Ravishment University

THE UNIVERSITY => Spring Break! Party Party! Party! => The Game Room => Topic started by: just me on February 19, 2020, 09:42:13 AM

Title: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 09:42:13 AM
i love puns .. so i thought i might start a lil' game

the rules are easy enough .. just play with words .. as long as it does have a double meaning .. it belongs here

example: i stayed up at the beach all night .. wondering where the sun went .. then it dawned on me

go knock yourselves out
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 19, 2020, 11:12:14 AM
I had a job selling vacuum cleaners door to door. No one wanted to buy one. Maybe it was because I was telling them, "These things really suck!"

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 11:18:31 AM
 :emot_laughing.gif: vile8r  :emot_rotf.gif:

so this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere ..
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 11:37:39 AM
I was sitting at a piano with a really white girl, my hand was between her legs when I asked her if "I could tickle the Ivories"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 11:39:42 AM
 :emot_rotf.gif:

a blind man walks into a bar .. and a table .. and a chair
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 11:43:44 AM
She was surrounded by naked men, all of then and even she was singing "Come Together! Right Now over me!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 11:45:18 AM
omg carhamgrater .. that was bad  :emot_laughing.gif:

somebody stole my mood ring .. i’m not quite sure how I feel about that
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 11:48:50 AM
Well they all cant be gems can they

As he was led away by the police someone called out "Why were you arrested" his reply stunned the voice "Because I let the sun go down on me!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 11:53:29 AM
(here's a bad one from me  :angel: )

how many freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis .. i mean light-bulb .. really .. a light bulb
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 19, 2020, 01:41:19 PM
she was happy she got her pipes sorted out as the plumber left with another job well done
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 02:34:54 PM
atheism is a non-prophet organization
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 04:07:41 PM
The announcer came on "only Girls Aloud!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 04:17:42 PM
so what if I can’t spell armageddon? .. it’s not the end of the world
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 19, 2020, 04:55:02 PM
As I said to my horse, why the long face?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 05:01:34 PM
sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 19, 2020, 05:09:28 PM
His name was Myles. He was going places
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 05:46:13 PM
Bob Doug Neil were all consider gay!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 19, 2020, 05:53:16 PM
Her name was Summer she thought she was hot
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 06:30:55 PM
Gaye Has a thing for women!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 19, 2020, 06:57:32 PM
i have a few jokes about unemployed people .. but none of them work
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2020, 08:18:30 PM
She took one look at me and said that I already had a hard part to begin with
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 19, 2020, 08:24:55 PM
Police are looking for the thief responsible for stealing the toilet out of the police station. But admitted they have no clues and right now they have nothing to go on!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 07:22:17 AM
"i have a split personality" said tom .. being frank
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Neighbor on February 20, 2020, 07:47:14 AM
"i have a split personality" said tom .. being frank

… While eating, drinking, and being Mary.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 07:52:42 AM
I got told off for wearing a short skirt at work, by boss said he’ll bring it up at the next meeting
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 08:13:08 AM
the man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 20, 2020, 08:43:50 AM
I got a job at the rocket factory. It's good job security. The boss said we can go nowhere but up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 08:58:39 AM
i went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday .. but couldn't find any
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 10:02:12 AM
She hated it when her husband suffered premature ejaculation during fellatio, you can see it all over her face
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 11:37:21 AM
england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 03:14:36 PM
england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool
Very good  :emot_rotf.gif:

Her Name was Raine Bowe, they say she was a colorful character
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Blushmaker on February 20, 2020, 04:35:56 PM
I got a job at the rocket factory. It's good job security. The boss said we can go nowhere but up.

That must b a blast!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Blushmaker on February 20, 2020, 04:38:17 PM
I just got back from shaving cream wrestling.  It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 20, 2020, 05:00:18 PM
The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?"    :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 20, 2020, 05:06:27 PM
england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool

The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?"    :emot_rotf.gif:

She hated it when her husband suffered premature ejaculation during fellatio, you can see it all over her face

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:  all earn a merit from me!

even before being hit by a car i was feeling 'run down!'
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 05:08:04 PM
The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?"    :emot_rotf.gif:

Fantastic merit :emot_rotf.gif:

“Dammit”the Beaver shouted
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 20, 2020, 05:36:01 PM
It wasn't hard for us to find the train. It left a good set of tracks.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 20, 2020, 06:16:38 PM
We wrote the boss a note with invisible ink- apparently he couldn't see it to read the note
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 06:21:52 PM
german sausage jokes are just the wurst
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 06:29:55 PM
I hear China’s economy has suddenly become very fragile
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 06:30:44 PM
i have a photographic memory .. but i never developed it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 20, 2020, 06:40:58 PM
This seafood diet is not working at all, I see food and I eat it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 20, 2020, 06:47:36 PM
The bank manager said the vault would keep anything safe so we went there to have unprotective sex
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 20, 2020, 06:48:27 PM
i wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant .. but then i changed my mind
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 20, 2020, 06:58:40 PM
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 21, 2020, 08:43:42 AM
A man walked up to the entrance of a nightclub carrying a set of booster cables. The bouncer let him in but said, "Don't you be starting anything in there!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 08:51:31 AM
there was a kidnapping at school yesterday .. don’t worry though .. she woke up
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 12:10:35 PM
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 12:11:54 PM
i hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. .. i’m not really a mourning person
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 12:21:02 PM
I accidentally handed my  girlfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick. She still isn't talking to me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 12:21:57 PM
police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 12:24:27 PM
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 12:25:31 PM
i used to be indecisive .. now i'm not so sure
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 12:29:19 PM
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 12:30:36 PM
i saw an ad for burial plots and I thought .. that’s the last thing i need
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 12:33:11 PM
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 21, 2020, 12:40:11 PM
"Do you see what I mean?" the teacher asked her class of blind students. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 02:45:58 PM
i walked into my bedroom and tripped over a bra .. it was a booby trap
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 04:25:33 PM
I asked her are you welcome and she replied no i had more than that before!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 21, 2020, 05:59:23 PM
time flies like an arrow .. fruit flies like a banana
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 21, 2020, 06:47:39 PM
How did I escape Iraq? Iran
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2020, 08:20:25 PM
How did I escape Iraq? Iran

Considering the current tensions in that region that was a very bad pun!


I was sick in Berlin, they kept calling me German!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 21, 2020, 10:04:35 PM
Found a big black spider in my car.  He was weaving a web of de-seat!   :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 22, 2020, 07:45:22 AM
The girl I'm dating was born in the Netherlands, she asked if we could go out I said sure a long as we go Dutch!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:03:14 AM
my ex-bf still misses me .. but his aim is starting to improve
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 08:13:37 AM
Did you see that explicit picture of Leonardo Di Vinci giving a blowjob with a knife to his throat
They call it Rape Culture!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:15:44 AM
i bought a boat because it was for sail
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 08:17:02 AM
My doctor said I’ve drink problem. I said I’ve no problem I like it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:18:52 AM
yesterday a clown held the door open for me .. it was such a nice jester
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 08:20:31 AM
See that man who collects all known precious gems, thinks he’s a rockstar
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:21:32 AM
i sued an airline company after it lost my luggage .. i lost my case
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 08:22:40 AM
i sued an airline company after it lost my luggage .. i lost my case

 :emot_laughing.gif: Class!

Hear about the student who got straight A’s he was a class act
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:23:58 AM
when everything is coming your way .. you're in the wrong lane
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 08:27:21 AM
I hate when Rose comes into the shop, she’s such a prickly customer
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 08:32:36 AM
dyslexics are teople poo
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 22, 2020, 10:43:15 AM
dyslexics are teople poo
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: Merit!


The teenage sea monster came home early in the morning, her mother was waiting up for her. "And what have you been up to all night, young lady, coming home with a mouth full of seamen?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 11:52:23 AM
how does an attorney sleep? .. first he lies on one side .. then he lies on the other
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 22, 2020, 12:06:57 PM
He was a perfect choice for Montreal to draft after all he was a Canadian
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 22, 2020, 01:32:45 PM
They fired me for sexual harassment. But really her ass meant nothing to me. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 22, 2020, 03:05:35 PM
you men should never forget that life without women would be a pain in the ass
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 22, 2020, 04:45:17 PM
Pinnochio did what did you leave inside me- Oh you nose baby!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2020, 06:49:34 PM
A man was so worried about not getting that promotion in work, he suffered erectile dysfunction.
After a quick trip to the chemist he got that raise
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 22, 2020, 08:39:59 PM
My girlfriend is an sex object -when I ask she objects!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 23, 2020, 08:46:59 AM
See the King Of Denmark visited Iceland  he got a very cold reception
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2020, 09:09:00 AM
He looked high and low for a pail since they said he has to Bail!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 23, 2020, 09:42:37 AM
my drug test came back negative .. my dealer sure has some explaining to do
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 23, 2020, 10:45:19 AM
A pair of mens' pants says to a pair of ladies' pants on the clothesline, "So, baby, you hang out here often?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 23, 2020, 12:04:57 PM
there was this guy who tried to change his password to penis .. but they said it was too short
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2020, 01:11:09 PM
The police made him write everything down since they didn't believe his rapes weren't fictional!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Neighbor on February 23, 2020, 01:22:54 PM
He went for a run, she went for a run, they went for a run... I took a nap. I'd love to tell you more about it, but I slept thru the whole thing!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 23, 2020, 02:26:04 PM
i hated my uncle .. he always said .. “sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2020, 03:16:54 PM
Australian Don't have sex, Australians Mate
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 23, 2020, 05:50:01 PM
i was going to tell you a joke about my vagina .. but you will never get it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 23, 2020, 05:56:22 PM
I got a job at a mall during Christmas wrapping up gifts for people. I did a pretty good job and a lot of people complimented me. My boss told me I should become a wrap artist!  ;D
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 23, 2020, 05:58:34 PM
i was very naive sexually .. my first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to africa for six months
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 23, 2020, 06:02:32 PM
It’s a travesty he got charged  for breaking and entering
He broke my jaw and forcibly entered me so why is he not done for rape
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2020, 06:34:38 PM
My girlfriend attended her first baseball game, where I explained all the bases to her. After a single I told her the batter got to first base then she replied will at least someone got there today!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 23, 2020, 06:36:51 PM
I got offered a new position today, I don’t know of I can step up to the role of reverse cowgirl though
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2020, 08:11:45 PM
She asked If she was believable as a pony girl and I said neighhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 24, 2020, 08:28:41 AM
In elementary school, I ran for Playground president. The campaign was a real merry-go-round, and it got pretty down and dirty in the sandbox, but it was the swing votes that helped me win!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 24, 2020, 09:34:30 AM
Talking to this Italian businessman in a bar, he said he made huge money selling Olive Oil
God knows what Popeye will say when he finds out
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 24, 2020, 09:43:35 AM
i ate a clock yesterday .. it was very time-consuming
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 11:17:09 AM
The worker expired at the pen plant- he drowned in red ink!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 24, 2020, 11:28:55 AM
a perfectionist walked into a bar .. apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 01:23:05 PM
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 24, 2020, 02:21:27 PM
a fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 24, 2020, 02:34:02 PM
I got a reputation for sleeping around when I was younger, I soon put those rumors to bed.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 24, 2020, 02:35:30 PM
I got a reputation for sleeping around when I was younger, I soon put those rumors to bed.
:emot_laughing.gif:

did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? it was given two consecutive sentence
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 03:56:03 PM
Walking in the deep woods when i hear a growl, turning there was a big black shape so i called out "Please bear with me!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 24, 2020, 04:15:21 PM
When the  window cleaner was told he done a terrible job, he lost the rag at that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 04:34:32 PM
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 24, 2020, 04:57:24 PM
i recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner .. all it was doing was gathering dust
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 24, 2020, 05:18:11 PM
My uncle sadly passed away the other day. We couldn't remember his blood type that would have saved him but he seemed happy as he kept saying "Be Positive!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 05:59:58 PM
The eye doctor said his vision was great, he could see Myles
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 24, 2020, 07:01:22 PM
I had a wooden boat with a wooden engine. The damn thing just wooden start!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2020, 07:47:19 PM
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 24, 2020, 10:33:55 PM
Jane went to the bakery to buy buns but the handsome baker's son talked her into getting bred too!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 25, 2020, 06:42:06 AM
My girlfriend refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she's just being clothes-minded!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 25, 2020, 06:59:43 AM
i hate russian dolls .. they’re so full of themselves
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 25, 2020, 10:14:25 AM
I was going to post a really good pun about chemistry, unfortunately though all the good ones argon!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 25, 2020, 10:54:38 AM
i have clean conscience .. i haven’t used it once
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 25, 2020, 01:40:34 PM
I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 25, 2020, 02:32:28 PM
I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!
  :emot_rotf.gif:

been reading up on the thesaurus lately because .. a mind is a terrible thing to garbage
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 25, 2020, 05:27:34 PM
Saw the play Jesus Christ Superstar the other night,  the cast really nailed it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 25, 2020, 06:43:48 PM
It's traditional in our family to always have a Christmas jumper, although I don't know why it's always my job to talk them down!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 25, 2020, 07:10:17 PM
i ran into my ex in town yesterday .. then I ran over him .. backed up and ran into him again
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 25, 2020, 08:17:16 PM
I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!

So merit worthy

I had to take my taxes to a professional- I couldn't make cents of them!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 26, 2020, 09:27:49 AM
did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 26, 2020, 11:55:18 AM
AGBN - That's bang out of order!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 26, 2020, 01:51:05 PM
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 26, 2020, 02:03:16 PM
i broke my left index finger today .. but on the other hand i am completely fine
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 26, 2020, 02:38:31 PM
My girlfriend turned the heat down in the bedroom and curl up in two blankets then wonder why I woke with Blue balls!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 26, 2020, 03:54:19 PM
what do you call a cheap circumcision? .. a rip off
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 26, 2020, 04:35:31 PM
I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 27, 2020, 06:09:36 AM
what did the agnostic .. dyslexic .. insomniac do? he stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 27, 2020, 10:20:15 AM
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 27, 2020, 10:55:21 AM
light travels faster than sound .. that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 27, 2020, 11:06:49 AM
I got a job at the paint factory. My co-workers are a colorful bunch!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 27, 2020, 04:44:59 PM
when life gives you melons .. you're dyslexic
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 27, 2020, 05:26:54 PM
What was the mouse’s last word before he was snapped? Cheese!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 27, 2020, 05:53:12 PM
I went to the doctor complaining of sinus infection, ringing in my ears, a itchy nose and a sore throat, he said don't worry it's all in your head!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 27, 2020, 06:11:17 PM
I was always told never to fight a dinosaur, you'll get you Jurasskicked!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 27, 2020, 06:13:39 PM
I been told never assume for it makes an ass out of u and me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 27, 2020, 11:14:56 PM
He was a junior officer so they put him in charge of the infantry
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 28, 2020, 06:03:37 AM
I had my optometrist appointment outside since I told him I could see for miles and miles
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 28, 2020, 06:56:36 AM
I was always told never to fight a dinosaur, you'll get you Jurasskicked!
  :emot_rotf.gif:

if glass coffins will be a success .. remains to be seen
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 28, 2020, 07:36:44 AM
Told my friend I was going fishing. He asked me if I had worms. I said, "Yes, I do but I'm going anyways."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 28, 2020, 08:57:40 AM
it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Neighbor on February 28, 2020, 09:30:19 AM
Sex between three people is a threesome.
Sex between four people is a foursome.
Hopefully that clarifies why people call you handsome.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 28, 2020, 10:24:30 AM
Sex between three people is a threesome.
Sex between four people is a foursome.
Hopefully that clarifies why people call you handsome.
:emot_rotf.gif:

last night i dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda .. but it was just a fanta sea
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 28, 2020, 11:22:16 AM
Sex between three people is a threesome.
Sex between four people is a foursome.
Hopefully that clarifies why people call you handsome.

Now that's merit worthy!

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 28, 2020, 12:05:17 PM
a bus station is where the bus stops
a train station is where the train stops
in my office .. i now have a work station
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 28, 2020, 04:14:13 PM
Vampires!... What a pain in the neck!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Neighbor on February 28, 2020, 04:44:37 PM
SHORT Vampires!... What a pain in the BUTT!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 28, 2020, 05:02:35 PM
a police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. that’s ridiculous .. my dogs don’t even own bikes
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 28, 2020, 05:45:22 PM
A police officer knocked on the door and asked me if I had been a witness. I said yes a Jehovah Witness, he closed the door in my face!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 28, 2020, 09:05:02 PM
Her legs went all the way up and made an ass of themselves.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 29, 2020, 02:30:24 AM
The man who painted our house was up in court the other day, apparently he had a brush with the law
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 29, 2020, 05:36:41 AM
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 29, 2020, 07:18:18 AM
all chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 29, 2020, 07:31:54 AM
Don't you just hate when people tell you about what they did in the bathroom- like you give a shit about it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 29, 2020, 11:21:00 AM
need an ark? i noah guy
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 29, 2020, 11:33:41 AM
When I was young we used to play walk the plank. Why my parents couldn't have gotten a dog like the others is anyone's guess!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 29, 2020, 11:38:32 AM
the guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 29, 2020, 01:23:19 PM
Did the voices in the head of the person who invented the vibrator here "If you invent it they will come!"

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 29, 2020, 01:53:17 PM
The  driver who crashed the locomotive, definitely needed more training
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 29, 2020, 02:54:53 PM
The politicians never worried about losing altitude in the Balloon, they all had plenty of hot air to spout!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on February 29, 2020, 03:52:06 PM
a cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 29, 2020, 04:34:55 PM
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 01, 2020, 06:21:11 AM
i like european food .. so i decided to russia over there because i was hungary. after czech'ing the menu i ordered turkey .. when i was finnished i told the waiter 'spain good but there is norway i could eat another bite'
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 01, 2020, 08:22:29 AM
Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 01, 2020, 08:33:39 AM
i'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 01, 2020, 08:37:03 AM
The feminist stormed out of the restaurant as the waiter asked did she want to see the Menu!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 01, 2020, 08:41:31 AM
what did the grape say when it got stepped on? .. nothing - but it let out a little whine
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 01, 2020, 12:49:21 PM
If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail and try again!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 01, 2020, 03:02:25 PM
being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 01, 2020, 05:30:32 PM
kiss makes your day…But anal makes your hole weak.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 01, 2020, 05:55:47 PM
I went to a restaurant that specialized in Middle Eastern cuisine. Their sign said, "Good Food, While Kuwait!"  I ordered Iraq of lamb. But it didn't agree with me so off to the washroom Iran! Apparently the chef liked to use a lot of Greece.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 02, 2020, 04:33:58 AM
the other day I tried to make a chemistry joke .. but got no reaction
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 02, 2020, 12:16:42 PM
All I wanted was proof the baby was mine so i could settle a minor issue!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 02, 2020, 12:18:00 PM
the furniture store keeps calling me to come back .. but all i wanted was one night stand
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 02, 2020, 12:53:47 PM
Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 02, 2020, 03:38:39 PM
two windmills are standing in a wind farm .. one asks “what’s your favorite kind of music?” .. the other says, “i’m a big metal fan.”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 02, 2020, 08:00:57 PM
Two germs are hanging out in a guy's stomach. One says to the other, " Get this on Youtube, I'm about to go viral."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 03, 2020, 03:18:54 AM
two fish in a tank .. one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 03, 2020, 11:06:01 AM
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 03, 2020, 02:26:56 PM
what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday .. the rest are weekdays
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 03, 2020, 04:46:37 PM
Just me, I love you from my head tomatoes
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 03, 2020, 04:54:57 PM
what’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? a tire
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 03, 2020, 05:30:09 PM
My boss needed an organ transplant but refused to get it! We hope he changes his heart about it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 03, 2020, 09:05:25 PM
two fish in a tank .. one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

This just earned a merit!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 03, 2020, 09:08:37 PM
The therapist entered the meeting of his Plastic Surgery Anonymous group.  "I see a lot of new faces," he said, " and frankly I'm quite disappointed in you all."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 04, 2020, 06:27:18 AM
hear about the new restaurant called karma? .. there’s no menu - you get what you deserve
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2020, 06:47:21 AM
If it's "Alcoholics  Anonymous" why do you have to stand and say your name and that your an alcoholic!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 04, 2020, 06:49:43 AM
what did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2020, 06:57:41 AM
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 04, 2020, 06:59:22 AM
what would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? a lawsuit
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2020, 07:04:57 AM
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 04, 2020, 07:20:39 AM
how does moses make coffee? hebrews it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2020, 11:27:37 AM
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on March 04, 2020, 04:49:57 PM
I got so annoyed with old people pointing at me at weddings saying "You're next" that now I go and do the same to them at funerals!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2020, 05:00:32 PM
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 05, 2020, 08:22:02 AM
i lost my job at the bank on my very first day .. a woman asked me to check her balance .. so I pushed her over
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2020, 11:13:25 AM
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 05, 2020, 11:44:48 AM
Hear about the new drinking venue on the Eiffel Tower they really raised the bar with that one
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2020, 12:58:38 PM
The last note in the log of the Titanic- ran out of ice!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 05, 2020, 01:40:36 PM
atoms are untrustworthy little critters .. they make up everything
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2020, 02:51:41 PM
I can't understand Ions- one time they're positive the next ones are negative!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 05, 2020, 03:42:15 PM
i'm on a seafood diet .. every time I see food .. i eat it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2020, 04:55:33 PM
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 05, 2020, 05:29:24 PM
someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2020, 06:15:41 PM
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 05, 2020, 09:10:21 PM
I got a job at a dairy farm. I milked it for all it was worth.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 06, 2020, 04:09:24 AM
Do you want to come back to mine for a drink? No Pub intended
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 06, 2020, 06:34:09 AM
i started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats .. prophets are going through the roof
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 06, 2020, 06:51:18 AM
i started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats .. prophets are going through the roof
Wow.........Merit for sure.

Why was the Apple in trouble after the next nine months , because he came in cider.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 06, 2020, 06:57:52 AM
i’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet .. i just don’t know why
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 06, 2020, 09:42:09 AM
I wouldn't mind being a trumpet......they get blown a lot.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 06, 2020, 11:25:16 AM
The skeleton knew what would happen next—he could just feel it in his bones.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 06, 2020, 01:51:03 PM
how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10-tickles
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 06, 2020, 05:44:17 PM
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 06, 2020, 05:52:46 PM
My computer wasn't working so I called up my IT guy. He said, "Have you tried re-booting?" I said, "I've kicked it against the wall five times now, how many more times should I do it?"  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 07, 2020, 04:27:53 AM
My computer wasn't working so I called up my IT guy. He said, "Have you tried re-booting?" I said, "I've kicked it against the wall five times now, how many more times should I do it?"  :emot_rotf.gif:

Lol very good Vile8r merit in order I think!

Do you notice how hard that light beam is when they get turned on.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 07, 2020, 06:13:42 AM
When i went in for my annual check-up the doctor asks how i was, my reply was mostly good but Liverwurst!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 07, 2020, 08:18:12 AM
what superlative did robert e. lee win in high school? most likely to secede
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Shocker on March 07, 2020, 09:30:28 AM
what superlative did robert e. lee win in high school? most likely to secede

That would have been more a Jefferson Davies thing than Robert E Lee
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 07, 2020, 09:54:25 AM
My pet fish isn't too bright. He dropped out of school.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 07, 2020, 10:53:58 AM
how did the native americans get to america first? they had reservations
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 07, 2020, 12:18:29 PM
Had unprotected sex in my ear now I have hearing aids
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 07, 2020, 12:51:56 PM
Had unprotected sex in my ear now I have hearing aids
:emot_rotf.gif: That's a merit!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 07, 2020, 12:57:08 PM
How to catch an elephant:  Dig a big hole and fill it full of ashes. Take a can of peas and sprinkle them all around the edge of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, you sneak up behind and kick him in the ash!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 07, 2020, 01:32:34 PM
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 07, 2020, 02:49:16 PM
why was king arthur’s army too tired to fight? all of those sleepless knights
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 07, 2020, 04:12:34 PM
A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 07, 2020, 04:14:37 PM
Here of this Master Baiter? His name was Hands Solo.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 07, 2020, 04:50:23 PM
I wheelie love my bike!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 07, 2020, 11:20:52 PM
My bike was possessed by demons. I couldn't get rid of it or they'd kill me. It became a vicious cycle.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 08, 2020, 06:49:05 AM
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 08, 2020, 07:45:16 AM
whiteboards are pretty re-markable
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 08, 2020, 10:11:25 AM
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them..
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 08, 2020, 12:25:35 PM
napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore .. but he did have a hand in it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 08, 2020, 12:29:55 PM
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed
  :emot_rotf.gif:  Merit!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 08, 2020, 12:36:29 PM
Two cellphones got married. The wedding ceremony was good, but the reception was even better!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 08, 2020, 03:34:17 PM
the male pig puts everyone to sleep .. you might say he’s quite a boar
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 08, 2020, 05:22:40 PM
I burnt the Turkey and the side dishes- it made it a fowl meal!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Shocker on March 08, 2020, 05:32:52 PM
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them..
But you are positive about it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 08, 2020, 05:33:18 PM
When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, his wife said, "Yeah, another of your bright ideas!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 08, 2020, 06:26:46 PM
Caught my mum and the postman doing it on the stairs, he’s now my step father
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 08, 2020, 07:05:50 PM
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 09, 2020, 03:04:51 AM
Did you here about the ex clown running for President, that will create a media circus
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 09, 2020, 05:24:29 AM
what do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? a complete waist of time
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 09, 2020, 08:48:47 AM
what do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? a complete waist of time

Brilliant!  :emot_laughing.gif:

I Don’t like rape jokes, my laughter was very forced
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 09, 2020, 08:52:50 AM
Yesterday my refrigerator was running. Today it's just sitting along the wall in the kitchen. Must have wore itself out.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 09, 2020, 11:36:50 AM
the guy who invented throat lozenges died last week .. there was no coffin at the funeral
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 09, 2020, 12:24:12 PM
I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 09, 2020, 03:24:08 PM
what do you call children who are born in a whorehouse? brothel sprouts
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 09, 2020, 04:25:48 PM
Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They’re always raisinet.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 09, 2020, 06:40:20 PM
Why was the hedgehog kicked out of the pub?
He was caught spiking the drinks
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 09, 2020, 08:29:11 PM
Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 09, 2020, 09:16:43 PM
My dog is hooked on drugs. He's a meth lab.  emot_omfg.gif
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 10, 2020, 05:00:26 AM
what did the mermaid wear to math class? an algae-bra
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2020, 05:59:08 AM
While eating his Frosted Flakes the shipper was asked what those are, confused as to what they were asking he cried out "The CRATES!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 10, 2020, 10:28:37 AM
i like bowling .. seriously, it’s right up my alley
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2020, 10:38:23 AM
Q: Are monsters good at math?

A: No, unless you Count Dracula.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 10, 2020, 10:47:22 AM
my ipad makes me fall asleep .. i can't help it .. there’s a nap for that
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2020, 11:01:38 AM
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I thought he must be plotting something.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 10, 2020, 11:23:08 AM
you know what really bugs me? insect puns
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2020, 05:03:37 PM
hey I'll have know that I'm not fat just a little husky!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 10, 2020, 05:31:06 PM
why did the mathematician work from home? because he could only function in his domain
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 10, 2020, 06:20:31 PM
I was going to become a farmer, but I had poor land. You couldn't even raise a fuss on it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2020, 07:30:57 PM
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 11, 2020, 01:02:45 AM
The strawberry called his buddy. "You gotta come help me, man! I'm in a real jam!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 11, 2020, 03:28:56 AM
i accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night .. my dreams have never been clearer
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 11, 2020, 03:35:50 AM
Went Skiing in South America it was Chile
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 11, 2020, 04:11:03 AM
the past .. the present .. and the future walk into a bar. it was tense
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 11, 2020, 06:22:58 AM
A old termite walked into a bar and asked "Where was the bar tender?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 11, 2020, 10:35:12 AM
how did the picture end up in jail? .. it was framed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 11, 2020, 11:24:08 AM
I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 11, 2020, 12:28:02 PM
The police quickly found the thief who stole my front door. It was an open and shut case!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 11, 2020, 04:07:52 PM
The police had camera stolen from the evidence locker, no one could picture how!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 11, 2020, 04:33:59 PM
you really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math .. it's easy as pi
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 12, 2020, 06:17:26 AM
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 12, 2020, 07:15:53 AM
what did the hamburger name it's baby? .. patty
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 12, 2020, 09:45:01 AM
I dropped a heavy box on my foot. Called 911 and they said they'd send a toe truck over right away.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 12, 2020, 10:18:51 AM
why was the baby ant confused? because all his uncles were ants
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 12, 2020, 11:22:35 AM
I saw my friend in a large crowded room and called out “Hi Jack”. The airport police weren’t impressed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 12, 2020, 12:19:13 PM
my boyfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti .. you should've seen his face when i drove pasta
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 12, 2020, 01:08:42 PM
I saw a chameleon in my backyard. I tried to kick it but missed and kicked a tree and broke my toe. I guess it was a karma chameleon.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 12, 2020, 03:19:08 PM
coffee has a rough time in our house .. it gets mugged every single morning
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 12, 2020, 06:42:42 PM
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 13, 2020, 08:04:07 AM
what did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? .. put it on my bill
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 13, 2020, 10:57:02 AM
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…But he did have a hand in it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 13, 2020, 11:16:35 AM
I got a job at the battery factory. Some days it was positive, other days it was negative.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 13, 2020, 11:27:40 AM
whenever I undress in the bathroom .. my shower gets turned on
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 13, 2020, 01:08:23 PM
If anyone knows a real good fish pun let minnow!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 13, 2020, 04:02:37 PM
my parents said i can't drink coffee anymore .. or else they'll ground me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 13, 2020, 06:28:09 PM
I saw a kidnapping today but I didn't wake him up!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 14, 2020, 08:14:32 AM
just because we had the subject of limericks yesterday .. here is a limerick pun

i'm the very best cook of the group ..
i can poach .. i can scoop cantaloupe ..
i can also roast beef ..
without any grief ..
but i'm damned if i'm gonna pee soup
 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 14, 2020, 08:36:35 AM
The girl I was chatting with on RU was asking too many questions so I logged off.  Curiosity killed the chat.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 14, 2020, 09:34:06 AM
who is the penguin's favorite aunt? aunt-arctica
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 14, 2020, 01:03:19 PM
I hollered out there robin red breast then she put her bra back on!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 14, 2020, 03:30:51 PM
i once met a pig that did karate .. we called him pork chop
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 14, 2020, 04:21:50 PM
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 14, 2020, 10:33:23 PM
I got a job hauling cases of gin to Asia by ship. I was on the sloe boat to China. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 08:57:43 AM
my husband refuses to go to a nude beach with me .. i think he's just being clothes-minded
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 03:25:42 PM
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 03:36:14 PM
the quickest way to make antifreeze? .. just steal her blanket 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 03:38:38 PM
 I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 03:41:47 PM
did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in france? .. there was nothing left but de brie
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 03:50:47 PM
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 03:51:58 PM
i'm no cheetah .. you're lion
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 04:06:24 PM
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 04:07:02 PM
three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .. you can't tell me that's just a coincidence
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 04:15:52 PM
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 15, 2020, 04:27:38 PM
never date someone cross-eyed .. you'll always catch them seeing other people on the side
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2020, 04:36:18 PM
Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 16, 2020, 08:24:25 AM
what did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? .. "hey .. close the door .. i'm dressing"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 16, 2020, 11:17:10 AM
The dentists and manicurists didn't get alone they were constantly fighting tooth and nail!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 16, 2020, 12:25:01 PM
how can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? it's not hard
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 16, 2020, 03:18:01 PM
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 16, 2020, 06:04:05 PM
My wife said, "To be frank, our marriage hasn't been working for a long time."

"You're right," I agreed. "And who the fuck is Frank?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 16, 2020, 06:05:43 PM
how do you make a good egg-roll? .. you push it down a hill
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 17, 2020, 06:28:02 AM
Whoever came up with the term "Dentures" really missed the opportunity to call then "Substitooths!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 17, 2020, 07:14:13 AM
What to do in Quarantine? Sit back and listen to the WHO
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 17, 2020, 08:38:25 AM
apple is designing a new automatic car .. but they're having trouble installing windows
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 17, 2020, 09:06:19 AM
The banana turned black and the other fruit kicked him out of the bowl. They found him un-a-peeling!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 17, 2020, 11:13:28 AM
I didn't like my beard at first then it grew on me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 17, 2020, 12:53:50 PM
that baseball player was such a bad sport .. first he stole third base and then he just went home
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 17, 2020, 05:58:30 PM
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 17, 2020, 06:23:37 PM
what do you call an overweight psychic? .. a four-chin teller
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2020, 05:24:28 AM
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 18, 2020, 08:34:25 AM
two egotists started a fight .. it was an i for an i
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2020, 10:46:10 AM
You know that broken pencils are pointless!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 18, 2020, 11:01:38 AM
i wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning .. but I mist my chance. i guess I could dew it tomorrow
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 18, 2020, 01:56:32 PM
People self-quarantining in Germany are hoarding sausage and cheese. Authorities say it's a wurst case scenario.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2020, 04:49:37 PM
The person at the cheese counter said I know it's cheesy but I feel grate!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 18, 2020, 06:32:17 PM
what should you call an average potato? .. a commen-tator!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2020, 06:48:04 PM
There's a thin line between a nominator and denominator but only a fraction of people would know that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 18, 2020, 09:11:58 PM
I got a job at a cannabis greenhouse. My boss told me, "Around here, we either do things my way or the high way!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 19, 2020, 05:25:36 AM
Dogs Can't operate MRI machines but Catscan
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 19, 2020, 07:52:14 AM
my dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type .. his last words to us were .. "be positive"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 19, 2020, 12:45:28 PM
I have a job crushing Pop cans- It's soda pressing!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 19, 2020, 03:52:53 PM
i bought some shoes on the drug black market .. i don't know what they're laced with .. but I've been tripping all day
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 19, 2020, 05:39:05 PM
The crew of the Starship Enterprise went camping in Yellowstone National Park. One day the park ranger came to their campsite and lectured them about not properly extinguishing their campfire when they went to bed the night before. "You know," he said, "It only takes one Spock to start a forest fire!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 19, 2020, 06:30:59 PM
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? .. he was lucky it was a soft drink
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 19, 2020, 06:55:38 PM
Be Positive No Matter Watt
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 19, 2020, 10:29:14 PM
My days of a ladies' man are over. Nowadays the only thing I can get turned on in my house is my TV!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 20, 2020, 05:45:46 AM
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 20, 2020, 08:32:23 AM
bad puns .. it's how eye roll
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 20, 2020, 09:10:43 AM
I was trying to get my pilot's licence. The instructor told me it was time for me to take my solo flight. So I did. I flew so low I almost crashed into a bridge!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 20, 2020, 11:07:52 AM
why did the grizzly hate this game? .. he can't bear puns
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 20, 2020, 12:10:14 PM
I ate four cans of Alphaghetti and just had me the biggest vowel movement of my life!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 20, 2020, 01:28:28 PM
the first computer dates back to adam and eve .. it was an apple with limited memory .. just one byte .. and then everything crashed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 20, 2020, 05:03:12 PM
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 20, 2020, 06:18:38 PM
about a month before he died .. my uncle had his back covered in lard. after that .. he went down hill fast
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 20, 2020, 08:34:25 PM
Merits awarded to both Graham and Just me for making me laugh so hard!  :emot_rotf.gif:


At the news conference, the prison warden announced the death row convict would be executed by hanging later that evening. "He'll be on the six o'clock noose!"

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 10:59:45 AM
i'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie .. but there are just too many holes in the plot
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 11:06:40 AM
The job of a mortician is to make you feel drop dead gorgeous.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 11:07:59 AM
i just found an origami porn channel .. but it is paper view only
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 11:10:57 AM
 If you rush a decapitation, you’ll get a head of yourself
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 11:16:57 AM
my husband tried to make me have sex on the hood of his honda civic .. i refused! if i'm going to have sex on a car .. it's going to be on my own accord
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 11:21:12 AM
Now that's a merit!

Dr Pepper was hurt , he was a salted with a deadly weapon!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 11:24:24 AM
did you hear about the depressed plumber? he's been going through some real shit
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 12:38:00 PM
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 21, 2020, 01:48:09 PM
The steam shovel operator had to file for bankruptcy. He dug himself into a hole he couldn't get out of.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 03:21:59 PM
if you cross an owl and a rooster .. you get a cock that stays up all night
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 04:04:10 PM
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 21, 2020, 05:49:45 PM
virginity is like a soap bubble .. one prick and it is gone
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2020, 06:34:22 PM
The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 22, 2020, 10:27:25 AM
friends are like boobs .. some big .. some small .. some real .. some fake
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2020, 12:12:50 PM
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 22, 2020, 01:27:49 PM
i'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet .. so far i've got twelve fridges
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2020, 05:12:20 PM
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 22, 2020, 07:59:54 PM
why was the horse so happy? because he lived in a stable environment
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2020, 08:23:59 PM
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2020, 09:32:08 AM
I used to live next door to a goat farm. It was tiring having to holler everyday, "Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 23, 2020, 09:52:38 AM
in democracy .. it's your vote that counts. in feudalism .. it's your count that votes
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2020, 03:55:26 PM
I used to live next door to a goat farm. It was tiring having to holler everyday, "Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!"

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2020, 07:04:41 PM
Not sure about this....my cousin told me he was going to school to learn to become a taxidermist. I asked him, "What is a taxidermist?"
He said,"Well, we mount dead animals!"  I said, "You sick bastard!"  emot_omfg.gif
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2020, 07:38:23 PM
Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 24, 2020, 03:58:55 AM
i had a job tying sausages together .. but I couldn't make ends meet
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2020, 05:47:24 AM
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 24, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
I am so poor I can't even pay respect!   :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 24, 2020, 08:41:37 AM
an opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2020, 10:45:02 AM
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 24, 2020, 11:14:55 AM
television is a medium because anything well done is rare
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2020, 12:07:59 PM
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 24, 2020, 04:33:47 PM
i made a graph of my past relationships .. it has an ex axis and a why axis
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2020, 06:30:56 PM
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 24, 2020, 06:43:09 PM
cells multiply by dividing
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 25, 2020, 11:24:56 AM
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 25, 2020, 12:27:12 PM
why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 25, 2020, 06:09:40 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 25, 2020, 06:10:08 PM
i was addicted to the hokey pokey .. but thankfully i turned myself around
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 25, 2020, 06:22:39 PM
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 06:57:53 AM
thanks for explaining the word "many" to me .. it means a lot
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 08:23:28 AM
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 09:21:25 AM
“doctor .. there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." .. "well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 10:46:28 AM
I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 12:26:31 PM
don't spell part backwards .. it's a trap
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 03:23:29 PM
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 03:47:39 PM
a mexican magician was doing a magic trick .. he said .. uno .. dose .. and he disappeared without a trace
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 03:53:31 PM
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 04:01:06 PM
how did i escape iraq? iran
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 04:10:09 PM
What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 04:19:48 PM
i just found out I'm colorblind .. the diagnosis came completely out of the purple
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 04:24:38 PM
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 26, 2020, 04:26:07 PM
i got a new pair of gloves today .. but they're both 'lefts' which .. on the one hand is great .. but on the other it's just not right
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 26, 2020, 04:27:55 PM
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 27, 2020, 10:46:42 AM
q: what do you call the security outside of a samsung store? a: guardians of the galaxy
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 27, 2020, 11:32:53 AM
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 27, 2020, 03:16:40 PM
my boyfriend told me he was leaving me because i keep pretending to be a transformer. i said "no .. wait! i can change"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 27, 2020, 04:30:58 PM
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 27, 2020, 05:15:35 PM
atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 27, 2020, 05:19:49 PM
Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 27, 2020, 05:27:48 PM
Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14
   :emot_rotf.gif: that one merit earned

i just burned 2,000 calories .. that's the last time i leave brownies in the oven while I nap

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 27, 2020, 07:56:19 PM
Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14

That is SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOO wrong! and earns you a merit

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 28, 2020, 10:03:24 AM
why was cinderella thrown off the basketball team? she ran away from the ball
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 28, 2020, 11:36:42 AM
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 28, 2020, 03:59:47 PM
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
   :emot_rotf.gif: .. a merit .. as soon as i can

to the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero .. thanks for nothing
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 28, 2020, 04:14:54 PM
Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 28, 2020, 07:04:39 PM
Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
your girlfriend is smart  :emot_thumbsup.gif:

i'm emotionally constipated .. i haven't given a shit in days
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 28, 2020, 07:27:51 PM
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 29, 2020, 08:14:44 AM
r.i.p boiled water .. you will be mist
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 29, 2020, 11:42:55 AM
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 29, 2020, 02:06:24 PM
They call them parking lots......but there's never lots of parking!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 29, 2020, 02:37:39 PM
claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 29, 2020, 06:29:03 PM
My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 30, 2020, 08:43:24 AM
what happens when frogs park illegally? they get toad 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 30, 2020, 09:46:16 AM
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 30, 2020, 03:03:01 PM
most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent i am as an electrician
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 30, 2020, 04:08:55 PM
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on March 31, 2020, 10:37:29 AM
if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea .. does that mean that one enjoys it?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 31, 2020, 11:22:00 AM
My grandfather wasn't a big fan of his Stair lift machine, he claimed that it drove him up the wall!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 31, 2020, 11:56:24 AM
A scientist built a robotic dog. It's bark was worse than its bytes!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 31, 2020, 03:13:41 PM
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 01, 2020, 08:46:56 AM
my husband likes it when i blow air on him when he's hot .. but honestly .. i'm not a fan
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 01, 2020, 10:27:26 AM
Maybe it's not global warming. Maybe it's just planetary menopause.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 01, 2020, 03:20:37 PM
i couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang .. but eventually it came back to me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 01, 2020, 04:39:47 PM
If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 02, 2020, 06:14:05 AM
if a short psychic broke out of jail .. then you'd have a small medium at large
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 02, 2020, 09:32:18 AM
My boss called the police when he couldn't find his bad, they found it at the bottom of the stairs, it was a briefcase!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 02, 2020, 10:41:24 AM
a courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason .. details are sketchy
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 02, 2020, 11:03:39 AM
The most sophisticated bread is always the upper crust.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 03, 2020, 10:23:53 AM
my boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture .. i have a hunch it might be me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 03, 2020, 12:15:37 PM
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 03, 2020, 03:15:22 PM
why do the french eat snails? they don't like fast food
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 03, 2020, 04:15:23 PM
I watched a really sad porn film the other day - it was a real tear-jerker.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 04, 2020, 06:12:32 AM
Checked out that fan fiction wow, it blew me away
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 04, 2020, 06:32:18 AM
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 04, 2020, 08:55:50 AM
i bought a dictionary and when I got home i realized all the pages were blank .. i have no words for how angry i am
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 04, 2020, 10:38:34 AM
Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 04, 2020, 05:52:34 PM
They say a lot of the food people buy goes to waste. A lot of the food I buy goes to my waist.  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 04, 2020, 07:01:52 PM
My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 05, 2020, 11:00:36 AM
They say a lot of the food people buy goes to waste. A lot of the food I buy goes to my waist.  :emot_rotf.gif:

sooo true .. and so cruel .. merit for this

what did e.t.'s mother say to him when he got home? "where on earth have you been?!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 05, 2020, 03:44:16 PM
My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back. Seems a little far fetched.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 06, 2020, 07:48:19 AM
i was raped by a group of mimes .. they did unspeakable things to me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 06, 2020, 09:26:38 AM
i was raped by a group of mimes .. they did unspeakable things to me

Now there has to be a way to make that image into a story! merit earned for the image!

The farmer stopped repairing the roof of the chicken coop- he was tired of coming home tarred and feathered!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 06, 2020, 10:41:54 AM
why doesn't any man need more than one rooster? a cock a dude'll do
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 06, 2020, 11:33:18 AM
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on April 06, 2020, 12:52:12 PM
Last night I met my boyfriend at the front door wearing only my most sexy lingerie. He wasn't very happy though, I was coming home!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 06, 2020, 01:10:36 PM
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 07, 2020, 12:00:37 AM
I'm starting a new business. A small grocery store where everything is stored on the top shelves. I'm calling it an inconvenience store!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 07, 2020, 08:46:03 AM
After tuning up my car I came in and grabbed my girlfriend and told her I was going to top up her fluids!- she slapped me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 07, 2020, 09:44:51 AM
as a nurse at the sperm bank i asked him if he'd like to masturbate in a cup. he said "i'm pretty good .. but i don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 07, 2020, 11:29:12 AM
 I told my girlfriend I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 07, 2020, 11:46:25 AM
have you ever had sex while camping? .. it's fucking intents
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 07, 2020, 01:35:18 PM
"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 07, 2020, 09:57:25 PM
A boat carrying a load of mentally challenged tourists ran aground on the Amazon River. All of the tourists were captured by a tribe of cannibals. "Oooooh!" said the chief's wife. "Hey kids! Tonight we get vegetable soup!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 08, 2020, 06:57:53 AM
A boat carrying a load of mentally challenged tourists ran aground on the Amazon River. All of the tourists were captured by a tribe of cannibals. "Oooooh!" said the chief's wife. "Hey kids! Tonight we get vegetable soup!"

merit earned for this ultra wrong pun!

The confused cannibal served the soup with the meat still in clothing, he didn't understand why the rest complained that there was a fly in the soup!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 08, 2020, 10:16:07 AM
a hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp .. the police are looking into it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 08, 2020, 11:04:27 AM
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 08, 2020, 01:58:27 PM
me: "remember when i rubbed you out?" genie: "don't say it like that"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 08, 2020, 04:37:43 PM
I went to a seafood restaurant and slipped. I pulled a mussel.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 09, 2020, 07:30:45 AM
sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 09, 2020, 11:55:10 AM
Masturbation is a touchy subject!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 09, 2020, 03:08:01 PM
i thought i understood the meaning of "when pigs fly" but then .. the swine flu
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 09, 2020, 04:48:08 PM
I’m an archeologists and my life is in ruins
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 10, 2020, 07:03:47 AM
i hate spelling errors .. you mix up two letters and your whole pun is urined
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 10, 2020, 07:58:09 AM
my girlfriend was mad at me for eating some of her baked good, I just told her that she had muffin on me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on April 10, 2020, 10:52:52 AM
I had to leave church the other day as they started praying to chickens, ducks and geese. There's no way I'm worshipping poultry God's.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 10, 2020, 11:37:20 AM
the early bird might get the worm .. but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 10, 2020, 12:31:25 PM
We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!” She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 11, 2020, 09:01:06 AM
my grandfather tried to warn them about the titanic. he screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink .. but all they did was throw him out of the theater
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 11, 2020, 12:18:51 PM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 11, 2020, 03:06:33 PM
did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in france? he was in sein
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 11, 2020, 07:23:13 PM
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 11, 2020, 08:11:09 PM
I out my hand in a mail slot and found a letter. I put my hand in a female slot and got arrested!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 12, 2020, 08:08:18 AM
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 12, 2020, 08:40:52 AM
the therapist asked my husband why he wanted to end our marriage .. he said he hated all the constant starwars puns. i looked at the therapist and said .. "divorce is strong with this one!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 12, 2020, 09:19:38 AM
Elvis didn’t like the present the Ewoks sent him. He wrote on it “Return to Endor”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 12, 2020, 12:40:33 PM
I was tired so I laid down with my large-titted girlfriend. I wanted some breast and relaxation!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 12, 2020, 08:17:20 PM
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 13, 2020, 08:32:41 AM
i got lots of presents this christmas .. in fact i was so good .. santa came twice
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 13, 2020, 10:38:52 AM
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 13, 2020, 02:35:41 PM
definition of vagina - the box a penis comes in
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 13, 2020, 03:34:42 PM
definition of vagina - the box a penis comes in

Merit awarded!

Sam passed on dinner tonight he wasn't into cock soup!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 13, 2020, 04:23:52 PM
The yoga instructor was arrested for murder. Police said it was pre-meditated!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 14, 2020, 06:34:27 AM
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 14, 2020, 09:51:22 AM
he was sexually active at 12 .. it's now 12:31 and his arm is killing him
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 14, 2020, 10:28:14 AM
My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 14, 2020, 04:57:21 PM
I got a job working at a market garden. It was horrible! The boss paid me a monthly celery, docked me pay when I would turnip late, told me he was going to beet me because I wanted to cauliflower a cabbage, and was always asking me where I'd bean and he wouldn't lettuce pea in the corn patch.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 14, 2020, 06:53:22 PM
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 15, 2020, 09:16:30 AM
masturbation is a touchy subject while oral sex is just a matter of taste
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 15, 2020, 01:23:44 PM
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 15, 2020, 03:50:25 PM
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 15, 2020, 05:23:00 PM
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 15, 2020, 05:32:07 PM
The blonde called up the tech support hotline for her new computer. "What's the issue?" the tech asked her.  "My computer isn't working," she complained. "I turn on Windows but I don't see anything outside!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 15, 2020, 07:51:26 PM
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed

Now that earns a merit! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:


I was so sad and crying when I lost my Playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 16, 2020, 08:00:16 AM
if he was addicted to masturbation .. and then became addicted to sex .. would it be safe to say that his addiction got out of hand?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 16, 2020, 04:47:40 PM
The Pimp fired his top prostitute when she fell pregnant, he couldn’t deal with her whore moans.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 16, 2020, 05:51:38 PM
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 17, 2020, 01:03:14 AM
I have an addiction. I'm hooked on drinking brake fluid. But it's not too bad, I mean I can stop real easy!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 06:57:23 AM
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 10:33:46 AM
why are men like coffee? the best ones are rich .. hot .. and can keep me up all night
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 17, 2020, 10:58:41 AM
They called my sister Butter, her legs were easy to spread.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 11:04:06 AM
what's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? the letter F
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 04:47:48 PM
what's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? the letter F

Another merit for that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 04:49:01 PM
a waist is a terrible thing to mind
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 04:50:28 PM
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 04:53:44 PM
i once dated a mime .. i hope i left him with a good impression
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 04:56:15 PM
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 05:02:49 PM
i called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea .. my boss told me to get my shit together
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 05:04:44 PM
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 05:05:27 PM
the seminar "how to avoid fraud" is canceled .. tickets are non-refundable
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 05:06:39 PM
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 05:07:25 PM
we shouldn't make fun of fat people because they already have enough on their plate
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 05:10:37 PM
My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 17, 2020, 05:40:33 PM
my husband has left me because of my obsession with pasta .. i'm feeling cannelloni right now
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2020, 05:48:01 PM
Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 17, 2020, 10:55:25 PM
Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart?  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 18, 2020, 07:12:22 AM
Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart?  :emot_rotf.gif:

merit awarded! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 18, 2020, 09:44:32 AM
Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart?  :emot_rotf.gif:

merit awarded! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
and another merit from me  :emot_booty.gif:

i've never been very good at geography .. but i can name at least one city in france .. which is nice
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 18, 2020, 11:30:49 AM
I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 18, 2020, 12:11:14 PM
I told my friend I wasn't going to drink with him anymore. He gets me in too much trouble. I said, "Go away Ryan Pepsi!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 18, 2020, 12:12:24 PM
english is weird .. it can be understood through tough thorough thought though
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 18, 2020, 05:27:00 PM
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 19, 2020, 09:10:46 AM
i was going to give him a nasty look .. but he already had one
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 19, 2020, 10:32:03 AM
If a blind girl says "you have a really big dick!", she might be pulling your leg! ;)
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 19, 2020, 11:34:58 AM
If a blind girl says "you have a really big dick!", she might be pulling your leg! ;)

 :emot_laughing.gif: brilliant .. and worth a merit  :emot_rotf.gif:

i just got a job as senior executive officer at old mcdonald's farm. i'm the c-i-ei-o
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 19, 2020, 01:10:19 PM
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 19, 2020, 02:56:43 PM
i always wanted to marry an archeologist. the older i would get .. the more interested he would become
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 19, 2020, 06:19:37 PM
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 20, 2020, 07:12:23 AM
give a man a gun and he will rob a bank .. give a man a bank and he will rob everyone
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 20, 2020, 11:02:18 AM
My girlfriend likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 20, 2020, 12:07:21 PM
a garage sale is actually a garbage sale but the "b" is silent
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 20, 2020, 05:02:40 PM
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 20, 2020, 08:18:32 PM
The doctor told me I was overweight. "Obesity runs in my family," I said.  "No," he replied, "the problem is NO one runs in your family!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 21, 2020, 07:23:23 AM
If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 21, 2020, 07:42:00 AM
doctor: "ma’am .. i'm afraid your dna is backwards." me: "and?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 21, 2020, 08:25:52 AM
doctor: "ma’am .. i'm afraid your dna is backwards." me: "and?"

merit  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 21, 2020, 09:18:55 AM
I was told I really suck at blowjobs
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 21, 2020, 09:46:03 AM
i own a pencil that used to be owned by william shakespeare .. but he chewed it a lot. now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 21, 2020, 01:46:18 PM
I was told I really suck at blowjobs

Must call you out on that- that seems like a panel of judges is needed to determine that! Of course I for one will be the head judge to determine if that is true!


I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 22, 2020, 06:02:12 AM
I was told I really suck at blowjobs

Must call you out on that- that seems like a panel of judges is needed to determine that! Of course I for one will be the head judge to determine if that is true!


I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.



If I didn’t merit you today for a chapter I’d merit you for that, it made me chuckle lol

My BF said he’d spread his seed over my breasts. I was impressed he knew anything about Whore-Tit-Culture
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 22, 2020, 06:31:37 AM
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 22, 2020, 08:54:31 AM
my ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. if only i had known about his history of violins
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 22, 2020, 01:56:35 PM
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 22, 2020, 02:25:13 PM
i have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed .. never whelmed properly
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 22, 2020, 05:11:40 PM
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 23, 2020, 07:42:10 AM
chinese takeaway - $ 27.50 .. gas to get there - $ 3.25 .. getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers .. riceless
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 23, 2020, 12:38:12 PM
I got Chinese take-out one day and the bag was really heavy. No wonder, I had ordered wonton soup!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 23, 2020, 01:52:17 PM
my midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony .. he kept getting his nose in everyone's hair
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 23, 2020, 07:28:58 PM
A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 23, 2020, 08:48:37 PM
The blonde was leaving on her date. Her mother asked her why she was carrying the cat. The blonde shrugged and said, "Well my boyfriend told me if he didn't get to see some pussy tonight we were through!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 24, 2020, 05:08:53 AM
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 24, 2020, 06:32:49 AM
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.

 :emot_laughing.gif: .. now that is worth a merit

did you hear about the man who wore two jackets when she painted the house? the instructions on the can said: "put on two coats"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2020, 09:15:35 AM
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.

remind me never have breakfast at your place! :emot_rotf.gif:

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 24, 2020, 09:18:53 AM
After being caught in the rain I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2020, 10:50:32 AM
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 24, 2020, 10:55:12 AM
I should be arrested for being a mass murderer. At work over the years, I've killed a LOT of time!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2020, 11:06:41 AM
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 24, 2020, 11:54:28 AM
can february march? no .. but april may
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2020, 12:43:15 PM
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 24, 2020, 02:22:27 PM
i used to be addicted to soap .. but I'm clean now
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2020, 03:40:30 PM
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 25, 2020, 09:15:16 AM
my boss told me to have a good day .. so i went home
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 25, 2020, 10:00:48 AM
I'm putting all my John Lennon memorabilia up for sale just Imagine all of the paypals
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 25, 2020, 12:17:25 PM
why don’t i argue with you? i don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 25, 2020, 06:33:39 PM
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 26, 2020, 10:58:06 AM
what do you call people who are afraid of santa claus? claustrophobic
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 26, 2020, 11:42:39 AM
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." the doctor replies "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 26, 2020, 02:25:55 PM
got my boyfriend a "get better soon" card .. he's not sick .. i just think he could be better
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 26, 2020, 04:09:39 PM
"Waitress, there's a hair in my soup," the man complained.  "That's not possible," the blonde waitress replied. "We don't even serve rabbit soup here."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 26, 2020, 06:46:56 PM
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 27, 2020, 06:39:27 AM
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Lol merit!!!

I told my boyfriend I was now a social influ-encer , so he sprayed me with sanitizer and is now in self isolation.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 27, 2020, 07:17:08 AM
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 27, 2020, 08:53:49 AM
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 27, 2020, 09:10:30 AM
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life

 :emot_rotf.gif: Merit

Came back from the amusement park in tears, it was an emotional rollercoaster.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 27, 2020, 11:06:45 AM
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit from me also!

I'd call someone pregnant "totally fucked".
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 27, 2020, 12:22:50 PM
i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 27, 2020, 06:00:22 PM
My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on the sand.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 27, 2020, 08:49:01 PM
"Have you drank much today, sir?" the police officer asked me.  "Hmmmm, let me think," I slurred. "Today I've drank beer, vodka, whiskey and tequila, but nope! Haven't drank any much!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 05:52:34 AM
The boss wanted us to stay at work, so he installed an electric fence, we were all shocked when we tried to leave!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 28, 2020, 06:57:31 AM
I saw a transvestite in high heels and the tightest shortest skirt ever.
I thought “showed a lot of balls to wear that”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 07:11:51 AM
I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass. I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 28, 2020, 07:28:07 AM
Oops my tights/pantyhose laddered they are on their last legs now
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 28, 2020, 08:01:53 AM
fat penguin! sorry .. i just wanted to say something that breaks the ice
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 28, 2020, 08:09:37 AM
Good Fashion is in my jeans
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 28, 2020, 08:23:43 AM
i got a part in a movie called "cocaine" .. i only have one line though
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 28, 2020, 10:51:46 AM
I met this man, he’s a janitor, really swept me off my feet.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 11:06:53 AM
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 28, 2020, 11:07:38 AM
my new lover works at the zoo. i think he is a keeper
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 11:48:26 AM
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 28, 2020, 12:45:07 PM
I've been cast in a new movie called Adventures at the Sandwich Shop. I play the hero!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 02:14:04 PM
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 28, 2020, 03:56:36 PM
doctor's are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2020, 04:57:44 PM
I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 28, 2020, 10:39:30 PM
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive.  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 29, 2020, 07:18:51 AM
my first job was working in an orange juice factory .. but i got canned: couldn't concentrate
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 29, 2020, 09:17:19 AM
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive.  :emot_rotf.gif:

Merit  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 29, 2020, 09:17:47 AM
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive.  :emot_rotf.gif:

A standing laughing applause and merit!

See that French clothing saleswoman, she was going Dior to Dior.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 29, 2020, 09:25:11 AM
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 29, 2020, 03:45:42 PM
i met a man with a really big dick .. in fact his dick was so big .. it wasn’t a dick at all .. it was a richard
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 29, 2020, 05:20:25 PM
i met a man with a really big dick .. in fact his dick was so big .. it wasn’t a dick at all .. it was a richard

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 29, 2020, 08:42:16 PM
My grocery store has a new rule now. If you buy a head of cabbage you also to have buy carrots and mayonnaise. It's called Cole's Law!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2020, 06:30:05 AM
My grocery store has a new rule now. If you buy a head of cabbage you also to have buy carrots and mayonnaise. It's called Cole's Law!

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit!!

This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 30, 2020, 06:42:11 AM
I ended up in this fight with another woman over a well endowed man
Most people called it a catfight, I called it the Battle of The Bulge
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2020, 07:16:41 AM
I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 30, 2020, 08:36:55 AM
hmmmm .. so you like big dick jokes .. ok .. here's another one from mrs. maisel

what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks have in common? .. they're hard to find and incredibly lucky
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2020, 09:45:31 AM
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 30, 2020, 12:00:15 PM
his dick was so big .. even when he cheated on me .. his dick was the bigger dick
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2020, 01:38:49 PM
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on April 30, 2020, 04:48:05 PM
my math teacher called me average .. how mean!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2020, 05:24:46 PM
I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 01, 2020, 09:51:37 AM
confucius say .. man who runs behind car will get exhausted. but man who runs in front of car will get tired
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2020, 10:31:48 AM
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 01, 2020, 04:49:58 PM
to write with a broken pencil is pointless
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2020, 07:33:45 PM
I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 02, 2020, 07:50:00 AM
i ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup .. it was won ton
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 02, 2020, 08:28:52 AM
Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 02, 2020, 11:35:44 AM
why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? it was two tired
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 02, 2020, 12:54:15 PM
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 02, 2020, 02:14:06 PM
did you hear about these new reversible jackets? i'm excited to see how they turn out
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 02, 2020, 03:38:52 PM
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 03, 2020, 08:14:57 AM
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
:emot_rotf.gif:

what did one eye say to the other eye? .. between you and me something smells
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 03, 2020, 10:23:57 AM
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
:emot_rotf.gif:

what did one eye say to the other eye? .. between you and me something smells
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 03, 2020, 04:15:29 PM
did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? .. it took him forever to get out
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 03, 2020, 04:18:58 PM
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 03, 2020, 04:29:03 PM
for halloween we dressed up as almonds .. everyone thought we were nuts
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 03, 2020, 04:30:14 PM
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 03, 2020, 04:37:30 PM
why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? because he was always spotted
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 03, 2020, 04:44:56 PM
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2020, 08:00:59 AM
My friend keeps boasting about her BFs huge cumshots
Talk about rubbing it in!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2020, 08:34:32 AM
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 04, 2020, 09:15:30 AM
why do seagulls fly over the sea? because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2020, 01:01:03 PM
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 04, 2020, 01:06:01 PM
How did the Jewish guy make his coffee? Hebrewed it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 04, 2020, 01:55:53 PM
the eternal flame went out during the service 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2020, 03:40:51 PM
They say a lab in Wuhan started Coronavirus, surely that’s Chinese whispers
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 04, 2020, 04:09:03 PM
with great reflexes comes great response ability
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2020, 04:37:40 PM
 What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 05, 2020, 09:07:42 AM
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

when i lose the tv controller .. it's always hidden in some remote destination
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 05, 2020, 12:21:12 PM
I used to be in to S&M, bestiality and necrophilia…But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 05, 2020, 02:27:44 PM
i used to be a banker .. but then i lost interest
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 05, 2020, 04:41:29 PM
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 06, 2020, 07:12:23 AM
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
god that is awful .. sad .. true .. but awful  :emot_weird.gif:

what do you call a laughing motorcycle? a yamahahaha
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 06, 2020, 08:04:08 AM
was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock!"
"Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 06, 2020, 10:59:49 AM
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

Oh my gosh!!!!

My immigrant friend asked me to suggest a film to better her English so I suggested Aliens
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 06, 2020, 10:59:58 AM
i was born to be a pessimist .. my blood type is b negative
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 06, 2020, 11:05:20 AM
Hiding a bomb under a skirt seemed a good idea until it just blew up
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 06, 2020, 11:09:45 AM
while most puns make me feel numb .. mathematic puns make me feel number
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 06, 2020, 12:31:56 PM
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 06, 2020, 01:54:47 PM
Call me a polar explorer as I was kissing down my boyfriends chest until I found the South Pole
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 06, 2020, 02:05:53 PM
my fear of moving stairs escalates
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 06, 2020, 05:05:27 PM
What should you do if you come across an elephant? Apologize and wipe it off.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 07, 2020, 08:03:44 AM
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 07, 2020, 09:29:37 AM
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Tony V. on May 07, 2020, 09:51:39 AM
A copy of "The Devine Comedy" fell on My foot....

Now it hurts like HELL!!.........




Tony V.           :police:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 07, 2020, 11:05:06 AM
A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 07, 2020, 02:00:19 PM
son: "mom .. can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" .. mom: "no sun."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 07, 2020, 05:09:04 PM
Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 08, 2020, 03:49:02 AM
my doctor’s office has two doctors on call at all times .. is that considered a pair a docs
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2020, 06:45:21 AM
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 08, 2020, 07:46:12 AM
i am so poor i can't even pay attention
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2020, 09:06:29 AM
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances. The police suspect fowl play.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 08, 2020, 11:07:19 AM
what do sea monsters eat for lunch? fish and ships
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2020, 12:07:06 PM
Enough of the gay jokes… cum on guys.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 08, 2020, 02:35:30 PM
what do you call watson when sherlock isn't around? holmeless
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2020, 04:52:24 PM
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 08, 2020, 10:28:28 PM
I ran into a tree with my car. As I sat in my wrecked car a policeman walked up and asked if I was okay, "Yes but I don't look too good." 

He said,"You look all right to me, I see no blood anywhere. I do smell alcohol though. I'm going to ask you to get out of the car."

"Okay, sir, as soon as I get my cane out of the backseat."

"Your cane?"

"Yes, I'm blind!"

"You're blind?" 

"Hey, I said I don't look too good!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 09, 2020, 07:31:26 AM
no matter how much you push the envelope .. it'll still be stationery
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 09, 2020, 10:52:45 AM
I ran into a tree with my car. As I sat in my wrecked car a policeman walked up and asked if I was okay, "Yes but I don't look too good." 

He said,"You look all right to me, I see no blood anywhere. I do smell alcohol though. I'm going to ask you to get out of the car."

"Okay, sir, as soon as I get my cane out of the backseat."

"Your cane?"

"Yes, I'm blind!"

"You're blind?" 

"Hey, I said I don't look too good!" 

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

I came out only to be told I was marvelous, a good person and a joy to live you, I loved getting a shower of praise after coming out of the bathroom!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 09, 2020, 12:06:13 PM
fishermen are reel men
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 09, 2020, 01:11:09 PM
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like? A: Depends
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 09, 2020, 03:03:28 PM
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like? A: Depends
  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_laughing.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: .. merit!!!!

i had a neck brace fitted years ago and i've never looked back since
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 09:10:34 AM
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 09:16:35 AM
i'm trying to date a philosophy professor .. but he doesn't know if i exist or not
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 10:01:20 AM
Man walks up to 3 nuns and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun doesn’t even touch him.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 10:29:03 AM
Man walks up to 3 nuns and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun doesn’t even touch him.
  :emot_rotf.gif:

when is a door not a door? when it's ajar
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 10:44:53 AM
Q: What’s 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick? A: A motorcycle.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 11:56:32 AM
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. so they toss the 4th cigarette overboard .. which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 12:55:39 PM
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. so they toss the 4th cigarette overboard .. which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:-merit!

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 02:30:22 PM
i worked in the woods as a lumberjack .. but i just couldn't hack it .. so they gave me the ax
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 02:55:38 PM
 I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 02:58:15 PM
the doctor told her patient to stop using a q-tips .. but it went in one ear and out the other
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 03:02:44 PM
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 10, 2020, 03:04:55 PM
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
  :emot_rotf.gif: merit again

what do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? a father in law
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 10, 2020, 03:08:41 PM
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 10, 2020, 08:37:45 PM
I wanted to let people know my pet skunk had his stink glands removed so I hung a sign around his tail that said "Out of Odor" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 06:35:54 AM
I wanted to let people know my pet skunk had his stink glands removed so I hung a sign around his tail that said "Out of Odor" 

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

I told the girlfriend I was going trolling with friends, she took both my smart phone and tablet away from me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 11, 2020, 07:10:31 AM
someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick .. how low can you go?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 08:07:31 AM
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 11, 2020, 08:35:28 AM
a plateau is the highest form of flattery
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 09:00:58 AM
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 11, 2020, 09:47:52 AM
finally got around to watching back to the future .. it's about time
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 11:09:13 AM
finally got around to watching back to the future .. it's about time

Okay that was a bad one!

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 11, 2020, 11:15:35 AM
if there was someone selling drugs in this place .. weed know
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 12:18:59 PM
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 11, 2020, 01:00:50 PM
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

 :emot_rotf.gif:  A merit for that Graham!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 11, 2020, 01:03:55 PM
I made some dandelion wine. All I did was step on it!  What a baby!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 11, 2020, 02:33:07 PM
hackers brought down my online business but i managed to keep the website address .. and that's domain thing
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2020, 07:54:11 PM
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 12, 2020, 08:16:51 AM
what do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? a telepathetic
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 12, 2020, 12:53:11 PM
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 12, 2020, 02:30:39 PM
one bird can't make a pun .. but toucan
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 12, 2020, 03:50:30 PM
The professor kept me after class and told me I needed to be more attentive.

"Geez! This education thing is getting expensive," I said. "First I had to pay tuition, then I had to pay for textbooks, then I had to pay rent for a dorm room.....NOW you tell me I gotta pay attention too?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 12, 2020, 05:54:22 PM
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 13, 2020, 08:14:05 AM
a criminal’s best asset is his lie ability
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 13, 2020, 12:44:57 PM
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 13, 2020, 03:50:17 PM
weight loss pills stolen this morning .. police say suspects are still at large
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 13, 2020, 05:58:50 PM
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 14, 2020, 07:54:57 AM
today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool .. so i gave him a glass of water
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 14, 2020, 09:05:46 AM
A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum. The doctors described his condition as stable.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 14, 2020, 10:25:54 AM
two antennas met on a roof .. fell in love and got married. the ceremony wasn't much .. but the reception was excellent
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 14, 2020, 01:47:03 PM
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 14, 2020, 02:22:20 PM
if at first you don't succeed .. skydiving is not for you
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 14, 2020, 05:32:59 PM
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 15, 2020, 07:11:03 AM
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 15, 2020, 08:01:30 AM
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it

Lol merit!

I always wanted a man with a sixpack So I went to the off license and brought him home one
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 15, 2020, 08:36:26 AM
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it

Lol merit!

I always wanted a man with a sixpack So I went to the off license and brought him home one

Merit to both of you  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

I was sitting out on my balcony hoping to her the birds, man their song has changed during this pandemic instead of tweet, I hear "Why don't you get off that fucking Tweeter!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 15, 2020, 11:46:17 AM
i didn't marry the gardener .. too rough around the hedges
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 15, 2020, 12:25:29 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 15, 2020, 03:04:53 PM
The male nurse  got arrested seems as he got confused when they said take the temperature digitally
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 15, 2020, 05:50:21 PM
a boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 15, 2020, 07:19:54 PM
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 16, 2020, 09:33:50 AM
there's a new type of broom out .. it's sweeping the nation
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 16, 2020, 10:42:10 AM
I went on a blind date and ended up walking into a lamppost

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 16, 2020, 11:41:00 AM
I went on a blind date and ended up walking into a lamppost
 :emot_rotf.gif: .. merit as soon as i can again

germans prefer houses with basements .. in fact .. they're best cellars!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 16, 2020, 12:08:20 PM
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 16, 2020, 02:10:04 PM
How do funeral directors get their tips? They urn them.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 16, 2020, 02:14:58 PM
i put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend .. my neighbor is dead against it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 16, 2020, 06:23:01 PM
I broke up with my girlfriend because she only wanted one in her hand saying it was better than two in the bush!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: just me on May 17, 2020, 09:36:15 AM
for fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 17, 2020, 11:36:11 AM
If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos, I call that my tit for tat deal!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 18, 2020, 04:17:41 AM
Don’t ever ask a Scotsman why is he wearing a skirt! You’ll end up being kilt.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 18, 2020, 07:00:30 AM
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 18, 2020, 09:46:26 AM
Now for the  Jehovah Case, Witness take the stand!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Shocker on May 18, 2020, 09:50:17 AM
Atheists, are a non-prophet organization
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 18, 2020, 10:07:47 AM
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 18, 2020, 09:35:42 PM
I got a job at a one hour photo shop. Didn't take long for me to develop a negative attitude.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 19, 2020, 06:55:27 AM
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 19, 2020, 05:46:16 PM
Hear the joke about the one legged limbo dancer, I mean how low can you get?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 19, 2020, 05:53:40 PM
I had a bad day yesterday I broke the fingers on my left hand, now today I'm all right!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 21, 2020, 05:55:33 AM
I enjoy my job as a seamstress you could say I’ve life all sewn up
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 21, 2020, 06:54:09 AM
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 24, 2020, 09:10:14 PM
Koala bears are not real bears. They don't have the koalifications.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 25, 2020, 06:33:20 AM
Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 28, 2020, 04:56:38 AM
That umbrella salesman is one shady character
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 28, 2020, 06:39:27 AM
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 31, 2020, 02:28:03 AM
My ex boyfriend and a slinky have a lot in common. They're both great fun to watch falling down a flight of stairs!!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 31, 2020, 06:49:51 AM
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 02, 2020, 08:29:33 PM
In the bathroom, you bathe, in the bedroom, you go to bed, in the dining room, you dine, so why, in the living room, does everyone act like they're dead?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on June 03, 2020, 04:27:56 AM
I won a globe in a geography quiz when I was young. It meant the world to me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 03, 2020, 07:46:08 AM
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on June 06, 2020, 10:46:33 AM
Why did nine ants get to live in an apartment for free? Because they're not tenants.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 06, 2020, 01:27:59 PM
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 07, 2020, 10:50:42 PM
How do crazy people find their way through the forest?    They use the psycho path!     :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 08, 2020, 09:33:25 AM
How do crazy people find their way through the forest?    They use the psycho path!     :emot_rotf.gif:

merit worthy!

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 08, 2020, 11:06:50 PM
In the early 2000s there was a TV sitcom on ABC network called "Hope and Faith". It starred Kelly Ripa and Faith Ford. The show was on the air for about four seasons. After it was cancelled, the network was going to produce a spinoff, featuring just the character of Faith, played by Kelly Ripa, and there would be no Hope. They were going to call it "Faith is Hopeless"!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 09, 2020, 09:57:30 AM
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 10, 2020, 08:19:15 PM
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Now that is merit-worthy!!!!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 10, 2020, 08:20:35 PM
I had some good puns concerning kleptomaniacs but someone stole them all.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 11, 2020, 07:40:58 AM
I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy about it but left without making a scene.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 21, 2020, 09:18:10 PM
My sister's nickname was Butter. All the boys said her legs were easy to spread.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 22, 2020, 07:49:31 AM
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 22, 2020, 09:01:40 PM
Women are like stones. The flat ones get skipped!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 23, 2020, 06:12:17 AM
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 30, 2020, 04:04:52 PM
It was a hard marathon race and I came in last!  Ohhhh the pain of de feet!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 30, 2020, 06:48:05 PM
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 30, 2020, 11:42:07 PM
My grandfather served in the war and survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks. He came home a seasoned veteran! 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 01, 2020, 06:53:25 AM
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 03, 2020, 07:56:45 PM
Why did the baker go to the bank? He kneaded some dough!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 04, 2020, 05:51:28 AM
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 05, 2020, 09:38:54 PM
Police figured the break-in at the door factory would be an open-and-shut case.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 06, 2020, 08:13:33 AM
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 11, 2020, 09:26:26 PM
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 12, 2020, 01:29:52 PM
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 13, 2020, 09:12:15 PM
I got a job with the fire department washing dirty hose. My mother said, "Can't them women clean themselves?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 14, 2020, 06:06:41 AM
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 14, 2020, 08:31:03 PM
I still miss my ex-wife. I should get a rifle with a better scope.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 15, 2020, 06:47:51 AM
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 15, 2020, 08:36:18 PM
My son wants to work at a funeral home, but I'm trying to discourage him from it. It's a dying business.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 16, 2020, 06:03:23 AM
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 16, 2020, 08:02:16 PM
The lawyer couldn't get anyone to help him in the clothing store. He kept saying he was looking for a lawsuit.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 17, 2020, 05:50:43 AM
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 20, 2020, 09:05:50 PM
I was on an airplane when the pilot announced the plane was running out of fuel.  "OH my God!" the man sitting beside me screamed out. "How far can we fly with no fuel?"

"I'm figuring all the way to the crash site," I said.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 21, 2020, 06:45:34 AM
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 05, 2020, 08:29:38 PM
Apparently, the U.S. Treasury is thinking people are hoarding their spare change during the Covid-19 pandemic. They are seeing a shortage of common cents!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 06, 2020, 08:59:13 AM
Canada eliminated the penny, headlines around the world said "Canada loses their Common Cents!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 06, 2020, 10:51:11 PM
Scientists have discovered an alien race that they have nicknamed the Hemorrhoids as they have theorized they are based on Uranus.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 07, 2020, 11:27:44 AM
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 14, 2020, 08:15:49 PM
How did the police know the guy who committed suicide was Jewish?


He was shot in the temple.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 15, 2020, 07:00:43 AM
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 16, 2020, 03:15:51 AM
How did the chicken cross the road?   She rode in the Hen-di-van!   
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 16, 2020, 07:59:40 AM
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 16, 2020, 09:02:20 PM
Johnny Depp is doing a new Jack Sparrow movie in which he finds a large cache of fool's gold. It's to be called Pyrites of the Caribbean.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 17, 2020, 12:11:07 PM
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 22, 2020, 10:18:29 PM
I trained a wolf to meditate. Now he's an aware-wolf!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 23, 2020, 07:38:44 AM
I trained a wolf to meditate. Now he's an aware-wolf!

Now that worth a merit!

I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 25, 2020, 08:40:13 PM
I was disappointed in the picture I took of a wheatfield. It looked so grainy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 25, 2020, 08:49:30 PM
Police are investigating who took my toilet bowl but so far they have nothing to go on!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 03, 2020, 09:38:40 PM
The police arrested me for playing this game. I'm being sentenced to five years in a federal pun-itentiary!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 04, 2020, 07:23:47 AM
I was convicted of multi 'pun'-ishable offenses!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on September 04, 2020, 06:31:28 PM
The pizza man tried to chat me up, his pick up lines were so cheesy
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 04, 2020, 09:15:02 PM
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 05, 2020, 09:23:08 PM
There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France. Da brie littered the street! 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 06, 2020, 08:28:05 AM
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 08, 2020, 12:15:28 AM
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 08, 2020, 05:57:43 AM
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 08, 2020, 08:25:15 PM
The clown took his car to the repair shop. "What's wrong with it?" asked the mechanic. The clown replied, "It's making a funny sound."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on September 21, 2020, 09:08:01 AM
It started with the words  “I couldn’t feel half my face” I put it down I don’t read stroke stories.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 21, 2020, 04:25:08 PM
What does it do before it rains candy?     It sprinkles!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on September 21, 2020, 04:38:35 PM
What does it do before it rains candy?     It sprinkles!
Very good and merit for that!!!

He went to Scotland to chase skirt but ended up getting kilt.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 25, 2020, 08:55:12 AM
What does it do before it rains candy?     It sprinkles!
Very good and merit for that!!!

He went to Scotland to chase skirt but ended up getting kilt.


I think that one deserves a merit! LOL!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 25, 2020, 09:11:38 AM
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?

Annette!   :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 10, 2020, 05:44:38 PM
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?

Annette!   :emot_rotf.gif:

So bad that earns a merit

Billy Squire and Graham Carter can both boast that both have had a major hit with a "Stroke"!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 17, 2020, 07:02:15 PM
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?

Annette!   :emot_rotf.gif:

So bad that earns a merit

Billy Squire and Graham Carter can both boast that both have had a major hit with a "Stroke"!

THAT is worth a merit!  Good one Graham!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 17, 2020, 07:06:10 PM
The reverend retired from preaching but he wanted to start his own business. So he opened a shoe repair shop. The sign outside read, "Come on in! I save soles!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 17, 2020, 08:04:37 PM
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 18, 2020, 05:00:10 PM
What did one battery say to the other battery?   

"Here comes that set of booster cables again. Watch him, he's always getting something started!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 18, 2020, 06:11:34 PM
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 20, 2020, 06:11:34 PM
Is this Portaloo for sale?
No it’s toilet
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 20, 2020, 06:29:07 PM
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 21, 2020, 08:04:49 AM
When I was 20 I got a police record. Walking On The Moon
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 21, 2020, 01:27:53 PM
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 24, 2020, 12:37:26 AM
I farted in Burger King. It was a whopper!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 24, 2020, 01:20:41 PM
I farted in Burger King. It was a whopper!

merit as long as you don't claim the fries look like maggots!

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 24, 2020, 11:20:02 PM
The other day I squirted ketchup in my eyes. It was a stupid thing to do in Heinzsight.   
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 25, 2020, 11:28:22 AM
hell i spend a few days trying to write a Halloween Story for the story Contest but the content scared the  living hell out of me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 25, 2020, 11:52:04 AM
The other day I squirted ketchup in my eyes. It was a stupid thing to do in Heinzsight.   

Merit for the love of god  :emot_rotf.gif:

Yesterday I picked up some Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Is there anything that Richard Branson doesn’t sell
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 25, 2020, 12:04:57 PM
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 27, 2020, 10:42:24 PM
What happened when the toilet paper tried to cross the street? It got stuck in a crack!  :emot_laughing.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 28, 2020, 04:45:25 PM
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards!
!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 28, 2020, 06:07:13 PM
he didn’t want to use his boat for smuggling but gave into pier pressure
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 28, 2020, 06:56:29 PM
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 28, 2020, 07:38:16 PM
What do you call an uplifting bee? HIVE positive.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 28, 2020, 09:58:23 PM
What was the witch's favorite school subject?     SPELL-ing
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 29, 2020, 06:37:58 AM
That Hoe was caught with the gardener again
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 29, 2020, 11:42:44 AM
I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 30, 2020, 06:57:46 AM
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prince.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 30, 2020, 05:26:14 PM
I have been asked to stop writing in the snow, the so called 'ink' is considered bad handwriting!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on October 30, 2020, 06:03:27 PM
why does it get hot in a stadium after a sports event?     All the fans leave!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 30, 2020, 06:42:28 PM
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on October 31, 2020, 08:21:38 AM
How many crocodiles does it take to change a light bulb? Just the one, he does it very snappy!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 31, 2020, 11:33:23 AM
The irony, I have to concentrate to write something that is fake!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on October 31, 2020, 06:13:31 PM
He good my order wrong I wanted medium rare, that was a total mistake
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on October 31, 2020, 06:23:22 PM
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 03, 2020, 10:09:37 PM
I broke ten clocks today working at the clock factory. My boss told me I was a real waste of time.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 04, 2020, 04:01:13 PM
Last week my Doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 05, 2020, 02:30:59 AM
I didn’t get the job a an air hostess even though I’m told I’m quite plain
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 05, 2020, 11:33:59 AM
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 06, 2020, 10:05:37 PM
I told the stationery store I was writing dirty stories, they sold me a pig pen!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 07, 2020, 10:11:21 AM
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 09, 2020, 02:13:11 AM
What’s Miss Piggy’s favorite position? Froggy Style
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 09, 2020, 11:47:17 AM
Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 10, 2020, 02:32:26 AM
What makes you stand out as a writer I was asked. Well I’m wearing a pencil skirt aren’t I
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 10, 2020, 10:45:44 AM
What makes you stand out as a writer I was asked. Well I’m wearing a pencil skirt aren’t I

*Now there an image I for one would love to see!*

Why can't Trump go to White house anymore? It's FOR BIDEN.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 10, 2020, 10:32:04 PM
My dog tried to become a computer programmer, but his barks were worse than his bytes.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 11, 2020, 07:11:43 AM
I got the job in the fire brigade, I said I knew a lot about hosiery
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 11, 2020, 11:56:46 AM
I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 12, 2020, 06:02:55 AM
Jack and Jill the King and Queen of Roleplay
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 12, 2020, 05:20:05 PM
I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 13, 2020, 03:33:07 AM
I got a new high speed sewing machine, it’s called Taylor Swift
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 13, 2020, 10:25:47 AM
I got a new high speed sewing machine, it’s called Taylor Swift

That is so bad even the system won't let me merit that!

I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup... Imagine that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 14, 2020, 09:07:54 PM
I bought a racehorse that was blind. It was my own fault. The guy told me the horse didn't look too good.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 15, 2020, 01:12:46 PM
There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 17, 2020, 07:57:32 PM
"Does alcoholism run in your family?" the doctor asked me. "Nah," I replied. "They just stagger around and break shit."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 18, 2020, 05:46:47 AM
The doctor said I’ve a problem with alcohol, I said I don’t have a problem I like it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 18, 2020, 12:27:21 PM
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 19, 2020, 02:23:12 PM
Why do Sikh businesses always do well. They always have their overheads covered.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 19, 2020, 03:22:03 PM
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 19, 2020, 05:21:20 PM
Police knew they were  dealing cannabis, the evidence was in their joint bank account
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 19, 2020, 06:17:42 PM
Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 20, 2020, 04:11:12 AM
I told my husband we need some Polish  stripper for the floor  so he brought one back called Kasia
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 20, 2020, 12:08:10 PM
Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 20, 2020, 01:02:11 PM
The chef really showed passion for his food, you could say he was pansexual
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 20, 2020, 02:42:41 PM
Finland has just closed it borders... so now nobody can cross the Finnish line.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 22, 2020, 08:01:30 PM
The sign said "Falling Rocks", I tried it, and really it doesn't!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 23, 2020, 10:14:42 AM
Aren't Whiteboards remarkable?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 23, 2020, 08:15:01 PM
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?

Let’s grow mold together.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 23, 2020, 08:21:24 PM
Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 23, 2020, 08:36:22 PM
I had a buddy I nicknamed Microsoft.  He liked to crash unexpectedly at my house.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 24, 2020, 10:10:22 AM
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on November 24, 2020, 04:33:46 PM
I went for an eye test at the opticians ten years ago. I had to look into a large machine and tell the optician what I could see. "I can see closed pubs, face masks and lots of time indoors." I told him.
"Well you dont need glasses," he said. "You've got 2020 vision!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 24, 2020, 05:23:06 PM
That was extremely bad- merit awarded!

I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 25, 2020, 08:07:51 AM
A hole in the wall was found in the changing room, the police are looking into it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 25, 2020, 12:46:23 PM
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 25, 2020, 06:48:05 PM
The comedian was a master of dark humor, which was understandable. The power went out at the comedy club.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on November 26, 2020, 05:37:06 AM
I hate it when comedians tell Rape jokes, they seem so forced to me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 26, 2020, 10:56:36 AM
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you rejected it any away- last time I donate an organ to you!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 26, 2020, 03:00:18 PM
The old man was excited when he thought he'd signed up to join the Prostitute Club. When he looked closer at the membership card, he saw that it actually said "Parachute" Club. "Dang," he said. "And I signed up for three jumps a week!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 26, 2020, 03:52:35 PM
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 26, 2020, 10:34:45 PM
The driving instructor wouldn't give my blind uncle a driver's license. My uncle was mad and said he couldn't see what the problem was.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 27, 2020, 10:09:48 AM
I was asked if i planned to write any more stories, I said I would but I'm having a hard time getting the ink to stay on the screen!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 29, 2020, 12:22:29 PM
Someone stole all the windows out of my house. Police are looking into it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 29, 2020, 01:16:56 PM
i was told to 'Deck The Halls' now I'm in court facing assault charges!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on November 29, 2020, 11:27:55 PM
I used to work in a kitchen at a big restaurant. I got fired after having a fight with the sous chef. The police were called and I was arrested after I threw a bottle of seasoning at a cop. I was charged with a-salting a police officer. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on November 30, 2020, 12:45:35 PM
Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 03, 2020, 11:53:52 PM
My old girlfriend was like a light bulb.  She was easy to turn on.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 04, 2020, 10:43:40 AM
I was already so pissed at her over that toy's nudity and for her  holding it, "Tell me don't you think that a little bear?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 04, 2020, 08:52:04 PM
What did baby corn say to mama corn?   Where's popcorn?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 05, 2020, 11:13:25 AM
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 06, 2020, 07:57:18 PM
I lived next door to an old German guy who was very crabby all the time. He was definitely a sour Kraut.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 07, 2020, 01:01:34 PM
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 09, 2020, 05:08:19 AM
My friend found a cocaine stash worth £100,000, she rubbed my nose in it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 09, 2020, 09:35:14 AM
Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 09, 2020, 03:01:25 PM
I don’t like Santa, gave him a hug and all he called me was a “Ho” three times
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 09, 2020, 03:31:22 PM
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 10, 2020, 08:42:10 AM
The problem with sewing is the amount of time you have to sit still. I get pins and needles all the time.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 10, 2020, 10:15:11 AM
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 10, 2020, 11:20:18 PM
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
MERIT!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 10, 2020, 11:32:51 PM
A cop asked me if I'd seen anything unusual lately.  "Well once I saw a dolphin wearing a hat," I said.   "No," the cop said, "I mean around here."  "Nahhh," I replied. "They live in the ocean."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 11, 2020, 06:51:05 AM
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 12, 2020, 12:06:14 AM
I just got through having a bout of diarrhea. It kept me up all night. It was really shitty.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 12, 2020, 10:32:23 AM
There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator, only a fraction of people will know that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 13, 2020, 08:21:20 AM
What do you call a really cute entrance? A-Door-Able!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 13, 2020, 09:43:58 AM
I wanted to get a jolt out of life. So I stuck my finger in a light socket.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 13, 2020, 10:41:21 AM
What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 13, 2020, 12:42:57 PM
I have a lot to learn about WW2. The Battle of the Bulge was NOT about Hitler going on a diet.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 13, 2020, 01:47:08 PM
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 14, 2020, 06:55:31 PM
I can only get $20 bills out of an ATM, no coins! It just doesn't make cents.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 14, 2020, 08:36:29 PM
I had to quit going to the gym so I handed in my too week notice!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 15, 2020, 03:47:04 AM
I hear you are a dressmaker now! “Sew what? “I answered
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 15, 2020, 10:39:04 AM
My boss bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It isn't her main gift just a stocking stuffer!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Petite99S on December 16, 2020, 02:51:50 PM
I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:

McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse...  It was a Big McSteak.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 16, 2020, 02:59:39 PM
I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:

McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse...  It was a Big McSteak.

Glad they made you smile because you made me groan about that one! merit awarded!


Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 17, 2020, 03:32:24 AM
I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:

McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse...  It was a Big McSteak.

Glad they made you smile because you made me groan about that one! merit awarded!


Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

Merit to both they were excellent! X
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 17, 2020, 03:33:29 AM
My husband got fired as a bin man, he was rubbish at it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 17, 2020, 06:14:02 AM
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 17, 2020, 04:32:51 PM
I was at a job interview and they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said "No, but I'm pretty good at singing Bohemian Rhapsody though!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 17, 2020, 04:47:27 PM
I was at a job interview and they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said "No, but I'm pretty good at singing Bohemian Rhapsody though!"

Very punny merit chick x

Heard about olive farmers being forced to grow Rapeseed for oil instead
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 17, 2020, 04:52:27 PM
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 17, 2020, 08:35:12 PM
The brewer threw a tantrum and sprayed beer all over the other workers at the brewery. It was bound to happen. He was keeping it all bottled up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 18, 2020, 06:15:10 AM
My boyfriend took some drop in his life when he became a paratrooper
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 18, 2020, 12:39:32 PM
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 18, 2020, 03:17:10 PM
Read this really cheesy love story, Fifty Shades of Gruyere
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 18, 2020, 05:35:05 PM
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 18, 2020, 05:38:34 PM
He said he was a real hard man, after what I felt in his pants I beg to differ
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 18, 2020, 06:10:17 PM
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 18, 2020, 06:13:51 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic detective? He was defective
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 18, 2020, 06:45:21 PM
I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 19, 2020, 10:20:08 PM
I opened a store selling seeds and gardening supplies. It's a growing business.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 20, 2020, 09:30:36 AM
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 20, 2020, 11:49:49 PM
Okay so I had a cocaine addiction. You don't need to rub my nose in it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 21, 2020, 11:50:47 AM
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 21, 2020, 10:13:43 PM
I had a girlfriend named Lorraine, and I started dating another girl named Claire Lee. Lorraine found out and she left me. I'm happy because I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 22, 2020, 11:22:19 AM
I had a girlfriend named Lorraine, and I started dating another girl named Claire Lee. Lorraine found out and she left me. I'm happy because I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.

So bad that it's merit worthy

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 22, 2020, 09:50:48 PM
I studied to be a proctologist but dropped out.  It was hard working with assholes everyday.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 23, 2020, 10:20:29 AM
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 24, 2020, 04:20:17 PM
I was in my boyfriends car yesterday and he was reversing out of the drive. I thought to myself "This takes me back!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 24, 2020, 04:57:29 PM
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 25, 2020, 10:27:17 PM
What do young elfs learn in school?   The elf-abet!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 26, 2020, 11:21:37 AM
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 27, 2020, 05:35:45 AM
Whats the difference between a Christmas bauble and Jeffery Epstein? A Christmas bauble doesnt hang itself!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 27, 2020, 11:12:57 AM
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 27, 2020, 12:08:27 PM
I bought a fishing boat. I began having financial troubles. I couldn't find any fish and therefore had no net income.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 27, 2020, 12:28:38 PM
Ladies, some advice, if he doesn't appreciate fruit puns... You need to let that mango.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 27, 2020, 12:51:49 PM
I was up a ladder picking apples and I dropped my cellphone. My father down on the ground caught it. I was happy to see the Apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 27, 2020, 01:05:56 PM
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 28, 2020, 11:58:46 AM
A quick question for all my telepathic friends out there...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 28, 2020, 01:02:15 PM
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 29, 2020, 04:45:55 AM
Ever had sex with a sailor? I’ve knots in my stomach afterwards
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 29, 2020, 09:40:11 AM
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on December 29, 2020, 07:19:35 PM
So I finished my first skirt in sewing class, the instructor said I needed to touch it up in places
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 29, 2020, 07:43:27 PM
The doctor told me I needed to go on a weight reduction program. I said, "It's about time! I sat in your waiting room today for damn near two hours!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 29, 2020, 08:48:55 PM
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on December 30, 2020, 12:35:17 PM
I hear that Yoko Ono is starting a new insects based diet. Must be pretty good as she has been living off a dead Beatle for the past forty years!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 30, 2020, 03:21:45 PM
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 30, 2020, 09:38:48 PM
I hear that Yoko Ono is starting a new insects based diet. Must be pretty good as she has been living off a dead Beatle for the past forty years!

I'm giving a merit for that!  :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on December 30, 2020, 09:44:59 PM
Sir Paul McCartney was in a vehicle accident in downtown London when he backed into another car. He said to a policeman investigating, "I don't understand it. I parked here yesterday and no problem at all.  Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on December 31, 2020, 10:53:27 AM
Sir Paul McCartney was in a vehicle accident in downtown London when he backed into another car. He said to a policeman investigating, "I don't understand it. I parked here yesterday and no problem at all.  Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away."

Merit worthy!

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 01, 2021, 09:16:57 AM
Got a pretend horse for Christmas I could tell straight away he was a pony:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 01, 2021, 11:44:03 AM
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 02, 2021, 04:10:54 PM
My TV was kind of fuzzy yesterday. Guess my New Year's resolution wasn't so good.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 02, 2021, 06:51:29 PM
My boss said he like the gift I got him for Christmas. apparently he was steamed about me cleaning up
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 02, 2021, 11:03:21 PM
I called up my favorite restaurant and ordered an elastic band sandwich. I told them to make it snappy!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 03, 2021, 10:07:09 AM
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, "Wait, I can change."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 04, 2021, 12:00:04 PM
My golf game and my sex life are similar. It takes me too many strokes to get in the hole, and I often find myself out of bounds, but at least when I'm having sex, I don't lose my balls in the trees.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 04, 2021, 03:17:50 PM
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 05, 2021, 05:16:49 PM
I watched a documentary about sea turtles. The narrator said it took them a long time to get across the beach and into the water. "Sea turtles are very slow."  I thought that was rather rude making such a comment about their intelligence.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 05, 2021, 05:30:05 PM
As I walk through the valley of death I realize that you can't always trust Google maps!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 05, 2021, 05:33:46 PM
I was waiting for you at the mall today. The big map said YOU ARE HERE, but I couldn't find you!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 05, 2021, 05:39:31 PM
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 06, 2021, 08:58:59 AM
Chickpeas have no sense of hummus
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 06, 2021, 10:46:25 AM
Pepto's new Restaurant failed it was called "Bismol"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 06, 2021, 08:44:42 PM
I caught my kid chewing on a power cord today. I grounded him and told him he couldn't see his friends until he learned to conduct himself properly.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 07, 2021, 11:12:37 AM
I loved growing up with a dyslexic father, when I swore he would wash my mouth out with soup!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 08, 2021, 09:32:16 PM
A Chinese guy opened a restaurant on a boat in Hong Kong Harbour. Everybody called him Jesus because he was wokkin' on water!   
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 09, 2021, 11:01:46 AM
I was out walking when a guy ahead of me dropped a twenty dollar bill. I picked it up and asked "What would Jesus Do? then it ame to me so I turned the money into bottles of wine!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 10, 2021, 09:55:51 PM
I ate a rotten banana. It was very un-a-peeling.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 11, 2021, 10:19:11 AM
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on January 12, 2021, 11:14:59 AM
I was walking through the zoo and passing the sea mammals enclosure heard a round of applause. Guess I got the Seal of approval!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 12, 2021, 01:10:58 PM
I was walking through the zoo and passing the sea mammals enclosure heard a round of applause. Guess I got the Seal of approval!

You know that you deserve to be shot for that one right?

What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 13, 2021, 12:59:24 PM
That Siberian Murder was always going to end up a cold case
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 13, 2021, 01:06:17 PM
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 13, 2021, 01:48:39 PM
I saw a woman making out with a tree guess they met on Timber
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 13, 2021, 03:07:51 PM
The farmer's son told his dad he was going to New York to work in the stock market.

"Okay," said the farmer, "but ya know, ya ain't gotta go all the way to New York City to sell cows!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 13, 2021, 03:44:39 PM
My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 14, 2021, 04:35:17 AM
Amy Schumer said she’s kissed a few frogs in her time. I hope Kermit doesn’t find out.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 14, 2021, 11:04:12 AM
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 15, 2021, 02:35:32 AM
I wanted to make a film about my vagina, but the title Lost In Space was already taken
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 15, 2021, 09:46:26 AM
I showed up at the Olympics with a roll of barbed wire and a truckload of wooden posts. I was asked what event I was hoping to participate in.  "Fencing," I replied.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 15, 2021, 10:29:39 AM
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on January 15, 2021, 04:03:04 PM
What do you call an erupting joke? A lol-cano!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 15, 2021, 04:25:55 PM
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 15, 2021, 05:32:28 PM
What did the momma strawberry say to the strawberry kids?   "Daddy will be late for supper. He's stuck in a jam." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 15, 2021, 06:23:47 PM
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 16, 2021, 11:14:10 AM
Two guys walking through a park saw a tree covered in bacon. They ran up to the tree, but a gang of bullies jumped out from behind it and beat them up. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush! 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 16, 2021, 11:30:43 AM
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 17, 2021, 08:29:55 PM
Mama Knife said to Papa Knife, "I'm not sure how well Junior Knife will do in school. He's not very sharp." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 18, 2021, 11:35:36 AM
I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 18, 2021, 05:28:58 PM
The farmer's body was found in the chicken coop. The sheriff suspected fowl play.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 18, 2021, 05:32:16 PM
I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 18, 2021, 05:42:22 PM
I got a new job at a light bulb factory. I have a bright future ahead of me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 18, 2021, 05:46:56 PM
What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 18, 2021, 06:01:48 PM
Cannibals captured two Olympic runners who washed up on a jungle island after a shipwreck.  "Right on!" one cannibal said to another. "Tonight we get fast food."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 18, 2021, 07:17:44 PM
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 19, 2021, 06:26:23 AM
Sister Rose finally kicked the Habit! No nun intended
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 19, 2021, 12:54:15 PM
A pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 20, 2021, 09:20:26 PM
A pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.

 :emot_rotf.gif: that's a merit! 

You go to a beauty parlour to get your hair cut, you go to a beer parlour to get half-cut!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 21, 2021, 10:00:33 AM
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 21, 2021, 03:51:57 PM
The Proctologist's Creed:  It's a shitty job but someone's gotta do it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 21, 2021, 04:01:28 PM
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 22, 2021, 12:39:45 PM
The bridge was out and I couldn't tell anybody on the other side. It was hard to get the message across.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 22, 2021, 02:14:46 PM
I sleep in castle every two weeks. It's my fort night.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 22, 2021, 04:38:25 PM
I was in an accident and hurt my back really badly. The doctor told me to go home, take two aspirin and get a good sleep, and call him in the morning. I wanted him to put me in the hospital, but I didn't have the spine for it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 22, 2021, 06:38:08 PM
I finally overcame my addiction to ice cream, marshmallow, chocolate and nuts, It was a Rocky Road but I survived it!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 24, 2021, 07:04:14 AM
The past, present and future met in a bar, it was tense
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Sam69 on January 24, 2021, 08:37:40 AM
Moved into a third floor walk-up the other day. It's a nice place, but I can tell it's going to be an uphill climb.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 24, 2021, 10:42:38 AM
I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Sam69 on January 24, 2021, 10:38:43 PM
I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right.

Groan...

I love it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 25, 2021, 08:01:35 PM
Had to stop listening to my Black Sabbath records. I have nothing wrong with fairies wearing boots, but all that sweetleaf made me paranoid.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 26, 2021, 09:28:53 AM
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on January 27, 2021, 03:56:00 PM
I was in a garden centre this morning and thought I saw Michael J. Fox. However I could be mistaken, he had his back to the fuchsia's.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 27, 2021, 04:06:59 PM
If A is for Apple and B is for banana what is C for? Plastic explosives.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 27, 2021, 08:03:34 PM
If U are tired why don't you lie down after T ? 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on January 28, 2021, 06:09:27 AM
We need someone to clean Windows said Bill Gates, I got the Job with my Masters in IT, I was handed a bucket and and a ladder
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 28, 2021, 11:11:11 AM
My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 28, 2021, 09:56:58 PM
A pickle was bragging to the other food in the fridge. "Yeah, around here I'm kind of a big dill."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 29, 2021, 10:28:24 AM
I've been trying to master the "Hokey Pokey", I could go in and out but lately I've managed to turn myself around!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 29, 2021, 10:04:12 PM
A numerator and a denominator walk into a bar.....ahhh forget it! Only a fraction of people would find this funny.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 30, 2021, 11:11:29 AM
Doc says to the patient, "You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on January 30, 2021, 07:33:23 PM
I wish I could get paid to sleep, talk about a dream job.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 30, 2021, 07:58:52 PM
Merit worthy

I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on January 30, 2021, 08:49:11 PM
I got a job on a sailing ship as a navigator. But the captain threw me in the brig. He thought I was plotting a mutiny.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on January 31, 2021, 10:31:27 AM
Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 01, 2021, 12:04:40 AM
I went to the Yukon and started an underground gold mine. I didn't find a thing! All I got was the shaft.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 01, 2021, 11:14:20 AM
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 01, 2021, 08:10:43 PM
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log.
:emot_rotf.gif:

Wicked chickens lay deviled eggs.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 02, 2021, 06:06:18 AM
So the Covid vaccine is working, I knew Big Pharma would have something up their sleeve
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 02, 2021, 11:12:58 AM
If zombies are attacking you, just invite them to a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of a party!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 02, 2021, 05:50:44 PM
Two divers are in the water when they see several large fish gathered around a table. "Would you like to join our poker game?" asked the fish. "No thank you," said one diver. "Let's get out of here," said the other diver. "These cardsharks can be dangerous!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 02, 2021, 06:30:09 PM
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 02, 2021, 10:24:02 PM
The mechanic gave me heck for letting my car's transmission run out of oil. He really gave me the gears.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 03, 2021, 10:44:13 AM
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 04, 2021, 08:26:55 AM
I got new concealer the other day but I can’t find it, guess it really works!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 04, 2021, 09:47:13 AM
My dad was a stalker. I want to follow him in his footsteps.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 04, 2021, 12:44:14 PM
Went on a date with a janitor, he sure loved the dirty talk.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 04, 2021, 01:23:24 PM
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 04, 2021, 01:30:52 PM
Going window shopping can be a real pane in the glass!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 04, 2021, 01:50:21 PM
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 04, 2021, 05:59:38 PM
My barber shop has this sign out front:   Hair today, Gone Tomorrow
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 05, 2021, 07:03:15 AM
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 05, 2021, 05:09:21 PM
I was at a pizza restaurant the other day and heard the couple on the next table order. The waiter asked if they wanted the pizza cut into six or eight slices and the man replied "Six slices, we'll never eat eight!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 05, 2021, 07:20:49 PM
I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 05, 2021, 10:21:58 PM
The doctor asked if I wanted a shot. I said, "Sure, if you're pouring!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 06, 2021, 11:35:20 AM
The doctor asked if I wanted a shot. I said, "Sure, if you're pouring!"

Now that earns a merit!

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 06, 2021, 07:59:21 PM
I've barely been in jail for five minutes and I've already been raped. This is the last time I play Monopoly with my perverted uncle! 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 07, 2021, 10:36:36 AM
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 07, 2021, 08:35:43 PM
Two cannibals are eating a millionaire. Afterwards one of them is holding his stomach. "I knew it," he says. "I can't handle rich food."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 08, 2021, 10:44:19 AM
Two cannibals are eating a millionaire. Afterwards one of them is holding his stomach. "I knew it," he says. "I can't handle rich food."

yet another merit!

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 08, 2021, 05:25:24 PM
My boyfriend said to me earlier today that he might not be a weatherman but I can expect between seven and nine inches tonight!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 08, 2021, 05:35:06 PM
I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 08, 2021, 08:26:09 PM
It used to cost nothing to get air in your tires at the gas station. Now they charge you $2! I guess that's inflation.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 09, 2021, 09:09:28 AM
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 09, 2021, 03:57:24 PM
She asked me what I didn’t like about lesbians so I gave her a straight answer
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 09, 2021, 04:17:37 PM
Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 09, 2021, 09:55:44 PM
I was camping with some friends , and we all got into a big argument over where everybody would sleep. it was in tents.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 10, 2021, 08:45:16 AM
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 10, 2021, 02:46:56 PM
I was visiting Norway and a woman took me home from a bar. As I was fucking her, she asked me if I was Russian. I said "No, I'm not."   "Well I suggest you do, because my husband will be home soon!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 10, 2021, 05:32:39 PM
I was visiting Norway and a woman took me home from a bar. As I was fucking her, she asked me if I was Russian. I said "No, I'm not."   "Well I suggest you do, because my husband will be home soon!"

Another merit worthy one!

If your parachute won't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 10, 2021, 08:51:43 PM
I went to work for a company that made rubber balls. But they weren't very good employers. My paycheques bounced more than the balls!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 11, 2021, 10:09:33 AM
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 11, 2021, 11:00:29 AM
Did you hear about the witch who could turn lights on and off with a blink of her eyes? She was a Lights Witch!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 11, 2021, 11:09:53 AM
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 11, 2021, 06:03:14 PM
My date said he’d dig for the most precious Diamond for me. I got up and left, I don’t date miners!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 11, 2021, 07:26:42 PM
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 11, 2021, 07:29:51 PM
I bought a book about the Sahara Desert. It was pretty dry reading.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 12, 2021, 06:04:14 AM
I was so wet waiting for you! Never say that to a bus driver when they are late to pick you up In Winter.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 12, 2021, 09:54:43 AM
I was so wet waiting for you! Never say that to a bus driver when they are late to pick you up In Winter.

That is so wrong on so many levels that a merit must be rewarded!

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 12, 2021, 09:01:17 PM
I had a choice between working on a dairy farm or a pig farm. I chose the pig farm. After a few weeks I wished i had taken the udder job.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 13, 2021, 10:22:29 AM
My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 14, 2021, 12:01:03 PM
Met my date on Tumblr so I stood him up
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 14, 2021, 02:00:26 PM
What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? "Stay calm, and do not lose your head."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 14, 2021, 08:41:04 PM
I saw a really pretty woman on the subway, and I thought, "Why don't I ask her out for a date?"  So I took a shot in the dark. Unfortunately I hit her and now I'm in jail.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 15, 2021, 10:23:10 AM
On St. Patrick's Day I pretend to be Irish just like I pretend to be good at Christmas!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 17, 2021, 06:56:36 PM
I told my ex-wife she should start calling me Bra, because I've been supporting her for years.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 17, 2021, 08:26:16 PM
I couldn't believe it I got fired from the Viagra factory, I was found hard at work!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 18, 2021, 12:06:43 AM
My girlfriend used to be a professional golfer. But she quit. Said she didn't like the swinging lifestyle.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 18, 2021, 11:41:38 AM
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 18, 2021, 07:46:50 PM
There was a Japanese inventor named Ota, who wanted to develop a compact car. He built a prototype and took it around to other Japanese automakers hoping to sell his idea. But they all looked at it and said, "Hmmm, kinda looks like a toy, Ota!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2021, 12:27:40 PM
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 19, 2021, 06:01:57 PM
My ex husband was a waiter he served me the divorce papers
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 19, 2021, 07:32:35 PM
I went into the bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I replied "Yeah, and little heads."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 19, 2021, 10:12:13 PM
I ordered a steak supper at the restaurant.  The waitress asked me, "Do you want that with soup or salad?"  "No," I answered. "Just a regular size salad."   * based on a true story!   :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 20, 2021, 11:48:16 AM
Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 21, 2021, 02:56:58 AM
I got a new floor lamp delivered. My boyfriend says are you going to put that up myself? I said no just in the living room!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2021, 10:56:54 AM
I got a new floor lamp delivered. My boyfriend says are you going to put that up myself? I said no just in the living room!

Sorry but if you that 'deep' then there is no way I'm visiting in person! :emot_laughing.gif:

my girlfriend too me shopping with her for a lamp, seems she wanted something else that would light up her life!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 21, 2021, 01:32:54 PM
I was in a nightclub once and a guy asked me to go outside with him so he could show me a good time. When we got outside he ran off, I must admit though 8.4 seconds is good for the 100 meters!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 21, 2021, 02:54:05 PM
I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 21, 2021, 09:22:05 PM
I was in a nightclub once and a guy asked me to go outside with him so he could show me a good time. When we got outside he ran off, I must admit though 8.4 seconds is good for the 100 meters!

 :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 21, 2021, 09:26:07 PM
I met a girl at the nightclub and she came home with me. We were on the couch making out when she asked if she could play with my organ. I sat back and let her do her work. She was good! Did an excellent version of "Whiter Shade of Pale"!   :emot_weird.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 22, 2021, 02:02:16 AM
I dated a green grocer and the romance was fruitful
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 22, 2021, 11:01:17 AM
I heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but my doctor has one and he's able to email me all the time!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 22, 2021, 11:17:27 AM
I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 22, 2021, 10:46:07 PM
I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
:emot_rotf.gif:

The old farmer from Alabama wrote a letter to his congressman complaining about the new government's plans to ban short-sleeved shirts. "Why the hell are they taking away my right to bare arms?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 23, 2021, 10:14:50 AM
My husband  is a pretty bad birdwatcher, every time its just a pair of tits
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 23, 2021, 10:26:01 AM
The wife told her husband she better be seeing a diamond on their anniversary.  So he took her to a baseball game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2021, 11:36:16 AM
I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
:emot_rotf.gif:

The old farmer from Alabama wrote a letter to his congressman complaining about the new government's plans to ban short-sleeved shirts. "Why the hell are they taking away my right to bare arms?"

When allowed you're getting a merit for that one!

Is it wrong to tell a female, "That's why I come every time you call?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 23, 2021, 01:36:22 PM
Did you hear how they caught the pedophile road sweeper? He only swept minor roads
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 23, 2021, 02:15:01 PM
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 23, 2021, 09:22:35 PM
I tried to find my way through the farmer’s field but it was a maize.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2021, 12:11:38 PM
You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 24, 2021, 03:48:10 PM
I went to work at a sign factory. They put me in charge of making "NO EXIT" signs.  "Well," I thought. "This is certainly a dead end job." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 24, 2021, 06:37:44 PM
After an explosion at a French Cheese Factory all that was left was De Brie!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 24, 2021, 09:57:58 PM
I finished top of my class at barber college. I was a cut above the rest.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 25, 2021, 11:51:16 AM
I was looking at an article on the laptop when the girlfriend call out "Are you coming?" how could I respond to that?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 25, 2021, 04:08:23 PM
I travelled to a country where there was no digital cameras. All you could buy were old Kodachromes and rolls of film. It was a very undeveloped society.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 25, 2021, 05:27:57 PM
Who doesn’t like a hard working man, who gets up early and delivers the white stuff. Plus he wears a uniform. You can see the cliches about the milkman are true
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 25, 2021, 05:34:02 PM
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on February 26, 2021, 10:19:21 AM
My first day serving on board the space ship was terrible. I accidently turned the artificial gravity off, the Captain hit the roof!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on February 26, 2021, 10:39:15 AM
Finally my hubby opened his heart to me, now to hide the blade!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 26, 2021, 12:05:30 PM
Rachel, Jessica you both should be ashamed of posting like that- Merit awarded from me!

Lotss of people don't like playing cards with me. since I love to play the 'ace' card!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 27, 2021, 12:31:10 AM
Scientists are so hard at work perfecting artificial intelligence, maybe they should put more work into perfecting human intelligence first!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 27, 2021, 09:33:52 AM
Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on February 28, 2021, 06:32:14 PM
It was a momentous occasion in Olympic history, when all the participants in the 100 meter race were revealed to be crossdressers. One sports commentator made the remark. "I did not know that they've now made drag racing an Olympic sport!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on February 28, 2021, 06:49:25 PM
So wrong but so merit worthy!

Hey do you know how giving birth to a boy is called? Male delivery!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 02, 2021, 10:54:17 PM
I had to quit my job at the clock factory. I'd get home from work and I'd be all wound up!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 03, 2021, 10:35:38 AM
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 03, 2021, 09:04:20 PM
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

 :emot_rotf.gif: That's a merit!

I got a job at a shoe factory. It was my job to destroy the shoes that were rejects. It was very sole-crushing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2021, 11:26:39 AM
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on March 04, 2021, 04:05:40 PM
I never wanted to believe my boyfriend was stealing from his job as a roadworker but when I got home the signs were all there.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 04, 2021, 04:37:58 PM
What is the reason why mice have so much Cancer? Could it be research!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 04, 2021, 09:55:07 PM
Mickey and Minnie Mouse opened a new bar. It's a real hole-in-the-wall kind of place.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 05, 2021, 10:07:12 AM
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 05, 2021, 08:50:50 PM
My new doctor told me he was from Egypt.  "So you're a Cairo-practor?" I asked.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 06, 2021, 10:59:34 AM
My girlfriend just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 06, 2021, 08:48:18 PM
I've been dating a seamstress, but I think it's almost over. Everything is hanging by a thread.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 07, 2021, 10:20:48 AM
Was I wrong to ask girlfriend if she wanted to paddle me after passing her the defibrillator?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 07, 2021, 08:47:58 PM
How did the peasants get across the ocean? They floated on a serf board! 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 08, 2021, 10:08:07 AM
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 08, 2021, 11:35:09 PM
I was working in the warehouse at the razor factory when a whole pallet of razor blades fell over and missed me by inches. It was a close shave.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 09, 2021, 09:56:54 AM
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 09, 2021, 11:52:11 PM
I tried selling dynamite door to door. Well that idea blew up in my face!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 10, 2021, 06:03:53 AM
“Im Buzz Aldrin the second man on the moon
Neil Before Me”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 10, 2021, 11:34:48 AM
“Im Buzz Aldrin the second man on the moon
Neil Before Me”

That's just wrong!

Sure I was told by Maury that I wasn't the father but that didn't stop me being her 'daddy' for a while!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 10, 2021, 10:30:07 PM
The Hollywood ice cream truck driver knew what celebrity really liked ice cream. He'd see her coming and say , "There's Reese with her spoon!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 11, 2021, 10:25:54 AM
Can someone tell my why the central bank of Poland isn't referred to as the "Pole Vault"?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 12, 2021, 11:36:14 PM
Can someone tell my why the central bank of Poland isn't referred to as the "Pole Vault"?

 :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 13, 2021, 12:15:31 PM
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 13, 2021, 05:49:56 PM
I was visiting the city of Prague. Went to the library one day, but there wasn't much to read. It was all Czech books.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 14, 2021, 01:34:33 PM
When dating a dominatrix never suggest that someone should hit the sack!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on March 14, 2021, 04:05:27 PM
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push him from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 14, 2021, 04:24:27 PM
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 14, 2021, 04:40:08 PM
The owl visited the vet and found out he had laryngitis. He couldn't even give a hoot.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 14, 2021, 08:16:58 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 14, 2021, 09:51:56 PM
I met my wife while taking skydiving lessons. I immediately fell for her.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2021, 10:18:52 AM
I went to visit my money, the bank worker to me to it then asked me if this was safe, I just looked at her and say "Well you work here not me!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 15, 2021, 12:13:15 PM
I tried getting my pilot's license but crashed during my solo flight.  I flew so low I hit a bridge!   
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2021, 01:25:46 PM
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 15, 2021, 02:16:37 PM
I dived off a cliff into the ocean. When I surfaced, I heard clapping. It was the seal of approval. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 15, 2021, 03:21:02 PM
Had to turn the stereo off, my girlfriend has been playing Depeche Mode all day. She just can't get enough, whilst I just enjoy the silence.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 16, 2021, 10:52:22 AM
I was working for the railway company. My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on March 16, 2021, 11:12:58 AM
I witnessed the best fight ever the other day between a fox and a hedgehog. It lasted an hour and a half but in the end the hedgehog won on points.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 16, 2021, 12:30:15 PM
Fishermen are Reel Men!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 16, 2021, 08:40:56 PM
Tom Tuna was talking to his buddy Mike Marlin in the ocean one day. "It's becoming a real problem these days, in this electronic age."  "What's a real problem?"  "My kids won't stay off the net."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 17, 2021, 09:16:36 AM
Police are reporting a tractor trailer of Vicks Vapor Rub has rolled over on the highway. Police don't expect congestion because of this!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 17, 2021, 07:52:29 PM
"We can't let you write anymore cheques," they told me at the bank. "Because of your account."  "What's wrong with my account?" I asked.  "On account of......you ain't got any money in it!" the teller said.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2021, 11:57:36 AM
The Boss came rushing out of his office last night, screaming for the yellow pages. His secretary  told him to come live in the modern world and handed him her smartphone. The only good thing that came from that -well the spider in his office is dead!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 18, 2021, 03:06:42 PM
Amazon is getting way too big! Did you know they now have the naming rights for an entire river in South America???
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 18, 2021, 04:59:53 PM
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 18, 2021, 09:06:36 PM
 :emot_rotf.gif:
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 18, 2021, 09:17:29 PM
At the maternity ward in a Chinese hospital.  "I don't understand how we ended up with a white baby." Mr. Wong said to his wife. "Two Wongs don't make a White."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 19, 2021, 10:38:37 AM
My Chinese dadwanted to make a big donation to the local hospital but he didn't after thinking that they wouldn't name anything after him, after all how can you say "Oh just come to the Wong Wing!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 19, 2021, 10:57:56 PM
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?   Attire.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 20, 2021, 12:38:21 PM
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 20, 2021, 05:10:21 PM
I was working at a blanket factory. I ran into financial difficulties and asked my boss for an advance on my paycheque. "Don't worry," he said. "I've got you covered."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 20, 2021, 08:18:41 PM
A man has been shot over a hundred times with an upholstery gun. Police say that he has been fully recovered!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 20, 2021, 09:46:57 PM
I stole a case of glue from the stationery store. When I got arrested I knew I was going to jail. The cops would make the charges stick!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 21, 2021, 03:26:46 PM
My best friends and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 22, 2021, 05:37:42 PM
You got a sixpack! Three rolls wobbling at each side...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2021, 05:49:11 PM
Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 22, 2021, 05:57:33 PM
Let´s face it! I shout with a hard-on, she worked hard on, without pardon.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2021, 07:06:26 PM
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 22, 2021, 07:40:02 PM
I've never decided if I like automatic transmissions in cars or a five-speed stick shift. I'm kinda neutral.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 22, 2021, 08:09:49 PM
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 22, 2021, 08:45:22 PM
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
Merit for that!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 22, 2021, 09:01:58 PM
I went on a blind date with a girl. I kinda wish it had been a deaf date instead. Man, could that woman talk!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 23, 2021, 03:48:13 AM
If Ruby gets a  ruby, you can rub her without a rubber
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 23, 2021, 04:43:48 AM
Oh The Grand old Duke of York
He had 10,000 men
He had some teenage girls too
But he seems to have forgot about them.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2021, 07:49:04 AM
I was in a lot of trouble. The police said I had contributed to the delinquency of a minor by offering the 16 year-old girl liquor. "I disagree with that," I told the officer. "Yeah I wanted to lick her, but the booze was just to loosen her up."   
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2021, 10:21:53 AM
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 23, 2021, 10:24:40 AM
Religion is like your genitalia 

No shame of having one
Be proud of it if you must
But keep it behind closed doors
Don’t force it down others throats
And for the love of god keep them away from children
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2021, 10:27:39 AM
Religion is like your genitalia 

No shame of having one
Be proud of it if you must
But keep it behind closed doors
Don’t force it down others throats
And for the love of god keep them away from children

Now that is well worth a merit!

The Radar Man At the Airforce Air Base felt silly when he scrambles a squadron for something floating by, seems the incident ballooned out of control!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2021, 11:41:34 AM
A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” the neutron asks. “For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2021, 11:59:27 AM
Bat Man had to get a new car since parking the old one in the bat cave. Something took up residence in the old one so now it was really a Bat Mobile!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2021, 03:10:34 PM
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. So I guess then if life gives you gators ......you make gatorade!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 23, 2021, 03:51:56 PM
She is the CEO of a successful mattress company though some say she slept her way to the top!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 23, 2021, 04:11:21 PM
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 23, 2021, 09:58:34 PM
I know why they call them lay-offs. When you're at home on the couch and the wife is nagging at you to find another job, you gotta tell her to " Just lay off, will ya?"    :emot_rotf.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 24, 2021, 09:04:18 AM
We have this new singer coming, her name is Rita Orgasm!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2021, 10:21:04 AM
Currently the flower business is blooming.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 24, 2021, 10:41:08 AM
If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail and try again!

I wormed thru all this Posts! This one was so good :emot_laughing.gif:
merit


Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 24, 2021, 01:38:34 PM
Papa Battery came home from the doctor's office looking glum. "What's wrong?" asked Mama Battery.  "The doctor tested that big lump on top of my head," Papa Battery said. "It came back positive."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2021, 01:57:43 PM
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 24, 2021, 05:58:42 PM
My brother insisted on driving his old car that had no brakes. There was no stopping him.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 24, 2021, 06:11:46 PM
I married an electrician, he really added a spark to bedroom
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 24, 2021, 07:12:45 PM
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 25, 2021, 01:16:54 PM
My resume said I had spent 5 years in Yale. They hired me on the spot, which was good because I really needed the yob!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 25, 2021, 02:17:04 PM
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 25, 2021, 03:32:10 PM
If someone stick your eye you have to say: dare you do this again! I won´t look you anymore
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 25, 2021, 03:54:31 PM
 I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 27, 2021, 12:11:21 AM
I was at the psychiatrist's office.  "Dr, I had this really weird dream last night. I was killing people. What could that be a sign of?"   "You were sleeping," he replied.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 27, 2021, 06:20:24 AM
In history some christians were nailed very hard
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 27, 2021, 12:04:17 PM
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on March 28, 2021, 05:52:21 AM
Some People try saving toads on their way only to notice it was just dog shit, so they´re shat on
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 28, 2021, 10:20:58 AM
Shout 'out' to the people that don't know what the opposite of 'in' is!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 29, 2021, 04:50:44 PM
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. I woke up this morning with back issues.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 29, 2021, 05:41:09 PM
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. I woke up this morning with back issues.

Now that worth a merit!

So if someone from Holland married and had children with a Filipino would their kids be known as 'hollapinos'?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 30, 2021, 12:15:09 AM
The police set up a trap to catch the thieves who were stealing beehives. It was a sting operation.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 30, 2021, 08:38:15 AM
My daughter was confused about how chickens are born so she asked me did I ever get laid?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 30, 2021, 09:19:09 AM
Geology Rocks but geography is where it is at!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 30, 2021, 03:09:19 PM
I asked my boss for an advance on my paycheque.  He told me he could, but in return he wanted an advance on my work.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 30, 2021, 03:11:24 PM
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on March 30, 2021, 06:37:06 PM
Never lose rock paper, scissors to a lesbian!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 30, 2021, 07:59:29 PM
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on March 31, 2021, 12:36:55 AM
Something to ponder:  If an army is defeated on the battlefield,  how do they walk afterwards?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on March 31, 2021, 11:02:48 AM
Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on April 02, 2021, 06:22:17 AM
After stop using chain mails warriors now fighting wireless
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 02, 2021, 10:56:20 AM
No matter how we look at it, Velcro is a complete rip off!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 02, 2021, 11:48:14 AM
The father saw his blonde teenage daughter on her knees by the front door, with her mouth open. He asked her, "What in hell are you doing?"  "Oh well, Mother told me to wait for when the mail comes, so I'm all ready for him!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 02, 2021, 12:47:11 PM
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 05, 2021, 12:14:42 AM
The blonde was walking rather funny and her best friend asked her what the problem was. "Well last night, me and my boyfriend were fucking, and he asked me if I'd do anal sex. I told him, 'I don't know what kind of weird, kinky shit you're into, but I'd rather let you fuck me up the ass before I do that!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 05, 2021, 09:40:18 AM
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 05, 2021, 10:25:06 PM
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Merit for that!  :emot_laughing.gif:
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 05, 2021, 10:33:26 PM
A policeman approached a young woman on the street and told her her tank top was too short and she was exposing too much of her mid-riff, and that she should go home and change. "How dare you?" the young woman snapped. "It's none of your business how I'm dressed. What kind of policeman are you anyways?"  He replied,"I'm a navel officer, ma'am!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 06, 2021, 09:48:12 AM
A policeman approached a young woman on the street and told her her tank top was too short and she was exposing too much of her mid-riff, and that she should go home and change. "How dare you?" the young woman snapped. "It's none of your business how I'm dressed. What kind of policeman are you anyways?"  He replied,"I'm a navel officer, ma'am!"

now that is so wrong it merit worthy!

You should always wear glasses when solving math- it help to improve division!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 06, 2021, 02:46:46 PM
The tub faucet was visiting his psychiatrist. "I think I have a sex addiction problem, doctor."   "What makes you think that?" the doctor asked.  "Well, every naked person I see turns me on!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 06, 2021, 04:09:25 PM
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 06, 2021, 08:28:58 PM
When does it start to rain money?   When there is change in the weather.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 07, 2021, 10:16:29 AM
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 07, 2021, 08:40:38 PM
A farmer crossed pigs with crocodiles. They were ham-phibians!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 08, 2021, 10:15:15 AM
My grandfather claims he hates his new stair lift- it drives him up the wall!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on April 08, 2021, 03:08:44 PM
Why people say dying is hard when they sink into a moor
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 08, 2021, 03:49:17 PM
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 09, 2021, 05:15:15 AM
You heard about the guy who only writes midget stories on RU. He keeps a very low profile.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 09, 2021, 10:08:25 AM
When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 09, 2021, 11:28:52 PM
A clerk at a convenience store fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a suspect and say there's a price on his head.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on April 10, 2021, 05:50:36 AM
A clerk at a convenience store fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a suspect and say there's a price on his head.

Very amusing ::): Was it a special offer?

By the way, Film Industry thinks about a new James Bond.
To make it more contemporary James actually doing nappy change and hunting flies while his wife killing spies.
They call it the new bond age...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 10, 2021, 10:16:40 AM
The previous two posters should be ashamed of themselves, if i give you a merit each will you try to improve?


I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 10, 2021, 01:03:25 PM
If I give YOU a merit will you smarten up after that one?   :emot_rotf.gif:


When I was in the navy I didn't enjoy serving on a submarine.  The accommodations and the food were sub-standard to say the least.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on April 10, 2021, 02:28:49 PM
I can´t improve because of my girlfriend, she´s used to say I´m the least
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 10, 2021, 03:31:42 PM
After we had sex I offered my date a bowl of ichiban noodles.  "So I guess everything around here is two minutes." she said. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 10, 2021, 03:32:56 PM
I dig
She digs
We dig

I know it's not romantic but it is deep!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 10, 2021, 03:42:14 PM
My girlfriend told me if we ever got married and had kids, they'd be beautiful because she had good genes. "I don't really care what kind of pants you have," I said. "They'll be coming off anyways when we have sex."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 13, 2021, 08:45:11 PM
Bad news today William Shatner had to quit selling ladies pants. Seems no lady want Shatner pants
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 14, 2021, 02:03:32 PM
 :emot_rotf.gif:

I wanted to become a monk, but I could never get the chants.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 14, 2021, 04:11:10 PM
I never expected to have a stranger marry me but what else could I think after the operator decided to ring me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 14, 2021, 08:07:50 PM
I get why they call it a lawnmower. After you cut the grass, more always grows.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 15, 2021, 10:26:34 AM
I know things are getting bad with import manufacturing, The other day i bought a Television with Built in Antenna. I have no idea where Antenna is located!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on April 15, 2021, 11:03:17 AM
Isn´t walking on high heels a permanent downhill, or a descent?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 15, 2021, 11:05:19 AM
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 16, 2021, 08:23:59 PM
My dog loves Christmas. He's a big fan of the howlidays.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 17, 2021, 11:01:00 AM
Police are reporting that a truck carrying Tortoises and one carrying Terrapins have collided, They say it a TURTLE disaster
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 20, 2021, 05:18:14 PM
My BF is on about a penis extension, him and his doctor have discussed it at great lengths
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 20, 2021, 06:07:06 PM
Funny about that Jessica, my girlfriend on on about getting bigger breasts, said she even hopes to get a 'round' to it someday!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 20, 2021, 09:50:29 PM
My girlfriend and I were at the supermarket today and a T-bone steak reached out and pinched her ass. "Wow!" I said. "The meat here is pretty fresh!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 21, 2021, 12:03:17 PM
My girlfriend has taken up wearing large earrings lately so she says that i have to jump through hoops for her!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 21, 2021, 05:32:19 PM
A steak and a hamburger were sizzling on the barbecue.  The hamburger began asking the steak questions. "What's your name?" "Where are you from?"  "How old are you?"   The steak yelled, "Geez will you shut up? I didn't expect to get grilled!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 21, 2021, 07:04:10 PM
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 21, 2021, 11:13:40 PM
When I have to listen to rap music it reminds me eating a chocolate bar. When I'm done I throw away the rapper.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 22, 2021, 09:35:47 AM
I have a feeling the new accountant at work is a cocaine addict. When we ask if they want to join us for an after work beer he always replies "Sure need to do one more line!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 23, 2021, 10:21:24 AM
I woke up one morning and found my goldfish had escaped from their aquarium. I've got a feeling something fishy's going on!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 23, 2021, 10:28:44 AM
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 24, 2021, 03:33:44 AM
I once asked my ex if my dick was big enough. She replied, "It's a good size but not near as big as the dick I wake up next to every morning!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 24, 2021, 05:03:38 AM
Poor Chinese man was arrested for giving his name to the police. Luckily they released Mr Fuk Yu after an hour.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2021, 09:15:48 AM
When at work one night we had a discussion about circumcision someone wonder can you have one at any age or is there a cut-off?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on April 24, 2021, 12:41:18 PM
I had a very happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills, those were Goodyears!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 24, 2021, 01:29:37 PM
I was really shocked with how I was spoken to be the person on the suppository hotline. The person said shove it up my ass! I'll never call then again!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 24, 2021, 09:23:28 PM
I had a bladder infection. The doctor said, " I sympathize with you sir. I know urine a lot of pain."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 25, 2021, 11:30:58 AM
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 26, 2021, 07:53:21 PM
What's long and hard on a kid from Alabama?     Sixth grade.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 27, 2021, 09:41:28 AM
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 27, 2021, 09:50:19 AM
I used to have a band. My piano player was over 6 feet tall. I was quite proud of my big pianist.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 27, 2021, 09:56:35 AM
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 27, 2021, 09:31:43 PM
There's a blue bird on my windowsill.  That's what he gets when he won't move out of the way while I'm painting my house!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2021, 11:04:54 AM
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 28, 2021, 03:54:42 PM
The old rooster died and a young rooster took over the henhouse. It was nothing to crow about.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 28, 2021, 05:02:44 PM
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on April 29, 2021, 04:10:37 PM
I lost my watch at a party one time. When I saw it, some guy was standing on it harassing a woman so I walked over and punched him. Nobody does that, not on my watch!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 29, 2021, 05:00:18 PM
I don't get it my girlfriend wears my shirts and t-shirts all she wants but let me put on her bra and panties and walk around and suddenly I have to talk  about it to some Doctor!'
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on April 29, 2021, 08:29:30 PM
They finally let the local LEGO store re-open. Customers were lined up for blocks.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on April 30, 2021, 10:14:30 AM
My sister and her bloke made a hot sex tape they just don’t know it yet.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on April 30, 2021, 10:42:20 AM
My sister and her bloke made a hot sex tape they just don’t know it yet.

Unless she's as hot as you that is just wrong on so many levels!

There's a man dressed in surgical garb armed with a scalpel chasing me. he's a doctor, a man after my heart!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 01, 2021, 01:25:53 PM
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2021, 03:33:33 PM
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 01, 2021, 04:50:31 PM
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it
:emot_rotf.gif:

I'm studying for my driver's exam at truck driving school.  It's my semi-final. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2021, 04:53:13 PM
We bought our boss swimming weights for his ankles-he's a lot stronger than we thought!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 01, 2021, 04:55:31 PM
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2021, 04:58:59 PM
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 01, 2021, 05:15:48 PM
I was going to buy an electric car. I asked the salesman if it would require anything special to drive. He told me I would need a current driver's license.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 01, 2021, 06:47:37 PM
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 01, 2021, 08:47:03 PM
I love that the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 02, 2021, 10:21:13 AM
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 02, 2021, 06:36:00 PM
I ripped my tights today, but  it’s ok they were in their last legs
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 02, 2021, 08:22:52 PM
My friend's in prison for flashing; he says he can't bare it anymore.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 02, 2021, 09:54:40 PM
I cut myself shredding cheese today, but I think I have grater problems.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 03, 2021, 11:11:01 AM
I had to serve pasta instead of potatoes, they had eyes on me while I tried to peel them!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 03, 2021, 07:35:32 PM
 I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2021, 10:12:53 AM
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2021, 05:06:01 PM
I dated a janitor , he swept me off my feet!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2021, 05:13:31 PM
So I admit it I'm a cower! When the nurse came towards me with something in her hands And asked where I wanted to be shot, I zigzagged as I ran to make it harder on her hitting me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2021, 05:44:33 PM
I was raped by a mime artist. He did unspeakable things to me
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2021, 05:46:20 PM
There complaints down at the morgue. seems they are cutting coroners
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2021, 05:48:35 PM
 :emot_rotf.gif:

Did you hear about the obese war actor , he was in the movie a Fridge Too Far
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2021, 05:54:51 PM
Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah... it took him forever to get out.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 04, 2021, 05:59:00 PM
“You’re a patient woman” least I was told that while I was in hospital
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 04, 2021, 06:12:41 PM
If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 05, 2021, 02:42:24 AM
Space was cool before it mattered
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 05, 2021, 10:53:03 AM
My English teacher didn't like my homework assignment to write a story, apparently a dog eating my homework isn't a believable subject!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 05, 2021, 06:06:37 PM
I started a new job at the cheese factory. I really like my co-workers. They're a gouda bunch.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 05, 2021, 06:14:37 PM
I told my dad that I wanted a job in Archeology and he cried telling all his friends that his son's career was in ruins!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 05, 2021, 06:37:15 PM
I met a really hot girl at the park today. But the paramedics said they'd get her to the hospital right away and get her treated for heat stroke.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 06, 2021, 10:37:14 AM
I met my next door neighbor today, seems she has fallen and couldn't get up! So was it wrong of me to comment that she was a well grounded person!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 06, 2021, 11:32:35 AM
The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper. All I did was rough him up a bit.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 06, 2021, 12:24:27 PM
I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 06, 2021, 10:17:16 PM
I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 07, 2021, 01:21:36 PM
I was going to tell you about Sarah and her eating only plants but I'm sure you have herbivore before!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 07, 2021, 10:57:55 PM
I thought I bought a goldfish but one day seen him sitting at the piano, playing music. I realized it was a piano tuna.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2021, 10:01:00 AM
Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 08, 2021, 10:50:58 AM
I went for a job at a stables one time. The owner asked me if I'd ever shoed a horse before. I said no, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 08, 2021, 12:36:18 PM
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 11, 2021, 04:57:37 PM
Did you know that a single sperm has about 37.5MB of DNA data, so an ejaculation transfers nearly 16TB of data. Now thats a lot of information to swallow!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 11, 2021, 07:46:42 PM
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 13, 2021, 06:20:44 PM
Did you know that a single sperm has about 37.5MB of DNA data, so an ejaculation transfers nearly 16TB of data. Now thats a lot of information to swallow!

Merit-worthy Rachel!  ;D
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 13, 2021, 06:23:35 PM
The storm that hit last week was the same as the storm that hit the week before. I think they were cy -clones!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 14, 2021, 11:08:25 AM
Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 14, 2021, 04:10:15 PM
I sometimes have problems remembering what side the sun rises on but then it dawn's on me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 14, 2021, 05:42:57 PM
Was reading a posted piece of paper at the music hall. Warning of Loud Music and Flashing Lights, Now I knew I was getting old for I couldn't even think of a single song by those bands!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 14, 2021, 08:55:58 PM
As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. They didn't mention the fact that identity theft is a crime.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 15, 2021, 10:50:53 AM
I was at a picnic with my girlfriend who make grilled cheese sandwiches, I just looked at then until she said "Edam up!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 16, 2021, 11:33:35 AM
Did you hear about the Top Gun themed male stripper bar, it’s called the Cockpit
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 16, 2021, 02:19:39 PM
Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin' alive.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 16, 2021, 03:22:53 PM
He was excellent at setting traps for vermin, he was known as the master baiter
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 16, 2021, 04:46:46 PM
My First time using an elevator was quite uplifting, the second time it let me down!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 16, 2021, 09:51:48 PM
It figures that the astronauts who went to the moon had to ride in a rocket to get there. Don't most wives say the only way they can get their husbands to do anything is put a fire under their asses?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 17, 2021, 09:42:39 AM
My boyfriend told me that the first thing he looked for in me was my heart. The fact my breasts were in front of it wasn't his fault apparently!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 17, 2021, 10:13:00 AM
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 17, 2021, 05:19:03 PM
My sister messaged me today saying that she saw a bear on the way to work this morning. I thought that was very rare and asked her how she knew he was on his way to work?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 17, 2021, 05:31:26 PM
i was walking alone today when a man ran up and three Camembert at me. All I could say was how dairy!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 20, 2021, 12:34:27 PM
I bought a pen that writes underwater. You can use it to write other words too.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 20, 2021, 02:24:00 PM
I was so sad and crying when I lost my Playstation 5 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 21, 2021, 02:22:22 PM
Eric Clap-ton  was great last night, he got some round of applause.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 21, 2021, 02:27:52 PM
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 21, 2021, 02:37:15 PM
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.

Merit worthy if I didn’t already give you one today lol

I was surrounded by buoys and seamen. I loved my time at sea.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 21, 2021, 02:54:27 PM
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.

Merit worthy if I didn’t already give you one today lol

Oh please we owe each other so many merits that we will never catch up!

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 21, 2021, 03:09:33 PM
I’ve a fear of spiders so stay away from the deep web
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 21, 2021, 03:28:04 PM
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my girlfriend... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 21, 2021, 03:29:29 PM
Posh girls don’t come. They arrive!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 21, 2021, 03:36:52 PM
I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's! I'm going to park the car and walk in.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on May 23, 2021, 06:44:14 AM
Best Shops are in public Domain. F.e. cemetries. Each join them...sooner or later
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 23, 2021, 10:18:52 AM
The cemetery down the street was be very popular, people are just dying to get in there!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 24, 2021, 03:33:53 PM
Who do ants worship? The Anty Christ!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 24, 2021, 04:25:34 PM
How should you tell someone about their milk- Why with a spoiler alert of course!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 24, 2021, 11:10:23 PM
I was useless in my job as a dogcatcher. One day I was late for work and my boss said, "Geez, you can't even catch a bus."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 25, 2021, 06:43:16 AM
How do you tell a man is old. It’s not hard!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 25, 2021, 09:57:44 AM
A man returned inside after being outside in a heavy snowfall only for his wife to hand him a pad of paper and started dictating a letter to her mother. "Hey what gives?" The wife just looked "Well if you can write out there in a snowbank then it's time mother heard from us!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on May 25, 2021, 04:03:27 PM
Winding spaghetti round an Alarm does not mean eating round the clock
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 25, 2021, 05:13:05 PM
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 25, 2021, 09:44:48 PM
I liked trigonometry when I was in school. It was a sine of the times.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 26, 2021, 05:24:21 AM
I told my boyfriend to take off my dress..... and to stop wearing my clothes
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 26, 2021, 10:12:20 AM
My Girlfriends pet jumped up as I sat down beside her on the couch "Ah great tell me I can pet your pussy!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on May 26, 2021, 05:00:02 PM
I dated a man on the England football team, he was a bit of a player
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 26, 2021, 06:45:57 PM
My girlfriend and me were at a baseball diamond when I ran from first to second base. She look at me and said I was willing to let me go to third base!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on May 27, 2021, 09:19:18 AM
I woke up this morning in the fireplace. I did feel that last night I slept like a log.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 27, 2021, 10:10:59 AM
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 28, 2021, 08:52:27 PM
A kid asked me if sixty minutes was a lot. I said ," No silly, it's an hour." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 29, 2021, 11:29:35 AM
I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 30, 2021, 12:49:16 AM
Everyone at the candy store was always jealous of the popsicles. They were co much cooler than any of the other candy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on May 30, 2021, 11:37:27 AM
A penguin wiped it's bill and said as the mechanic say it 'blew a gasket', No it ice cream I promise!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on May 31, 2021, 09:09:09 PM
I gave all the fingers on my left hand the names of sexy women. They fought and bickered amongst each other a lot. They were quite a handful.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 01, 2021, 10:23:35 AM
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 02, 2021, 05:11:48 PM
The banker asked me why I needed another loan for my charter boat business. "I'm barely keeping my head above water," I replied. "Business that bad?" he asked. "No, I have a hole in the boat," I said.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 02, 2021, 05:43:21 PM
Red skies at night, a sailor's delight! Blue sky at night, that's day time, learn the difference!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 02, 2021, 09:05:50 PM
"I'm going fishing," I told my friend.  "You got worms?" he asked.  "Yeah," I said, "but I'm going anyways." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 03, 2021, 10:20:21 AM
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 03, 2021, 09:21:10 PM
I've always been made to feel like a second-class citizen in Canada. I mean there's a Canadian Bill of Rights, but what about all us lefthanders?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 04, 2021, 11:11:30 AM
Girls, are a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in them but I'm not getting much interest.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 04, 2021, 08:58:36 PM
There are men who are homeless and will date women hoping they'll let them move in with them. They are known as hobo-sexuals.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 05, 2021, 10:20:25 AM
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing." Have you ever considered being more interesting?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 05, 2021, 08:21:04 PM
The wife and I were driving past a dairy farm, and she complained that all she could smell was manure. I guess she prefers a clean dairy air.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 06, 2021, 10:54:06 AM
I told my girlfriend that after I finished I stopped to bag the grass, she called the cops on me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 06, 2021, 08:04:44 PM
A major cannabis growing company is building a large greenhouse operation near my hometown. I tell you, the place is really going to pot!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 07, 2021, 10:19:59 AM
You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on June 07, 2021, 03:09:14 PM
Once I had a princess; she farts over the chocolate i spread on her ass every day!
Now I have a new princess; I kick her in the ass all the time and she love it!
So consider it: senceless adulation is worth a shit
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 07, 2021, 03:41:07 PM
Whenever I think of saying or doing something bad I stop and ask what would Dwayne Johnson do, after all he is the one Rock who keeps me on the straight and narrow!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 07, 2021, 06:10:25 PM
I once owned a tire shop. It was the most popular tire shop in town and lots of people came there. But my wife made me sell it. Said I was getting an inflated ego. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 08, 2021, 10:42:59 AM
The health department made me close my butcher shop after I accidentally cut my hand ,  seems someone complained that my thumb was on the scale!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 09, 2021, 10:35:49 PM
The football coach was banging on the vending machine out in the hallway. "I want my quarterback!" he yelled.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 10, 2021, 10:22:04 AM
The football coach was instantly fired after some faculty members over heard him telling his plans for 'the tight end' as he was walking through cheerleader practice!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 10, 2021, 08:04:09 PM
I started this home-based business and, oh man! I was making lots of money. Then the police raided my house and arrested me for counterfeiting.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 11, 2021, 02:14:36 PM
If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on June 11, 2021, 04:51:44 PM
Heard a comedian make a joke about the Band U2, it was Edgy!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 11, 2021, 05:55:50 PM
Do you want to hear a joke about Potassium- K
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 11, 2021, 09:06:34 PM
Why shouldn't you go to an Italian restaurant late at night?   It's not good to eat that much pasta midnight.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 12, 2021, 12:21:14 PM
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 13, 2021, 09:16:01 PM
How did the police know they had caught the right guy who was stealing candy from the supermarket? 

He had a sweet disposition.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 14, 2021, 10:06:43 AM
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 15, 2021, 10:13:00 PM
The photographer was disappointed that he slept in and missed taking photos of the morning fog on San Francisco Bay. It was a mist opportunity.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 16, 2021, 10:14:13 AM
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 17, 2021, 10:28:54 PM
I was camping in the woods but I moved to another spot. The grove of trees I had been in looked a little shady.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 18, 2021, 10:44:34 AM
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 19, 2021, 10:35:57 PM
Cinderella got kicked off of the girls' lacrosse team. She had the habit of always running away from the ball.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 20, 2021, 11:04:36 AM
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 20, 2021, 08:43:27 PM
What did Obi Wan tell Luke when he had trouble eating Chinese food?

Use the forks, Luke.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 21, 2021, 10:36:01 AM
What did Obi Wan tell Luke when he had trouble eating Chinese food?

Use the forks, Luke.

merit worthy badness!

I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 22, 2021, 11:26:09 PM
Two senior citizens were in the clubhouse after a morning round of golf.  Abner says, "Today, I got on the third hole with only two strokes."    "Oh that's not bad," Oscar replied. "The other day it took me four strokes and a heart attack to get on the third!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 23, 2021, 10:11:53 AM
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 25, 2021, 11:57:18 PM
Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling a connection here.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 26, 2021, 09:23:23 AM
Any female has a vagina, just something else she can rub into the face of any male!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on June 30, 2021, 12:14:18 AM
What song is at the top of the charts in the forest?   "Don't Stop De-leafing"!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 30, 2021, 10:17:55 AM
I do my best to stay out of Philadelphia since I'm not into "Brotherly love!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on June 30, 2021, 03:13:28 PM
My dressmaking career hangs by a thread
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on June 30, 2021, 04:09:23 PM
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on July 01, 2021, 06:26:04 PM
Been schoven under the guillotine, looking down in the bag full of cut-off heads, I think it will hurt my falling down there...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 01, 2021, 06:32:37 PM
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on July 06, 2021, 04:46:23 PM
An Irish man, Scots man and Welsh man walk into a bar. An English man would be with them but he's still playing in the Euros!!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 06, 2021, 05:54:16 PM
Great Deal for anyone interested, I'm giving away batteries, free of charge!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 06, 2021, 07:29:36 PM
Did you hear the one about the politician who told the truth?  Yeah, I didn't either.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 06, 2021, 08:52:08 PM
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 08, 2021, 09:14:57 PM
My friend said he once threw a stick two miles and his dog still brought it back… Seems a bit far-fetched to me!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 09, 2021, 10:05:36 AM
My friend said he once threw a stick two miles and his dog still brought it back… Seems a bit far-fetched to me!

Now that 's merit worthy!

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 12, 2021, 06:27:33 PM
"Was he really an astronaut?" the blonde's friend asked her, after her date the night before. "I guess so," the blonde shrugged. "He said he wanted to explore the space between my legs."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 13, 2021, 10:04:08 AM
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 14, 2021, 09:45:57 AM
 
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
   :emot_rotf.gif:


The washcloth didn't like the towel's sense of humor. It was rather dry.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 14, 2021, 12:10:15 PM
I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on July 15, 2021, 03:48:44 PM
Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than thirty seconds? By the way, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 15, 2021, 04:49:31 PM
Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than thirty seconds? By the way, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What and you a mother- how cruel and merit award winning!

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 16, 2021, 04:02:18 AM
I was bored yesterday and watched the World Origami Championships on tv. It was on Paperview. 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 16, 2021, 10:58:50 AM
I was bored yesterday and watched the World Origami Championships on tv. It was on Paperview. 

To think some thing that bad earned you a merit

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 18, 2021, 08:34:11 AM
I saw a snake steal a pie off a windowsill. I guess it was a pie-thon!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 18, 2021, 10:29:52 AM
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados... It's only a draft at the moment.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 18, 2021, 04:03:26 PM
I named my racehorse Darius.  Darius, and d'er he goes!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 18, 2021, 05:38:01 PM
I heard on the radio today that a hooker was caught on the field then I realize that they were talking about the rugby match!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 19, 2021, 04:50:55 PM
"So you spent 3 years at Yale?" they asked me in my job interview.

"Yes," I replied.

"Well, you could be the man we're looking for then, to fill this position."

"That's good, because I could really use the yob!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 19, 2021, 05:52:56 PM
What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 19, 2021, 09:18:32 PM
What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

Merit for that!  :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:

Two skeletons are standing in a closet. One says to the other, "I'd walk out of here, but I don't have the guts."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 20, 2021, 09:40:43 AM
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 21, 2021, 09:57:20 AM
The criminal had a bad stutter.  His lawyer argued to the judge to not send him to prison.  "Your honor, he'll never be able to finish his sentence."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 21, 2021, 10:35:49 AM
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 23, 2021, 12:16:56 AM
I got fired from my job as a groundskeeper at the golf course. A young lady had complained to me that she was stung by a wasp between the first and second holes. I told her that wasn't my fault and suggested she should be wearing underwear when she was out on the course.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 23, 2021, 10:04:12 AM
So apparently it's considered wrong to say "An just 'grind his nuts' to make sure you'll have enough to make a cake when you host a cooking show!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 24, 2021, 10:27:44 PM
I've always had a long memory. I remember to tell things to people LONGGGGG after I was supposed to!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 25, 2021, 11:24:00 AM
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 25, 2021, 03:12:48 PM
I just heard my company's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch that might be me.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 25, 2021, 04:23:11 PM
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on July 25, 2021, 05:01:39 PM
I accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 25, 2021, 05:32:05 PM
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 27, 2021, 09:08:14 PM
I accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

 :emot_rotf.gif:  a merit for that Rachel! 


What happens when business slows right down at a medicine factory?   You can hear a cough drop.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 28, 2021, 11:47:56 AM
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 28, 2021, 04:50:11 PM
 Well, I got fired at work today. My boss said my communication skills weren’t up to scratch. I didn’t know what to say.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 28, 2021, 06:17:54 PM
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 28, 2021, 08:25:51 PM
I got a new job at the Heinz pickle factory. Got fired for sticking my fingers in the pickle slicer. She got fired too.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 29, 2021, 09:57:31 AM
So how do you explain to people that your on the sex offenders list for eating Branston  Pickle
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Rachel_Thornton on July 29, 2021, 11:22:38 AM
I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records. My boyfriend said it sounds like I need help. I told him no, I already have that one!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 29, 2021, 11:28:40 AM
Little Johnny was in sex ed class. The teacher asked him how he viewed lesbian relationships. He said, "In full HD!"  He got sent to the principal's office. Apparently that wasn't the right answer.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 29, 2021, 11:29:05 AM
I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records. My boyfriend said it sounds like I need help. I told him no, I already have that one!

Only a merit can make that bad pun go away!

People who punish others with bad puns need to be severely pun-ished
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 29, 2021, 11:37:51 AM
The Alphabet kids were out playing in the yard.  J got stung by a B, and K poked D with a golf T. Mama Alphabet came out and said, "Stop that before someone loses an I and I have to spank U."  Q said, "O I have to P."   

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 29, 2021, 01:01:43 PM
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on July 30, 2021, 06:53:59 PM
I passed chef school. I completed all courses.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on July 30, 2021, 07:34:17 PM
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on July 31, 2021, 09:49:49 PM
Apple announced they are entering the car manufacturing business. Not sure how well their cars will sell though. They'll have no Windows and no Chrome.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 01, 2021, 11:06:02 AM
Apple announced they are entering the car manufacturing business. Not sure how well their cars will sell though. They'll have no Windows and no Chrome.

So merit worthy!

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 01, 2021, 06:17:43 PM
Ham and eggs walk into a bar, the waiter tells them, ‘Hey! we don’t serve breakfast here’
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 01, 2021, 06:44:39 PM
The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 04, 2021, 10:12:44 PM
The cardiac surgeon was talking to the woman who's husband he was performing a heart transplant on. "Ma'am, your husband isn't going to survive this operation. He wanted to tell you himself but he hasn't got the heart." 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 05, 2021, 09:48:45 AM
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 05, 2021, 02:00:30 PM
I was a lawyer for 25 years before I went to culinary school. Now, I'm a sue chef.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 05, 2021, 03:03:02 PM
What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 08, 2021, 08:46:20 PM
What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

 :emot_rotf.gif:  MERIT!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 08, 2021, 08:51:29 PM
What happens when a police officer goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 09, 2021, 10:07:51 AM
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 09, 2021, 09:58:55 PM
I dated an invisible woman. She wasn't much to look at.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: spunkjunk on August 10, 2021, 04:07:39 AM
The foundation of our new association was a tearing challenge!
We call it hymen rights watch...
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 10, 2021, 10:13:16 AM
I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 10, 2021, 10:33:08 PM
I said to my girlfriend, "If you were a fruit, you'd be a FINEapple.......but if you were a vegetable......I'd pull the plug!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 11, 2021, 09:59:22 AM
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 12, 2021, 11:12:12 AM
How does an Inuit man build his house?   Igloos it together.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 12, 2021, 11:42:11 AM
If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 12, 2021, 09:33:36 PM
I thought I'd make a fortune growing pot, but I realized my expectations were too high!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 13, 2021, 03:03:35 PM
Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 13, 2021, 06:41:35 PM
My blonde girlfriend told me she was getting her wages cut by a quarter at her job. "Big deal!" she said. "Like they're cutting my wages by 25 cents! That's nothing!"  I just shook my head.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 13, 2021, 07:51:04 PM
Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 14, 2021, 01:44:06 PM
I went to a restaurant and wanted to order a raw steak. "Can you do that?" I asked the waiter. "Yes," he said, " but it is very rare."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 14, 2021, 02:45:56 PM
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 15, 2021, 01:28:03 PM
Why can't penguins play football at the South Pole?    There's snowballs.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 15, 2021, 03:06:29 PM
My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 15, 2021, 10:28:02 PM
Why is a penguin's head always cold? He wears ice caps.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 16, 2021, 10:07:59 AM
This butter is delicious
Actually it ghee
Ah thanks for clarifying!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 17, 2021, 11:38:45 PM
What happens when you cross an angry sheep with a cow?   You get a farm animal in a really baaaaaad mooooood!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 18, 2021, 10:29:11 AM
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 18, 2021, 10:32:27 PM
The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde woman's driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.
“What does it look like?” the woman asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 19, 2021, 12:32:35 PM
The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde woman's driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.
“What does it look like?” the woman asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

merit earned !

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 20, 2021, 02:15:00 AM
The obese man was at the doctor's office.  "I don't want to say I have an eating problem, doc. But last week at work, I snuck into the meeting room and ate a whole pie chart!"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 20, 2021, 10:04:23 AM
The girlfriend placed a plate of salad in front of me and i got all excited and tingly from my head Tomatoes
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on August 23, 2021, 10:43:17 PM
Miles Davis was a very well-known American trumpet player. However we never heard much of his British cousin, Kilometers Davis.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 24, 2021, 09:47:38 AM
While on vacation in Europe my boss's Visa was cancelled, but he didn't care since he also had a Mastercard with him!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on August 30, 2021, 09:16:11 AM
What Spice Girl can carry petrol? Gerri Can!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 30, 2021, 11:41:10 AM
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on August 30, 2021, 11:46:20 AM
Hotel wasn’t up to standard I asked for a reduction in cost ,was told “We do not negotiate with Tourists and that was that.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on August 30, 2021, 11:57:42 AM
If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 01, 2021, 10:11:33 PM
I know why they call them traffic fines.  You go to court to fight the ticket, lose, and the judge tells you to pay up, and you say, "ALL RIGHT! FINE! I'll pay the damn thing!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 02, 2021, 10:07:26 AM
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on September 03, 2021, 04:28:23 PM
Guy got arrested having a wank in public, it never stood up in court
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 03, 2021, 04:58:02 PM
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 05, 2021, 01:00:23 PM
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

 :emot_rotf.gif: MERIT! 


Never play poker with Queen Elizabeth in the bathroom. She'll always beat you with a royal flush!
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 05, 2021, 04:41:40 PM
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

 :emot_rotf.gif: MERIT! 


Never play poker with Queen Elizabeth in the bathroom. She'll always beat you with a royal flush!

An merit returned!

My girlfriend tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 07, 2021, 10:55:13 PM
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 08, 2021, 10:22:12 AM
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 08, 2021, 10:43:29 PM
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 09, 2021, 10:03:04 AM
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 09, 2021, 02:57:40 PM
The astronomer had anal sex with his young college intern, telling her, "This is the best way to explore Uranus!" 
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: carhamgrater on September 09, 2021, 04:09:38 PM
I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 10, 2021, 06:20:40 PM
I went to a doctor and told him I thought I was developing brain cancer.  "Don't worry," He said. "It's all in your head."
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: Jessica_33 on September 12, 2021, 04:44:00 PM
Did you hear about the incompetent postman , he got the sack.
Title: Re: pun intended
Post by: vile8r on September 12, 2021, 11:11:29 PM
I knew a girl in high school whose nickname was Front Door. She liked getting slammed every night.