Author
From here on out, he's just going to write his thoughts, and turn them in for therapy. So, I'm going to skip the [Brackets] to indicate text.
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I got a girlfriend today! She's going to write one for you too, since i told her about it, and how it works. I hope you don't mind if I turn them in for her, since she doesn't want anyone to know, but again, it was like Teddy. Have you heard from him? I hope he's doing all right in jail.
Never mind, I don't want to skip ahead, so here's how we met: She sat right next to me, and asked me if I was gay. This was in the lunch room, so it was loud, and nobody could hear us talking. I just nodded, since nobody knows I'm a boy here any more. At least not the students, but she took that to mean I'm a lesbian. Either way, she said she thought she might be bisexual, so she's fine with me being a boy now, she just didn't know it yet. I think it's the hair, but she said she liked me because I'm the "Strong silent type," and she likes that.
So, we agreed to meet after school, and I walked her over to my place. It's close, and you know my parents are never there, so it's more convenient than dealing with her family. The gay aspect, and having to explain that I'm a boy. Then the problem with her having a boy over, so it's just a lot quicker to take her over to my house. We listened to some music, and then she picked out a movie. Pump Up the Volume, since she likes Christian Slater, but we didn't really watch much of it. We just made out, and started necking, then she put my hand on her bra.
She's at stage 3, but instead of freaking out, I just took her hand, and let her handle them. So, instead, I felt her lap, and her leg. It's really nice with her, because she's more patient than Teddy ever was. She didn't want to rush into anything, she was happy to just kiss for a long time, then slowly move through the bases, and I really like that. So any way she tried to touch my nipple, and we had to stop. That's when I had to come out to her, to explain the Ace bandage, instead of the cup. She took it well, and that's when she said that being bisexual, it's fine that I'm a boy.
She started calling me Jeff after that, and I hope I never get over the feeling of someone saying my real name. Or he, and him to someone else, when they get the chance, but she hasn't yet. So, she agreed to handle the chest department for me, since I don't like how they feel, and we went back to making out. She felt my cup, and said it got in the way, so I showed her pocket pool, and she started playing that. One thing led to another, and I finally worked my way up her skirt to her panties.
She's a pantie girl, really nice ones. Not lacy, but ribbons around the legs instead of elastic, and a little bow in front which is kind of neat to play with. I never had any like those back when I used to wear them, but they fit too tight, and the ribbons don't stretch like elastic gathers do. So, I couldn't get in the side, but I'm kind of glad that I had to touch her through the seat, since they were dry, and I didn't have to worry about getting my fingers wet.
Then we had to stop when she asked me if I was ever molested before. I shook my head no, but then I started thinking about it, because she started talking about her boyfriend. He wasn't a boy, he was a man, and he broke up with her when she started. You know. Growing up? Having to wear diapers, which I thought I understood, but then she told me about what he did, and showed me. They didn't have sex, right away. For years, she said, but he molested her before that, and she showed me how. He used to molest her, I guess that's why she was so patient, but the more we did it, the more weird, and familiar it started feeling.
I didn't know what Gay felt like. Or straight, or anything, so with Teddy I thought it was all my body, and the gay/straight boy/girl thing. It was, a lot of it, but then I remember the child porn, and he said it was because they were boys in little league, but now I'm not so sure. She had to tell me, and show me, what being molested is like for me to realize the difference, and change my mind about that. So, I think my question for you is: do you think Teddy is really a child molester, and he just lied about being gay? I haven't gotten a chance to ask Kirk if he molested him in little league yet, but I will as soon as I can.
So anyway, that was the weird feeling, and I think that's why that part never went away. Even after I got past the gay thing, and the boy thing, there was always that part that felt weird and disgusting. I guess that might even be why I broke up with him, and finally turned him in for the child porn when he wouldn't leave me alone. It seems so obvious now, with the child porn, who else takes pictures of little boys but child molesters? So, now him pressuring me to shave, and a lot of other things make a lot more sense too.
I'm running out of paper though, and it's almost time for the bell, so just let me wrap up with I miss Soccer. I know, I have to take the hormones, and I'm really looking forward to finally starting puberty, especially my voice cracking, and getting more body hair. So, it should make up for having to quit because they are steroids, but I'm still really going to miss practice. And hanging out with the team, and playing with them, they say it's okay if I still do practice with them for a while, even if I can't compete, and hang around when they go out after games, but I sure am going to miss them.
Not the locker room, though. I don't think I'll ever get used to being a boy in the girl's rooms, but having to skip gym completely. I just wish I could still do sports, And go through puberty, but I know I have to stay on the steroids. I just can't wait for those to kick in, so I guess I'll get over that once I start really feeling the changes. As always, thanks for everything.
Geoffrey
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Okay, since I rushed into it with Teddy, I have to ask: How soon is too soon to get into the rough stuff? I know, we had sex the first afternoon we met, I didn't know any better, and I feel pretty stupid just thinking she went slow. Because Teddy rushed me into BDSM so quickly. I mean bondage on the first date is definitely way too fast, but that doesn't tell me how slow is slow enough.
The problem is she want a Top. I don't mind topping, in fact I'm rather enjoying it so far, but she wants me to be rougher, and I just don't know. She says it's because he molested her, she doesn't want to be molested, and she had an Orthotic left over her first boyfriend. Oh, and that. I know, I should have waited until I was 18, but just looking down and seeing it. Feeling it swing around and in front of me, it's not even erotic, it's just. Indescribable, I have a cock. I finally have a cock, she doesn't like to wear it, and she never did because she's a bottom, but I wore it to bed last night, and outside of sex, that was the best feeling in my life.
Waking up with a hard on. Feeling it, I fell asleep with it in my hands, and i woke up like that. I couldn't stop giggling just from looking down and seeing it under the covers. I pitched a tent! I woke up pitching a tent, but other than that, I finally get to be the man in the relationship. She had 3 orgasms, she thinks, and she says the best part is it's always hard. That means I can't wear it full time, but I'm comfortable with my cup just walking around with something in my pants. I don't feel empty any more, I don't feel hollow, and thank goodness I'm late! I used to dread that, it might mean I got pregnant, but now. Finally my first sign of the Steroids kicking in, I hope I never bleed out of there ever again.
Secondly: Oral sex. I finally got a blowjob, and that was okay, but what really surprised me was cunnilingus. I never thought, not once that I would ever enjoy having someone's mouth down there, but I orgasmed from it. I suppose it's like fingering, as long as it's not my tongue, and I don't have to do it, I could just close my eyes, imagine it was my penis in her mouth, instead of her tongue in there, and just feel the pleasure. Boy howdy, did I ever feel it! I couldn't orgasm from using the orthotic, so for the time being I'm wearing it for comfort, and using it to satisfy her sexually. She can satisfy me orally as long as I don't think about it too much, and that's good enough for now.
So, now we get to the rough stuff. So far, all I did was slapping. Not spanking, but on top of her buttocks, i found that I can touch her chest, as long as the contact is brief, and she loves it. Yes, it hurts, but she likes that pain, and considering how I had sex the first time, I can certainly sympathize, only it's not sex. It just gets her in the mood, and I mean it really gets her in the mood, I'm just not sure about smacking her face. She also wants me to call her names. Mostly slut, and whore, things that make fun of her for having sex, but I don't know if I would be comfortable with that. So, she agreed to wait until I asked you about that, and she asked me about Bondage.
I just told her yes, I have tried it, but she could see in my face that I didn't enjoy it. She understands that's a long way off, and as usual, she's willing to wait for us to work up to that. The problem is now I can't stop imagining what she will look like. Tied up, and all the ways I could tie her up, to look better. I really like Binding, body bondage, like the jock strap, and ace bandage, but not restraint bondage. She wants to do the restraint bondage, but like me she's only done the opposite role with her boyfriend. I guess we have that in common, only the flip side. She's a bottom, but she used to top her old boyfriend. I believe I was a top all along, but because of Ted, and my personal issues, i never got a chance to try it.
I feel strong. That's what scares me, I want to be a man, but not that guy. The kind that has to control you, hurt you, and tie you up to feel powerful, but it's so damned intoxicating. I knew already that guys get addicted to it, but I had to feel it for myself to truly appreciate how tempting it is. That's why I'm scared to get any rougher, especially the Bondage, because i don't know what I will do once I see her tied up and helpless, but that's what she wants, and I really really don't want to hurt her because I can't control myself. Also, hitting her harder, and calling her names, like whore. Again, that's her fantasy, she really likes the idea that someone would find her so attractive they'd pay for the chance to make love to her. Sleep with her, or even get a chance to see her naked.
Okay, we did do this one stripper scene but that was fine, because 1: I just had to sit and watch. I stuck some dollar bills in her underwear, and that was it. 2: the biggest thing is I don't really like her body, because she's a girl. She doesn't have a flat chest, and her hips are too big. No muscle, very little body hair, and she smells wrong. So, it was honestly a turnoff for me, but such a turnoff for her, I pinched her off very easily right after that. This was before she showed me the orthotic, and I put it on. Then, well i told you how that feels. Hang on, I have to go get it, and put it on.
Okay, now that I slipped on something more comfortable. I guess i was feeling too girly before. Just writing about it, because of the chair. I guess I could stand up, and write, but the desk is to low, but at least i can sit here, and feel like a man with something to hold between my legs. Oh god, I can feel my pulse! In my legs, I know it's just a hunk of plastic, but I can feel my pulse in my legs, so now that it's warming up it feels more alive. I can't wait until I'm 18, and I can pick one out in the shop. I want one of the big floppy ones. Stiff enough to use it sexually, for penetrating, and yet soft enough so it's not this plastic harness. You know what I mean? hard but not too hard, like a penis. Oh, and a realistic size, this is an 8", so honestly it looks rediculous, since I'm still boy sized, and this is like, not just man sized, but pornographically large.
I think that's my problem too. With it pulsing between my legs, it's almost between my knees, so it makes me feel like too much man. I'm so aroused I don't know whether to take it off, stick it under my mattress for practice, or finger in around the sides, but either way I'm going to have to stop writing now.
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Okay, I had to sleep on it, and jack off this morning, because i lost count, and passed out exhausted last night. I definitely need to get a smaller orthotic, it just feels too powerful. I got my first orgasm last night with it under the mattress, and it was the bed hitting the wall that did it, because I had to pull it back between thrusts so it would hit the wall again. Then I shaved, so it stopped pulling my hairs, and that made it even worse. There's a suction cup on the bottom, so once I worked up a sweat, it sucked me off. Literally, I got another orgasm, just from the suction on the skin where I just shaved.
Another thing was just shaving kept me so aroused, I didn't have to stop in the middle for another orgasm, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I humped the side of the tub an aweful lot, and if it wasn't so cold and hard, that probably would have done it, but you know how I feel about my hair. Shaving it off should have made me less sensitive, not more, so now I'm worried I might not be able to satisfy her if I have to keep stopping because of orgasms. Then, I found out that if I wiggle my hips between strokes, that breaks the seal, so it doesn't suck me off as easy, so maybe I'll try that the next time we get a chance to make love.
I love her, so much. It weird, that I can love her this much, since she's a girl, and I'm really not attracted to her physically. It's her personality, I don't think I even need her sexually, since I figured out how to use the orthotic by myself. Now I don't have to use my hands, so I tried it with bondage. I just tied my hands together, and held the ace bandage behind my head, but that got me off a lot slower, and I finally passed out like that. Just feeling the orgasm, it wasn't so powerful it knocked me out, but I could barely crawl into bed, and roll over to hold it, then I drifted off peacefully while the orgasm faded.
The problem is my hands were numb, and hurt so bad that it woke me up in the middle of the night, so I had to take the ace bandage off. That really hurt, the blood rushing back into my hands, so before I could fall back asleep, I got aroused, and had to hump the mattress again. So, let's see. That's one fingering under it at my desk from writing. Then the first one under the mattress. Then the last one before bed with the ace bandage, then another one in the middle of the night when my hands stopped hurting, and finally just now when i woke up, and saw it pitching a tent. That was another one in my lap, feeling under it from the sides with my legs wide open.
Wow, 5. I definitely need
a smaller orthotic.
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