Chapter 20: Paths Diverge
"Ah, Miss Harper," Dr. Adrian chortled. "I'm delighted to see you! Forgive me, I wasn't actually expecting you to come. Police officers are some of my least reliable clients."
"Um, okay?" I said, shaking her hand and sitting nervously on the lounge chair. There was a glass of water and a pitcher on the table between us. The psychiatrist's small office was exactly as I had imagined it - bright, minimalistic, and immaculate. No family photos. Of course not, she did not want to endanger her family by inadvertently introducing them to dangerous patients. Nothing to indicate interests or hobbies. Don't want anyone showing up at a favorite fishing spot or reading bench. Smart woman. I admired her a little already.
"Well, police officers seem to be a bit more resistant to the idea of someone poking around in their heads," Dr. Adrian explained. A stab in my gut. Fenley. "Usually, they make an appointment with the intent of seeking help, but they talk themselves out of it. Don't want to burden others with their problems, I suspect."
I shrugged. "I guess I can see that. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to come."
"I'm glad you did."
An awkward silence. There were no curiosities to fix my gaze on, so I looked at my hands. My fingers that were rubbing and twisting around each other like anxious snakes.
"So, what brings you in?" Dr. Adrian asked gently.
What brings me in? The question echoed in my mind. I could not tell her the truth. She would code thirteen me. Refer me for emergency mental health observation, that is. No, maybe some version of the truth that would seem more logical? I would have to be careful not to give her any names. I knew that she would be required to report rape.
Just pull the band-aid off.
"I was raped." As I choked out the words, Dr. Adrian's kind smile faded into solemnness. She slowly nodded her head. I'm not sure that anyone had been so direct with her before. "Someone I know was forced to rape me. There was nothing he could do to stop it."
Dr. Adrian struggled to hide her shock. She was quiet for a long moment. A large, dry lump formed in my throat. No matter how much water I sipped, I could not get it to go away. My psychiatrist's silence made my anxiety lash around, out of control. What is she thinking? Does she think I'm lying? Is she trying to figure out who it might be? Would she tell anyone if she figures it out?
"What are you feeling?" she asked slowly.
"I feel…I feel terrible for him."
"Why is that?"
"Because it's my fault he was there. It's my fault he was made to…" I took another desperate sip of water, to distract myself from the tears pooling in my eyelids. "It's destroyed him. He doesn't take care of himself anymore. He won't look me in the eye. I feel like the monster that made him rape me is winning. I'm losing my friend to the monster, and I can't stop it. It wasn't his fault, why can't he see that? Why is he punishing himself? When I see him, he's just…he's not there anymore. I miss him. I miss his innocent smile and…and…"
"What about you?" Dr. Adrian inquired.
"Me?" I tried to wipe the tears aside without being obvious.
"How are you handling it?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you? Or are you focusing on your friend's pain, so that you don't have to face your own?"
"I…I don't know." I closed my eyes and thought about her question. "I suppose I have been. I'm just so worried about him. I feel like he's giving up."
"And if he gives up, are you worried that you will give up too?"
The tears burst forth, beyond my control. My whole body quaked as the emotions all released at once. It was true. I was scared that if Barry surrendered to the hopelessness, so too would I. I was afraid of looking down into that terrible abyss, alone. Afraid of reliving that moment at every touch, every heavy sigh. Alone.
"You know, you are not responsible for his pain. You are not responsible for his healing. You are only responsible for your own healing," Dr. Adrian said pointedly. "It's okay to try to help your friend. But it's also okay to take care of yourself first."
I smiled through the tears. Somehow, I had already known that. I just needed to hear the words.
