[[Bubbles]]

In the time that I've been around, and we'll call that 4 years, I have seen so many girls that come here looking for answers to some trauma in their lives.  I've talked to many of them, and I've told many of them that they are not broken or damaged because of their past experiences (because they kept using those words).  I might have a tougher time convincing Daizy of that.

What do we think about places like this for you girls?  Is it therapy or is it dwelling on the bad things?  I know in at least one instance a girl was advised by an actual therapist not to come here (the girl having told them they did).  Sometimes I think it's getting the demons out, especially by writing.  Other times I'm just not sure.

This is on my mind a whole lot lately.  I lost someone.....we lost someone....

My therapist has regularly told me that this is a bad idea for me to be here.  BUT I feel like ...I don't know it's the only place I have power sometimes I guess

In the time that I've been around, and we'll call that 4 years, I have seen so many girls that come here looking for answers to some trauma in their lives.  I've talked to many of them, and I've told many of them that they are not broken or damaged because of their past experiences (because they kept using those words).  I might have a tougher time convincing Daizy of that.

What do we think about places like this for you girls?  Is it therapy or is it dwelling on the bad things?  I know in at least one instance a girl was advised by an actual therapist not to come here (the girl having told them they did).  Sometimes I think it's getting the demons out, especially by writing.  Other times I'm just not sure.

This is on my mind a whole lot lately.  I lost someone.....we lost someone....

My therapist has regularly told me that this is a bad idea for me to be here.  BUT I feel like ...I don't know it's the only place I have power sometimes I guess

When I was replying, I almost thought of saying 'a couple people' thinking of you (and what you just posted about a therapist).  I'm not sure I trust therapists when it comes to being here.  I doubt anyone has a clue about what 'here' is unless you've been here.  An outsider looking in has a very negative view of a rape site....go figure?

[[Bubbles]]

In the time that I've been around, and we'll call that 4 years, I have seen so many girls that come here looking for answers to some trauma in their lives.  I've talked to many of them, and I've told many of them that they are not broken or damaged because of their past experiences (because they kept using those words).  I might have a tougher time convincing Daizy of that.

What do we think about places like this for you girls?  Is it therapy or is it dwelling on the bad things?  I know in at least one instance a girl was advised by an actual therapist not to come here (the girl having told them they did).  Sometimes I think it's getting the demons out, especially by writing.  Other times I'm just not sure.

This is on my mind a whole lot lately.  I lost someone.....we lost someone....

My therapist has regularly told me that this is a bad idea for me to be here.  BUT I feel like ...I don't know it's the only place I have power sometimes I guess

When I was replying, I almost thought of saying 'a couple people' thinking of you (and what you just posted about a therapist).  I'm not sure I trust therapists when it comes to being here.  I doubt anyone has a clue about what 'here' is unless you've been here.  An outsider looking in has a very negative view of a rape site....go figure?

Yea I wasn't sure if you were referencing me or not.....but after going throu my last bout with my rapist.....I've become less ashamed about addressing it publicly especially since he's now in federal prison  it may sound stupid but I just feel somehow free...

Yea I wasn't sure if you were referencing me or not.....but after going throu my last bout with my rapist.....I've become less ashamed about addressing it publicly especially since he's now in federal prison  it may sound stupid but I just feel somehow free...

You won't be free for very long, not around here.  I know there are many individuals who are having decidedly 'unfree' thoughts about you......

[[Bubbles]]

Yea I wasn't sure if you were referencing me or not.....but after going throu my last bout with my rapist.....I've become less ashamed about addressing it publicly especially since he's now in federal prison  it may sound stupid but I just feel somehow free...

You won't be free for very long, not around here.  I know there are many individuals who are having decidedly 'unfree' thoughts about you......

LOL well I hope some of them get around to letting me know about it....

My heart aches for those Survivors of ANY type of Sexual Abuse.

After thirty years of Law Enforcement experience, I've see far too many times the damage this series of Heinous Criminal Acts can, and does inflict.

We are ALL broken people here. Broken in our own unique ways. NO ONE has the right or the privilege to tell ANY of us how or when we are healed!! We all heal in our own ways.....

For Me, it was having to wake up My best friend at 2 in the morning, and having to inform him, and his wife, that their beautiful, intelligent 16 year old daughter was Raped after a party.......

She took her own life last year.......

My heart breaks for her Mother and Father.....


Tony V.                

[Brokenwing]

I'm not sure how well my reply matches this thread but the time I came closest to taking my own life, I remember thinking about whom I could call to save me. . .my foster mom, she couldn't save me, she would only worry and then call me constantly to make sure I was okay but that would just make it worse. . .my best friend, she had her own problems if I called her to save me, it would just add more stress to her life and increase her own dispare...

I thought of new one I could call to save me but didn't have the guts to kill myself.  At my next therapy session I asked my therapist about it and she gave me a very profound answer. . .

"Do you know why when you were trying to think of who to call when you thought of ending your life you could not come up,with anyone" she asked?  "No" I answered.

"If you really truly wanted to end your life, do you REALLY think anyone could stop you if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself" she asked?

I sat there quiet several minutes, thinking of the ways I might do it and thinking of the friends and family I might call and you know what, after several minutes of thinking I understood the answer to her question was, "No."

She followed that up with a tougher question, "So who is the ONLY person who can stop you from ending your own life if that is what you think you want to do"?

Again I thought hard about my answer for several minutes, "Me" was the only answer.  Only I could choose to save myself.

I'll never forget those words and questions and answers.

Only I could decide it was worth continuing to live.

That was the last time I got close this actually ending my own life.

I want another minute, of another day.  I want to see another sunrise.  I want to feel another kiss.  I want to hold another person's hand. 

I didn't want to hurt those I cared about. 

There is a myriad of reasons why survivors of sexual assault of all forms seek out this site. None should be judged as unhealthy or self-destructive. There is an element of taking back control. Getting to deal with this in a person's own way, steps that they control.

Brokenwing,

It seems you have crossed the proverbial bridge of victim to survivor, to someone who could even thrive again. Wanting and knowing you deserve good things in life, things that someone tried to take away from you, makes you courageous in my book. This does not mean you won't have days of doubts or feel like you've taken three steps back sometimes. But now that you been to the other side it makes back to what is now familiar territory that much easier every time. Instead of it being something elusive and out of reach; you've achieved survival, the ability to thrive, and victory over your tragedies. Your abuser(s) wanted you to feel like shit the rest of your life. As the saying goes, the best revenge is to live well.

Thank you, as always, for sharing your inner workings and processes you use to deal with what you have endured. And for sharing a moment of epiphany you experienced with your therapist. What you share is always important. For those of use that have stood at the edge of the precipice of no return, that you turned back is hope to those that are there. There will be some that no matter how hard they try, the burden is too deep to cope with. We lost one of those types of angels recently. In our hearts, those of us who cared for her and watched her struggles know that she had made up her mind. Her choice does not make her less of a person. Despite her fragileness, she left behind POSITIVE impressions that we will carry forever. Being a fragile person is not a detractive trait, it is what is. Like the way some people prefer the color yellow over blue. Just differences in people. Neither good nor bad.

[Druidtoad]

I would put the fantasy of rape, in the same category as most role playing fantasies, in that, its done with complete trust, its consensual, and its done with safety.  A fantasy about rape isn't really rape, because the person who wants the fantasy can end it if its organised.  In a manner of speaking, rape fantasies is essentially rough sex, with elements of BDSM added to give it that effect.  The rapist (dom) controls what the victim (sub) does in the act.  But like any fantasy, you can get the best out of the experience by planning, and the way to plan is to simply express what each person wants to get out of it, explore fantasy ideas, and then work out from it.

If I did a rape fantasy, it would be because its what my girlfriend liked, although I'd prefer being the rapist rather than the victim, but I'm open to negotiations.

[Houdgreep]

Sorry for the 'experts', but my fantasies are lust-driven. It's about struggle in a way, the more she struggles and the more difficult it is to have her, the more desirable it is. Doesn't even have to end in rape fantasy, the Brunhilde type that challenges I find attractive too.

And these days, there's a strong breeding element in it. More often than not, in my fantasies she gets pregnant from it.

[tesstaytay]

Real life experiences leading me into "hypersexual" (ty Eljorn and badcorps187 for explaing and introducing me to that word) behavior. Slowly that behavior led to thoughts about abuse and self abuse.

[Nero]

To some extent I think I was born this way, in that I've had thoughts of owning/controlling/using women sexually since an early age - and with no prior influence from mainstream movies or porn (in fact, long before I ever saw porn).

Also, I am extremely attracted to women who are sexually submissive, especially if they wish to roleplay rape - and/or if they consent to being used whenever I want.  Some of these women have prior history of rape, and I suppose that inspires a sort of paternal instinct in me, as well as lust.  Some of these women were never raped or abused, they were just born kinky and submissive and extreme, and I also relate to that.   

[PenitentGirl]

Lots of different reasons. To some degree I think sexual submissivity and dominance are just another sexual orientation that is somewhat predisposed either genetically or subconsciously way too early to remember.

In a society where girls who have sex are sluts and shamed, a girl could fantasize about being ravished in order not be responsible per se.

For victims of sexual assault it can be a way to get control over what they had no control over, when doing it in a fantasy setting, and by that way work through trauma. (Some people would say this isn't healthy but fuck them.)

Because I believe people can be naturally submissive but at the same time being sexually "kinky" is more or less taboo, a submissive girl or boy could have ravishy fantasies to express their outlet for being submissive and having a dominant partner.

I could go on. In other words, like a lot of things theres many reasons.

I remember when I was young reading the Dragonrider of Pern books I was always attracted to the Green Dragonriders who more or less don't have a choice but to have sex when their dragon gets horny (but all parties enjoy it.) Heh-heh.

I was raped by many at an early age (12) . I did not turn the attackers in, because I believed the family would divide if I did. It was not in my immediate family, but I did not want the whispers at family functions if I turned them in. It was  bad enough with it being strangers.

I loved parts of the rape. It took me years to admit it to myself. The loss of power, control and the massive amount of humiliation. It is mainly these reasons I pursue stories and occasionally set up rapes in life with trusted souls. It is a safe alternative. And being a psychologist has it's advantages. I know I would tell myself "don't follow this path".. but I do because it's part of who I am. I like to think if someone came to me with similar issues, I'd understand their feelings not just letting them be another textbook response.

[PenitentGirl]

I was raped by many at an early age (12) . I did not turn the attackers in, because I believed the family would divide if I did. It was not in my immediate family, but I did not want the whispers at family functions if I turned them in. It was  bad enough with it being strangers.

I loved parts of the rape. It took me years to admit it to myself. The loss of power, control and the massive amount of humiliation. It is mainly these reasons I pursue stories and occasionally set up rapes in life with trusted souls. It is a safe alternative. And being a psychologist has it's advantages. I know I would tell myself "don't follow this path".. but I do because it's part of who I am. I like to think if someone came to me with similar issues, I'd understand their feelings not just letting them be another textbook response.

Same. I also had so many daddy issues that I lusted a bit after him in the nonspecific generic ways that girls do.

Yes. Orgasms were the norm, actually. As disgusting as the person who abused and raped me when I was young he was very good at sex. He also had a obscenely large cock, which while I enjoy now it just made me feel weird and unsure being raped fairly gently? I mean, recognizing that he was expending effort to not hurt me but wouldn't stop was confusing, which I now realize was the point. I always had submissive sexual fantasies ever since I understood the concept, but I was still stupid enough not to realize that his fetish of humiliation and defiling me would have been there even if it wasn't "sort of" what pushed my buttons. He flat out admitted to being a pedo -- like Tori Amos says just because you can make me cum doesn't make your Jesus, but rubbing the nose of a hormonal twelve year old that a dirty man rapist made you orgasm is a pretty big monkey wrench in the brain, especially when done repeatedly. Long story short I'm ashamed to admit that it wet on until I left the house and was quite infatuated, I got jealous when my abuser gave anyone else attention and let him humiliate me to his heart's content.


My current boyfriend is only similar in the same way crystal pepsi is to pepsi. He's twice my age but I don't know if it is about my generation of males but they seem a bit submissive. Which is cool, actually, I am a feminist so I don't believe being a slutty fucktoy is in anyway a female thing. I tried to date a few guys my own age but they WERE college educated, so maybe that explains their absolutely vagina-drying of repeatedly asking for consent. It seems to be the thing these days but when I hear someone ask if they can put something inside me or touch me I just want to ask 'I dunno, can you?' Its insulting but maybe I just think that because it is so unsexy -- I will definitely beat the shit out of you if you can't take my hints. I actually had someone ask me if he could come in my mouth, while I was bobbing my face down on it. Are girls such shrews these days that they will ruin fellatio by taking the guy's cock out of their mouth when they start to come?! If a man was between my legs and then just got up right when I was going to come they better be SUPER DOMMEY... like, the borderline DV slap and drag me around by the hair to convince he was punishing me and not just being an asshole, or he would be dead.

People who aren't abused by people they know usually have only a single incident, but even then it isn't super uncommon. I think there were times that I might have been raped by strangers/acquaintenances (i.e. i said no multiple times, and they seemed like they could overpower me) but ended up just shrugging and going along with it. I had a habitually, almost medical, problem with putting myself in that situation because the main difference between the type of guy I like (that will take me/use me roughly with my consent) and a rapist is one is a asshole sociopath and the other is husband material.