Ravishment University
THE UNIVERSITY => Spring Break! Party Party! Party! => The Game Room => Topic started by: just me on February 19, 2020, 09:42:13 AM
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i love puns .. so i thought i might start a lil' game
the rules are easy enough .. just play with words .. as long as it does have a double meaning .. it belongs here
example: i stayed up at the beach all night .. wondering where the sun went .. then it dawned on me
go knock yourselves out
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I had a job selling vacuum cleaners door to door. No one wanted to buy one. Maybe it was because I was telling them, "These things really suck!"
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:emot_laughing.gif: vile8r :emot_rotf.gif:
so this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere ..
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I was sitting at a piano with a really white girl, my hand was between her legs when I asked her if "I could tickle the Ivories"
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:emot_rotf.gif:
a blind man walks into a bar .. and a table .. and a chair
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She was surrounded by naked men, all of then and even she was singing "Come Together! Right Now over me!"
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omg carhamgrater .. that was bad :emot_laughing.gif:
somebody stole my mood ring .. i’m not quite sure how I feel about that
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Well they all cant be gems can they
As he was led away by the police someone called out "Why were you arrested" his reply stunned the voice "Because I let the sun go down on me!"
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(here's a bad one from me :angel: )
how many freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis .. i mean light-bulb .. really .. a light bulb
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she was happy she got her pipes sorted out as the plumber left with another job well done
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atheism is a non-prophet organization
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The announcer came on "only Girls Aloud!"
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so what if I can’t spell armageddon? .. it’s not the end of the world
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As I said to my horse, why the long face?
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sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels
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His name was Myles. He was going places
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Bob Doug Neil were all consider gay!
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Her name was Summer she thought she was hot
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Gaye Has a thing for women!
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i have a few jokes about unemployed people .. but none of them work
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She took one look at me and said that I already had a hard part to begin with
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Police are looking for the thief responsible for stealing the toilet out of the police station. But admitted they have no clues and right now they have nothing to go on!
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"i have a split personality" said tom .. being frank
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I got told off for wearing a short skirt at work, by boss said he’ll bring it up at the next meeting
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the man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
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I got a job at the rocket factory. It's good job security. The boss said we can go nowhere but up.
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i went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday .. but couldn't find any
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She hated it when her husband suffered premature ejaculation during fellatio, you can see it all over her face
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england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool
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england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool
Very good :emot_rotf.gif:
Her Name was Raine Bowe, they say she was a colorful character
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I got a job at the rocket factory. It's good job security. The boss said we can go nowhere but up.
That must b a blast!
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I just got back from shaving cream wrestling. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
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The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?" :emot_rotf.gif:
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england doesn't have a kidney bank .. but it does have a liverpool
The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?" :emot_rotf.gif:
She hated it when her husband suffered premature ejaculation during fellatio, you can see it all over her face
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: all earn a merit from me!
even before being hit by a car i was feeling 'run down!'
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The 60 watt light bulb was dating a 20 watt light bulb. Her mother said to her, "Your new boyfriend isn't the brightest, is he?" :emot_rotf.gif:
Fantastic merit :emot_rotf.gif:
“Dammit”the Beaver shouted
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It wasn't hard for us to find the train. It left a good set of tracks.
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We wrote the boss a note with invisible ink- apparently he couldn't see it to read the note
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german sausage jokes are just the wurst
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I hear China’s economy has suddenly become very fragile
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i have a photographic memory .. but i never developed it
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This seafood diet is not working at all, I see food and I eat it.
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The bank manager said the vault would keep anything safe so we went there to have unprotective sex
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i wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant .. but then i changed my mind
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The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents!
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A man walked up to the entrance of a nightclub carrying a set of booster cables. The bouncer let him in but said, "Don't you be starting anything in there!"
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there was a kidnapping at school yesterday .. don’t worry though .. she woke up
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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i hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. .. i’m not really a mourning person
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I accidentally handed my girlfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick. She still isn't talking to me!
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police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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i used to be indecisive .. now i'm not so sure
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
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i saw an ad for burial plots and I thought .. that’s the last thing i need
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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"
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"Do you see what I mean?" the teacher asked her class of blind students.
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i walked into my bedroom and tripped over a bra .. it was a booby trap
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I asked her are you welcome and she replied no i had more than that before!
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time flies like an arrow .. fruit flies like a banana
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How did I escape Iraq? Iran
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How did I escape Iraq? Iran
Considering the current tensions in that region that was a very bad pun!
I was sick in Berlin, they kept calling me German!
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Found a big black spider in my car. He was weaving a web of de-seat! :emot_rotf.gif:
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The girl I'm dating was born in the Netherlands, she asked if we could go out I said sure a long as we go Dutch!
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my ex-bf still misses me .. but his aim is starting to improve
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Did you see that explicit picture of Leonardo Di Vinci giving a blowjob with a knife to his throat
They call it Rape Culture!
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i bought a boat because it was for sail
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My doctor said I’ve drink problem. I said I’ve no problem I like it.
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yesterday a clown held the door open for me .. it was such a nice jester
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See that man who collects all known precious gems, thinks he’s a rockstar
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i sued an airline company after it lost my luggage .. i lost my case
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i sued an airline company after it lost my luggage .. i lost my case
:emot_laughing.gif: Class!
Hear about the student who got straight A’s he was a class act
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when everything is coming your way .. you're in the wrong lane
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I hate when Rose comes into the shop, she’s such a prickly customer
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dyslexics are teople poo
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dyslexics are teople poo
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: Merit!
The teenage sea monster came home early in the morning, her mother was waiting up for her. "And what have you been up to all night, young lady, coming home with a mouth full of seamen?"
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how does an attorney sleep? .. first he lies on one side .. then he lies on the other
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He was a perfect choice for Montreal to draft after all he was a Canadian
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They fired me for sexual harassment. But really her ass meant nothing to me.
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you men should never forget that life without women would be a pain in the ass
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Pinnochio did what did you leave inside me- Oh you nose baby!
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A man was so worried about not getting that promotion in work, he suffered erectile dysfunction.
After a quick trip to the chemist he got that raise
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My girlfriend is an sex object -when I ask she objects!
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See the King Of Denmark visited Iceland he got a very cold reception
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He looked high and low for a pail since they said he has to Bail!
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my drug test came back negative .. my dealer sure has some explaining to do
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A pair of mens' pants says to a pair of ladies' pants on the clothesline, "So, baby, you hang out here often?"
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there was this guy who tried to change his password to penis .. but they said it was too short
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The police made him write everything down since they didn't believe his rapes weren't fictional!
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i hated my uncle .. he always said .. “sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up”
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Australian Don't have sex, Australians Mate
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i was going to tell you a joke about my vagina .. but you will never get it
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I got a job at a mall during Christmas wrapping up gifts for people. I did a pretty good job and a lot of people complimented me. My boss told me I should become a wrap artist! ;D
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i was very naive sexually .. my first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to africa for six months
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It’s a travesty he got charged for breaking and entering
He broke my jaw and forcibly entered me so why is he not done for rape
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My girlfriend attended her first baseball game, where I explained all the bases to her. After a single I told her the batter got to first base then she replied will at least someone got there today!
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I got offered a new position today, I don’t know of I can step up to the role of reverse cowgirl though
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She asked If she was believable as a pony girl and I said neighhhhhhhhhhhhh!
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In elementary school, I ran for Playground president. The campaign was a real merry-go-round, and it got pretty down and dirty in the sandbox, but it was the swing votes that helped me win!
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Talking to this Italian businessman in a bar, he said he made huge money selling Olive Oil
God knows what Popeye will say when he finds out
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i ate a clock yesterday .. it was very time-consuming
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The worker expired at the pen plant- he drowned in red ink!
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a perfectionist walked into a bar .. apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down
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a fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside
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I got a reputation for sleeping around when I was younger, I soon put those rumors to bed.
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I got a reputation for sleeping around when I was younger, I soon put those rumors to bed.
:emot_laughing.gif:
did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? it was given two consecutive sentence
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Walking in the deep woods when i hear a growl, turning there was a big black shape so i called out "Please bear with me!"
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When the window cleaner was told he done a terrible job, he lost the rag at that!
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
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i recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner .. all it was doing was gathering dust
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My uncle sadly passed away the other day. We couldn't remember his blood type that would have saved him but he seemed happy as he kept saying "Be Positive!"
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The eye doctor said his vision was great, he could see Myles
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I had a wooden boat with a wooden engine. The damn thing just wooden start!
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I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!
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Jane went to the bakery to buy buns but the handsome baker's son talked her into getting bred too!
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My girlfriend refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she's just being clothes-minded!
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i hate russian dolls .. they’re so full of themselves
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I was going to post a really good pun about chemistry, unfortunately though all the good ones argon!
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i have clean conscience .. i haven’t used it once
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I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!
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I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!
:emot_rotf.gif:
been reading up on the thesaurus lately because .. a mind is a terrible thing to garbage
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Saw the play Jesus Christ Superstar the other night, the cast really nailed it
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It's traditional in our family to always have a Christmas jumper, although I don't know why it's always my job to talk them down!!
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i ran into my ex in town yesterday .. then I ran over him .. backed up and ran into him again
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I told the girl I believed in the trust and honour system. As soon as she starts to trust me......I'll be on 'er!
So merit worthy
I had to take my taxes to a professional- I couldn't make cents of them!
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did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now
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AGBN - That's bang out of order!!
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Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
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i broke my left index finger today .. but on the other hand i am completely fine
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My girlfriend turned the heat down in the bedroom and curl up in two blankets then wonder why I woke with Blue balls!
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what do you call a cheap circumcision? .. a rip off
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I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me!
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what did the agnostic .. dyslexic .. insomniac do? he stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up!
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light travels faster than sound .. that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
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I got a job at the paint factory. My co-workers are a colorful bunch!
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when life gives you melons .. you're dyslexic
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What was the mouse’s last word before he was snapped? Cheese!!
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I went to the doctor complaining of sinus infection, ringing in my ears, a itchy nose and a sore throat, he said don't worry it's all in your head!
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I was always told never to fight a dinosaur, you'll get you Jurasskicked!
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I been told never assume for it makes an ass out of u and me!
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He was a junior officer so they put him in charge of the infantry
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I had my optometrist appointment outside since I told him I could see for miles and miles
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I was always told never to fight a dinosaur, you'll get you Jurasskicked!
:emot_rotf.gif:
if glass coffins will be a success .. remains to be seen
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Told my friend I was going fishing. He asked me if I had worms. I said, "Yes, I do but I'm going anyways."
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it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
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Sex between three people is a threesome.
Sex between four people is a foursome.
Hopefully that clarifies why people call you handsome.
:emot_rotf.gif:
last night i dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda .. but it was just a fanta sea
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Sex between three people is a threesome.
Sex between four people is a foursome.
Hopefully that clarifies why people call you handsome.
Now that's merit worthy!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
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a bus station is where the bus stops
a train station is where the train stops
in my office .. i now have a work station
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Vampires!... What a pain in the neck!
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a police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. that’s ridiculous .. my dogs don’t even own bikes
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A police officer knocked on the door and asked me if I had been a witness. I said yes a Jehovah Witness, he closed the door in my face!
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Her legs went all the way up and made an ass of themselves.
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The man who painted our house was up in court the other day, apparently he had a brush with the law
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When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
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all chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
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Don't you just hate when people tell you about what they did in the bathroom- like you give a shit about it!
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need an ark? i noah guy
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When I was young we used to play walk the plank. Why my parents couldn't have gotten a dog like the others is anyone's guess!
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the guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
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Did the voices in the head of the person who invented the vibrator here "If you invent it they will come!"
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The driver who crashed the locomotive, definitely needed more training
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The politicians never worried about losing altitude in the Balloon, they all had plenty of hot air to spout!
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a cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
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i like european food .. so i decided to russia over there because i was hungary. after czech'ing the menu i ordered turkey .. when i was finnished i told the waiter 'spain good but there is norway i could eat another bite'
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Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
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i'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience
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The feminist stormed out of the restaurant as the waiter asked did she want to see the Menu!
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what did the grape say when it got stepped on? .. nothing - but it let out a little whine
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If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail and try again!
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being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak
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kiss makes your day…But anal makes your hole weak.
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I went to a restaurant that specialized in Middle Eastern cuisine. Their sign said, "Good Food, While Kuwait!" I ordered Iraq of lamb. But it didn't agree with me so off to the washroom Iran! Apparently the chef liked to use a lot of Greece.
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the other day I tried to make a chemistry joke .. but got no reaction
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All I wanted was proof the baby was mine so i could settle a minor issue!
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the furniture store keeps calling me to come back .. but all i wanted was one night stand
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Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”
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two windmills are standing in a wind farm .. one asks “what’s your favorite kind of music?” .. the other says, “i’m a big metal fan.”
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Two germs are hanging out in a guy's stomach. One says to the other, " Get this on Youtube, I'm about to go viral."
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two fish in a tank .. one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
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Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
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what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday .. the rest are weekdays
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Just me, I love you from my head tomatoes
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what’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? a tire
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My boss needed an organ transplant but refused to get it! We hope he changes his heart about it!
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two fish in a tank .. one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
This just earned a merit! :emot_rotf.gif:
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The therapist entered the meeting of his Plastic Surgery Anonymous group. "I see a lot of new faces," he said, " and frankly I'm quite disappointed in you all."
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hear about the new restaurant called karma? .. there’s no menu - you get what you deserve
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If it's "Alcoholics Anonymous" why do you have to stand and say your name and that your an alcoholic!
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what did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
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I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
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what would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? a lawsuit
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What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
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how does moses make coffee? hebrews it
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I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
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I got so annoyed with old people pointing at me at weddings saying "You're next" that now I go and do the same to them at funerals!
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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i lost my job at the bank on my very first day .. a woman asked me to check her balance .. so I pushed her over
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Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
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Hear about the new drinking venue on the Eiffel Tower they really raised the bar with that one
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The last note in the log of the Titanic- ran out of ice!
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atoms are untrustworthy little critters .. they make up everything
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I can't understand Ions- one time they're positive the next ones are negative!
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i'm on a seafood diet .. every time I see food .. i eat it
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A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
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someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on
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Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
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I got a job at a dairy farm. I milked it for all it was worth.
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Do you want to come back to mine for a drink? No Pub intended
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i started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats .. prophets are going through the roof
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i started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats .. prophets are going through the roof
Wow.........Merit for sure.
Why was the Apple in trouble after the next nine months , because he came in cider.
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i’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet .. i just don’t know why
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I wouldn't mind being a trumpet......they get blown a lot.
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The skeleton knew what would happen next—he could just feel it in his bones.
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how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10-tickles
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I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
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My computer wasn't working so I called up my IT guy. He said, "Have you tried re-booting?" I said, "I've kicked it against the wall five times now, how many more times should I do it?" :emot_rotf.gif:
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My computer wasn't working so I called up my IT guy. He said, "Have you tried re-booting?" I said, "I've kicked it against the wall five times now, how many more times should I do it?" :emot_rotf.gif:
Lol very good Vile8r merit in order I think!
Do you notice how hard that light beam is when they get turned on.
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When i went in for my annual check-up the doctor asks how i was, my reply was mostly good but Liverwurst!
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what superlative did robert e. lee win in high school? most likely to secede
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what superlative did robert e. lee win in high school? most likely to secede
That would have been more a Jefferson Davies thing than Robert E Lee
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My pet fish isn't too bright. He dropped out of school.
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how did the native americans get to america first? they had reservations
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Had unprotected sex in my ear now I have hearing aids
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Had unprotected sex in my ear now I have hearing aids
:emot_rotf.gif: That's a merit!
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How to catch an elephant: Dig a big hole and fill it full of ashes. Take a can of peas and sprinkle them all around the edge of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, you sneak up behind and kick him in the ash!
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Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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why was king arthur’s army too tired to fight? all of those sleepless knights
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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
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Here of this Master Baiter? His name was Hands Solo.
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I wheelie love my bike!
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My bike was possessed by demons. I couldn't get rid of it or they'd kill me. It became a vicious cycle.
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I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed
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whiteboards are pretty re-markable
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Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them..
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napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore .. but he did have a hand in it
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I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed
:emot_rotf.gif: Merit!
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Two cellphones got married. The wedding ceremony was good, but the reception was even better!
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the male pig puts everyone to sleep .. you might say he’s quite a boar
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I burnt the Turkey and the side dishes- it made it a fowl meal!
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Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them..
But you are positive about it.
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When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, his wife said, "Yeah, another of your bright ideas!"
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Caught my mum and the postman doing it on the stairs, he’s now my step father
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6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
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Did you here about the ex clown running for President, that will create a media circus
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what do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? a complete waist of time
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what do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? a complete waist of time
Brilliant! :emot_laughing.gif:
I Don’t like rape jokes, my laughter was very forced
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Yesterday my refrigerator was running. Today it's just sitting along the wall in the kitchen. Must have wore itself out.
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the guy who invented throat lozenges died last week .. there was no coffin at the funeral
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I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number
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what do you call children who are born in a whorehouse? brothel sprouts
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Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They’re always raisinet.
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Why was the hedgehog kicked out of the pub?
He was caught spiking the drinks
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Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
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My dog is hooked on drugs. He's a meth lab. emot_omfg.gif
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what did the mermaid wear to math class? an algae-bra
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While eating his Frosted Flakes the shipper was asked what those are, confused as to what they were asking he cried out "The CRATES!"
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i like bowling .. seriously, it’s right up my alley
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Q: Are monsters good at math?
A: No, unless you Count Dracula.
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my ipad makes me fall asleep .. i can't help it .. there’s a nap for that
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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I thought he must be plotting something.
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you know what really bugs me? insect puns
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hey I'll have know that I'm not fat just a little husky!
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why did the mathematician work from home? because he could only function in his domain
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I was going to become a farmer, but I had poor land. You couldn't even raise a fuss on it.
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Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!
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The strawberry called his buddy. "You gotta come help me, man! I'm in a real jam!"
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i accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night .. my dreams have never been clearer
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Went Skiing in South America it was Chile
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the past .. the present .. and the future walk into a bar. it was tense
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A old termite walked into a bar and asked "Where was the bar tender?"
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how did the picture end up in jail? .. it was framed
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I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
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The police quickly found the thief who stole my front door. It was an open and shut case!
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The police had camera stolen from the evidence locker, no one could picture how!
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you really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math .. it's easy as pi
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
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what did the hamburger name it's baby? .. patty
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I dropped a heavy box on my foot. Called 911 and they said they'd send a toe truck over right away.
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why was the baby ant confused? because all his uncles were ants
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I saw my friend in a large crowded room and called out “Hi Jack”. The airport police weren’t impressed
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my boyfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti .. you should've seen his face when i drove pasta
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I saw a chameleon in my backyard. I tried to kick it but missed and kicked a tree and broke my toe. I guess it was a karma chameleon.
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coffee has a rough time in our house .. it gets mugged every single morning
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“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
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what did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? .. put it on my bill
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Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…But he did have a hand in it.
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I got a job at the battery factory. Some days it was positive, other days it was negative.
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whenever I undress in the bathroom .. my shower gets turned on
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If anyone knows a real good fish pun let minnow!
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my parents said i can't drink coffee anymore .. or else they'll ground me
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I saw a kidnapping today but I didn't wake him up!
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just because we had the subject of limericks yesterday .. here is a limerick pun
i'm the very best cook of the group ..
i can poach .. i can scoop cantaloupe ..
i can also roast beef ..
without any grief ..
but i'm damned if i'm gonna pee soup
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The girl I was chatting with on RU was asking too many questions so I logged off. Curiosity killed the chat.
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who is the penguin's favorite aunt? aunt-arctica
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I hollered out there robin red breast then she put her bra back on!
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i once met a pig that did karate .. we called him pork chop
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As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
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I got a job hauling cases of gin to Asia by ship. I was on the sloe boat to China.
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my husband refuses to go to a nude beach with me .. i think he's just being clothes-minded
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
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the quickest way to make antifreeze? .. just steal her blanket
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I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
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did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in france? .. there was nothing left but de brie
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Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
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i'm no cheetah .. you're lion
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Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
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three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .. you can't tell me that's just a coincidence
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Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
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never date someone cross-eyed .. you'll always catch them seeing other people on the side
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Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.
-
what did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? .. "hey .. close the door .. i'm dressing"
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The dentists and manicurists didn't get alone they were constantly fighting tooth and nail!
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how can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? it's not hard
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I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
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My wife said, "To be frank, our marriage hasn't been working for a long time."
"You're right," I agreed. "And who the fuck is Frank?"
-
how do you make a good egg-roll? .. you push it down a hill
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Whoever came up with the term "Dentures" really missed the opportunity to call then "Substitooths!"
-
What to do in Quarantine? Sit back and listen to the WHO
-
apple is designing a new automatic car .. but they're having trouble installing windows
-
The banana turned black and the other fruit kicked him out of the bowl. They found him un-a-peeling!
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I didn't like my beard at first then it grew on me!
-
that baseball player was such a bad sport .. first he stole third base and then he just went home
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Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on!
-
what do you call an overweight psychic? .. a four-chin teller
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A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame!
-
two egotists started a fight .. it was an i for an i
-
You know that broken pencils are pointless!
-
i wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning .. but I mist my chance. i guess I could dew it tomorrow
-
People self-quarantining in Germany are hoarding sausage and cheese. Authorities say it's a wurst case scenario.
-
The person at the cheese counter said I know it's cheesy but I feel grate!
-
what should you call an average potato? .. a commen-tator!
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There's a thin line between a nominator and denominator but only a fraction of people would know that!
-
I got a job at a cannabis greenhouse. My boss told me, "Around here, we either do things my way or the high way!"
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Dogs Can't operate MRI machines but Catscan
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my dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type .. his last words to us were .. "be positive"
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I have a job crushing Pop cans- It's soda pressing!
-
i bought some shoes on the drug black market .. i don't know what they're laced with .. but I've been tripping all day
-
The crew of the Starship Enterprise went camping in Yellowstone National Park. One day the park ranger came to their campsite and lectured them about not properly extinguishing their campfire when they went to bed the night before. "You know," he said, "It only takes one Spock to start a forest fire!"
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did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? .. he was lucky it was a soft drink
-
Be Positive No Matter Watt
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My days of a ladies' man are over. Nowadays the only thing I can get turned on in my house is my TV! :emot_rotf.gif:
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It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers!
-
bad puns .. it's how eye roll
-
I was trying to get my pilot's licence. The instructor told me it was time for me to take my solo flight. So I did. I flew so low I almost crashed into a bridge!
-
why did the grizzly hate this game? .. he can't bear puns
-
I ate four cans of Alphaghetti and just had me the biggest vowel movement of my life!
-
the first computer dates back to adam and eve .. it was an apple with limited memory .. just one byte .. and then everything crashed
-
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
-
about a month before he died .. my uncle had his back covered in lard. after that .. he went down hill fast
-
Merits awarded to both Graham and Just me for making me laugh so hard! :emot_rotf.gif:
At the news conference, the prison warden announced the death row convict would be executed by hanging later that evening. "He'll be on the six o'clock noose!"
-
i'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie .. but there are just too many holes in the plot
-
The job of a mortician is to make you feel drop dead gorgeous.
-
i just found an origami porn channel .. but it is paper view only
-
If you rush a decapitation, you’ll get a head of yourself
-
my husband tried to make me have sex on the hood of his honda civic .. i refused! if i'm going to have sex on a car .. it's going to be on my own accord
-
Now that's a merit!
Dr Pepper was hurt , he was a salted with a deadly weapon!
-
did you hear about the depressed plumber? he's been going through some real shit
-
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
-
The steam shovel operator had to file for bankruptcy. He dug himself into a hole he couldn't get out of.
-
if you cross an owl and a rooster .. you get a cock that stays up all night
-
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea
-
virginity is like a soap bubble .. one prick and it is gone
-
The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction
-
friends are like boobs .. some big .. some small .. some real .. some fake
-
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards
-
i'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet .. so far i've got twelve fridges
-
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
-
why was the horse so happy? because he lived in a stable environment
-
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
-
I used to live next door to a goat farm. It was tiring having to holler everyday, "Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!"
-
in democracy .. it's your vote that counts. in feudalism .. it's your count that votes
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I used to live next door to a goat farm. It was tiring having to holler everyday, "Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!"
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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Not sure about this....my cousin told me he was going to school to learn to become a taxidermist. I asked him, "What is a taxidermist?"
He said,"Well, we mount dead animals!" I said, "You sick bastard!" emot_omfg.gif
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Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.
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i had a job tying sausages together .. but I couldn't make ends meet
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I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
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I am so poor I can't even pay respect! :emot_rotf.gif:
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an opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
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It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
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television is a medium because anything well done is rare
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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
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i made a graph of my past relationships .. it has an ex axis and a why axis
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
-
cells multiply by dividing
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I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
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why is a bra singular and panties plural?
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
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i was addicted to the hokey pokey .. but thankfully i turned myself around
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My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
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thanks for explaining the word "many" to me .. it means a lot
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What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
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“doctor .. there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." .. "well, tell him I can't see him right now."
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I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."
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don't spell part backwards .. it's a trap
-
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
-
a mexican magician was doing a magic trick .. he said .. uno .. dose .. and he disappeared without a trace
-
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
-
how did i escape iraq? iran
-
What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.
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i just found out I'm colorblind .. the diagnosis came completely out of the purple
-
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."
-
i got a new pair of gloves today .. but they're both 'lefts' which .. on the one hand is great .. but on the other it's just not right
-
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
q: what do you call the security outside of a samsung store? a: guardians of the galaxy
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Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
-
my boyfriend told me he was leaving me because i keep pretending to be a transformer. i said "no .. wait! i can change"
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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?
-
atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers
-
Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14
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Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14
:emot_rotf.gif: that one merit earned
i just burned 2,000 calories .. that's the last time i leave brownies in the oven while I nap
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Prince Charles is at home with Covid-19, Prince Andrew is in Balmoral with Jennifer, 14
That is SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOO wrong! and earns you a merit
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".
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why was cinderella thrown off the basketball team? she ran away from the ball
-
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
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How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
:emot_rotf.gif: .. a merit .. as soon as i can
to the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero .. thanks for nothing
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Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
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Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
your girlfriend is smart :emot_thumbsup.gif:
i'm emotionally constipated .. i haven't given a shit in days
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
-
r.i.p boiled water .. you will be mist
-
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".
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They call them parking lots......but there's never lots of parking!
-
claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box
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My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.
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what happens when frogs park illegally? they get toad
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What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
-
most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent i am as an electrician
-
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
-
if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea .. does that mean that one enjoys it?
-
My grandfather wasn't a big fan of his Stair lift machine, he claimed that it drove him up the wall!
-
A scientist built a robotic dog. It's bark was worse than its bytes!
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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
-
my husband likes it when i blow air on him when he's hot .. but honestly .. i'm not a fan
-
Maybe it's not global warming. Maybe it's just planetary menopause.
-
i couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang .. but eventually it came back to me
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If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
-
if a short psychic broke out of jail .. then you'd have a small medium at large
-
My boss called the police when he couldn't find his bad, they found it at the bottom of the stairs, it was a briefcase!
-
a courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason .. details are sketchy
-
The most sophisticated bread is always the upper crust.
-
my boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture .. i have a hunch it might be me
-
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
-
why do the french eat snails? they don't like fast food
-
I watched a really sad porn film the other day - it was a real tear-jerker.
-
Checked out that fan fiction wow, it blew me away
-
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
-
i bought a dictionary and when I got home i realized all the pages were blank .. i have no words for how angry i am
-
Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
-
They say a lot of the food people buy goes to waste. A lot of the food I buy goes to my waist. :emot_rotf.gif:
-
My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!
-
They say a lot of the food people buy goes to waste. A lot of the food I buy goes to my waist. :emot_rotf.gif:
sooo true .. and so cruel .. merit for this
what did e.t.'s mother say to him when he got home? "where on earth have you been?!"
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My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back. Seems a little far fetched.
-
i was raped by a group of mimes .. they did unspeakable things to me
-
i was raped by a group of mimes .. they did unspeakable things to me
Now there has to be a way to make that image into a story! merit earned for the image!
The farmer stopped repairing the roof of the chicken coop- he was tired of coming home tarred and feathered!
-
why doesn't any man need more than one rooster? a cock a dude'll do
-
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
-
Last night I met my boyfriend at the front door wearing only my most sexy lingerie. He wasn't very happy though, I was coming home!
-
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
-
I'm starting a new business. A small grocery store where everything is stored on the top shelves. I'm calling it an inconvenience store!
-
After tuning up my car I came in and grabbed my girlfriend and told her I was going to top up her fluids!- she slapped me!
-
as a nurse at the sperm bank i asked him if he'd like to masturbate in a cup. he said "i'm pretty good .. but i don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
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I told my girlfriend I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
-
have you ever had sex while camping? .. it's fucking intents
-
"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over."
-
A boat carrying a load of mentally challenged tourists ran aground on the Amazon River. All of the tourists were captured by a tribe of cannibals. "Oooooh!" said the chief's wife. "Hey kids! Tonight we get vegetable soup!"
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A boat carrying a load of mentally challenged tourists ran aground on the Amazon River. All of the tourists were captured by a tribe of cannibals. "Oooooh!" said the chief's wife. "Hey kids! Tonight we get vegetable soup!"
merit earned for this ultra wrong pun!
The confused cannibal served the soup with the meat still in clothing, he didn't understand why the rest complained that there was a fly in the soup!
-
a hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp .. the police are looking into it
-
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
-
me: "remember when i rubbed you out?" genie: "don't say it like that"
-
I went to a seafood restaurant and slipped. I pulled a mussel.
-
sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off
-
Masturbation is a touchy subject!
-
i thought i understood the meaning of "when pigs fly" but then .. the swine flu
-
I’m an archeologists and my life is in ruins
-
i hate spelling errors .. you mix up two letters and your whole pun is urined
-
my girlfriend was mad at me for eating some of her baked good, I just told her that she had muffin on me!
-
I had to leave church the other day as they started praying to chickens, ducks and geese. There's no way I'm worshipping poultry God's.
-
the early bird might get the worm .. but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese
-
We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!” She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”
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my grandfather tried to warn them about the titanic. he screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink .. but all they did was throw him out of the theater
-
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
-
did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in france? he was in sein
-
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
-
I out my hand in a mail slot and found a letter. I put my hand in a female slot and got arrested! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
-
the therapist asked my husband why he wanted to end our marriage .. he said he hated all the constant starwars puns. i looked at the therapist and said .. "divorce is strong with this one!"
-
Elvis didn’t like the present the Ewoks sent him. He wrote on it “Return to Endor”
-
I was tired so I laid down with my large-titted girlfriend. I wanted some breast and relaxation!
-
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
-
i got lots of presents this christmas .. in fact i was so good .. santa came twice
-
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.
-
definition of vagina - the box a penis comes in
-
definition of vagina - the box a penis comes in
Merit awarded!
Sam passed on dinner tonight he wasn't into cock soup!
-
The yoga instructor was arrested for murder. Police said it was pre-meditated!
-
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
-
he was sexually active at 12 .. it's now 12:31 and his arm is killing him
-
My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
-
I got a job working at a market garden. It was horrible! The boss paid me a monthly celery, docked me pay when I would turnip late, told me he was going to beet me because I wanted to cauliflower a cabbage, and was always asking me where I'd bean and he wouldn't lettuce pea in the corn patch.
-
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
-
masturbation is a touchy subject while oral sex is just a matter of taste
-
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
-
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed
-
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
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The blonde called up the tech support hotline for her new computer. "What's the issue?" the tech asked her. "My computer isn't working," she complained. "I turn on Windows but I don't see anything outside!"
-
my boss touched me inappropriately at work today .. it's okay though .. i'm self-employed
Now that earns a merit! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
I was so sad and crying when I lost my Playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
-
if he was addicted to masturbation .. and then became addicted to sex .. would it be safe to say that his addiction got out of hand?
-
The Pimp fired his top prostitute when she fell pregnant, he couldn’t deal with her whore moans.
-
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-
I have an addiction. I'm hooked on drinking brake fluid. But it's not too bad, I mean I can stop real easy!
-
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
-
why are men like coffee? the best ones are rich .. hot .. and can keep me up all night
-
They called my sister Butter, her legs were easy to spread.
-
what's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? the letter F
-
what's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? the letter F
Another merit for that!
-
a waist is a terrible thing to mind
-
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-
i once dated a mime .. i hope i left him with a good impression
-
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
-
i called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea .. my boss told me to get my shit together
-
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
-
the seminar "how to avoid fraud" is canceled .. tickets are non-refundable
-
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
-
we shouldn't make fun of fat people because they already have enough on their plate
-
My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!
-
my husband has left me because of my obsession with pasta .. i'm feeling cannelloni right now
-
Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.
-
Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart? :emot_rotf.gif:
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Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart? :emot_rotf.gif:
merit awarded! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
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Is buttcheeks one word or should they be spread apart? :emot_rotf.gif:
merit awarded! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
and another merit from me :emot_booty.gif:
i've never been very good at geography .. but i can name at least one city in france .. which is nice
-
I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up.
-
I told my friend I wasn't going to drink with him anymore. He gets me in too much trouble. I said, "Go away Ryan Pepsi!"
-
english is weird .. it can be understood through tough thorough thought though
-
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
-
i was going to give him a nasty look .. but he already had one
-
If a blind girl says "you have a really big dick!", she might be pulling your leg! ;)
-
If a blind girl says "you have a really big dick!", she might be pulling your leg! ;)
:emot_laughing.gif: brilliant .. and worth a merit :emot_rotf.gif:
i just got a job as senior executive officer at old mcdonald's farm. i'm the c-i-ei-o
-
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
-
i always wanted to marry an archeologist. the older i would get .. the more interested he would become
-
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
-
give a man a gun and he will rob a bank .. give a man a bank and he will rob everyone
-
My girlfriend likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.
-
a garage sale is actually a garbage sale but the "b" is silent
-
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
-
The doctor told me I was overweight. "Obesity runs in my family," I said. "No," he replied, "the problem is NO one runs in your family!"
-
If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
-
doctor: "ma’am .. i'm afraid your dna is backwards." me: "and?"
-
doctor: "ma’am .. i'm afraid your dna is backwards." me: "and?"
merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
-
I was told I really suck at blowjobs
-
i own a pencil that used to be owned by william shakespeare .. but he chewed it a lot. now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B
-
I was told I really suck at blowjobs
Must call you out on that- that seems like a panel of judges is needed to determine that! Of course I for one will be the head judge to determine if that is true!
I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.
-
I was told I really suck at blowjobs
Must call you out on that- that seems like a panel of judges is needed to determine that! Of course I for one will be the head judge to determine if that is true!
I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.
If I didn’t merit you today for a chapter I’d merit you for that, it made me chuckle lol
My BF said he’d spread his seed over my breasts. I was impressed he knew anything about Whore-Tit-Culture
-
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
-
my ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. if only i had known about his history of violins
-
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
-
i have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed .. never whelmed properly
-
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
-
chinese takeaway - $ 27.50 .. gas to get there - $ 3.25 .. getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers .. riceless
-
I got Chinese take-out one day and the bag was really heavy. No wonder, I had ordered wonton soup!
-
my midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony .. he kept getting his nose in everyone's hair
-
A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.
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The blonde was leaving on her date. Her mother asked her why she was carrying the cat. The blonde shrugged and said, "Well my boyfriend told me if he didn't get to see some pussy tonight we were through!"
-
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.
-
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.
:emot_laughing.gif: .. now that is worth a merit
did you hear about the man who wore two jackets when she painted the house? the instructions on the can said: "put on two coats"
-
This morning I found a hole in my boxes of cornflakes and coco pops, with a sticky substance mixed in the contents
It was only then I realized my boyfriend was a cereal rapist.
remind me never have breakfast at your place! :emot_rotf.gif:
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-
After being caught in the rain I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini
-
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
-
I should be arrested for being a mass murderer. At work over the years, I've killed a LOT of time!
-
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
-
can february march? no .. but april may
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PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
-
i used to be addicted to soap .. but I'm clean now
-
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
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my boss told me to have a good day .. so i went home
-
I'm putting all my John Lennon memorabilia up for sale just Imagine all of the paypals
-
why don’t i argue with you? i don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed
-
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
-
what do you call people who are afraid of santa claus? claustrophobic
-
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." the doctor replies "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
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got my boyfriend a "get better soon" card .. he's not sick .. i just think he could be better
-
"Waitress, there's a hair in my soup," the man complained. "That's not possible," the blonde waitress replied. "We don't even serve rabbit soup here."
-
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
-
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
Lol merit!!!
I told my boyfriend I was now a social influ-encer , so he sprayed me with sanitizer and is now in self isolation.
-
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
-
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life
-
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life
:emot_rotf.gif: Merit
Came back from the amusement park in tears, it was an emotional rollercoaster.
-
my hubby overdosed on viagra once .. that was the hardest day of his life
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit from me also!
I'd call someone pregnant "totally fucked".
-
i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
-
My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on the sand.
-
"Have you drank much today, sir?" the police officer asked me. "Hmmmm, let me think," I slurred. "Today I've drank beer, vodka, whiskey and tequila, but nope! Haven't drank any much!"
-
The boss wanted us to stay at work, so he installed an electric fence, we were all shocked when we tried to leave!
-
I saw a transvestite in high heels and the tightest shortest skirt ever.
I thought “showed a lot of balls to wear that”
-
I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass. I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.
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Oops my tights/pantyhose laddered they are on their last legs now
-
fat penguin! sorry .. i just wanted to say something that breaks the ice
-
Good Fashion is in my jeans
-
i got a part in a movie called "cocaine" .. i only have one line though
-
I met this man, he’s a janitor, really swept me off my feet.
-
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
-
my new lover works at the zoo. i think he is a keeper
-
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
-
I've been cast in a new movie called Adventures at the Sandwich Shop. I play the hero!
-
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
-
doctor's are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable
-
I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows
-
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive. :emot_rotf.gif:
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my first job was working in an orange juice factory .. but i got canned: couldn't concentrate
-
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive. :emot_rotf.gif:
Merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
-
I stuck a Viagra pill inside my old computer. Wanted to turn my floppy disk drive into a hard drive. :emot_rotf.gif:
A standing laughing applause and merit!
See that French clothing saleswoman, she was going Dior to Dior.
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right
-
i met a man with a really big dick .. in fact his dick was so big .. it wasn’t a dick at all .. it was a richard
-
i met a man with a really big dick .. in fact his dick was so big .. it wasn’t a dick at all .. it was a richard
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
-
My grocery store has a new rule now. If you buy a head of cabbage you also to have buy carrots and mayonnaise. It's called Cole's Law!
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My grocery store has a new rule now. If you buy a head of cabbage you also to have buy carrots and mayonnaise. It's called Cole's Law!
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit!!
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
-
I ended up in this fight with another woman over a well endowed man
Most people called it a catfight, I called it the Battle of The Bulge
-
I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
-
hmmmm .. so you like big dick jokes .. ok .. here's another one from mrs. maisel
what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks have in common? .. they're hard to find and incredibly lucky
-
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.
-
his dick was so big .. even when he cheated on me .. his dick was the bigger dick
-
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
-
my math teacher called me average .. how mean!
-
I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."
-
confucius say .. man who runs behind car will get exhausted. but man who runs in front of car will get tired
-
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
-
to write with a broken pencil is pointless
-
I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.
-
i ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup .. it was won ton
-
Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is!
-
why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? it was two tired
-
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
-
did you hear about these new reversible jackets? i'm excited to see how they turn out
-
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
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In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
:emot_rotf.gif:
what did one eye say to the other eye? .. between you and me something smells
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In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.
:emot_rotf.gif:
what did one eye say to the other eye? .. between you and me something smells
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
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did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? .. it took him forever to get out
-
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
-
for halloween we dressed up as almonds .. everyone thought we were nuts
-
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
-
why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? because he was always spotted
-
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
-
My friend keeps boasting about her BFs huge cumshots
Talk about rubbing it in!
-
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
-
why do seagulls fly over the sea? because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
-
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-
How did the Jewish guy make his coffee? Hebrewed it!
-
the eternal flame went out during the service
-
They say a lab in Wuhan started Coronavirus, surely that’s Chinese whispers
-
with great reflexes comes great response ability
-
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
-
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
when i lose the tv controller .. it's always hidden in some remote destination
-
I used to be in to S&M, bestiality and necrophilia…But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
-
i used to be a banker .. but then i lost interest
-
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
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What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
god that is awful .. sad .. true .. but awful :emot_weird.gif:
what do you call a laughing motorcycle? a yamahahaha
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was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock!"
"Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!"
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What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
Oh my gosh!!!!
My immigrant friend asked me to suggest a film to better her English so I suggested Aliens
-
i was born to be a pessimist .. my blood type is b negative
-
Hiding a bomb under a skirt seemed a good idea until it just blew up
-
while most puns make me feel numb .. mathematic puns make me feel number
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
-
Call me a polar explorer as I was kissing down my boyfriends chest until I found the South Pole
-
my fear of moving stairs escalates
-
What should you do if you come across an elephant? Apologize and wipe it off.
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what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
-
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
-
A copy of "The Devine Comedy" fell on My foot....
Now it hurts like HELL!!.........
Tony V. :police:
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A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."
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son: "mom .. can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" .. mom: "no sun."
-
Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.
-
my doctor’s office has two doctors on call at all times .. is that considered a pair a docs
-
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
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i am so poor i can't even pay attention
-
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances. The police suspect fowl play.
-
what do sea monsters eat for lunch? fish and ships
-
Enough of the gay jokes… cum on guys.
-
what do you call watson when sherlock isn't around? holmeless
-
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
-
I ran into a tree with my car. As I sat in my wrecked car a policeman walked up and asked if I was okay, "Yes but I don't look too good."
He said,"You look all right to me, I see no blood anywhere. I do smell alcohol though. I'm going to ask you to get out of the car."
"Okay, sir, as soon as I get my cane out of the backseat."
"Your cane?"
"Yes, I'm blind!"
"You're blind?"
"Hey, I said I don't look too good!"
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no matter how much you push the envelope .. it'll still be stationery
-
I ran into a tree with my car. As I sat in my wrecked car a policeman walked up and asked if I was okay, "Yes but I don't look too good."
He said,"You look all right to me, I see no blood anywhere. I do smell alcohol though. I'm going to ask you to get out of the car."
"Okay, sir, as soon as I get my cane out of the backseat."
"Your cane?"
"Yes, I'm blind!"
"You're blind?"
"Hey, I said I don't look too good!"
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
I came out only to be told I was marvelous, a good person and a joy to live you, I loved getting a shower of praise after coming out of the bathroom!
-
fishermen are reel men
-
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like? A: Depends
-
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like? A: Depends
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_laughing.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: .. merit!!!!
i had a neck brace fitted years ago and i've never looked back since
-
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
-
i'm trying to date a philosophy professor .. but he doesn't know if i exist or not
-
Man walks up to 3 nuns and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun doesn’t even touch him.
-
Man walks up to 3 nuns and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun doesn’t even touch him.
:emot_rotf.gif:
when is a door not a door? when it's ajar
-
Q: What’s 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick? A: A motorcycle.
-
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. so they toss the 4th cigarette overboard .. which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter
-
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. so they toss the 4th cigarette overboard .. which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:-merit!
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
-
i worked in the woods as a lumberjack .. but i just couldn't hack it .. so they gave me the ax
-
I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
-
the doctor told her patient to stop using a q-tips .. but it went in one ear and out the other
-
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
-
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
:emot_rotf.gif: merit again
what do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? a father in law
-
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango
-
I wanted to let people know my pet skunk had his stink glands removed so I hung a sign around his tail that said "Out of Odor"
-
I wanted to let people know my pet skunk had his stink glands removed so I hung a sign around his tail that said "Out of Odor"
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: merit :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
I told the girlfriend I was going trolling with friends, she took both my smart phone and tablet away from me!
-
someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick .. how low can you go?
-
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
-
a plateau is the highest form of flattery
-
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
-
finally got around to watching back to the future .. it's about time
-
finally got around to watching back to the future .. it's about time
Okay that was a bad one!
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
-
if there was someone selling drugs in this place .. weed know
-
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
-
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
:emot_rotf.gif: A merit for that Graham!
-
I made some dandelion wine. All I did was step on it! What a baby!
-
hackers brought down my online business but i managed to keep the website address .. and that's domain thing
-
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
-
what do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? a telepathetic
-
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
-
one bird can't make a pun .. but toucan
-
The professor kept me after class and told me I needed to be more attentive.
"Geez! This education thing is getting expensive," I said. "First I had to pay tuition, then I had to pay for textbooks, then I had to pay rent for a dorm room.....NOW you tell me I gotta pay attention too?"
-
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
-
a criminal’s best asset is his lie ability
-
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
-
weight loss pills stolen this morning .. police say suspects are still at large
-
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
-
today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool .. so i gave him a glass of water
-
A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum. The doctors described his condition as stable.
-
two antennas met on a roof .. fell in love and got married. the ceremony wasn't much .. but the reception was excellent
-
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
-
if at first you don't succeed .. skydiving is not for you
-
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner.
-
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it
-
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it
Lol merit!
I always wanted a man with a sixpack So I went to the off license and brought him home one
-
it's not that he didn't know how to juggle .. he just didn't have the balls for it
Lol merit!
I always wanted a man with a sixpack So I went to the off license and brought him home one
Merit to both of you :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
I was sitting out on my balcony hoping to her the birds, man their song has changed during this pandemic instead of tweet, I hear "Why don't you get off that fucking Tweeter!"
-
i didn't marry the gardener .. too rough around the hedges
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
-
The male nurse got arrested seems as he got confused when they said take the temperature digitally
-
a boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
-
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
-
there's a new type of broom out .. it's sweeping the nation
-
I went on a blind date and ended up walking into a lamppost
-
I went on a blind date and ended up walking into a lamppost
:emot_rotf.gif: .. merit as soon as i can again
germans prefer houses with basements .. in fact .. they're best cellars!
-
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
-
How do funeral directors get their tips? They urn them.
-
i put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend .. my neighbor is dead against it
-
I broke up with my girlfriend because she only wanted one in her hand saying it was better than two in the bush!
-
for fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible
-
If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos, I call that my tit for tat deal!
-
Don’t ever ask a Scotsman why is he wearing a skirt! You’ll end up being kilt.
-
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
-
Now for the Jehovah Case, Witness take the stand!
-
Atheists, are a non-prophet organization
-
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
-
I got a job at a one hour photo shop. Didn't take long for me to develop a negative attitude.
-
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
-
Hear the joke about the one legged limbo dancer, I mean how low can you get?
-
I had a bad day yesterday I broke the fingers on my left hand, now today I'm all right!
-
I enjoy my job as a seamstress you could say I’ve life all sewn up
-
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
-
Koala bears are not real bears. They don't have the koalifications.
-
Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is!
-
That umbrella salesman is one shady character
-
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
-
My ex boyfriend and a slinky have a lot in common. They're both great fun to watch falling down a flight of stairs!!!
-
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
-
In the bathroom, you bathe, in the bedroom, you go to bed, in the dining room, you dine, so why, in the living room, does everyone act like they're dead?
-
I won a globe in a geography quiz when I was young. It meant the world to me
-
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
-
Why did nine ants get to live in an apartment for free? Because they're not tenants.
-
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
-
How do crazy people find their way through the forest? They use the psycho path! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
How do crazy people find their way through the forest? They use the psycho path! :emot_rotf.gif:
merit worthy!
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
-
In the early 2000s there was a TV sitcom on ABC network called "Hope and Faith". It starred Kelly Ripa and Faith Ford. The show was on the air for about four seasons. After it was cancelled, the network was going to produce a spinoff, featuring just the character of Faith, played by Kelly Ripa, and there would be no Hope. They were going to call it "Faith is Hopeless"!
-
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
-
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Now that is merit-worthy!!!! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
I had some good puns concerning kleptomaniacs but someone stole them all.
-
I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy about it but left without making a scene.
-
My sister's nickname was Butter. All the boys said her legs were easy to spread.
-
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
-
Women are like stones. The flat ones get skipped!
-
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-
It was a hard marathon race and I came in last! Ohhhh the pain of de feet!
-
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
-
My grandfather served in the war and survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks. He came home a seasoned veteran!
-
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
-
Why did the baker go to the bank? He kneaded some dough! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
-
Police figured the break-in at the door factory would be an open-and-shut case.
-
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
-
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
-
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
-
I got a job with the fire department washing dirty hose. My mother said, "Can't them women clean themselves?"
-
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
-
I still miss my ex-wife. I should get a rifle with a better scope.
-
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
-
My son wants to work at a funeral home, but I'm trying to discourage him from it. It's a dying business.
-
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
-
The lawyer couldn't get anyone to help him in the clothing store. He kept saying he was looking for a lawsuit.
-
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
-
I was on an airplane when the pilot announced the plane was running out of fuel. "OH my God!" the man sitting beside me screamed out. "How far can we fly with no fuel?"
"I'm figuring all the way to the crash site," I said.
-
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
-
Apparently, the U.S. Treasury is thinking people are hoarding their spare change during the Covid-19 pandemic. They are seeing a shortage of common cents!
-
Canada eliminated the penny, headlines around the world said "Canada loses their Common Cents!"
-
Scientists have discovered an alien race that they have nicknamed the Hemorrhoids as they have theorized they are based on Uranus.
-
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-
How did the police know the guy who committed suicide was Jewish?
He was shot in the temple.
-
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
-
How did the chicken cross the road? She rode in the Hen-di-van!
-
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
-
Johnny Depp is doing a new Jack Sparrow movie in which he finds a large cache of fool's gold. It's to be called Pyrites of the Caribbean.
-
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
-
I trained a wolf to meditate. Now he's an aware-wolf!
-
I trained a wolf to meditate. Now he's an aware-wolf!
Now that worth a merit!
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
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I was disappointed in the picture I took of a wheatfield. It looked so grainy.
-
Police are investigating who took my toilet bowl but so far they have nothing to go on!
-
The police arrested me for playing this game. I'm being sentenced to five years in a federal pun-itentiary!
-
I was convicted of multi 'pun'-ishable offenses!
-
The pizza man tried to chat me up, his pick up lines were so cheesy
-
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
-
There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France. Da brie littered the street!
-
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
-
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
-
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
-
The clown took his car to the repair shop. "What's wrong with it?" asked the mechanic. The clown replied, "It's making a funny sound."
-
It started with the words “I couldn’t feel half my face” I put it down I don’t read stroke stories.
-
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles!
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What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles!
Very good and merit for that!!!
He went to Scotland to chase skirt but ended up getting kilt.
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What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles!
Very good and merit for that!!!
He went to Scotland to chase skirt but ended up getting kilt.
I think that one deserves a merit! LOL!
-
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?
Annette! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?
Annette! :emot_rotf.gif:
So bad that earns a merit
Billy Squire and Graham Carter can both boast that both have had a major hit with a "Stroke"!
-
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?
Annette! :emot_rotf.gif:
So bad that earns a merit
Billy Squire and Graham Carter can both boast that both have had a major hit with a "Stroke"!
THAT is worth a merit! Good one Graham!
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The reverend retired from preaching but he wanted to start his own business. So he opened a shoe repair shop. The sign outside read, "Come on in! I save soles!"
-
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.
-
What did one battery say to the other battery?
"Here comes that set of booster cables again. Watch him, he's always getting something started!"
-
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
-
Is this Portaloo for sale?
No it’s toilet
-
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
-
When I was 20 I got a police record. Walking On The Moon
-
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
-
I farted in Burger King. It was a whopper!
-
I farted in Burger King. It was a whopper!
merit as long as you don't claim the fries look like maggots!
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
-
The other day I squirted ketchup in my eyes. It was a stupid thing to do in Heinzsight.
-
hell i spend a few days trying to write a Halloween Story for the story Contest but the content scared the living hell out of me!
-
The other day I squirted ketchup in my eyes. It was a stupid thing to do in Heinzsight.
Merit for the love of god :emot_rotf.gif:
Yesterday I picked up some Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Is there anything that Richard Branson doesn’t sell
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My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun.
-
What happened when the toilet paper tried to cross the street? It got stuck in a crack! :emot_laughing.gif:
-
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards!
!
-
he didn’t want to use his boat for smuggling but gave into pier pressure
-
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
-
What do you call an uplifting bee? HIVE positive.
-
What was the witch's favorite school subject? SPELL-ing
-
That Hoe was caught with the gardener again
-
I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.
-
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prince.
-
I have been asked to stop writing in the snow, the so called 'ink' is considered bad handwriting!
-
why does it get hot in a stadium after a sports event? All the fans leave!
-
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
-
How many crocodiles does it take to change a light bulb? Just the one, he does it very snappy!
-
The irony, I have to concentrate to write something that is fake!
-
He good my order wrong I wanted medium rare, that was a total mistake
-
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
-
I broke ten clocks today working at the clock factory. My boss told me I was a real waste of time.
-
Last week my Doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
-
I didn’t get the job a an air hostess even though I’m told I’m quite plain
-
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
-
I told the stationery store I was writing dirty stories, they sold me a pig pen!
-
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
-
What’s Miss Piggy’s favorite position? Froggy Style
-
Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
-
What makes you stand out as a writer I was asked. Well I’m wearing a pencil skirt aren’t I
-
What makes you stand out as a writer I was asked. Well I’m wearing a pencil skirt aren’t I
*Now there an image I for one would love to see!*
Why can't Trump go to White house anymore? It's FOR BIDEN.
-
My dog tried to become a computer programmer, but his barks were worse than his bytes.
-
I got the job in the fire brigade, I said I knew a lot about hosiery
-
I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow.
-
Jack and Jill the King and Queen of Roleplay
-
I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
-
I got a new high speed sewing machine, it’s called Taylor Swift
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I got a new high speed sewing machine, it’s called Taylor Swift
That is so bad even the system won't let me merit that!
I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup... Imagine that!
-
I bought a racehorse that was blind. It was my own fault. The guy told me the horse didn't look too good.
-
There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.
-
"Does alcoholism run in your family?" the doctor asked me. "Nah," I replied. "They just stagger around and break shit."
-
The doctor said I’ve a problem with alcohol, I said I don’t have a problem I like it!
-
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
-
Why do Sikh businesses always do well. They always have their overheads covered.
-
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"
-
Police knew they were dealing cannabis, the evidence was in their joint bank account
-
Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.
-
I told my husband we need some Polish stripper for the floor so he brought one back called Kasia
-
Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks
-
The chef really showed passion for his food, you could say he was pansexual
-
Finland has just closed it borders... so now nobody can cross the Finnish line.
-
The sign said "Falling Rocks", I tried it, and really it doesn't!
-
Aren't Whiteboards remarkable?
-
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
-
Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.
-
I had a buddy I nicknamed Microsoft. He liked to crash unexpectedly at my house.
-
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
-
I went for an eye test at the opticians ten years ago. I had to look into a large machine and tell the optician what I could see. "I can see closed pubs, face masks and lots of time indoors." I told him.
"Well you dont need glasses," he said. "You've got 2020 vision!"
-
That was extremely bad- merit awarded!
I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
-
A hole in the wall was found in the changing room, the police are looking into it.
-
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
-
The comedian was a master of dark humor, which was understandable. The power went out at the comedy club.
-
I hate it when comedians tell Rape jokes, they seem so forced to me.
-
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you rejected it any away- last time I donate an organ to you!
-
The old man was excited when he thought he'd signed up to join the Prostitute Club. When he looked closer at the membership card, he saw that it actually said "Parachute" Club. "Dang," he said. "And I signed up for three jumps a week!"
-
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
-
The driving instructor wouldn't give my blind uncle a driver's license. My uncle was mad and said he couldn't see what the problem was.
-
I was asked if i planned to write any more stories, I said I would but I'm having a hard time getting the ink to stay on the screen!
-
Someone stole all the windows out of my house. Police are looking into it.
-
i was told to 'Deck The Halls' now I'm in court facing assault charges!
-
I used to work in a kitchen at a big restaurant. I got fired after having a fight with the sous chef. The police were called and I was arrested after I threw a bottle of seasoning at a cop. I was charged with a-salting a police officer.
-
Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
-
My old girlfriend was like a light bulb. She was easy to turn on.
-
I was already so pissed at her over that toy's nudity and for her holding it, "Tell me don't you think that a little bear?"
-
What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where's popcorn?
-
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
-
I lived next door to an old German guy who was very crabby all the time. He was definitely a sour Kraut.
-
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
-
My friend found a cocaine stash worth £100,000, she rubbed my nose in it
-
Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is.
-
I don’t like Santa, gave him a hug and all he called me was a “Ho” three times
-
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
-
The problem with sewing is the amount of time you have to sit still. I get pins and needles all the time.
-
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
-
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
MERIT! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
A cop asked me if I'd seen anything unusual lately. "Well once I saw a dolphin wearing a hat," I said. "No," the cop said, "I mean around here." "Nahhh," I replied. "They live in the ocean."
-
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
-
I just got through having a bout of diarrhea. It kept me up all night. It was really shitty.
-
There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator, only a fraction of people will know that!
-
What do you call a really cute entrance? A-Door-Able!
-
I wanted to get a jolt out of life. So I stuck my finger in a light socket.
-
What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.
-
I have a lot to learn about WW2. The Battle of the Bulge was NOT about Hitler going on a diet.
-
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
-
I can only get $20 bills out of an ATM, no coins! It just doesn't make cents.
-
I had to quit going to the gym so I handed in my too week notice!
-
I hear you are a dressmaker now! “Sew what? “I answered
-
My boss bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It isn't her main gift just a stocking stuffer!
-
I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:
McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse... It was a Big McSteak.
-
I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:
McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse... It was a Big McSteak.
Glad they made you smile because you made me groan about that one! merit awarded!
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...
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I'm not witty nor clever enough for puns but someone else's made me smile today:
McDonald's once tried to become a steakhouse... It was a Big McSteak.
Glad they made you smile because you made me groan about that one! merit awarded!
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...
Merit to both they were excellent! X
-
My husband got fired as a bin man, he was rubbish at it.
-
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-
I was at a job interview and they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said "No, but I'm pretty good at singing Bohemian Rhapsody though!"
-
I was at a job interview and they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said "No, but I'm pretty good at singing Bohemian Rhapsody though!"
Very punny merit chick x
Heard about olive farmers being forced to grow Rapeseed for oil instead
-
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy
-
The brewer threw a tantrum and sprayed beer all over the other workers at the brewery. It was bound to happen. He was keeping it all bottled up.
-
My boyfriend took some drop in his life when he became a paratrooper
-
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
-
Read this really cheesy love story, Fifty Shades of Gruyere
-
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
-
He said he was a real hard man, after what I felt in his pants I beg to differ
-
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-
Did you hear about the dyslexic detective? He was defective
-
I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."
-
I opened a store selling seeds and gardening supplies. It's a growing business.
-
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!
-
Okay so I had a cocaine addiction. You don't need to rub my nose in it!
-
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
-
I had a girlfriend named Lorraine, and I started dating another girl named Claire Lee. Lorraine found out and she left me. I'm happy because I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.
-
I had a girlfriend named Lorraine, and I started dating another girl named Claire Lee. Lorraine found out and she left me. I'm happy because I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.
So bad that it's merit worthy
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa!
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I studied to be a proctologist but dropped out. It was hard working with assholes everyday.
-
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
-
I was in my boyfriends car yesterday and he was reversing out of the drive. I thought to myself "This takes me back!"
-
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
-
What do young elfs learn in school? The elf-abet!
-
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
-
Whats the difference between a Christmas bauble and Jeffery Epstein? A Christmas bauble doesnt hang itself!
-
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?
-
I bought a fishing boat. I began having financial troubles. I couldn't find any fish and therefore had no net income.
-
Ladies, some advice, if he doesn't appreciate fruit puns... You need to let that mango.
-
I was up a ladder picking apples and I dropped my cellphone. My father down on the ground caught it. I was happy to see the Apple didn't fall far from the tree.
-
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
-
A quick question for all my telepathic friends out there...
-
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
-
Ever had sex with a sailor? I’ve knots in my stomach afterwards
-
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
So I finished my first skirt in sewing class, the instructor said I needed to touch it up in places
-
The doctor told me I needed to go on a weight reduction program. I said, "It's about time! I sat in your waiting room today for damn near two hours!"
-
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
-
I hear that Yoko Ono is starting a new insects based diet. Must be pretty good as she has been living off a dead Beatle for the past forty years!
-
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
-
I hear that Yoko Ono is starting a new insects based diet. Must be pretty good as she has been living off a dead Beatle for the past forty years!
I'm giving a merit for that! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
Sir Paul McCartney was in a vehicle accident in downtown London when he backed into another car. He said to a policeman investigating, "I don't understand it. I parked here yesterday and no problem at all. Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away."
-
Sir Paul McCartney was in a vehicle accident in downtown London when he backed into another car. He said to a policeman investigating, "I don't understand it. I parked here yesterday and no problem at all. Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away."
Merit worthy!
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
-
Got a pretend horse for Christmas I could tell straight away he was a pony:
-
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
-
My TV was kind of fuzzy yesterday. Guess my New Year's resolution wasn't so good.
-
My boss said he like the gift I got him for Christmas. apparently he was steamed about me cleaning up
-
I called up my favorite restaurant and ordered an elastic band sandwich. I told them to make it snappy!
-
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, "Wait, I can change."
-
My golf game and my sex life are similar. It takes me too many strokes to get in the hole, and I often find myself out of bounds, but at least when I'm having sex, I don't lose my balls in the trees.
-
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
-
I watched a documentary about sea turtles. The narrator said it took them a long time to get across the beach and into the water. "Sea turtles are very slow." I thought that was rather rude making such a comment about their intelligence.
-
As I walk through the valley of death I realize that you can't always trust Google maps!
-
I was waiting for you at the mall today. The big map said YOU ARE HERE, but I couldn't find you!
-
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
-
Chickpeas have no sense of hummus
-
Pepto's new Restaurant failed it was called "Bismol"
-
I caught my kid chewing on a power cord today. I grounded him and told him he couldn't see his friends until he learned to conduct himself properly.
-
I loved growing up with a dyslexic father, when I swore he would wash my mouth out with soup!
-
A Chinese guy opened a restaurant on a boat in Hong Kong Harbour. Everybody called him Jesus because he was wokkin' on water!
-
I was out walking when a guy ahead of me dropped a twenty dollar bill. I picked it up and asked "What would Jesus Do? then it ame to me so I turned the money into bottles of wine!
-
I ate a rotten banana. It was very un-a-peeling.
-
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
-
I was walking through the zoo and passing the sea mammals enclosure heard a round of applause. Guess I got the Seal of approval!
-
I was walking through the zoo and passing the sea mammals enclosure heard a round of applause. Guess I got the Seal of approval!
You know that you deserve to be shot for that one right?
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
-
That Siberian Murder was always going to end up a cold case
-
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am!
-
I saw a woman making out with a tree guess they met on Timber
-
The farmer's son told his dad he was going to New York to work in the stock market.
"Okay," said the farmer, "but ya know, ya ain't gotta go all the way to New York City to sell cows!"
-
My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!
-
Amy Schumer said she’s kissed a few frogs in her time. I hope Kermit doesn’t find out.
-
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
-
I wanted to make a film about my vagina, but the title Lost In Space was already taken
-
I showed up at the Olympics with a roll of barbed wire and a truckload of wooden posts. I was asked what event I was hoping to participate in. "Fencing," I replied.
-
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-
What do you call an erupting joke? A lol-cano!
-
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
-
What did the momma strawberry say to the strawberry kids? "Daddy will be late for supper. He's stuck in a jam."
-
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
-
Two guys walking through a park saw a tree covered in bacon. They ran up to the tree, but a gang of bullies jumped out from behind it and beat them up. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush!
-
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
-
Mama Knife said to Papa Knife, "I'm not sure how well Junior Knife will do in school. He's not very sharp."
-
I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
-
The farmer's body was found in the chicken coop. The sheriff suspected fowl play.
-
I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
-
I got a new job at a light bulb factory. I have a bright future ahead of me.
-
What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
-
Cannibals captured two Olympic runners who washed up on a jungle island after a shipwreck. "Right on!" one cannibal said to another. "Tonight we get fast food."
-
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
-
Sister Rose finally kicked the Habit! No nun intended
-
A pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.
-
A pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.
:emot_rotf.gif: that's a merit!
You go to a beauty parlour to get your hair cut, you go to a beer parlour to get half-cut!
-
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
-
The Proctologist's Creed: It's a shitty job but someone's gotta do it!
-
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
-
The bridge was out and I couldn't tell anybody on the other side. It was hard to get the message across.
-
I sleep in castle every two weeks. It's my fort night.
-
I was in an accident and hurt my back really badly. The doctor told me to go home, take two aspirin and get a good sleep, and call him in the morning. I wanted him to put me in the hospital, but I didn't have the spine for it.
-
I finally overcame my addiction to ice cream, marshmallow, chocolate and nuts, It was a Rocky Road but I survived it!
-
The past, present and future met in a bar, it was tense
-
Moved into a third floor walk-up the other day. It's a nice place, but I can tell it's going to be an uphill climb.
-
I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right.
-
I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right.
Groan...
I love it.
-
Had to stop listening to my Black Sabbath records. I have nothing wrong with fairies wearing boots, but all that sweetleaf made me paranoid.
-
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
-
I was in a garden centre this morning and thought I saw Michael J. Fox. However I could be mistaken, he had his back to the fuchsia's.
-
If A is for Apple and B is for banana what is C for? Plastic explosives.
-
If U are tired why don't you lie down after T ?
-
We need someone to clean Windows said Bill Gates, I got the Job with my Masters in IT, I was handed a bucket and and a ladder
-
My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
-
A pickle was bragging to the other food in the fridge. "Yeah, around here I'm kind of a big dill."
-
I've been trying to master the "Hokey Pokey", I could go in and out but lately I've managed to turn myself around!
-
A numerator and a denominator walk into a bar.....ahhh forget it! Only a fraction of people would find this funny.
-
Doc says to the patient, "You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape."
-
I wish I could get paid to sleep, talk about a dream job.
-
Merit worthy
I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up.
-
I got a job on a sailing ship as a navigator. But the captain threw me in the brig. He thought I was plotting a mutiny.
-
Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.
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I went to the Yukon and started an underground gold mine. I didn't find a thing! All I got was the shaft.
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In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log.
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In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log.
:emot_rotf.gif:
Wicked chickens lay deviled eggs.
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So the Covid vaccine is working, I knew Big Pharma would have something up their sleeve
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If zombies are attacking you, just invite them to a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of a party!
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Two divers are in the water when they see several large fish gathered around a table. "Would you like to join our poker game?" asked the fish. "No thank you," said one diver. "Let's get out of here," said the other diver. "These cardsharks can be dangerous!"
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I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
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The mechanic gave me heck for letting my car's transmission run out of oil. He really gave me the gears.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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I got new concealer the other day but I can’t find it, guess it really works!!
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My dad was a stalker. I want to follow him in his footsteps.
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Went on a date with a janitor, he sure loved the dirty talk.
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Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
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Going window shopping can be a real pane in the glass!
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Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
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My barber shop has this sign out front: Hair today, Gone Tomorrow
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My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
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I was at a pizza restaurant the other day and heard the couple on the next table order. The waiter asked if they wanted the pizza cut into six or eight slices and the man replied "Six slices, we'll never eat eight!"
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I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
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The doctor asked if I wanted a shot. I said, "Sure, if you're pouring!"
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The doctor asked if I wanted a shot. I said, "Sure, if you're pouring!"
Now that earns a merit!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
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I've barely been in jail for five minutes and I've already been raped. This is the last time I play Monopoly with my perverted uncle!
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Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.
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Two cannibals are eating a millionaire. Afterwards one of them is holding his stomach. "I knew it," he says. "I can't handle rich food."
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Two cannibals are eating a millionaire. Afterwards one of them is holding his stomach. "I knew it," he says. "I can't handle rich food."
yet another merit!
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
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My boyfriend said to me earlier today that he might not be a weatherman but I can expect between seven and nine inches tonight!
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I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!
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It used to cost nothing to get air in your tires at the gas station. Now they charge you $2! I guess that's inflation.
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A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
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She asked me what I didn’t like about lesbians so I gave her a straight answer
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Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
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I was camping with some friends , and we all got into a big argument over where everybody would sleep. it was in tents.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I was visiting Norway and a woman took me home from a bar. As I was fucking her, she asked me if I was Russian. I said "No, I'm not." "Well I suggest you do, because my husband will be home soon!"
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I was visiting Norway and a woman took me home from a bar. As I was fucking her, she asked me if I was Russian. I said "No, I'm not." "Well I suggest you do, because my husband will be home soon!"
Another merit worthy one!
If your parachute won't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
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I went to work for a company that made rubber balls. But they weren't very good employers. My paycheques bounced more than the balls!
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I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
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Did you hear about the witch who could turn lights on and off with a blink of her eyes? She was a Lights Witch!
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"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
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My date said he’d dig for the most precious Diamond for me. I got up and left, I don’t date miners!
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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I bought a book about the Sahara Desert. It was pretty dry reading.
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I was so wet waiting for you! Never say that to a bus driver when they are late to pick you up In Winter.
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I was so wet waiting for you! Never say that to a bus driver when they are late to pick you up In Winter.
That is so wrong on so many levels that a merit must be rewarded!
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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I had a choice between working on a dairy farm or a pig farm. I chose the pig farm. After a few weeks I wished i had taken the udder job.
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My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.
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Met my date on Tumblr so I stood him up
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What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? "Stay calm, and do not lose your head."
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I saw a really pretty woman on the subway, and I thought, "Why don't I ask her out for a date?" So I took a shot in the dark. Unfortunately I hit her and now I'm in jail.
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On St. Patrick's Day I pretend to be Irish just like I pretend to be good at Christmas!
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I told my ex-wife she should start calling me Bra, because I've been supporting her for years.
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I couldn't believe it I got fired from the Viagra factory, I was found hard at work!
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My girlfriend used to be a professional golfer. But she quit. Said she didn't like the swinging lifestyle.
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
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There was a Japanese inventor named Ota, who wanted to develop a compact car. He built a prototype and took it around to other Japanese automakers hoping to sell his idea. But they all looked at it and said, "Hmmm, kinda looks like a toy, Ota!"
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
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My ex husband was a waiter he served me the divorce papers
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I went into the bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I replied "Yeah, and little heads."
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I ordered a steak supper at the restaurant. The waitress asked me, "Do you want that with soup or salad?" "No," I answered. "Just a regular size salad." * based on a true story! :emot_rotf.gif:
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Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
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I got a new floor lamp delivered. My boyfriend says are you going to put that up myself? I said no just in the living room!
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I got a new floor lamp delivered. My boyfriend says are you going to put that up myself? I said no just in the living room!
Sorry but if you that 'deep' then there is no way I'm visiting in person! :emot_laughing.gif:
my girlfriend too me shopping with her for a lamp, seems she wanted something else that would light up her life!
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I was in a nightclub once and a guy asked me to go outside with him so he could show me a good time. When we got outside he ran off, I must admit though 8.4 seconds is good for the 100 meters!
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I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
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I was in a nightclub once and a guy asked me to go outside with him so he could show me a good time. When we got outside he ran off, I must admit though 8.4 seconds is good for the 100 meters!
:emot_rotf.gif:
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I met a girl at the nightclub and she came home with me. We were on the couch making out when she asked if she could play with my organ. I sat back and let her do her work. She was good! Did an excellent version of "Whiter Shade of Pale"! :emot_weird.gif:
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I dated a green grocer and the romance was fruitful
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I heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but my doctor has one and he's able to email me all the time!
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I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
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I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
:emot_rotf.gif:
The old farmer from Alabama wrote a letter to his congressman complaining about the new government's plans to ban short-sleeved shirts. "Why the hell are they taking away my right to bare arms?"
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My husband is a pretty bad birdwatcher, every time its just a pair of tits
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The wife told her husband she better be seeing a diamond on their anniversary. So he took her to a baseball game.
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I walked into my psychiatrists office only wrapped in saran wrap. Upon looking up he said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
:emot_rotf.gif:
The old farmer from Alabama wrote a letter to his congressman complaining about the new government's plans to ban short-sleeved shirts. "Why the hell are they taking away my right to bare arms?"
When allowed you're getting a merit for that one!
Is it wrong to tell a female, "That's why I come every time you call?"
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Did you hear how they caught the pedophile road sweeper? He only swept minor roads
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I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
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I tried to find my way through the farmer’s field but it was a maize.
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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I went to work at a sign factory. They put me in charge of making "NO EXIT" signs. "Well," I thought. "This is certainly a dead end job."
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After an explosion at a French Cheese Factory all that was left was De Brie!
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I finished top of my class at barber college. I was a cut above the rest.
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I was looking at an article on the laptop when the girlfriend call out "Are you coming?" how could I respond to that?
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I travelled to a country where there was no digital cameras. All you could buy were old Kodachromes and rolls of film. It was a very undeveloped society.
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Who doesn’t like a hard working man, who gets up early and delivers the white stuff. Plus he wears a uniform. You can see the cliches about the milkman are true
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Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
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My first day serving on board the space ship was terrible. I accidently turned the artificial gravity off, the Captain hit the roof!
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Finally my hubby opened his heart to me, now to hide the blade!!
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Rachel, Jessica you both should be ashamed of posting like that- Merit awarded from me!
Lotss of people don't like playing cards with me. since I love to play the 'ace' card!
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Scientists are so hard at work perfecting artificial intelligence, maybe they should put more work into perfecting human intelligence first!
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Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language
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It was a momentous occasion in Olympic history, when all the participants in the 100 meter race were revealed to be crossdressers. One sports commentator made the remark. "I did not know that they've now made drag racing an Olympic sport!"
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So wrong but so merit worthy!
Hey do you know how giving birth to a boy is called? Male delivery!
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I had to quit my job at the clock factory. I'd get home from work and I'd be all wound up!
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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
:emot_rotf.gif: That's a merit!
I got a job at a shoe factory. It was my job to destroy the shoes that were rejects. It was very sole-crushing.
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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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I never wanted to believe my boyfriend was stealing from his job as a roadworker but when I got home the signs were all there.
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What is the reason why mice have so much Cancer? Could it be research!
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse opened a new bar. It's a real hole-in-the-wall kind of place.
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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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My new doctor told me he was from Egypt. "So you're a Cairo-practor?" I asked.
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My girlfriend just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
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I've been dating a seamstress, but I think it's almost over. Everything is hanging by a thread.
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Was I wrong to ask girlfriend if she wanted to paddle me after passing her the defibrillator?
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How did the peasants get across the ocean? They floated on a serf board!
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I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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I was working in the warehouse at the razor factory when a whole pallet of razor blades fell over and missed me by inches. It was a close shave.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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I tried selling dynamite door to door. Well that idea blew up in my face!
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“Im Buzz Aldrin the second man on the moon
Neil Before Me”
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“Im Buzz Aldrin the second man on the moon
Neil Before Me”
That's just wrong!
Sure I was told by Maury that I wasn't the father but that didn't stop me being her 'daddy' for a while!
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The Hollywood ice cream truck driver knew what celebrity really liked ice cream. He'd see her coming and say , "There's Reese with her spoon!"
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Can someone tell my why the central bank of Poland isn't referred to as the "Pole Vault"?
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Can someone tell my why the central bank of Poland isn't referred to as the "Pole Vault"?
:emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
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If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
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I was visiting the city of Prague. Went to the library one day, but there wasn't much to read. It was all Czech books.
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When dating a dominatrix never suggest that someone should hit the sack!
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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push him from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
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Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
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The owl visited the vet and found out he had laryngitis. He couldn't even give a hoot.
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
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I met my wife while taking skydiving lessons. I immediately fell for her.
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I went to visit my money, the bank worker to me to it then asked me if this was safe, I just looked at her and say "Well you work here not me!"
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I tried getting my pilot's license but crashed during my solo flight. I flew so low I hit a bridge!
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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I dived off a cliff into the ocean. When I surfaced, I heard clapping. It was the seal of approval.
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Had to turn the stereo off, my girlfriend has been playing Depeche Mode all day. She just can't get enough, whilst I just enjoy the silence.
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I was working for the railway company. My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
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I witnessed the best fight ever the other day between a fox and a hedgehog. It lasted an hour and a half but in the end the hedgehog won on points.
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Fishermen are Reel Men!
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Tom Tuna was talking to his buddy Mike Marlin in the ocean one day. "It's becoming a real problem these days, in this electronic age." "What's a real problem?" "My kids won't stay off the net."
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Police are reporting a tractor trailer of Vicks Vapor Rub has rolled over on the highway. Police don't expect congestion because of this!
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"We can't let you write anymore cheques," they told me at the bank. "Because of your account." "What's wrong with my account?" I asked. "On account of......you ain't got any money in it!" the teller said.
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The Boss came rushing out of his office last night, screaming for the yellow pages. His secretary told him to come live in the modern world and handed him her smartphone. The only good thing that came from that -well the spider in his office is dead!
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Amazon is getting way too big! Did you know they now have the naming rights for an entire river in South America???
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Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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:emot_rotf.gif:
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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At the maternity ward in a Chinese hospital. "I don't understand how we ended up with a white baby." Mr. Wong said to his wife. "Two Wongs don't make a White."
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My Chinese dadwanted to make a big donation to the local hospital but he didn't after thinking that they wouldn't name anything after him, after all how can you say "Oh just come to the Wong Wing!"
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
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I was working at a blanket factory. I ran into financial difficulties and asked my boss for an advance on my paycheque. "Don't worry," he said. "I've got you covered."
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A man has been shot over a hundred times with an upholstery gun. Police say that he has been fully recovered!
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I stole a case of glue from the stationery store. When I got arrested I knew I was going to jail. The cops would make the charges stick!
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My best friends and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
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You got a sixpack! Three rolls wobbling at each side...
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Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.
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Let´s face it! I shout with a hard-on, she worked hard on, without pardon.
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I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
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I've never decided if I like automatic transmissions in cars or a five-speed stick shift. I'm kinda neutral.
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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
Merit for that!
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I went on a blind date with a girl. I kinda wish it had been a deaf date instead. Man, could that woman talk!
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If Ruby gets a ruby, you can rub her without a rubber
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Oh The Grand old Duke of York
He had 10,000 men
He had some teenage girls too
But he seems to have forgot about them.
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I was in a lot of trouble. The police said I had contributed to the delinquency of a minor by offering the 16 year-old girl liquor. "I disagree with that," I told the officer. "Yeah I wanted to lick her, but the booze was just to loosen her up."
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Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
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Religion is like your genitalia
No shame of having one
Be proud of it if you must
But keep it behind closed doors
Don’t force it down others throats
And for the love of god keep them away from children
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Religion is like your genitalia
No shame of having one
Be proud of it if you must
But keep it behind closed doors
Don’t force it down others throats
And for the love of god keep them away from children
Now that is well worth a merit!
The Radar Man At the Airforce Air Base felt silly when he scrambles a squadron for something floating by, seems the incident ballooned out of control!
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A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” the neutron asks. “For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
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Bat Man had to get a new car since parking the old one in the bat cave. Something took up residence in the old one so now it was really a Bat Mobile!
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. So I guess then if life gives you gators ......you make gatorade!
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She is the CEO of a successful mattress company though some say she slept her way to the top!
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
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I know why they call them lay-offs. When you're at home on the couch and the wife is nagging at you to find another job, you gotta tell her to " Just lay off, will ya?" :emot_rotf.gif:
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We have this new singer coming, her name is Rita Orgasm!
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Currently the flower business is blooming.
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If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail and try again!
I wormed thru all this Posts! This one was so good :emot_laughing.gif:
merit
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Papa Battery came home from the doctor's office looking glum. "What's wrong?" asked Mama Battery. "The doctor tested that big lump on top of my head," Papa Battery said. "It came back positive."
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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My brother insisted on driving his old car that had no brakes. There was no stopping him.
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I married an electrician, he really added a spark to bedroom
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Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
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My resume said I had spent 5 years in Yale. They hired me on the spot, which was good because I really needed the yob!
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
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If someone stick your eye you have to say: dare you do this again! I won´t look you anymore
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I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
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I was at the psychiatrist's office. "Dr, I had this really weird dream last night. I was killing people. What could that be a sign of?" "You were sleeping," he replied.
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In history some christians were nailed very hard
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I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
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Some People try saving toads on their way only to notice it was just dog shit, so they´re shat on
-
Shout 'out' to the people that don't know what the opposite of 'in' is!
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I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. I woke up this morning with back issues.
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I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. I woke up this morning with back issues.
Now that worth a merit!
So if someone from Holland married and had children with a Filipino would their kids be known as 'hollapinos'?
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The police set up a trap to catch the thieves who were stealing beehives. It was a sting operation.
-
My daughter was confused about how chickens are born so she asked me did I ever get laid?
-
Geology Rocks but geography is where it is at!
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I asked my boss for an advance on my paycheque. He told me he could, but in return he wanted an advance on my work.
-
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
-
Never lose rock paper, scissors to a lesbian!
-
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
-
Something to ponder: If an army is defeated on the battlefield, how do they walk afterwards?
-
Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."
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After stop using chain mails warriors now fighting wireless
-
No matter how we look at it, Velcro is a complete rip off!
-
The father saw his blonde teenage daughter on her knees by the front door, with her mouth open. He asked her, "What in hell are you doing?" "Oh well, Mother told me to wait for when the mail comes, so I'm all ready for him!"
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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.
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The blonde was walking rather funny and her best friend asked her what the problem was. "Well last night, me and my boyfriend were fucking, and he asked me if I'd do anal sex. I told him, 'I don't know what kind of weird, kinky shit you're into, but I'd rather let you fuck me up the ass before I do that!"
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Merit for that! :emot_laughing.gif:
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A policeman approached a young woman on the street and told her her tank top was too short and she was exposing too much of her mid-riff, and that she should go home and change. "How dare you?" the young woman snapped. "It's none of your business how I'm dressed. What kind of policeman are you anyways?" He replied,"I'm a navel officer, ma'am!"
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A policeman approached a young woman on the street and told her her tank top was too short and she was exposing too much of her mid-riff, and that she should go home and change. "How dare you?" the young woman snapped. "It's none of your business how I'm dressed. What kind of policeman are you anyways?" He replied,"I'm a navel officer, ma'am!"
now that is so wrong it merit worthy!
You should always wear glasses when solving math- it help to improve division!
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The tub faucet was visiting his psychiatrist. "I think I have a sex addiction problem, doctor." "What makes you think that?" the doctor asked. "Well, every naked person I see turns me on!"
-
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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When does it start to rain money? When there is change in the weather.
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My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
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A farmer crossed pigs with crocodiles. They were ham-phibians!
-
My grandfather claims he hates his new stair lift- it drives him up the wall!
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Why people say dying is hard when they sink into a moor
-
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...
-
You heard about the guy who only writes midget stories on RU. He keeps a very low profile.
-
When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
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A clerk at a convenience store fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a suspect and say there's a price on his head.
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A clerk at a convenience store fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a suspect and say there's a price on his head.
Very amusing ::): Was it a special offer?
By the way, Film Industry thinks about a new James Bond.
To make it more contemporary James actually doing nappy change and hunting flies while his wife killing spies.
They call it the new bond age...
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The previous two posters should be ashamed of themselves, if i give you a merit each will you try to improve?
I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
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If I give YOU a merit will you smarten up after that one? :emot_rotf.gif:
When I was in the navy I didn't enjoy serving on a submarine. The accommodations and the food were sub-standard to say the least.
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I can´t improve because of my girlfriend, she´s used to say I´m the least
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After we had sex I offered my date a bowl of ichiban noodles. "So I guess everything around here is two minutes." she said.
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I dig
She digs
We dig
I know it's not romantic but it is deep!
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My girlfriend told me if we ever got married and had kids, they'd be beautiful because she had good genes. "I don't really care what kind of pants you have," I said. "They'll be coming off anyways when we have sex."
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Bad news today William Shatner had to quit selling ladies pants. Seems no lady want Shatner pants
-
:emot_rotf.gif:
I wanted to become a monk, but I could never get the chants.
-
I never expected to have a stranger marry me but what else could I think after the operator decided to ring me!
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I get why they call it a lawnmower. After you cut the grass, more always grows.
-
I know things are getting bad with import manufacturing, The other day i bought a Television with Built in Antenna. I have no idea where Antenna is located!
-
Isn´t walking on high heels a permanent downhill, or a descent?
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
-
My dog loves Christmas. He's a big fan of the howlidays.
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Police are reporting that a truck carrying Tortoises and one carrying Terrapins have collided, They say it a TURTLE disaster
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My BF is on about a penis extension, him and his doctor have discussed it at great lengths
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Funny about that Jessica, my girlfriend on on about getting bigger breasts, said she even hopes to get a 'round' to it someday!
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My girlfriend and I were at the supermarket today and a T-bone steak reached out and pinched her ass. "Wow!" I said. "The meat here is pretty fresh!"
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My girlfriend has taken up wearing large earrings lately so she says that i have to jump through hoops for her!
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A steak and a hamburger were sizzling on the barbecue. The hamburger began asking the steak questions. "What's your name?" "Where are you from?" "How old are you?" The steak yelled, "Geez will you shut up? I didn't expect to get grilled!"
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.
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When I have to listen to rap music it reminds me eating a chocolate bar. When I'm done I throw away the rapper.
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I have a feeling the new accountant at work is a cocaine addict. When we ask if they want to join us for an after work beer he always replies "Sure need to do one more line!"
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I woke up one morning and found my goldfish had escaped from their aquarium. I've got a feeling something fishy's going on!
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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I once asked my ex if my dick was big enough. She replied, "It's a good size but not near as big as the dick I wake up next to every morning!"
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Poor Chinese man was arrested for giving his name to the police. Luckily they released Mr Fuk Yu after an hour.
-
When at work one night we had a discussion about circumcision someone wonder can you have one at any age or is there a cut-off?
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I had a very happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills, those were Goodyears!
-
I was really shocked with how I was spoken to be the person on the suppository hotline. The person said shove it up my ass! I'll never call then again!
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I had a bladder infection. The doctor said, " I sympathize with you sir. I know urine a lot of pain."
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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What's long and hard on a kid from Alabama? Sixth grade.
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Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
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I used to have a band. My piano player was over 6 feet tall. I was quite proud of my big pianist.
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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There's a blue bird on my windowsill. That's what he gets when he won't move out of the way while I'm painting my house!
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Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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The old rooster died and a young rooster took over the henhouse. It was nothing to crow about.
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The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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I lost my watch at a party one time. When I saw it, some guy was standing on it harassing a woman so I walked over and punched him. Nobody does that, not on my watch!
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I don't get it my girlfriend wears my shirts and t-shirts all she wants but let me put on her bra and panties and walk around and suddenly I have to talk about it to some Doctor!'
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They finally let the local LEGO store re-open. Customers were lined up for blocks.
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My sister and her bloke made a hot sex tape they just don’t know it yet.
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My sister and her bloke made a hot sex tape they just don’t know it yet.
Unless she's as hot as you that is just wrong on so many levels!
There's a man dressed in surgical garb armed with a scalpel chasing me. he's a doctor, a man after my heart!
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it
:emot_rotf.gif:
I'm studying for my driver's exam at truck driving school. It's my semi-final.
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We bought our boss swimming weights for his ankles-he's a lot stronger than we thought!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.
-
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
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I was going to buy an electric car. I asked the salesman if it would require anything special to drive. He told me I would need a current driver's license.
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My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun.
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I love that the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
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I ripped my tights today, but it’s ok they were in their last legs
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My friend's in prison for flashing; he says he can't bare it anymore.
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I cut myself shredding cheese today, but I think I have grater problems.
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I had to serve pasta instead of potatoes, they had eyes on me while I tried to peel them!
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I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
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I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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I dated a janitor , he swept me off my feet!
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So I admit it I'm a cower! When the nurse came towards me with something in her hands And asked where I wanted to be shot, I zigzagged as I ran to make it harder on her hitting me!
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I was raped by a mime artist. He did unspeakable things to me
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There complaints down at the morgue. seems they are cutting coroners
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:emot_rotf.gif:
Did you hear about the obese war actor , he was in the movie a Fridge Too Far
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Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah... it took him forever to get out.
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“You’re a patient woman” least I was told that while I was in hospital
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If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
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Space was cool before it mattered
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My English teacher didn't like my homework assignment to write a story, apparently a dog eating my homework isn't a believable subject!
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I started a new job at the cheese factory. I really like my co-workers. They're a gouda bunch.
-
I told my dad that I wanted a job in Archeology and he cried telling all his friends that his son's career was in ruins!
-
I met a really hot girl at the park today. But the paramedics said they'd get her to the hospital right away and get her treated for heat stroke.
-
I met my next door neighbor today, seems she has fallen and couldn't get up! So was it wrong of me to comment that she was a well grounded person!
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The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper. All I did was rough him up a bit.
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I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.
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I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
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I was going to tell you about Sarah and her eating only plants but I'm sure you have herbivore before!
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I thought I bought a goldfish but one day seen him sitting at the piano, playing music. I realized it was a piano tuna.
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Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
-
I went for a job at a stables one time. The owner asked me if I'd ever shoed a horse before. I said no, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once!
-
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
-
Did you know that a single sperm has about 37.5MB of DNA data, so an ejaculation transfers nearly 16TB of data. Now thats a lot of information to swallow!
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent!
-
Did you know that a single sperm has about 37.5MB of DNA data, so an ejaculation transfers nearly 16TB of data. Now thats a lot of information to swallow!
Merit-worthy Rachel! ;D
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The storm that hit last week was the same as the storm that hit the week before. I think they were cy -clones!
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Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.
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I sometimes have problems remembering what side the sun rises on but then it dawn's on me.
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Was reading a posted piece of paper at the music hall. Warning of Loud Music and Flashing Lights, Now I knew I was getting old for I couldn't even think of a single song by those bands!
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As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. They didn't mention the fact that identity theft is a crime.
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I was at a picnic with my girlfriend who make grilled cheese sandwiches, I just looked at then until she said "Edam up!"
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Did you hear about the Top Gun themed male stripper bar, it’s called the Cockpit
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Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin' alive.
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He was excellent at setting traps for vermin, he was known as the master baiter
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My First time using an elevator was quite uplifting, the second time it let me down!
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It figures that the astronauts who went to the moon had to ride in a rocket to get there. Don't most wives say the only way they can get their husbands to do anything is put a fire under their asses?
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My boyfriend told me that the first thing he looked for in me was my heart. The fact my breasts were in front of it wasn't his fault apparently!
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I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
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My sister messaged me today saying that she saw a bear on the way to work this morning. I thought that was very rare and asked her how she knew he was on his way to work?
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i was walking alone today when a man ran up and three Camembert at me. All I could say was how dairy!
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I bought a pen that writes underwater. You can use it to write other words too.
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I was so sad and crying when I lost my Playstation 5 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
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Eric Clap-ton was great last night, he got some round of applause.
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.
Merit worthy if I didn’t already give you one today lol
I was surrounded by buoys and seamen. I loved my time at sea.
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.
Merit worthy if I didn’t already give you one today lol
Oh please we owe each other so many merits that we will never catch up!
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
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I’ve a fear of spiders so stay away from the deep web
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I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my girlfriend... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
-
Posh girls don’t come. They arrive!
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I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's! I'm going to park the car and walk in.
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Best Shops are in public Domain. F.e. cemetries. Each join them...sooner or later
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The cemetery down the street was be very popular, people are just dying to get in there!
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Who do ants worship? The Anty Christ!
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How should you tell someone about their milk- Why with a spoiler alert of course!
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I was useless in my job as a dogcatcher. One day I was late for work and my boss said, "Geez, you can't even catch a bus."
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How do you tell a man is old. It’s not hard!
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A man returned inside after being outside in a heavy snowfall only for his wife to hand him a pad of paper and started dictating a letter to her mother. "Hey what gives?" The wife just looked "Well if you can write out there in a snowbank then it's time mother heard from us!"
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Winding spaghetti round an Alarm does not mean eating round the clock
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Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
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I liked trigonometry when I was in school. It was a sine of the times.
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I told my boyfriend to take off my dress..... and to stop wearing my clothes
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My Girlfriends pet jumped up as I sat down beside her on the couch "Ah great tell me I can pet your pussy!"
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I dated a man on the England football team, he was a bit of a player
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My girlfriend and me were at a baseball diamond when I ran from first to second base. She look at me and said I was willing to let me go to third base!
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I woke up this morning in the fireplace. I did feel that last night I slept like a log.
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Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
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A kid asked me if sixty minutes was a lot. I said ," No silly, it's an hour."
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I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
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Everyone at the candy store was always jealous of the popsicles. They were co much cooler than any of the other candy.
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A penguin wiped it's bill and said as the mechanic say it 'blew a gasket', No it ice cream I promise!
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I gave all the fingers on my left hand the names of sexy women. They fought and bickered amongst each other a lot. They were quite a handful.
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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
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The banker asked me why I needed another loan for my charter boat business. "I'm barely keeping my head above water," I replied. "Business that bad?" he asked. "No, I have a hole in the boat," I said.
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Red skies at night, a sailor's delight! Blue sky at night, that's day time, learn the difference!
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"I'm going fishing," I told my friend. "You got worms?" he asked. "Yeah," I said, "but I'm going anyways."
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If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
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I've always been made to feel like a second-class citizen in Canada. I mean there's a Canadian Bill of Rights, but what about all us lefthanders?
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Girls, are a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in them but I'm not getting much interest.
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There are men who are homeless and will date women hoping they'll let them move in with them. They are known as hobo-sexuals.
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To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing." Have you ever considered being more interesting?
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The wife and I were driving past a dairy farm, and she complained that all she could smell was manure. I guess she prefers a clean dairy air.
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I told my girlfriend that after I finished I stopped to bag the grass, she called the cops on me!
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A major cannabis growing company is building a large greenhouse operation near my hometown. I tell you, the place is really going to pot!
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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Once I had a princess; she farts over the chocolate i spread on her ass every day!
Now I have a new princess; I kick her in the ass all the time and she love it!
So consider it: senceless adulation is worth a shit
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Whenever I think of saying or doing something bad I stop and ask what would Dwayne Johnson do, after all he is the one Rock who keeps me on the straight and narrow!
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I once owned a tire shop. It was the most popular tire shop in town and lots of people came there. But my wife made me sell it. Said I was getting an inflated ego.
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The health department made me close my butcher shop after I accidentally cut my hand , seems someone complained that my thumb was on the scale!
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The football coach was banging on the vending machine out in the hallway. "I want my quarterback!" he yelled.
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The football coach was instantly fired after some faculty members over heard him telling his plans for 'the tight end' as he was walking through cheerleader practice!
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I started this home-based business and, oh man! I was making lots of money. Then the police raided my house and arrested me for counterfeiting.
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If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
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Heard a comedian make a joke about the Band U2, it was Edgy!
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Do you want to hear a joke about Potassium- K
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Why shouldn't you go to an Italian restaurant late at night? It's not good to eat that much pasta midnight.
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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How did the police know they had caught the right guy who was stealing candy from the supermarket?
He had a sweet disposition.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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The photographer was disappointed that he slept in and missed taking photos of the morning fog on San Francisco Bay. It was a mist opportunity.
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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
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I was camping in the woods but I moved to another spot. The grove of trees I had been in looked a little shady.
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No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
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Cinderella got kicked off of the girls' lacrosse team. She had the habit of always running away from the ball.
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
-
What did Obi Wan tell Luke when he had trouble eating Chinese food?
Use the forks, Luke.
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What did Obi Wan tell Luke when he had trouble eating Chinese food?
Use the forks, Luke.
merit worthy badness!
I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
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Two senior citizens were in the clubhouse after a morning round of golf. Abner says, "Today, I got on the third hole with only two strokes." "Oh that's not bad," Oscar replied. "The other day it took me four strokes and a heart attack to get on the third!"
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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling a connection here.
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Any female has a vagina, just something else she can rub into the face of any male!
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What song is at the top of the charts in the forest? "Don't Stop De-leafing"!
-
I do my best to stay out of Philadelphia since I'm not into "Brotherly love!"
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My dressmaking career hangs by a thread
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A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
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Been schoven under the guillotine, looking down in the bag full of cut-off heads, I think it will hurt my falling down there...
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I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
-
An Irish man, Scots man and Welsh man walk into a bar. An English man would be with them but he's still playing in the Euros!!
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Great Deal for anyone interested, I'm giving away batteries, free of charge!
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Did you hear the one about the politician who told the truth? Yeah, I didn't either.
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
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My friend said he once threw a stick two miles and his dog still brought it back… Seems a bit far-fetched to me!
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My friend said he once threw a stick two miles and his dog still brought it back… Seems a bit far-fetched to me!
Now that 's merit worthy!
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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"Was he really an astronaut?" the blonde's friend asked her, after her date the night before. "I guess so," the blonde shrugged. "He said he wanted to explore the space between my legs."
-
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
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My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
:emot_rotf.gif:
The washcloth didn't like the towel's sense of humor. It was rather dry.
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I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
-
Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than thirty seconds? By the way, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
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Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than thirty seconds? By the way, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What and you a mother- how cruel and merit award winning!
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
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I was bored yesterday and watched the World Origami Championships on tv. It was on Paperview.
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I was bored yesterday and watched the World Origami Championships on tv. It was on Paperview.
To think some thing that bad earned you a merit
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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I saw a snake steal a pie off a windowsill. I guess it was a pie-thon!
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I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados... It's only a draft at the moment.
-
I named my racehorse Darius. Darius, and d'er he goes!
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I heard on the radio today that a hooker was caught on the field then I realize that they were talking about the rugby match!
-
"So you spent 3 years at Yale?" they asked me in my job interview.
"Yes," I replied.
"Well, you could be the man we're looking for then, to fill this position."
"That's good, because I could really use the yob!"
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What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
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What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
Merit for that! :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_rotf.gif:
Two skeletons are standing in a closet. One says to the other, "I'd walk out of here, but I don't have the guts."
-
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
-
The criminal had a bad stutter. His lawyer argued to the judge to not send him to prison. "Your honor, he'll never be able to finish his sentence."
-
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
-
I got fired from my job as a groundskeeper at the golf course. A young lady had complained to me that she was stung by a wasp between the first and second holes. I told her that wasn't my fault and suggested she should be wearing underwear when she was out on the course.
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So apparently it's considered wrong to say "An just 'grind his nuts' to make sure you'll have enough to make a cake when you host a cooking show!
-
I've always had a long memory. I remember to tell things to people LONGGGGG after I was supposed to!
-
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
-
I just heard my company's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch that might be me.
-
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
-
I accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
-
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
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I accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
:emot_rotf.gif: a merit for that Rachel!
What happens when business slows right down at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.
-
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
-
Well, I got fired at work today. My boss said my communication skills weren’t up to scratch. I didn’t know what to say.
-
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
-
I got a new job at the Heinz pickle factory. Got fired for sticking my fingers in the pickle slicer. She got fired too.
-
So how do you explain to people that your on the sex offenders list for eating Branston Pickle
-
I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records. My boyfriend said it sounds like I need help. I told him no, I already have that one!
-
Little Johnny was in sex ed class. The teacher asked him how he viewed lesbian relationships. He said, "In full HD!" He got sent to the principal's office. Apparently that wasn't the right answer.
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I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records. My boyfriend said it sounds like I need help. I told him no, I already have that one!
Only a merit can make that bad pun go away!
People who punish others with bad puns need to be severely pun-ished
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The Alphabet kids were out playing in the yard. J got stung by a B, and K poked D with a golf T. Mama Alphabet came out and said, "Stop that before someone loses an I and I have to spank U." Q said, "O I have to P."
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
-
I passed chef school. I completed all courses.
-
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
-
Apple announced they are entering the car manufacturing business. Not sure how well their cars will sell though. They'll have no Windows and no Chrome.
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Apple announced they are entering the car manufacturing business. Not sure how well their cars will sell though. They'll have no Windows and no Chrome.
So merit worthy!
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
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Ham and eggs walk into a bar, the waiter tells them, ‘Hey! we don’t serve breakfast here’
-
The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
-
The cardiac surgeon was talking to the woman who's husband he was performing a heart transplant on. "Ma'am, your husband isn't going to survive this operation. He wanted to tell you himself but he hasn't got the heart."
-
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
-
I was a lawyer for 25 years before I went to culinary school. Now, I'm a sue chef.
-
What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
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What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
:emot_rotf.gif: MERIT!
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What happens when a police officer goes to bed?
He goes undercover.
-
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
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I dated an invisible woman. She wasn't much to look at.
-
The foundation of our new association was a tearing challenge!
We call it hymen rights watch...
-
I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
-
I said to my girlfriend, "If you were a fruit, you'd be a FINEapple.......but if you were a vegetable......I'd pull the plug!"
-
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
-
How does an Inuit man build his house? Igloos it together.
-
If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.
-
I thought I'd make a fortune growing pot, but I realized my expectations were too high!
-
Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
-
My blonde girlfriend told me she was getting her wages cut by a quarter at her job. "Big deal!" she said. "Like they're cutting my wages by 25 cents! That's nothing!" I just shook my head.
-
Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
-
I went to a restaurant and wanted to order a raw steak. "Can you do that?" I asked the waiter. "Yes," he said, " but it is very rare."
-
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
-
Why can't penguins play football at the South Pole? There's snowballs.
-
My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.
-
Why is a penguin's head always cold? He wears ice caps.
-
This butter is delicious
Actually it ghee
Ah thanks for clarifying!
-
What happens when you cross an angry sheep with a cow? You get a farm animal in a really baaaaaad mooooood!
-
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
-
The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde woman's driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.
“What does it look like?” the woman asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
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The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde woman's driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.
“What does it look like?” the woman asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
merit earned !
I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
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The obese man was at the doctor's office. "I don't want to say I have an eating problem, doc. But last week at work, I snuck into the meeting room and ate a whole pie chart!"
-
The girlfriend placed a plate of salad in front of me and i got all excited and tingly from my head Tomatoes
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Miles Davis was a very well-known American trumpet player. However we never heard much of his British cousin, Kilometers Davis.
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While on vacation in Europe my boss's Visa was cancelled, but he didn't care since he also had a Mastercard with him!
-
What Spice Girl can carry petrol? Gerri Can!
-
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.
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Hotel wasn’t up to standard I asked for a reduction in cost ,was told “We do not negotiate with Tourists and that was that.
-
If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
-
I know why they call them traffic fines. You go to court to fight the ticket, lose, and the judge tells you to pay up, and you say, "ALL RIGHT! FINE! I'll pay the damn thing!"
-
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
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Guy got arrested having a wank in public, it never stood up in court
-
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
-
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
:emot_rotf.gif: MERIT!
Never play poker with Queen Elizabeth in the bathroom. She'll always beat you with a royal flush!
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Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
:emot_rotf.gif: MERIT!
Never play poker with Queen Elizabeth in the bathroom. She'll always beat you with a royal flush!
An merit returned!
My girlfriend tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
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I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
-
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
-
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
-
The astronomer had anal sex with his young college intern, telling her, "This is the best way to explore Uranus!"
-
I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
-
I went to a doctor and told him I thought I was developing brain cancer. "Don't worry," He said. "It's all in your head."
-
Did you hear about the incompetent postman , he got the sack.
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I knew a girl in high school whose nickname was Front Door. She liked getting slammed every night.
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I knew a girl in high school whose nickname was Front Door. She liked getting slammed every night.
Naughty by nice! Merit from me!
I was dating a girl who claimed to be the town bike, I really don't think that was true, not with a flat pair like that!
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I had another girlfriend who was nicknamed Pancake. When she was done on one side she liked to be flipped over.
-
A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”
-
My wife told me she's leaving if I don't quit playing poker with my friends every night. Between you and me.......I think she's bluffing.
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I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
-
I phoned into work today and told them I wasn't coming in. "I was told to take it easy," I said. "Who told you that?" my boss asked. "A doctor?" "No," I replied. "The Eagles".
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I phoned into work today and told them I wasn't coming in. "I was told to take it easy," I said. "Who told you that?" my boss asked. "A doctor?" "No," I replied. "The Eagles".
Damn will have to try that merit worth excuse!
Hey!, Did you hear about the glass blower who accidentally inhaled? He got a stomach pane.
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"Its not about how many times you stumble, its about how many times you get back up." I said, to which the policeman replied, "Miss, thats not how a sobriety test works!"
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"Its not about how many times you stumble, its about how many times you get back up." I said, to which the policeman replied, "Miss, thats not how a sobriety test works!"
Let me guess he pulled over a blonde right?
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
-
To the person who stole my place in line today at the supermarket, just remember. Now I'm after you!
-
Some words of advice- Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
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I've spent the last six years writing a novel on penguins and now I'm finally finished. On retrospect I probably should have used paper!
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I've spent the last six years writing a novel on penguins and now I'm finally finished. On retrospect I probably should have used paper!
Now that is just cruel! and merit worthy!
It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle…He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
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It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle…He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
Very funny, made me laugh that one.
My ex boyfriend accused me of cheating and asked me if he was the only one I've been with. I told him yes, all the others have been nines and tens!
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It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle…He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
Very funny, made me laugh that one.
My ex boyfriend accused me of cheating and asked me if he was the only one I've been with. I told him yes, all the others have been nines and tens!
Now I have to say that seems a little harsh!
My dad and I were at the driving range hitting golf balls. He steps up to take a big shot, strains himself a little too hard and simultaneously rips a fart as he hits the ball. "Hit the shit outta that one didn't you!"
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I'm suing the airport for losing my luggage. My lawyer told me I've already lost the case.
-
Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
-
The police arrived on my doorstep and said I was under arrest for attempting to download the entire Wikipedia.
As they handcuffed me, I yelled out, "Wait! I can explain everything!"
-
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
-
My friend Phillip was in an accident at work today and lost his lip. Now we just call him Phil.
-
My friend Phillip was in an accident at work today and lost his lip. Now we just call him Phil.
That is merit worthy
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American'. I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
-
People are shocked to find out I'm not a very good electrician.
-
I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it
-
My friend asked why I had a chocolate bar inside my shirt sleeve. "I'm training to be a magician. I've got some Twix up my sleeve."
-
My friend asked why I had a chocolate bar inside my shirt sleeve. "I'm training to be a magician. I've got some Twix up my sleeve."
That is bad enough to earn you a merit
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
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I got fired from my job today. I kept asking customers if they would like 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'. Apparently the correct terms are 'cremation' and 'burial'.
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I got fired from my job today. I kept asking customers if they would like 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'. Apparently the correct terms are 'cremation' and 'burial'.
Never thought of it like that before- merit for making me think!
I know a woman with a taser, Man she is stunning!
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I told my therapist I have a fear of the cold. She told me to just chill out.
-
I have a feeling that this is going to be a great Halloween, I can feel it in my bones!
-
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
-
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
-
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What can I get for you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What can I get for you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
That was so merit worthy bad!
A wife says to her husband that a moose is falling from the sky. The husband looks and says, it's just reindeer.
-
The not-so-bright girl came home from school one day. "Mom, I have good news! That IQ test they made me take yesterday? It came back negative!"
-
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
-
The sky looked ominous outside. I said to my Siri, "Surely it's not going to snow today, is it?" Siri replied, "Yes, the forecast is for snow today, and my name is not Shirley." That was when I realized I had left Siri in Airplane mode.
-
If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?
-
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
-
I had to clean out my spice rack and noticed that everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
-
The lousy musician was always locked out of his house. He could never find the right key.
-
My gilfriend refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she's just being clothes-minded!
-
So many people think sex jokes are gross. Well, cum on people!
-
To be frank, I'd have to change my name!
-
To be quite honest, I've never told the truth.
-
I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
-
I tried to tell a joke during a Zoom meeting. My boss said, "That wasn't even remotely funny."
-
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
-
The most untrustworthy thing in the world are atoms, they literally make up everything!
-
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
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I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
You could perform some magic to bring the fog back, I hear its mist tickle!
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My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an 'i'.
-
I know people are always sad on Monday. But 2 days before is a sadder day.
-
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
-
I had unprotected phone sex. Now I have hearing aids.
-
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
-
My friend the vegan said, "Butchers who sell meat are disgusting." I replied "Yes, but people who sell tofu are grocer!"
-
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
-
Today I saw an alligator in a vest. I think he was an investigator.
-
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
-
You can tuna fish by adjusting their scales emot_omfg.gif
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I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
-
Listening to rap music is kind of like eating a chocolate bar. Afterwards you throw away the rapper.
-
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
-
I participated in a car race across Sweden. It ended when we got to the Finnish line.
-
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.
-
I once played poker with Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Jodie Sweetin. I won with a full house.
-
I went to a friends house party and stumbled onto a cabinet full of jelly. I guess you could say the party was jam-packed.
-
I was fired from my job at the sugar factory. They gave me a sweet severance package.
-
A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”
-
Scientists are looking at the possibility of eradicating blindness with bionic eye implants. A spokesman for the blind said he couldn't see it happening anytime soon.
-
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
-
I worked as a vacuum cleaner salesman. I didn't sell that many. For some reason people would just look weird at me when I'd tell them, "These things really suck!"
-
I was thinking about an old car I owned that got stuck in reverse gear. That took me back.
-
I was working at a gas station and the owner told me I was really good at filling tires with air. That gave me quite the inflated ego.
-
Tammy broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine!
-
I asked my blonde date if she'd like anal sex. She said, "No damn way! I'd take it up the ass before I do that!"
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I asked my blonde date if she'd like anal sex. She said, "No damn way! I'd take it up the ass before I do that!"
Now that's merit worthy
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.
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Physics is like incest. It's all relative.
-
Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?
-
Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?
:emot_rotf.gif: I get it! Merit earned.
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Someone threw sodium chloride at me! That's a salt!
-
I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
-
Q: Why can you never trust atoms? A: They make up everything.
-
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
-
I drank some bad milk. It put me in quite a sour mood.
-
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
-
Found a Delorean sports car for sale online. The ad said it had "very low mileage. Was previously owned by an eccentric old man who only drove it from time to time."
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Found a Delorean sports car for sale online. The ad said it had "very low mileage. Was previously owned by an eccentric old man who only drove it from time to time."
Now that is merit worthy!
I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.
-
The baker hired a young teenage boy to work for him. The boy was a bit of a slacker and not a very good worker. The baker got mad one day and began yelling at him. "Now get to work and start making that bread! It's the yeast you could do!"
-
The piano tuner was considered the best in the business, No matter who how much the customer complained he was able to tune them out!
-
Why did the rope go to the doctor? Because it had a knot in its stomach.
-
I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.
-
For years I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
-
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
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U2’s first few albums have been remastered without the guitars on them. It certainly takes the Edge off them.
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U2’s first few albums have been remastered without the guitars on them. It certainly takes the Edge off them.
So merit worthy!
At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
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U2’s first few albums have been remastered without the guitars on them. It certainly takes the Edge off them.
So merit worthy!
At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
ALSO merit worthy! :emot_rotf.gif:
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A friend of mine is a musician. He used to be in a band called The Hinges, used to be quite big. They supported The Doors.
-
I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.
-
A man goes to the doctor and says “I keep singing Delilah”. The doctor says “It’s Tom Jones Syndrome.” The patient asks “Is it common?” The doctor replies, “It’s Not Unusual…”
-
I go into my doctor and he asks me to tell him about the symptoms. So I tell him that the kids and parents are yellow, father is Homer and his wife Marge has blue hair!"
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I go into my doctor and he asks me to tell him about the symptoms. So I tell him that the kids and parents are yellow, father is Homer and his wife Marge has blue hair!"
:emot_rotf.gif:
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I bought an old television set at a garage sale for $50. It had a broken volume control. I couldn’t turn it down.
-
I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.
-
Trying to figure out the reason why I have such difficulty with operating my doorbell. I just can’t put my finger on it.
-
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
-
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
-
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
-
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
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What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
Only if you can quit laughing to apply it! Merit awarded!
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Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better.
-
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged! :emot_rotf.gif:
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged! :emot_rotf.gif:
That earns a merit when I'm allowed to give one!
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
-
What’s the difference between your penis and a paycheque?
Your wife's always willing to blow your paycheque.
-
Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
-
What’s better than pansies on a piano?
Tulips on your organ!
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
-
I just had sex in an elevator.
It was great on so many levels.
-
I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.
-
I had an accident working at the window factory when I fell on a pile of glass. I had a pane in the butt.
-
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
That needs a merit!
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
-
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!
-
Do you know what the most infuriating thing is about cliffhangers???
-
Do you know what the most infuriating thing is about cliffhangers???
:emot_rotf.gif:
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner ... well, it was just collecting dust.
-
Do you know what the most infuriating thing is about cliffhangers???
Now that is merit worthy!
Q- What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: "Beef Jerky!"
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I paid two grand for a purebred dog. I shih tzu not!
-
I planned to tell you about a dude who only ate plants but I'm sure you have heard of Herb Avoire
-
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty.
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How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty.
That is so bad that it's merit worthy when allowed to send one!
If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
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I was in a relationship with a hairdresser but we broke up; I guess all good things must comb to an end.
-
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
-
Personally I think the Chris Rock/Will Smith thing was staged. I looked into the crowd and they were all paid actors!
-
Who was the idiot that called it a vet instead of a dogtor?
-
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
-
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
-
Lost one of my arms in an accident. Glad I still have my right arm, it's all I have left.
-
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
-
I tried to thumb a ride, but all I got was the finger.
-
The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.
-
Now, I don't want to say my ex boyfriend was an idiot but I did catch him one night staying up late to study for a urine test.
-
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right.
-
The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.
Merit-worthy! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV.
But Abu Dhabi Do!
-
When you get married, please remember this old Confucius saying: "Seven days on honeymoon makes one hole weak."
-
Back in the day at the video store, I asked to rent Batman Forever.
The clerk said, "No, you have to bring it back on Thursday."
-
Two Foreign car owners hit head on, now both would tell you there SAAB story!
-
I recently joined an amateur autopsy group and I'm looking forward to Saturday, it's Open Mike Night!!
-
Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.
-
Beer is good for what ales you.
-
Can someone tell me why when inmates of a mental institution is out of their room it's called walking the hallways and not walking the psycho path?
-
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
-
I asked the girlfriend what's for dinner as I coped a feel of her from behind. "Oh just breasts and legs!"
-
I had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.
-
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
-
I was dating a girl who didn't like Star Wars. I was looking for love in all the Alderaan places.
-
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution!
-
I was a cook in the air force. Every morning while making breakfast I was ordered to scramble.
-
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
-
Did I tell you about the time I submitted 10 puns to a pun contest? I thought I had written winners but when the competition ended I checked and no pun in ten did.
-
I ran into lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained a light injuries.
-
The caveman told his son to quit banging stones together. "I don't like rock music," he said.
-
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
-
I stopped drinking for good......now I drink for evil.
-
There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom.
-
Don't let the sun go down on me. or the Dawn Might not be the first one up before the Sun
-
Seems so appropriate to post this one
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
-
Seems so appropriate to post this one
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
dawns all over him
-
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.
-
Instead of me drunk dialing you, allow me to enjoy the party and alcohol you later.
-
I don't have Dawn Amber's patience but, then again, I only play doctor. (this thread isn't for me. I suck. lol)
-
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
-
Since I royally suck at this, I'll go with a timeless children's pun: Why did 6 fear 7? because seven ate nine! rimshot :emot_rotf.gif: :emot_laughing.gif: ;)
I now bid this this thread adieu forever. 8)
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What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
-
There are two rules in life:-
1. Never give out all the information.
-
There is a 5-part documentary coming out about The Beastie Boys. Part A, B, C, and D will be available on TV. You have to fight for the right to Part E.
-
There is a 5-part documentary coming out about The Beastie Boys. Part A, B, C, and D will be available on TV. You have to fight for the right to Part E.
Now that's worth a merit when allowed to give one!
I can cut down a tree only using my vision. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!
-
I wanted to go swimming so I went to the ool. There's no p there.
-
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
-
Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.
-
Got to love South Korea, it a great place with a lot of Seoul!
-
My boyfriend takes me out for Fish and Chips and I go and ruin it by saying this plaice smells funny.
-
I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.
-
My husband has the heart of a lion and that’s why he’s banned from the zoo
-
Learnt something today! It's alright to say "One Man's trash is another man's treasure" As long as your not talking to an adopted child!
-
A good conservation is a lot like a skirt.
Short enough to get people interested
Long enough to cover the topic.
-
Think like a proton and stay positive!
-
My new boyfriend is cute but he’s a pyromaniac we met on match.com
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My new boyfriend is cute but he’s a pyromaniac we met on match.com
Wow that is bad!
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
-
Did you hear about the man who tried to sue the airport about the missing luggage? He lost his case!
-
Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo to talk about but there days you can talk about getting Botox without raising an eyebrow!
-
Had to complain about my neighbors explicit garden. She got breast in-plants
-
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
-
Merit worthy xxxx
I just burned 2000 calories today, I fell asleep and left the pizza in the oven.
-
Well at least you only did a pizza, I've been known for burning two at a time
I renamed my iPod, The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing."
-
So apparently the reason Prince Andrew wasn't at the Queens Jubilee events was because he has gone down with COVID-19. I find this hard to believe as he never goes down on anything over 15.
-
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
-
What happens when you drive a Subaru backward?
U R A BUS
-
Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
-
My daughter made £110 on her lemonade stand today in the first hour. Turns out people were handing her £5 and £10 notes and she was just assertively saying "Thank you for the tip" and not offering change!
-
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
-
I got a job operating the elevator at the CN Tower. It's a good job but it has its ups and downs.
-
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
-
I didn't realize buying bathroom scales was regulated now. I tried to buy one the other day and was told there was a 10 day weighting period.
-
15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.
-
I had to get my car fixed after I ended up hitting a stag on the road. It cost me deerly.
-
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!
-
My job at the soap factory is the best-paying job I've ever had. I'm really cleaning up!
-
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.
-
Empires were run by emperors, kingdoms were run by kings........so we know who runs countries.
-
I must ketchup on my romance novels some are quite saucy!
-
I enrolled in an online course teaching embalming. I'm dying to get started.
-
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
-
I wrote an essay for my history exam about the USSR. I got full Marx
-
I tried to break up a fight under the pier the other day, it was Roe versus Wade!
-
I tried to break up a fight under the pier the other day, it was Roe versus Wade!
In the “So bad it’s good” category
A Persian man jumped out at me so Iran
-
If you cross an owl and a rooster, do you get a cock that stays up all night?
-
I was training to get my pilot's license but I failed my solo flight. I flew so low I hit a powerline!
-
My girlfriend got upset with me when i passed her the can of grated cheese. said it reminded her of what happened at the last Dungeon and Dragons game she was at - Formage Rape
-
I wanted to ask the flight attendant for more snacks but I didn't have the nuts.
-
Can someone tell me when you know that a Smurf is feeling blue?
-
Smurfette took me home and said she'd show me a good time. She blue me.
-
Sometimes I read a text message and think 'What a psychopathic bitch'...
Then I press send!
-
Sometimes I read a text message and think 'What a psychopathic bitch'...
Then I press send!
:emot_rotf.gif: Worthy of a merit.
-
I found out one of my ancestors may have been a vampire. Now I can't even look at myself in a mirror.
-
I got my cousin Vlad a great job. He's a night watch man at the local blood bank!
-
My boyfriend was telling me the other day that he thinks the next James Bond should be a woman. He said just think of all the car crashes, explosions and bad language... And thats just from her parking!
-
i was feeling nostalgic the other night so i went through my old computers, Ah the memories!
-
My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays. I replied, "I'm not sure. It could be my weekend immune system."
-
My new safe word in the bedroom is “Meatloaf” because I’ll do anything for love but I wont do that!
-
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.
-
"Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
"No sir, your pizza will be round".
-
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
-
Why is leather armor good to wear when you're trying to be stealthy?
It's made of hide.
-
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
-
Sometimes I bought love from Penny! It was worth any...
-
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
-
I had a boyfriend once who broke up with me because in my wardrobe I had a police woman's outfit, nurses uniform, airline stewardess uniform and a full dominatrix catsuit. He said he couldnt be with someone that has problems keeping a stable job!
-
So far today, I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!
-
I asked my boyfriend to sort out the leaking taps, he said he wasn't a plumber. I then asked him to fix the broken shelf, he said he wasn't a builder. As he was leaving to go to the pub I asked him to look at the blown fuse, he said he wasn't an electrician. He came back six hours later and I told him the neighbour had kindly done the jobs I'd asked him to do. He asked me if he wanted any payment, I told him that the neighbour said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him. My boyfriend asked what cake I made, I just looked at him and said what do you mean? I'm not a baker!
-
I asked my boyfriend to sort out the leaking taps, he said he wasn't a plumber. I then asked him to fix the broken shelf, he said he wasn't a builder. As he was leaving to go to the pub I asked him to look at the blown fuse, he said he wasn't an electrician. He came back six hours later and I told him the neighbour had kindly done the jobs I'd asked him to do. He asked me if he wanted any payment, I told him that the neighbour said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him. My boyfriend asked what cake I made, I just looked at him and said what do you mean? I'm not a baker!
Now that is worth a merit!
I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.
I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.
-
It wasn't hard to tell I was getting close to the highway. All the signs were there.
-
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
-
A thief stole my bed. I'm not taking this lying down!
-
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
-
My girlfriend wanted to see a diamond, so I took her to a baseball game.
-
I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.
-
My wife said I was such a poor lover; I couldn't even turn on the tv.
-
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
-
I told my girlfriend she was like a steep stairway. She just needed a good railing.
-
Why did Mozart end up getting rid of his chickens? Because they kept saying "bach bach!"
-
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
-
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
-
I was sitting in the waiting room at the medical clinic when a man came running through yelling, "HEY! HEY! HEY!" at the top of his lungs. The nurse at the front desk said, "Don't mind him. It's just HEY! fever season."
-
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
-
You could make pencils with erasers at both ends but what would be the point?
-
When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.
-
I spilled glue on my girlfriend. I guess I'm stuck with her now.
-
There was an accident on the TransCanada Highway just outside of the Manitoba/Ontario border. thousand bottles of Vick's Vapo-Rub was broken over the lanes. Police expect no congestion from the accident!
-
I got very drunk at a restaurant once and was shocked and disgusted by their unhygienic toilets. There were people cooking in there!
-
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.
-
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.
MERIT! :emot_rotf.gif:
-
It's so easy for trees to get online, they just log in!
-
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
-
I bought some spices at the grocery store and heard a ruckus in the backseat as I drove home. I realized I had bought party thyme.
-
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
-
I had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens. It was counterproductive.
-
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
-
I once worked as the manager of a sawmill. I was Chairman of the boards.
-
My girlfriend likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.
-
A famous person once told me it's a long way to the top. I said, "Have you never heard of an elevator?"
-
I can't Reese-ist a good Halloween pun.
-
Chickens live a very simple egg-sistence.
-
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
-
The chemist had a problem so he poured sugar into water. It was a good solution.
-
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
-
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band “The Police” went undercover to catch a criminal?
It was a Sting operation.
-
What was so wrong about me showing up to the door with a microphone? After all shouted out it "The Police"!
-
I got lost the other night taking my girlfriend out for supper. We pasta the restaurant.
-
The police on the scene of my death didn't who what killed me, all they knew was I was face down in my plate, pastaway!
-
I was at a restaurant when I found a hare in my soup. I thought I'd ordered chicken noodle.
-
When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
-
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software into hardware.
-
It’s gonna be a great Halloween — I can feel it in my bones!
-
My left knee has never committed a crime. I can’t say the same for his felony.
-
I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!
-
In school, I was so bad at math. I couldn't count how many times I failed.
-
Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there’s gonna be hell toupee.
-
What did the executioner read every morning?
The noose-paper.
-
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? I guess we'll just have to make dew.
-
I wasn't sure if I liked my beard but then it grew on me.
-
I stayed up all night trying to remember what I lived about the sunrise, then it dawned on me!
-
What does a clock do when it gets hungry"
It goes back four seconds.
-
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
-
One slice of bread said to the other slice of bread, "Watch out for that table knife. He's a smooth talker. He'll try to really butter you up."
-
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
-
When I retired from my job at the mirror factory, I had many reflections of my past accomplishments.
-
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
Rosa
Rosa who?
Rosa corn grows in the field.
-
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
-
I’ve got a joke about Elton John. It’s a little bit funny.
-
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
-
Have you ever heard of the 1980s new wave band called The Prevention? They were much better than The Cure.
-
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me…
-
I got sick after drinking a protein shake. The doctor said I probably had whey too much.
-
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
-
If you run in front of a car, you might get tired, but if you run behind a car, you’ll get exhausted!
-
The French revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
-
When the Titanic's captain saw the iceberg ahead, he got a real sinking feeling.
-
Coach Butt pushed his team The Doodies into the Toilet Bowl. But, his team was playing like crap after a heavy load. And even though Coach knew his #1 was flushed, he pointed at him and said... Urine!
-
If you get a kidney infection, urine a lot of pain.
-
If you get a kidney infection, urine a lot of pain.
Something that I can attest to!
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
-
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory for coming in late. My boss told me I had a week excuse.
-
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
-
My girlfriend scoffed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't so skeptical when she saw me drive pasta.
-
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
-
My trip to the ski resort started off well, but as soon as I hit the slopes, everything went downhill….
-
Got Into the festive mood and made my girlfriend something to drink. She said, "This hot chocolate is delicious, may I have some myrrh?"
-
I had a meltdown while trying to rearrange my bedroom closet. I guess I need hanger management.
-
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick on all the other days ? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..
-
I’ve got to be honest, I’m running out of puns. I have to stop at the fabric store for new material.
-
There's nothing I love more than closing my eyes and picturing your face... you might say it's my dream job.
-
Back in the days before TV remotes, my dad would make me get up to adjust the volume on the tv. The volume dial became known as the "son dial".
-
I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it
-
I had a really incredible story to tell about what happened to me back in July, but summer not going to believe it.
-
I'm so happy because Autumn leaves a smile on my face!
-
Getting my teeth fixed took quite a bite out of my savings account.
-
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
-
I got really sick after drinking milk with cream. My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.
-
Storks don't deliver babies with their diapers on. They come stork naked.
-
I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
-
There’s nothing better than presents from friends and family on your birthday. Unless it’s the presence of friends and family on your birthday.
-
A cartoonist was found murdered in his home. Police said details are sketchy.
-
Not sure If I want to make some spiced apple cider, so I’ll just mull over it.
-
After the transvestite escaped from prison the only thing the police could tell the press was that she was still a broad.
-
My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the apartment is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.
-
I could tell my neighbor was a drug dealer. His houth wath a real meth.
-
Did you hear about the girl who tried to smuggle drugs in her bra ? Police said, it led to a bigger bust.
-
"The cops think I was smuggling drugs to another planet!" the guy told his lawyer.
"What made them think that?" asked the lawyer.
"They said, 'We know the cocaine's in your anus!'"
-
I think I'm going to start a clown shoe business. But it’s no small feat!
-
Most people can’t write poetry. They should leave it to the prose.
-
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better.
-
My family tree has always been known for its large crop of nuts.
-
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
-
Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.
-
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
-
Cleaning with alcohol doesn't work...NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
-
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
-
When it's cold outside I spend a lot of time indoors, surfing the winternet.
-
I found out I was pregnant today, I came back to my boyfriend and he just said.
“You’re kidding me”
-
I just got an email asking me to spell maps backward. It was spam.
-
I just got an email asking me to spell maps backward. It was spam.
Very good and merit worthy!
I got a ladder in my tights today but it’s ok my husband wanted to do it on the roof.
-
My girlfriend was stung by a bee while golfing. She said, "It happened between the first and second holes." I told her she should have been wearing panties.
-
My boyfriend got me a Diamond necklace I wanted for Christmas and moaning about it. I just told him it’s down to the high cost of loving
-
Bill's wife told him for Christmas to get her something that would go from 0 to 100 in less than 30 seconds. He bought her a bathroom scale. Police are still searching for Bill's body.
-
My girl friend is pissed at me. The other day she said she would love a necklace so the other night I gave her a Pearl necklace!
-
I tried to invent a car made completely out of wood, but it wooden run.
-
I went to buy a new mattress the other day. I wasn't sure about it, so the salesman told me to go away and sleep on it.
-
I was working at the clock factory and had to throw out a bunch that wasn't put together properly. My boss chewed my ass out and told me I was wasting time.
-
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water you can safely wear it on your head because it capsized
-
Christmas trees wear skirts so you won’t cedar roots.
-
Remember, smaller babies may be delivered by a stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
-
I have a joke about a car, but it might drive you crazy.
-
The best time to open a gift is the present.
-
There's a new movie coming out about a group of mental patients who hijack a train to get to the North Pole and search for Santa Claus. It's called "Bi-Polar Express."
-
I finished a book that had no words, it was called "The Invisible Diaries"
-
My doctor told me I have a condition that will take away my ability to talk. I was speechless.
-
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
-
Who was the world’s first stock broker?
Noah – He floated his stock while the world was in liquidation.
-
One day a duck went shopping. After choosing a lot of stuff at the cash register, he said to the cashier, "Put it on my bill"
-
I saw a young boy sitting on the sidewalk stroking a duck feather. I said, "Hey, what's up?" The boy said, "I'm feeling down."
-
Who do elves drink a lot of bottled water at the North Pole. Because there’s “No well, No well, the angels did say.
-
The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
-
I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!
-
I was shocked to find out you shouldn't stick your finger in a light socket.
-
A horse walked into a bar and the Bartender cried out "Hey" The horse said "Buddy you just read my mind!"
-
Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.
-
7 Of 9 Star Trek Jokes are funny!
-
It's like a refrigerator outside. Nothing but Frigid Air.
-
An empty bottle walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already drunk."
-
They say that one person in every group of friends has the potential to be a serial killer...
So I smothered Sara at our last girls sleepover, just in case it was her.
-
I was fired as a software engineer, I just couldn't get with the program!
-
I was told that a good way to encourage good behaviour from your kids is to wrap up empty cardboard boxes and put them under the Christmas tree. Then when they misbehave you can throw one of them in the fire. This went fine until I had the dilemma when I ran out of kids!
-
What a terrible day I've had. I broke my zipper, bit I fixed it on the fly!
-
My wife threw a bowl of jello at me. I had her charged with assault using a congealed weapon.
-
New Year's Factoid- If you were born in September, then it's a pretty safe to assume that your parents brought in the new years with a bang!
-
My dry cleaner was charged with money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.
-
Stealing someone's coffee is a crime called "Mugging"
-
Little Johnny needed to go to the washroom but the teacher told him he had to recite the alphabet first.
" ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ" he rattled off.
"Good job, little Johnny," the teacher said, "but you missed 'P'."
"No," replied little Johnny. "It's in my pants!"
-
Why did the Buddhist Refused Novocain during his Root Canal- he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication
-
The dyslexic atheist didn't believe in Dog.
-
Urologists have been blessed with the golden opportunities to know how to go with the flow and how to make the lives of their patients a wee bit better!
-
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.
-
Who is the proper person to talk to on New Year Eve? The person in the kitchen making the toast!
-
What is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
-
Why did the sewer worker wear glasses? Because he couldn't see shit without them!
-
I lost my glasses while I was having sex. I couldn't see her coming.
-
Gardening takes a lot of water and that makes a lot of perspiration!
-
The wife and I got into an argument over how to make dynamite. Things really blew up!
-
Can you tell me if athletes get athlete's foot then do aliens get Missile toe when they come to earth at Christmas time?
-
Never marry a tennis player! To them, love means nothing!
-
If Satan went bald would there be hell toupee?
-
What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle
-
I asked a baker why he stopped making donuts, he said he was tired of the hole thing!
-
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
-
Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer!
-
I offered my teddy bear a piece of cake. He said, "No thank you. I'm too stuffed!"
-
Old Garbage men never die, the do feel down in the dumps!
-
What did the two chefs do after their wedding?
They consomme-ted their marriage!
-
Hello Miss, why eat your curds and whey alone when you can have your way with me!
-
The spider parents were concerned their teenage daughter spent too much time chatting with her friends on the web.
-
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
-
Is a jalapeño hot? No, it’s actually a little chilli.
-
I was asked by a reporter if I've seen Bigfoot and I replied not yeti!
-
I always feel strongest on Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days.
-
Vodka might not be the answer but it is worth a shot!
-
I had a job at a factory making hearing aids. We wanted to unionize but management wouldn't hear of it!
-
A Dentist and a Manicurist got married but they fought tooth and nail!
-
What do you call a guy with a small penis?
“Just-in.”
-
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?
His legacy is a pizza History!
-
How are a woman and a street alike?
They both got manholes.
-
I need some enlightenment- If you have chickens in your backyard then are you considered a chicken tender?
-
The sign outside of the local brothel when it had to shut down read, "Beat it! We're closed!"
-
A guy walked into a Psychiatrist office, wearing only plastic wrap shorts. The Psychiatrist said, "Well I can clearly see your nuts!"
-
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
"Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob."
-
What did the blonde say after dropping her coffee cup?
Well that's the end of my coffee break!
-
Two blondes fell down a well. One says to the other one, "It's so dark down here!" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
-
What do you call the people in the front of an ambulance?
A Pair of Medics!
-
My girlfriend asked me what was hanging from the rearview mirror of my car.
I said, "Hey, it's a pair of dice by the dashboard lights!"
-
Do you know what happened when the cannibals ate the Missionaries- They got a taste of religion!
-
Do you know what happened when the cannibals ate the Missionaries- They got a taste of religion!
Worthy of a merit! ;D
-
Hey baby, you must work at Subway, because you're giving me a foot long.
-
Did you hear about the constipated composer- He had troubles with his last movement!
-
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M
-
I'm only eating here because the guy who recommended it had no reservations about it!
-
A friend of mine used to install kitchen work surfaces, but they arrested him for counter fitting.
-
Why do Policemen have bigger balls than firemen? Why they sell more tickets!
-
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
-
C, E Flat and G Walked into a bar and the bartended said "Sorry we don't serve minors in this bar!"
-
My boss told me to stick two pieces of wood together.
I nailed it!
-
Did you her about the dyslexic Satanist- he sold his soul to Santa
-
A hooker in my neighborhood was arrested while riding a bicycle. The police charged her with pedaling sex.
-
A tip from your neighbourhood witch- no one likes spoiled children so use air tight containers!
-
I was working at a butcher shop and my boss fired me for sticking my fingers in the meat slicer. She got fired too.
-
Where did the IT guy go? He probably ransomeware.
-
70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.
-
Proof positive that the girlfriend is made at me. She asked me what I would like for dinner then sat a plate of ash in front of me!
-
A snake was in a bar. After a couple of drinks, he fell off his stool. The snake said to the bartender, "I'm sorry, I guess I just can't hold my liquor."
-
Question- If you stepped on Rapunzel's hair could you be charges with Tress passing?
-
I went to a seafood buffet last week... and pulled a mussel.
-
Somebody threw Cheese at me- really mature!
-
I ate some cheese from Holland. It was really gouda.
-
Question- If you ask a clerk in a liquor store to help you pick a good Scotch, does that make him your spirit guide?
-
Things are getting better between my wife and me. Today she called me "pretty stupid'. She never calls me "pretty"! ;D
-
I was in the grocery store this morning when a voice from behind me said cheese, so I turn around and smiled at them!
-
The dairy farmer started a side business raising ducks. He sold cheese and quackers.
-
A guy thought that he lost weight, going to show his wife he stepped on the scale and heard from his wife- "Guess a gain!
-
I do love drinking milk, but I prefer it when it's churned. It's butter that way.
-
I had to complain to the waiter that there was a fly in my chicken soup, he say he's sorry but the new cook used to ne a tailor!
-
I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
-
What are you considered if you can say farewell in multiply languages- Bye-Lingual!
-
For me, having sex is like eating Thanksgiving dinner. It's delicious and satisfying, and after we’re done, I’ll probably fall asleep.
-
A news report!
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
-
I read a book about famous people's basements. It was a best cellar.
-
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
-
I’ve never made Caesar salad before—but I can take a stab at it.
-
Seven Days without a pun makes one weak!
-
I was sick all week but felt better on Friday. Must be a result of my weekend immune system.
-
After my girfriemd got done rubbing the turkey, she had a lot of spare thyme on her hands!
-
The seafood restaurant was reported to the police. All their fish had been battered.
-
You know when I close my eyes, I can't see!
-
What is a pine tree’s favorite radio station?
Anything that plays the poplar hits.
-
Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side of his body cut off
He's all right now!
-
I was going to become a debater, but someone talked me out of it.
-
Sans Serif, script and monospace walked into a bar. About to take a stool the barman looked up and shouted, "Hey you three get out of here, we don't service your type in here!"
-
King Louis XVI of France was quite concerned when the French Revolution began. His chief adviser told him to not worry. "It's just some people rioting in the street. It's nothing to lose your head over!"
-
So you understand- When one door closes and another open, then it definitely means that your place is haunted and you should get out immediately!
-
I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance of having a smoking hot body!
-
(Now why would you want another smoking hot body, I really don't see any guy complaining about your body here and you know I don't complain about it! ;))
Hey did you read about a guy arrested for killing some vampires. The cops charged him with three counts of murder!
-
I used to just be a crastinator, then I went pro!
-
Just remember when you have a bladder infection, urine trouble!
-
Why did Soviet Union’s version of the Concorde a failure
It was too left wing
-
A guy walked into a graveyard bar and asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender replies "Sorry we only serve spirits here!"
-
I was fired from my job at the chocolate bar factory. Now I have a Skor to settle!
-
I asked my friend for one of their Kit Kat fingers, but they accidentally dropped it. It was actually a Butterfinger.
-
I knew a girl in school we all called Butter. Her legs were easy to spread.
-
Sexual harassment is a touchy subject.
-
Something to Ponder- If you drink half a bottle of whiskey, then is the bottle half full or half empty
Just a little thing to ponder while your fully loaded!
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I hear my furnace running. Time to chase it down again.
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I had to return the Mattress I ordered from Ireland, no where did it say that it contained at least one Irish Spring!
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At the restaurant, I ordered a rubber band sandwich and I told the waitress to make it snappy.
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Question- If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in Britain then who is?
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Did the man who invented the door knocker win the no-bell prize?
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Do you know if the guy who made the first vibrator was told "If you make it they will cum?"
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The wedding was beautiful. Everyone cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
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Everyone was shocked when the first baseman at the coed baseball game yelled "Please Gwen let's go past first base!"
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The prison baseball team had to fold. Somebody kept stealing all the bases.
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hey did you hear about Count Dracula dying after biting the guy who just finished the garlic salad. All the police said was, "He's just another victim of Buffett, The Vampire Slayer!"
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After seeing an ad for burial plots, I thought this was the last thing I needed.
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Can someone tell me is it good or bad that your vacuum sucks?
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Did you hear about the heavily disabled terrorist? He was armless
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Four Fonts walked into a bar only to have the bartender shout out- "Get out we don't serve your type in here!"
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They are selling snacks at adult shops now. Sexually A’salted peanuts
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If the Doctor uses a Sonic Screwdriver does that mean Captain Jack uses a sonic Minmosa?
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I told the landlord that I couldn't pay the rent and began to unbutton my top. He said that he was sure there was an arrangement that could be made and began to unbutton his jeans. The other Monopoly players at the table just watched in shock!!
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Started to comment that that would make a great consensual story until I read the Monopoly part. Man I never get into Monopoly that way! :emot_laughing.gif:
I overheard the young lady crying in the furniture store, "He said he could show me a mattress that I wouldn't even feel under me, so I turned around and he grabbed me and had his way with me! The police officer replied. "Well then Miss you can't deny that he never lied to you about the mattress!"
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Started to comment that that would make a great consensual story until I read the Monopoly part. Man I never get into Monopoly that way! :emot_laughing.gif:
I overheard the young lady crying in the furniture store, "He said he could show me a mattress that I wouldn't even feel under me, so I turned around and he grabbed me and had his way with me! The police officer replied. "Well then Miss you can't deny that he never lied to you about the mattress!"
I have a story ( still in progress ) called "Rachel Pays the Rent" using our dear Rachel as the muse. Hopefully, I'll get it completed one day!
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A chocolate bunny went to a psychiatrist. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "I feel like a part of me is missing," the rabbit said. "I feel so hollow inside."
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The comedian was shocked when a heckler threw an unwrapped Cadbury Cream Easter Egg at him. Without thinking the comedian crushed the egg in his hand ,sending the cream center all over his hand and suit coat. The heckler didn't hesitate to call out, "Now that's funny for the yokes on you!"
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Will my piano ever be ready to play? Stay tuned!
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My cat just doesn't understand how things work! I laid down a mousetrap and the cat ate the cheese then lid down to wait for the mouse with baited breath!
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How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their website.
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Do seers with cataracts see a mirky future?
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One barrel of gasoline said to the other barrel of gasoline, "I went on a date with a barrel of oil last night but it didn't go well. He was so crude!"
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My baby liked being introduced to Petro last night. I clearly remember her getting turned on and saying "He may be crude but he gets my motor running!"
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The other tools in the garage never liked the booster cables. They were always starting something.
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My wife is in absolute love with our new garage door opener but I drew the line with asking Jack into the house!
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The guy at the store asked me if want a box for my groceries. I said "No, I don't like fighting. I'll just pay with cash."
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Trust me when you get a bladder infection- Urine problems!
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The plastic surgeon liked to keep abreast of new techniques.
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It's funny because it's !false.
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I bought a dozen bees at the market, but when I got home I realized I had thirteen bees. I guess one was a free bee.
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Just so you are aware, stealing someone's coffee is a crime- it's called "Mugging"
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What do coffee and Eric Clapton have in common? Both are better with cream!
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I hate having coffee with my girlfriend when she just woke up- she's bitter to the last drop!
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Did you hear about the gorilla living in the jungle in Vietnam?
He's Viet Kong.
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Did you hear about the rapper who recorded an album in Prison. Anyone who bought it was jailed because they have a criminal record!
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The cop arrested me for blowing by him doing 80 mph. He said it was a crime of passin'.
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The cop arrested me at the Victoria Day Firework display for selling Dynamite. Apparently you're not allowed "Boomsticks" in city limits!
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Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?
Taxi drivers.
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I knew I was in trouble when I was brought up in front of General Mills, so i just repeated over and over my name, rank and cereal number!
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I got a job working in a factory where they make car mufflers. I come home every day absolutely exhausted!
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I’ve been doing crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon.
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What grade do most fish get when they go to school? Sea plus!
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When I got home from fishing, my girlfriend asked me how I did? Told her I didn't catch anything they all must have been in a school!
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I told my dad I got a job with the government.
He said, "Doing what?"
"Well, I'm working with defense," I replied.
"My son is in the defense department?"
"Yeah, we're rebuilding de fence around the White House!"
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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
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Why do math books always look so sad?
They have lots of problems.
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What do you call an donkey on steroids in outer space- An "ASS'-teroid!
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I was fired from my job at the orange juice factory. I couldn't concentrate.
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What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
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Tom Cruise is making a movie about chefs at a prestigious cooking school. It'll be called A Few Good Menus.
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The Director of the movie confused me, he yelled "And Cut" so I put the prop knife I had into the ribs of my co-star!
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The baby mirror was quite upset about his parent's death, in fact, he was shattered.
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The teacher asked me why i was painting the book and i told her that I painted ever book I Red!
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There was a theft at the chain factory. The cops looked for evidence that could link them to the perpetrators.
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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
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Some thieves stole a large bottle of formaldehyde from the lab. Police had no trouble finding it. The evidence was well-preserved.
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The Uber driver took offence to being called a fancy taxi driver. He yelled at the person saying that wasn't fare!
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What do you get when you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
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I told a joke on today's Zoom meeting, It wasn't even remotely funny!
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I rescued only one pair of shoes from the big fire at the shoe store. They were the sole survivors.
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Never trust a blind weatherman. He wasn't even looking into the front of the camera during the forecast!
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What did the door say to the doorknob?
It's your turn now!
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We were all gathered in the lawyer's office to hear the reading of the will. He turned to us and started "Folks this will seem like a dead giveaway!"
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I got a job at a light bulb factory. It was an enlightening experience.
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I don't know why I was escorted off the plane, all I called out was "Hi Jack!"
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"Is there a way we can find out who keeps stealing sidewalks around town?" asked the police chief.
"We need more concrete evidence," replied the detective.
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Dawn was at a screening of "Barbie" when Ken looked at hrr from the screen and asked her "Hey do you want to play with a Ken, Doll?"
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I read a review of the new movie "Oppenheimer." The critic said it was a "real blast."
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The boss didn't give us a Christmas bonus this year. Instead he has a weigh scale places in the garage so he could get rid of the 'dead weight' around the warehouse!
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It's interesting that all roads that lead to cemeteries are dead ends.
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I asked the cemetery owner to keep this quiet about things. I didn't want him giving the plot away!
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I asked the cemetery owner to keep this quiet about things. I didn't want him giving the plot away!
Merit-worthy! :emot_rotf.gif:
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A new law came out limiting the size of cemeteries. People protested that it was a grave injustice.
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Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet!
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I saw a woman getting her nipple pierced at the bar earlier this evening. On a totally unrelated note, I really suck at playing darts!
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So I have been told not to talk with anyone by the police. Who would have guessed that included using American Sign Language!
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I phoned a Chinese takeaway last night and the man said "Hello, I'm Whan King the chef." I said "No worries, I'll call back later when you're done."
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My girlfriend had a few girl friends over so i knew better to go near the 'whine' cellar!
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I got fired from my job as a bingo caller, apparently yelling out "A meal for two with a hairy view" isn't the right way to announce 69.
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I saw a woman getting her nipple pierced at the bar earlier this evening. On a totally unrelated note, I really suck at playing darts!
:emot_rotf.gif:
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Friend: Hey, did you hear this year’s Origami competition is going to be broadcasted on ESPN?
Me: Is it on Paper view?
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
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I started a new job at the soda pop plant. I get so frustrated when things break down but my boss told me to make sure I keep my feelings bottled up.
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That cops pulled me over for the black smoke coming from my car. They got really annoyed with me when I told them that I was too exhausted to do anything about today!
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I'm having some problems with the front wheels of my car. They're steering me toward trouble.
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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I ate several Scrabble tiles. The next time I go to the bathroom could spell disaster.
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What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
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What did Beethoven do every morning?
Go to the bathroom and make his first movement.
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When I die, there are two things I want done:-
1. I want my remains to be scattered around Disney World.
2. I dont want to be cremated.
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What did the Zebra say when he saw the piano- Dad?
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I spilled grape juice on my resume. It put quite a stain on my career.
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No one at the office knew why I called the printer "Rorschach" until they asked for the saw the results of a day of printing! Nothing but blots of ink!
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The airline pilot was always trying to fly too high. His boss told him he needed an altitude adjustment.
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Police has commented that the person who fell from the roof of the eighteen story night club wasn't a bouncer!
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A guy opened a bar under the ocean. I heard it was quite a dive.
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All I heard was there's a shark in the water. When I looked out All I saw was a lawyer and a fin!
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When working at the fish cannery, we broke a record for the amount of fish we processed in one day. You could say we were being very e-fish-ent!
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My friend was ranting that his girlfriend was so stupid because he say there was a bug in his laptop and she sprayed it with Raid!
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I asked my aging father if he was going to start needing to use adult diapers. "That Depends!" he replied.
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I was confused when I saw a fenced in are of my girlfriends basement. What's that for? I sked and she replied "Oh that is for my Bics, they said to make a pen to hold then!"
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A man was injured playing peek-a-boo. Now he's in ICU.
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The Player was sitting in the dugout crying- He never made it to third base!
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Why do Twitter users make bad soldiers?
They are too quick to retweet.
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I usually don't tell Dad jokes but when I do he usually laughs!
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My cow wanted more food. I said, "Sorry, the hayloft is empty." The cow replied, "Well, that is the last straw!"
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Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland!. Every day it's Dublin
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris not as good as a full house!
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
Earns a merit, seeing as it is Talk Like a Pirate Day! :emot_rotf.gif:
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Several knives were on a shelf at the department store. One of the knives said, "Oh! Here come some customers. Everyone look sharp!"
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I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "What can I get you?" The rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
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I went to a zoo the other day, but there was only one dog there. It was a Shitzu.
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "What can I get you?" The rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
:emot_rotf.gif:
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Erectile dysfunction is very misunderstood. But at the end of the day, it's not that hard.
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Why do defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they’re feeling down? To get some case-ideas!
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An orgasm is a lot like cooking, yes I could do it myself but it's much nicer when someone else does it for me.
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I was out and watched a rich kid drive his expensive car into a tree. He found out just how much his Mercedes bends.
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A man gets pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer.
The female officer proceeds to inform him of his rights, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The man responds, "Boobs."
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I used to hate facial hair but eventually it grew on me!
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I wanted to take my teacher at the optometrist's school for dinner but she told me she couldn't date pupils.
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The police questioned everyone at the scene of the theft but they were sure it was committed by someone named Rob!
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I called up the pizza place I had ordered from and asked if my pizza would be long? They told me, no. It would be round.
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I laid a complaint with the heald cook over the rolls I was given to me, There was round steel coils in them, In his sing song voice he replied, "What do you expect they are "Spring" rolls!"
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One thing about my paycheques I got when I worked at the rubber factory - I could really make them stretch.
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We can never think of the name of the office gopher so we just call him Pb- he so easily lead!
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My teenage son recently began asking me awkward questions about the human body. I guess I should have hidden it better.
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Both the police and my wife asked me why I was naked and covered head to toe in Honey. They said I was in a sticky situation!
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I was in a freak accident and my semen became electrified. It came as quite a shock to my girlfriend.
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I came in from walking the dog and my girlfriend cried out "Why those pants?" I told her that the dog was running but she mean the holes in my jeans!
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My girlfriend was out golfing. When she got home she told me she had been stung by a bee between the first and second holes. I told her, "Next time, change your stance... and don't wear such a short skirt."
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How did the hipster burn his tongue on a slice of pizza? He ate it before it was cool!
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Did you hear about that new album
“Crossing The River” by Roger Waters and Brian Ferry?
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The shortstop was pissed, he was stuck between second and third base with his girlfriend!
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Locksmiths make good musicians. They always find the right key.
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The British journalist was confused when interviewing the Canadian hockey team. All they were concerned with was their tee time!
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I dropped my diary in the toilet. There goes my whole life down the shitter!
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I was recently caught by my girlfriend smoking a cigarette and spitting on the driveway. Don't know what she was upset about, she claimed that we had to re-tar the driveway!
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I spent 10 years at the furniture factory building coffee tables. Then my boss promoted me to a desk job. He needed a new one built.
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It Took me over two months to make enough seating for the church. Pew what a job!
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70% of the earth is water and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.
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So we have scientific proof that there is two times that twenty is a correct answer in the two times table. Ten times two is Twenty and two times eleven is Twenty two!
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Engineers have made a car that can run on mint. Hopefully, they can make buses and trains run on thyme.
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Our backyard party was ruined, there was holes in the whole thing!
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is.
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My boyfriend was sacked from his job as a chimney sweep because he made a joke in blackface
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My boss really got into making honey, so he went to a beekeeper and got twelve bees of his own. When he got home my boss found thirteen bees, being honest he tried to return it only for the farmer to laugh at me. "Don't worry about it just consider it a free bee!"
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Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?
His left ear, his right ear, and his wild frontier.
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Seems I'm not going anywhere in Scotland any time soon. The boat I'm on, somehow got locked in the loch!
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The CEO of Ikea was appointed Prime Minister of Sweden. He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
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Why did the glassblower get stomach panes? He inhaled!
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Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied? Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
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My boss at the bank refused to let us on the floor in case we got hurt. He made us all stay safe in the safe!
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Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller. Manufacturers claim it’s due to climb it change.
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A bit of a change for this one!
(https://i.ibb.co/G2nZ2gr/upload-2023-11-22-15-21-47.jpg) (https://ibb.co/FwmQwGd)
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What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber!
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How do you make a pirate angry? Take the "P" away!
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What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
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The long ear rabbit just hung around the corner because all the ladies there kept saying the same thing- "Silly rabbit tricks aren't for kids!"
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
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Man I really have to learn what a calendar is, I saw a red light out of my bedroom and ran from my backdoor only to find out it was that damn reindeer on my roof!
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Every year I watch tv on New Year's Eve, hoping to see a good show at Times Square, and every year they drop the ball.
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I fondly remember New year's Eve of 1990, that was the night I felt my ball dropped for the first time!
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I said I was going to stop smoking cold turkey but I'm still spitting feathers out of my mouth.
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I couldn't believe that I gained weight after the doctor prescribed Sugar Pills!
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You must be a mirror, sweetie, because I can see myself inside you.
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An empty whiskey bottle walks into a bar. The bartender called "Sorry we can't serve you, your already drunk!"
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My husband started a lawmowing business he’s really undercutting the competition.
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Have you heard about the Knight who didn't like to fight? No then let me tell you about Sir Render!
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Sir Galahad: How did Sir Lancelot get his name?
King Arthur: He can't ride a horse very well. He lancelot on his ass!
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I told the boss I was going to stand outside and if any one wants to know where i am just tell then I'm outstanding!
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What did the toque say to the scarf?
You just stay here and hang around. I'll go on ahead.
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I went to a zoo the other day, but there was only one dog there. It was a Shitzu.
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I bought a whole pound of oregano. I'm trying to spice things up in my life.
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Well if I'm stubborn, I'm just going to hold me breathe until I get an apology!
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The groupie fucked the whole rock group with no protection. Now she has Band Aids.
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A tractor trailer jackknifed on the interstate killing the driver and spilling a cargo of bagged carrots all over the interstate. When the coroner arrived the police officer on site greeted him "What's up Doc?"
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"Doc, I have an erection that won't go down. How long will this go on?'
"Well, I don't know, it's too hard to tell!"
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A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
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How are Mississauga and myself alike- Neither one of us have a winter coat!
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Went to a vegan restaurant and tried the plant based meat. It was a big mis-Steak.
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Four Fonts walked into a bar, The bartender yelled out, "Hey get out of here we don't serve your type in this establishment!"
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One potato chip said to another potato chip, "Care to go for a dip?"
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Did you hear about the World War I soldier who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas? He was a seasoned veteran.
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Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell something fishy?"
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
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I went to a psychiatrist. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"I think I'm a postage stamp."
"Don't worry," he told me. "It'll take some time but we'll get your problem licked."
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Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
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A spider said to a fly, "It's all right, you can fly that way and I promise I didn't leave any webs to catch you in."
The fly took off and a few seconds later was caught in a big spider web.
As the spider approached to eat the fly, the fly said,"Hey, you lied. You said there were no webs over here."
The spider grinned. "Sorry, it was a web of deceit."
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I was told to say "Through the hoop!" and "Up Bessie" Seem my call was being recorded for training porpoises!
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I use Tylenol 3 for bait when I'm fishing. I like getting my fish hooked on painkillers.
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.
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Little Johnny Cannibal asked his mom what they were having for supper. "Oh, not much tonight. We're just having finger food."
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Did you hear about the two cheese trucks who hit head on- there was de-brie everywhere!
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We had a breakdown at the cheese factory. The supervisor told us not to despair. He said, "Where there's a will, there's a whey!"
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We miss our boss at work since he was put in jail for something he didn't do- Run fast enough to get away!
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The cannibal motivational speaker’s mantra: “Take a bite out of life, one person at a time.”
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A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
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I'm designing a new type of door. My future wealth hinges on its success.
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My girlfriend asked me the other day "Why don't we have a dishwasher?" and I replied to her "Because Polygamy is illegal in Canada!"
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How did herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches
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My buddy and I both have the flu. I invited him over for Netflix and chills
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What do you call a cow who's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
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If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
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If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
Merit-worthy! :emot_rotf.gif: When I can do it!
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I got a job working at an arrow factory but first I had to take a course in how to make arrows. Our instructor was very long-winded and finally I stood up and said, "Good Lord, man! Just get to the point!"
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I was fired from my job working at Timex, they didn't like when I posted a video of me rolling over a Timex wristwatch with a steamroller. Maybe I should have taken off the person's wrist first!
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The young lady asked if she could see what was under my kilt. I told her to put her hand under it and she'd find out. So she did, and exclaimed. "Oh, gruesome!" "Aye," I grinned. "And if you squeeze a little harder it'll grow some more!"
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What do you call a road trip to see the solar eclipse? A trip to where the sun doesn't shine!
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Three old computers were talking about old times. The first computer says, "I can remember when floppy disks were the big thing!"
The second computer says, "I can remember using dial-up to connect to the internet."
The third computer just sits there, looking dejected. "Sorry," he says. "I have no memory."
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Why do Apps have developers have such insurance rates?- because they are always crashing!
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Who says I'm getting old and unattractive?
I can still turn on the TV and my laptop! :emot_rotf.gif:
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Well imagine my surprise when my bank told me that my account was outstanding and here i thought they just considered me a set of numbers!
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Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
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I hate going to the candy store because i can't decide which will fill me up more, Mars or the Milky Way
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Why do other snacks try to avoid the peanut bowl?
Everyone in there is nuts.
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If everyday is a gift, then where can I return Mondays?
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I made a coffee table out of old tires. It took me a good year or two.
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You know what you are when life gives you melons
Dyslexic!