To be blunt, I had the shit kicked out of me as a kid. My dad was a huge druggie/drunk. My mom just kept her head down. I was utterly powerless until I got the hell out and went out on my own. It took a long time, but I've made some peace with it all. That's not to say I still don't jump out of my seat when I hear a door slammed, sweat when I hear heavy footsteps in the hall, or feel like I'm going to have one my all-too frequent panic attacks when I see people fight or yell at each other. But, all things considered, I'm luckier than most.

However, I often wonder if that powerlessness led to me having a strong rape fetish as I got older. Like many of you, I would never actually go out and rape someone. But the rush of power and control I get from RPing or chatting about just savagely violating a woman is intense. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me off harder.

It's been said there's a strong correlation between abused children passing on their abuse. If so, this at least seems a healthy outlet. But I am honestly curious about your thoughts and experience. Is there anyone out there that has a parallel with my story and, if so, how do you process/deal with it?

I'm sorry you went through that. And i think that though I've not been physically beaten by my parents things aren't always wonderful. I would say my childhood was pretty good, wasn't till my teenage years when things got bad. How that correlates with my fantasies....i have given that a lot of thought.

Many of my fantasies have much to do with the gratification of the rapist(s). Since i can't seem to please my family, i do anything to please other people who enter my fantasies and life. Make sense???

[Titi]

I'm sorry you went through that. And i think that though I've not been physically beaten by my parents things aren't always wonderful. I would say my childhood was pretty good, wasn't till my teenage years when things got bad. How that correlates with my fantasies....i have given that a lot of thought.

Many of my fantasies have much to do with the gratification of the rapist(s). Since i can't seem to please my family, i do anything to please other people who enter my fantasies and life. Make sense???

It does make sense, thought I usually refrain from making such assumptions, as in practice we're able to correlate anything with anything, yet that doesn't always mean it's the cause. Human mind's way too complicated. 

In my case, I was never physically or verbally abused in childhood, though my mother was a control freak. Still, if I were to take a guess, I'd say it's rooted in my teen years. Back then I was quite a shy boy, especially with girls, especially regarding romantic situations. While all my friends were asking girls out, all my sexual activities happened by pure chance. So the idea of not actually having to go through the whole grooming process, and just going there and taking what I want, seems very comforting and pleasant.

From my own experience and from talking to people I don't really see a connection.

I kind of wish I was abused as a child though.

[Nyx]

I'm the exact opposite of your story. My parents never laid a hand on any of their kids. They were strict at the right times and everyone was always pleasant. We're like the weird storybook families. We're all moved out now but we still have a freaking family game night every week. Yet here I am on a rape fantasy site....

[BARONR]

And Nyx, we're glad you are!

[Titi]

I kind of wish I was abused as a child though.

Out of curiosity, abused by a man or a woman?

I had a pretty normal childhood, and loving family, definitely not abused or anything like that. If anything, I was probably too sheltered.

But... there is still a thing...

When my cousins and I got together to play, we used to tie each other up a lot. Nothing sexual of course, especially considering we were 5-10 years old maybe. But playing things like cops and robbers, damsels being kidnapped by pirates, captured super heroes, that kind of thing. And I'm not talking like plastic toy handcuffs either.

Our usual play area was my grandparents' basement. And if you've ever seen the tv show Hoarders, that's exactly what that basement was like. And of course, we peaked in all the boxes and stuff, hoping to find cool things to play with. So we always found new things, and new ways to tie each other up in our games, using belts, luggage straps, the luggage itself, lol. We actually got pretty strict with our tying.

For me, bondage, control... it was fun long before it was ever sexual. I'm still amazed our parents even let us play down there, unsupervised for hours on end. I don't think they ever knew exactly what we were doing most of the time. And now that I know more about bondage safety, I'm amazed that we never seriously hurt ourselves.

[[Bubbles]]

I know I am still dealing with the things that happened to me as a kid.  I became conditioned, and sadly that part I did to myself.  I taught myself how to block out the horrible parts of life and only see the good or the beauty. That spilled over to life now, having just ended a relationship with someone who treated me like crap, i began to block out all the things she did that were horrible and choose to focus on the beautiful things that she brought to my life.

I deal with it by putting my fears, anxiety, abnormalities into my characters. Writing has always been my passion, even through the worst of times, and so now its my release. 

Bad day: write about it. 
Get dumped: Write about it. 
The man who ruined your childhood showing up at your school: run for your life....then write about it.

It's kind of unusual maybe, so don't laugh, but, when I was maybe 7 or 8, I was watching Labrynth for the first time. The whole behaviour of his character was unlike anything I'd seen before, and on some level I couldn't yet comprehend, I liked it. But what really resonated with me was this line:

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

It was the phrase 'fear me', that stuck in my head. Something started forming then, and when I was a teenager I began to watch soft core porn, and that's when I saw my first rape scene...and the rest just followed.

That's how I got my start anyway 

[scarleth]

The other day I was high and had a really deep trip, I analyzed many of my childhood memories and I realized how my mother was super controlling, super protective and even suffocating sometimes. Still, she was cold and serious, not the cozy caring type.

Maybe that's why I seek for men who seems in charge and able to control and protect me? To be told what to do, to have someone enforcing order with punishments and rewards... To know what's expected from me, and even to know that someone expect something from me.

I don't know, but there's a peace and sense of security that reminds me of childhood when someone else puts order in my life.

[Algore]

It's kind of unusual maybe, so don't laugh, but, when I was maybe 7 or 8, I was watching Labrynth for the first time. The whole behaviour of his character was unlike anything I'd seen before, and on some level I couldn't yet comprehend, I liked it. But what really resonated with me was this line:

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

It was the phrase 'fear me', that stuck in my head. Something started forming then, and when I was a teenager I began to watch soft core porn, and that's when I saw my first rape scene...and the rest just followed.

That's how I got my start anyway 

 On behalf of the departed David Bowie I will say 

I really don't know how to express my feelings...I do know writing about them helps...when I was twelve, I experienced oral and anal sex with an adult uncle...notice I said experienced, not forced! I found the oral enjoyable from the very beginning, but not the anal. The anal was a gradual 'come to Jesus thing' that went from painful, to gradual enjoyment...I was never forced and could have said no at anytime but chose to participate.

 ^-To continue my childhood experiences and how I got to this point, I would like to say I'm not blaming anyone...my uncle did what he did because he was what he was...does that make any sense? In my last entry, I told how he enticed me into oral and anal sex when I was twelve. That was only weeks after he had returned from the VietNam war....could the war have played a part in this? Who can say...since this subject seems to be such a huge mystery to all the so-called professionals...those who claim to have all the answers to our fucked-up lives...at least the ones they can put on paper but never seem to apply to real lives...well, back to my uncle...he returned from the war divorced (which happened while he was in the battlefield) and the father of a 5-year-old daughter (which happened two years before going to the battle field) and an overwhelming desire to enjoy children sexually. I cant say when he first molested his little daughter since she has no memories of the early stages, but I can confess to my first witnessed account of his perverted action which took place in a secluded wooded area upon a  creek bank where he performed oral sex on her then had me do the same. I know to most readers here, this must seem the most evil a man can reach, and to a degree I can fully agree, but what you have to ask and try to understand is WHY WOULD A FATHER FALL TO THIS LOW! I wish I had that answer somewhere stored in my mind today just to type it here right now, but sadly I don't. As I said before I don't blame my uncle and certainly not his daughter...she was a five-year-old, for Christ sake...not I can say just like myself I never said no nor did she...I can say the first time he performed oral on me it was wonderful and I exploded in his mouth....and the first time I witnessed him perform oral on her it was obvious from her reactions that she, too, reached an apex of enjoyment....damn me if you like but I only write what I witnessed and know from the imprinted images stamped in my mind. I know their are those who have strong opinions on all of this and I really want to hear all of them.

 (reply to Neighbor)
 Thanks for understanding. It's really difficult to deal with issues that you both hate and love at the same time. My uncle and others taught me what I understand as evil, but deep inside somewhere it's the evil I love and live for...no, in reality, I'm not a child molester but in my mind and on paper I live it daily. It's this outlet that keeps the molester calm. Thank you very much for the compliment concerning my writing.