Mr. Monk and the Rape of Natalie Teeger
Cast of Characters:
Natalie Teeger (abbreviated "N")
Mr. Adrian Monk (abbreviated "M")
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (Abbreviated "S")
Lieutenant Randy Disher (abbreviated "R)
Chapter 1: It's a Jungle out there.
Natalie [in a soft whisper]--- Mr. Monk, I think I'm about to be raped! You have to come to my house, and save me!
Adrian: [irritated] Raped? You need the Sexual Assault division. I'm a homicide detective. Call me back if the rapist kills you, OK?
N: Mr. Monk! Listen to me! I'm about to be raped!
A: OK, OK, fine. What makes you think you're about to be raped?
N: He broke into my house!
A: Who did?
N: THE RAPIST!
A: Now Natalie, calm down. Just because someone broke into your house, doesn't make them a rapist. Could just be a burglar. Heck it could just be someone who walked into the wrong house. Doesn't make the man a rapist!
N: Mr. Monk! He ripped off my robe after Id stepped out of the shower! I've been tied to the bed, spread-eagled! Face-down! And I'm naked! He's going to rape me, Mr. Monk!
A: You know, Dr. Kroger says that rape fantasies are fairly normal among people who've gone without sex for an extended period of time. Are you certain you're not just dreaming about this?
N: THIS IS NOT A DREAM, MR. MONK!
A: OK, just calm down. Let's asses the situation. So you're naked?
A: Tied up on the bed?
N: Tied up TO the bed, Mr. Monk! I'm totally helpless! Thank god I could reach the phone on the headboard.
A: Yes, thank god. Can you identify this man? Do you know where he is right now?
N: No, No. He was wearing a black ski mask. He spread me apart, stared at me for a moment, and then left the room. I haven't heard any noise in the house for several minutes. But I'm certain he'll be back any minute, Mr. Monk. I'm so scared!
A: Yes, he probably just walked down to the drugstore on the corner to by some Vaseline and condoms. And that would mean he'll be back any moment now!
N: Oh my god, Mr. Monk! So you think he is going to rape me, that I'm about to be raped!
A: Yes. Anally.
N: WHAT? How do you know that, Mr. Monk?
A: Well, he tied you face-down, spread-eagled, right? Besides, why else would he need to go buy Vaseline?
N: But how do you know he went to buy Vaseline?
A: Because he'll need it, if he's going to rape you anally. Can't just go ramming it in there without lube, Natalie!
N: Oh my God, Mr. Monk! I don't want to have to take it that way! I've never done it that way. Please, Mr. Monk, I don't want to be raped. Save me, Mr. Monk!
A: I'll be there as soon as I can. Meanwhile, I'm setting my phone to "record'. You put yours on speakerphone. That way, whatever happens, we'll have the recording as evidence. Try to narrate what he's doing. You know, say thinks like "Oh Mr. Rapist, I can't believe you're doing THIS or THAT , to me."
N: But Mr. Monk, wouldn't it be better if I hang up and dial 911?
A: NO! Absolutely not! Look, you said he's wearing a ski mask, right?
N: Yes, but what does that,.
A: It means he doesn't intend to kill you. If he intended to kill you, why would it matter if you could identify him?
N: OK, that makes sense. But,
A: Now if you call the cops, and he gets there first, then we have a hostage situation. And people get killed during hostage situations. So just do what I said, push "speakerphone". I'm pressing "record". I'll be there soon.
[Door opens and closes, footsteps are heard, approaching the bedroom.]
Chapter 2 "Who's in charge here?"
N: Oh my! Your pants are undone, Mr. Rapist! And you already are wearing a condom! You're very well endowed! Eight inches or more, and thick! And what are you doing with that tube of Vaseline? NO! Don't spread me apart like that. OH! That's Cold! Hey! Get off of me! Stop! It's too big! It won't fit! Awwwwwwww,NOOOOOOO! Take it out! It doesn't fit! It's too big! OH! Not so deep! Slower, please, god, OH my GOD! Take it out. Stop! HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
OH! OH! OH! OH GOD, oh god, oh god. Oh my god.
Take it out, please. Please?
Get off me, please.
Will you untie me now?
Hey! Hey! What are,stop it! Quit pulling on me. Just tell me where you want me to go. OK.
So, you think you can wash away all the evidence just by forcing me to shower, huh?
Well you can't. Locard's Principle of Exchange states that criminals ALWAYS leave something behind at the scene of the crime. Hey! Quit scrubbing me with that luffa. I'll do it myself! Would you mind leaving the room?
[Door closes, vacuum runs. Another door opens and closes. Water stops running. Natalie picks up phone]
Chapter 3 "Disorder and Confusion everywhere"
N: OK, I think he's gone, and you're not here yet. I'm hanging up, Mr. Monk, so I can call Captain Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: Stottlemeyer here.
N: Captain Stottlemeyer, this is Natalie. I've just been raped. By a rapist. In my home. Mr. Monk is already on his way. Could you come too, and bring Randy?
S: On my way, click.
[Cut to the cast assembled in Natalie's living room, except Natalie, who's been taken to the hospital]
CSI Guy to Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sorry sir. No hair. No foreign fibers. No unknown prints. No bodily fluid. No condom's or condom wrappers. No tube of Vaseline. No ligatures. And no sign of forced entry. Basically, there is absolutely no evidence that a crime occurred here. Plus, I just got a call from the ER. Rape kit is inconclusive. Again, no hair, no fibers, no fluids. I think we're done here.
Dr. Kroger to Julie: Sometimes, when someone has gone without, ah, companionship for a long time, like your mother has, they feel the need to create a sort of imaginary friend. This imaginary friend is someone who, in their mind, will find them so attractive and desirable, that they would do anything to receive affection from that person, even commit a terrible crime,.
Chapter 4: "I could be wrong, but I don't think so"
Captain Stottlemeyer to Lieutenant Disher: Randy, take Mr. Monk into custody.
Randy: Are you sure, Captain?
S: Just do it, Randy.
S to M: Mr. Monk, you are being arrested for the First Degree Criminal Sexual Assault and Sodomy of Natalie Teeger. Now, you have the right to remain silent, but I think we both know that your conscience won't allow that. So, would you like to make a confession?
Chapter 5: "Here's what happened"
Monk: OK, here's what happened,.
I knew Julie was going on that school ski trip, and I didn't want her to catch a cold, because then she would give it to Natalie, and Natalie would give it to me, and I would give it to you guys, and we'd all be too sick to catch criminals, and the streets would succumb to anarchy, and we'd all die. So I went to the drugstore, and bought a new ski mask, for Julie, and I brought it here.
knocked, but no one answered. The light in the bathroom was on, I knew Julie was still at school, So I figured that Natalie just couldn't hear me because she was in the shower. So I used the key that was under the mat,
S: How did you know there was a key under the mat?
M: People like Natalie always have a key under the mat. Which really defeats the purpose of locking the door. I mean, there are horrible people out there.
[Stottlemeyer, Randy, Julie, and Dr. Kroger all glare at Monk]
M: Anyway, standing right in the entryway, I could see into her bedroom, and the mirror on her headboard was just the right angle so that I could see right into her bathroom. And she was standing there, naked. And clean, very clean looking. I'd never realized how startlingly good-looking Natalie was. Her clean, perfect skin, glistening with the moisture of her shower. Her breasts, perfect. Her tummy was flat, and her legs were so long, that they reached all the way to the floor. But mostly what got to me was her behind, so shapely and clean. I'd never noticed before, but it was basically the same size and shape as Trudy's magnificent bottom. And it's been so long since Trudy was killed,
Anyway, Natalie reached for the robe, and I couldn't bear to see her cover herself up, and I must have just snapped! Next thing I know, the ski mask was on, and I was ripping the robe off Natalie. Then I threw her on the bed, and used the belt from the robe to tie her there. I tore it into four strips, you see.
S: You were able to tear the belt of a terrycloth robe into 4 pieces, with your bare hands?
M: Adrenaline, I guess, or possibly testosterone build-up. Did I mention I hadn't had sex since Trudy died?
Randy: Not even with, you know, yourself?
M: What? And get ejaculate all over my hands? Are you nuts?
S: What kind of knots did you use?
M: Well, I would have used a simple square knot, but she might have been able to untie that. A sheep-shank would have gotten tighter when she struggled against it, and that would have caused a decrease in circulation, and an increase in blood pressure, which as you know, is the forth leading cause of death for women in Natalie's age group. So I went with a half-hitch.
S: OK, go on.
M: I peeled her buttocks apart, and saw the string of a sanitary tampon. And of course, I didn't want to do anything that would make either of us unsanitary. But here's the thing: her anus, it looked so amazingly, incredibly clean. Like you could eat off it. But it also looked so tiny and tight, and I didn't want to hurt her, or make her bleed. I knew I had to run to the drugstore anyway to get a six pack of condoms, so I figured I'd pick up a tube of Vaseline, too.
S: A six pack of condoms? By all accounts, Natalie was only raped once.
M: You've got to have extra. Condoms sometimes break.
Randy: But six? Plus, you're saying that if a condom broke, during a rape, you'd stop and put on another one?
M: No, no. Here's the thing. I put them all on at once. In advance. One over the other. That way, if one broke, the next one would already be in place. And if that one broke, the next one would already be in place. And if that one broke, the next one would already be in place. And if that one broke, the next one would already be in place. And if that one broke, the next one would already be in place. And if that one broke, the next one would already be in place.
Plus, you've got to understand, even though it may have looked as clean as a whistle, we are talking about the inside of a person's butt hole here. Basically, the body's sewer system. Can't be too careful!
Randy: And you could still feel something through these six layers of latex?
M: Did I mention I haven't had sex since Trudy died?
S: OK, so you left for the drugstore. Then what?
M: Well then, my cell phone rang. You can imagine my shock when it was Natalie on the line! But I was able to ascertain that she was still tied up, that she didn't recognize her attacker, and that she wasn't about to call the police. So all was still well. I got her to record the rape onto my cell phone's memory chip. I was planning to listen to it whenever I got lonely. But of course, you'll need to retrieve that for evidence against me.
S: You're right. What's the code?
S: 31415926535 ???
M: Yes. Pi. To he tenth place, of course.
S: Of course. OK, well that pretty much wraps up this case. Once we get to headquarters, Randy's gonna type up everything you just said, and have you sign it, OK?
M: Sure, Leland. But I have one question for you. How did you know? I mean, I'm really quite certain I didn't leave any physical evidence behind. None, what-so-ever. So how did you solve this case?
Chapter 6: "It's A-maz-ing"
S: Elementary, my dear Monk. Locard's Principle of Exchange. A criminal always leaves something behind at the scene of the crime.
M: But like I said, I'm pretty sure,.
S: That's right, you didn't. From the beginning of time until today, no criminal has ever been able to get around Locard's Law. They always leave something behind. But you didn't. And in my opinion, you are the only person who ever lived who is capable of cleaning up a crime scene so well, that absolutely nothing is left behind.
M: So that's it? That's all you had to go on? Your hunch, my disorder, and a spotlessly clean, clueless crime scene?
S: Well, that and the bulge in your pants.
Randy: You mean, he got aroused while we were talking about the crime?
S: [sighing] No, Randy, not THAT bulge,.[reaching down the front of Monk's pants] THIS one!
[Captain Stottermeyer pulls out a balled up black ski mask. Shaking it, several items fall to the floor:
4 equal sized lengths of bathrobe belt; a vacuum cleaner bag; a tube of Vaseline; six condom wrappers; and six condoms---all rolled into one another.] You see Randy, although he meticulously cleaned up the crime scene, he didn't have time to dispose of the evidence. Since Natalie called him before she called us, she would have expected him to arrive before us. Very shortly after stepping outside, he heard our sirens coming. Had to turn right around and go right back in. So he wadded it up tight, stuffed it down his pants, and haunted him into making a full confession.
Randy: Like the Tell-Tale Heart?
S: The what?
Randy: You know, Hitchcock.
S: What about his cock?
Randy: Never mind, sir.
Chapter 7: "if you paid attention, You'd be worried, too."
Dr. Kroger to Julie: Here's my card. We should probably get you started right away with some psychotherapy.
Julie: Me? Why?
Dr. Kroger: Well, if Mr. Monk hadn't stopped to buy you that ski mask for your selfish little class ski-trip, then your mother wouldn't have gotten raped, now would she have? Oh, Julie. Responsible for your own mother's rape. You are going to need years and years of therapy to even begin to cope with this. .So please, tell my secretary to work you in as soon as possible.
Epilogue: "People say I'm crazy, cuz I worry all the time"
S: OK, let's get the prisoner to HQ. You can call a lawyer from there, Adrian.
Dr. Kroger: Yo Adrian! Don't worry. There's a first-class lawyer in my building. I'm sure that if we work together, we can get you off with an insanity defense.
Stottermeyer & Randy & Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: Of course! Clearly, the sight of Natalie's ass is enough to drive any man crazy, even Mr. Monk. [all the men laugh]
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