My original perpetrator was my mothers on again off again boyfriend and drug partner. I cannot even say for sure the age where he started touching me inappropriately because I remember being touched by him in the bath and in his lap in his favorite chair as young as seven or eight, so I'm pretty sure it was younger. But as my mothers addiction grew worse, he also made sure I had food and went to school when he was with her. At those early ages I had no idea those touches were wrong. As I grew older I am pretty sure he taught me about keeping secrets and I somehow started to understand that some of those touches were naughty and secrets.
He left out lives when I was twelve and I have never heard from him since. By that point there was little he had not done with me. The only thing that scared me was intercouse which started at eleven and was intensely painful for a while. Something inside of him changed too when that started. He changed from tender and fatherly to very sexually aggressive. He never tried anal sex. I believe but don't have any way to verify it that he left because my mom threatened to turn him. She had been to rehab around that time.
She won't answer me when I ask her that question but I have decided despite her non answer to believe that she threatened him. Knowing that she loves meth more than she ever has loved me, I need to believe that despite looking the other way for so many years as I was being abused, she hopefully brought to a stop my first abuser.
Sadly by that point I had learned what guys liked and thought that's how a person found love so I started seeking love, often.
I'm feeling guilty and dirty for going into all this because I have not yet answered your question and I don't want to derail your thread. But I've never seen him again and I have no idea how I would react or feel if he showed back up in my life because besides being my original abuser he also was the only father figure I ever had up to 12 in my life. I can't imagine seeing him. The thought is freighting on so many levels.
Through my teen years, I put myself in so many positions to be vulnerable and started drinking. There are a couple other times that I have felt raped, and know by the definition of rape that I was.
My lifetime disease is guilt. While therapy has helped tremendously it cannot take the memories out of my head of me going to him, crawling up into his lap on his chair. Even with intercourse which I didn't like at first because it hurt, I developed a jealousy of him having sex with my mother so I have to own that even though I didn't like intercourse most of the time, I began to I ticke him to come to my bed rather than going to my mothers.
The therapists can say, "it's not your fault" all they want but how can I not own that. By that age, I had seen in TV and movies how to look seductive. I remember acting seductive to get him to be with me not her.
So knowing that for some of those times I was waisted after drinking I own making myself an easy "lay" I'll say it that way. Probably my other BIG rape was from a guy who I was living with in a relationship with and acting motherly to his young daughter. Sober he was an incredible man, but drunk he became violent and sadistic. He beat and raped me a few times. It took a while and a very good friend to get me to leave him. I still believe he might have killed me if I had not left as each time it was getting worse.
I had a restraining order against him and he finally stopped trying to get me back when he found someone else and I rarely run into him. It makes me sick when I do and I now own guilt being terrified he's raping and beating his latest girlfriend but what can I do.
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Sorry that's probably more than you wanted or needed to hear. I'm sorry you are in a place where you have to see him and be around him. I'm not sure what advice to give you other than if you haven't, see someone. While that takes finding the right therapist, hard work and time it does make a difference.
While for me the words, "it's not your fault" ring very hollow, knowing I can't change the past, knowing I can only control what I can control and move forward helps. I do work hard at trying to keep myself in healthier relationships and rarely if ever drink any more.
Anything you can do to avoid seeing him I think would help.
I can't help but to ask, where are you seeing him, school, work?
