a Hero pose, at least in public.  "I don't know why, I do it."

"How do they make you feel?"  He looked up, so I said it:  "Panties."

He looked away.  Mumbled, 'sexy?'


"No, not at all.  You don't understand."

"Of course not, that's why I'm asking you."  ...  "Part of what makes you act out vocally is not being able to express yourself.  Except for anger, because of this secret, it's eating you up inside, I can tell."

"It's just the opposite, though.  Like you asked earlier if they were comfortable, but that's not the point.  No, they're not, they're downright painful, they don't fit, they crush my package they're so tight, and they cut into my legs on the sides."

"And that turns you on."

"No, my wife turns me on, but it's like that."  he pointed, "You have that, so every time you look down, you're reminded of your husband."

I took it off, and gripped it in my hand.  Held it down on the calendar so he wouldn't see me shaking.  "You all right, doc?"

"Hm,"  I shook my head, "I just have to think.  So, it reminds you of your wife?"

"They're her underwear.  So, every time I feel them, I can think about her wearing them last night.  It helps me get through the day."

"Oh, that's," actually, "Different."  Surprisingly romantic.

"What were you saying about hypermasculinity?"

"Oh well that's basically a competition, the myth of an Alpha male."

"That's no myth, it's just like Alpha Wolves."

"Wolves don't have alpha males either."  I shook my head.

"Then Lions."

"Lions are sex slaves."


"They stay home with the cubs, while the lionesses go out to hunt.  They're literally domestic, their only other function in the pride is to get the females pregnant."

"And protect."

"The lionesses?  They kill Rhinos together, what do they need a Man to protect them from, they're apex predators!  You know what?  Watch a documentary on Lions some time.  Any one, there's a lead huntress, who's generally the oldest, and most experienced, but the Lion just lays there, and licks the cubs, all day while the women go out to work.  When they goes into Estrus he fucks them.  What?"

"Why, I've never heard you use a werdy derd before."

"Hahah!  What do you take me for?  Of course, I know the word fuck.  I fuck, I fucked my boyfriend last night, and again this morning.  We're both adults here, the difference is that I don't do it in front of the children."

"But you always get so offended in the lounge."

"And I dress like a Quaker, but it's not the words, shit instead of crap.  For example."  I sat up, and put my hands together.  "It's what you say, and telling homosexual jokes, in the lounge, then looking over at me to see my reaction is sexual harassment.  I can take it, I'm a big girl, with big girl Panties, but the boys are not.  They don't understand what's a joke, and what's serious.  They look up to you, as the prime example of Manhood, and shape their decisions, how they express that masculinity, based on your example.  Your self-conscious jokes about the boys, and their panties are setting a bad example, and it's making them violent.  To younger boys, and girls that aren't as strong as them.  That aren't as tough emotionally as you and I.  They're young, confused, some of them are sexually frustrated, and you are Not helping.  So, either put a lid on it in front of them, or find another job."

He waited it out.

"And letting it out, like that.  It helps?"

"You do it too!  Subconsciously, when you come into the lounge, and blow off steam, doesn't it make you feel better?"

"Well, I don't feel any better right now."

"Because you covered your feelings with Anger.  Again.  That's the unhealthy part, only being able to express yourself with anger.  That's what makes your other feeling pile up, so that you have to yell FUCK! at the top of your lungs to cover them up.  So, tell me how you feel."

"Huh!  Well, since you asked.  No, they don't make me feel pretty."

"The panties."

"They make me feel, hypermasculine.  That's your word for it, right?  Yeah, it makes my package stick out, and my muscles, and hair.  I don't have a girly figure, at all, and I always liked.  You know, speedos?"

"They're like panties, in a way."

"You don't like them?"

"I don't like too much of a good thing.  That's the problem, in the mindset muscle is good, so why not pump iron until you're so muscular you can't move?"

"I can move, just fine."

"Again, an expression.  You watch the Olympics."

"Of course."

"Football, and you are a body builder."

He shrugged, "I work out."

Yeah, drives a burgundy sportscar with a hole in the muffler too.

"Yeah, so you've seen a Bulgarian power-lifter.  Some linebackers, you know what I'm talking about."

"Okay, yeah.  Some guys get too bulked to be sexy."

"Exactly, that's Hypermasculinity, in a nutshell.  Trying so hard it doesn't attract the ladies, it drives them away.  Well, it also tells impressionable boy how to drive girls away, and seek other sexual outlets."

"Homosexual outlets?"

"No, Violent ones.  I'm talking about Gang Rape, not gays."


"It needs to stop, before they beat up a perceived homosexual, or gang rape a girl to prove they're straight."

"All right, I get it!  Jesus!"

"I'm also putting in a request to lift the restriction on you supervising them in the locker room."  She turned a paper over.  "Read it first, then sign it."


"I'm not doing it for you, but the stress of that emasculization isn't doing you any favors, either."

"How is that emasculating?"

"She took power from you.  Brenda, your colleague, and peer took control over your environment away, which led to you asserting Power in other ways."

"Well, I did start.  With the panties, right after that."

"Did you?"  He nodded.  "And harassing the boys about it?"

"Huh, I don't know why?  I told you that, I don't even why, i never even imagine them doing it.  I guess I don't want them to start, but."

"You're ashamed, but don't be.  There's nothing wrong with what you're doing."


"As far as wearing your wife's underwear to work?  No, they're just a piece of fabric, men made for women to wear, but there's nothing particularly feminine about a piece of fabric.  What's important is they are your Wife's underwear, and you wear them to remember her.  Huh!  For instance, it's like the difference between making love, and fucking."

"What's the difference?"

"There isn't one, they're just words, but we decided that saying Make Love is feminine, and romantic, while fuck is manly, and dirty.  That's a sexism, and that particular sexism makes you want to prove what a man you are, because you're ashamed of a piece of fabric.  When really it's not about the panties themselves, but what's in them."

"You know you're right?"

"Yes, that's why I brought you in here."

"I do feel better."

"Good, then stop belitting the boys, they can't handle it."

"What about my son?"

"Oh, sweet Jesus in the morning, can this wait?"

Looking at my watch.  I pushed my glasses up.

"You have an appointment?"

"I'm burning out, and I'm not getting payed for this."

I'm not a marriage counselor, and I'm not qualified having never been married, and I hope I have time to calm down.  I need to decompress, get some fresh air, think about Merwin, and be happy again.

Before Lunch, I don't want to have lunch with her in this foul mood.

That's the old me, and I'm starting to not like her very much.


Brenda (FF NS Talk)

I knocked.

"Who is it?"

"Mrs. Cowley."

"Now what is it?"

"I had a talk with Marcus."

"Well, might as well have a seat."  She turned off her monitor.

"I'm sorry, where you busy?"

"Nothing that can't wait, this isn't about when you caught him in the shower."

"He told me about that too."  I rubbed my arms, "I don't know how I feel about, that but I wanted to talk about the curriculum."

"Oh good," she sat forward, "The health Class?"

"Well, it's my semester in the classroom while he has the gym."  And the locker room, shake my head, "But we haven't gotten to the sex ed portion of the class, and."

"So, what were you thinking about changing?"

"Well, after we talked, I was.  Well, we were thinking about the glaring omission of anything about Consent.  We just don't know how to approach that issue.  Especially since our little experiment is being considered in the other Jr. Highs."

"Oh really?"

"Oh, you haven't heard?"

"Not my department."

"Well, the schoolboard deemed it a success, but he said that all it would take to mess it up at this point would be 1 sex scandal.  Oh, and he mentioned that.  Well, I signed off on him supervising the boys in the locker room.  Since we cleared up.  The, misunderstanding."

"You're obviously still upset about it."

"Well?  I wasn't raised to."  I looked down, and frowned.  "How long have you been engaged, exactly?"

"Oh, this old thing."  She took it off, and set it aside, "I suppose I should put it away, I just got used to wearing it.  My fiancee, died.  I'm finally putting it past me, but it took several years, and I wore it as a comfort."

"Well," changing the subject, "I was just never exposed to anything like, well.  The very idea!  he's just so macho, I never would have thought, why I can hardly even believe it!"

"That's actually what it's about.  It's not to be girly, it makes him feel even manlier by contrast.  It's really his private way to express his masculinity, and I'm helping him work past his shame about it.  So, try not to give him a hard time, it'll only make things worse."

"Isn't that confidential?"

"Well, we're colleagues, he confided in me, and confided in you, so I'm confiding in you because he's still having trouble talking about it."

"He barely mentioned it."

"Well, what did he say?  Purely so we're on the same page, if he wanted any aspect to remain private, I can't accidentally tell you to much, just help you understand what he has told you."

"He just said they're his wife's underwear, and he brought them to remember her."

"So, what's troubling you?"

"Well?  The very idea?"

"You're conservative, christian?"

"Catholic.  So, the.  Seed."

"Oh, that.  Well, I'm sorry you saw that, but remember it's his seed, metaphorically speaking.  So, it's not your place to judge."

"Well, what if one of the children saw it?"

"They didn't, for years by now.  He's very good at hiding it, but you think it makes you feel bad.  It's eating him up inside, so try to think about how he feels.  It was very brave for him to even mention it again."

"I suppose you're right, but we don't believe."

"I know, raised Quaker."

"So, Milgram is a Quaker name?"

"Jewish, actually Yiddish.  My grandfather converted?"  She nodded.

"So, like Stanley Milgram, from Yale?"

"The same."  She nodded, "Not my grandfather, but a great uncle, once removed."

"Yes, so.  It was decided that since we wound up with just the 1 locker room," bulldozed the old one, and good riddance.  "We'd try segregating the Gym classes, so they could time-share."

"And that opened the door to teach Health again."

"In the other semester."  Nod, "That left a gap in their schedules, it was just the Sex Education, so we argued before the schoolboard that the problem was teaching, such suggestive subject matter co-ed distracted the students.  They spent more time giggling, and thinking about each other's privates than paying attention to the lessons, and and that got in the way of teaching Abstinence."

She put her glasses on, and raised her nose to peer through the bottoms.  Read, "So, it's an abstinence only program."

"At their age.  It's heavily implied that they wait until marriage, but this isn't a Catholic school, so."

"How do you feel about.  Well, I suppose typically Catholic teaching on Birth Control?"

"Personally?  First and foremost, I am a teacher, and I live in the real world.  My personal beliefs in Church, and confession especially are one thing, but I don't agree with the new Mandate.  I just follow the letter of it, and work in what I can teach that isn't, explicitly banned."

"Yet."  she nodded, "For instance?"

I got out my textbook.  "Here," pulled the tab on the selected passage, and turned it around for her.  Bad eyes, I pointed it out from the margin.  "It says Marriage, and defines it as a man, and woman, then goes onto Birth Control, but realistically?  Huh!  I'd rather they not get married than have a divorce, and use condoms than get AIDS and Abortions."

"And homosexuality?"

"Is a sin."

"Yes, however you mentioned the spread of STDs, and at least seem open to the idea that preventing the spread of diseases is more important than your moral judgement of their lifestyles."

"Oh!'  I sat back.

"No."  Flatly, "I am not a lesbian.  I'm not bisexual, I have a boyfriend, and we're living in sin.  This isn't about you, and me, it's about the children going into high school prepared for the hormones, and sexual tension they will experience there.  So, Consent."

"Well, that's the most important thing I wanted to talk about."

"Preventing sexual harassment, assault, and rape."



"I know.  Just.  I don't like, that word."

"I won't ask, because I know now that it's triggering, but I couldn't before."

"Thank you.  For understanding."

"Part of my job."

"Okay, so being the resident child psychologist, we thought we could use your help, to develop a lesson plan on consent that will actually sink in."

"Well, it sure would help if I would have to explain it to them, one by one, before they actually act out their sexual frustration."



All of this was basically motivation for Gang Rape