pun intended

[carhamgrater]

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am!

[Jessica_33]

I saw a woman making out with a tree guess they met on Timber

[vile8r]

The farmer's son told his dad he was going to New York to work in the stock market.

"Okay," said the farmer, "but ya know, ya ain't gotta go all the way to New York City to sell cows!"

[carhamgrater]

My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!

[Jessica_33]

Amy Schumer said she’s kissed a few frogs in her time. I hope Kermit doesn’t find out.

[carhamgrater]

A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

[Jessica_33]

I wanted to make a film about my vagina, but the title Lost In Space was already taken

[vile8r]

I showed up at the Olympics with a roll of barbed wire and a truckload of wooden posts. I was asked what event I was hoping to participate in.  "Fencing," I replied.

[carhamgrater]

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[Rachel_Thornton]

What do you call an erupting joke? A lol-cano!

[carhamgrater]

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

[vile8r]

What did the momma strawberry say to the strawberry kids?   "Daddy will be late for supper. He's stuck in a jam." 

[carhamgrater]

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

[vile8r]

Two guys walking through a park saw a tree covered in bacon. They ran up to the tree, but a gang of bullies jumped out from behind it and beat them up. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush! 

[carhamgrater]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.