Author Topic: An Orgasm ( Or More ) A Day - Part 2  (Read 319 times)

Dark-Mage
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An Orgasm ( Or More ) A Day - Part 2
« on: January 20, 2016, 07:00:21 AM »
CHAPTER FOUR
Set the Scene
  
55. Set the Scene for Love
When it comes to having sex or making out, it’s important to create a space that is welcoming to love. Small changes in your environment will heighten your mood, help you relax when you’re in your home, and set the scene for the big O. To begin this process, work on reducing the amount of clutter in your home. Coming home to a stack of bills on the kitchen table and then tripping over dirty laundry and toys won’t help you get in the mood. And, even if you do manage to get in the mood, you’re likely to have trouble focusing on lovemaking when there’s an insurmountable to-do list surrounding you.
So, if there’s clutter peeking out from the cabinets and your surfaces are buried in papers and other items, it’s time for a spring cleaning, even if it’s the middle of November. If tidying your entire house feels too daunting, then just focus on the bedroom so you can have at least one sanctuary to retreat to. Remove misplaced items from surfaces, floor spaces, and closets and help them find a home. Put anything that is still usable but that you don’t personally use or want into a box to donate, and remove excess furniture to make rooms feel more open. Then, clean. When you’re done with this, your living space will feel fresh and inviting and help you to be more in the mood for something special to happen.

56. Transform Your Bedroom with Feng Shui
Even if you’re doubtful about your interior decorating skills and are skeptical about Feng Shui, you can still utilize the traditional Chinese tool as a way to improve the flow of your home and the rooms within it. Feng Shui means “wind water” and is an ancient Chinese art and science that influences the direction of energy known as qi (pronounced “chee”) within a space. The flow of the qi depends on the design of a building as well as the arrangement of objects within it. Whether or not you believe this is possible, some classic Feng Shui tips can help rooms—especially your bedroom—feel more inviting. Here are some easy and inexpensive ways to improve your bedroom that may help you to have a more powerful orgasm.
1. Remove plants, office equipment, exercise equipment, and the television from your bedroom.
2. Remove photos of friends and family as well as anything you’re still holding onto that relates to former lovers from your bedroom. Do you really want your mother watching you make love? I’ll let you answer that one.
3. As often as you can, keep your windows ajar to keep the air circulating.
4. Display only positive images and those that inspire love within your bedroom. Sorry, but that means your Slayer poster has to be moved to another room.
5. Position your bed so it is approachable from both sides and sits as far away from the door as possible. Avoid having the foot of it directly facing any door, including that of your closet.
6. Place nightstands on either side of the bed.
7. Remove objects from underneath the bed.
8. Give your bed a headboard. Even if it’s one that’s just painted onto the wall.
9. Place something that will make you smile directly in line with where you stand when you open the door so that every time you enter the bedroom, it will bring a smile to your face.

57. Make Your Bedroom a Sacred Space
Your bedroom is where two things should happen: sex and sleep. And, on occasion, breakfast in bed. It shouldn’t be your second office, home gym, or where you watch television until you zonk out. Bringing those activities into the bedroom can make it harder for you to sleep peaceably and for lovemaking to happen. But by dedicating the space to these two activities and thus training your brain to associate only those activities with it, you’ll know that whenever you’re in the bedroom, it’s to engage in one of two acts. To keep your bedroom a place where you go to get away from it all, do your best to not bring work into the bedroom or use the surfaces in the room to pile up things that have to be taken care of. If you have a walk-in closet, use that as your dressing area. Of course, depending on your living situation—for instance, if you live in a studio apartment or dorm—it may not be possible to devote your bedroom solely to these two activities. If that is the case, section off an area where you engage in other things with the help of a curtain, bookcase, or screen.

58. Make a Playlist
To set the mood, sometimes you need a little mood music. Go through your music library and pull together a playlist of songs that will enhance future lovemaking moments. If you’re feeling stuck or aren’t familiar with today’s popular bands, sign up for Pandora or Spotify. Both services have a free option and can be used as tools to expand your musical knowledge. Just plug in the name of a band you do like and they will present you with a radio station based on that artist as well as a list of related artists.
I recommend that you put together a few playlists, as sometimes you’ll probably want a slow, romantic night and sometimes you’ll want to tear your lover’s clothes off and drag him into the bedroom. If you prefer CDs or vinyl to the compressed sound of digital recordings, then burn a CD or put together a stack of LPs that would be perfect for each occasion and place them by the CD or record player so you don’t have to fumble for them when you’re on your way to a great orgasm.

59. Use Romantic Lighting
Mood music is important when it comes to setting the scene and pace for lovemaking, but mood lighting is critical to creating a sensual space. Unfortunately, we tend to think about lighting a room from a utilitarian perspective. We think about what light fixtures will create the most light in a room, not what type of light to create.
When trying to create a cozy, comfortable space, stay away from bright ceiling lights, as these can make whomever is on the bottom feel as if they are being interrogated mid-coitus. Instead, purchase lamps that create tantalizing shadows across your body. If you still need bright lamps to read or dress by, place these on the nightstands so you can turn them off without having to get out of bed in case the mood changes from relaxation to play. To help this to happen, I encourage you to keep at least one sexually stimulating book within reach of the bed. Even a discreet one—like the erotic tales by Anaïs Nin—will do the trick when you want to encourage yourself or your partner to get in the mood.

60. Live by Candlelight
Candles are one of the most sensual types of lighting you can employ. They come in all shapes and sizes, from small tea lights to enormous pillars, and are available in a variety of scents. If you are going to use scented candles, select ones that give just a hint of aroma to the room so you don’t overpower the nose of you or your lover. Here are some scents that scientists have found to be effective at improving blood flow to the penis and causing arousal:
 •   Cinnamon
 •   Vanilla
 •   The combination of jasmine and rose
 •   Lavender
 •   Pumpkin pie
Of course, never leave an unattended candle burning. You want to light the flames of love, not burn the house down, so make sure to snuff out the flames before curling up into your lover’s arms for some zzz’s.

61. Get Great Sheets
Are you still using your old college sheets? If you’re no longer in college and they’re still in good condition, it’s time to clean these with color-safe bleach and promptly donate them. The goal is to achieve amazing orgasm after orgasm, and as the primary space for this activity is your bed, it’s important to outfit it properly with a quality mattress and luxurious sheets. Think about it: If you wanted to excel at running, you wouldn’t train in your flip-flops, so stop having sex on uncomfortable sheets.
When replacing your old standbys, opt for something that feels sensual to the touch. Silk and satin are classic sexy options, but they’re also not the most practical. They’re difficult to keep clean and while they are easy to move around on top of, you might find they’re a little too slippery. Instead, try Egyptian cotton sheets. Not only are they durable, they’re also easy to wash and last longer. Select colors that complement your skin tone or your eyes so you look even more ravishing when you’re lying on them. Oh, and don’t feel you need to throw umpteen pillows on the bed to make it look cozy. They’ll just be more things to move out of the way when you want to start fooling around
62. Get Off on Color

Color can have a profound impact on your mood, your ability to relax, your energy level, and your orgasm. Here’s a brief rundown on what psychological effects different hues can have so you can select the one that is best for your bedroom needs.
1. Red—Shades of red stimulate the senses, but can heighten energy levels and make it difficult to fall asleep.
2. Blues and Greens—These colors cause us to feel calm and at peace. They’re a great choice for the bedroom, though they may make some feel a little too relaxed.
3. Browns—This earth tone inspires coziness and connection with others.
4. Greys—As a psychologically neutral color, grey can inspire sensuality or it can dampen the mood.
If you’re not up for repainting, you can also introduce splotches of color by reupholstering a chair, purchasing a rug, or replacing your old comforter cover with one in a new shade.

63. Create an Enticing Pathway to Love
If you’re anticipating or planning a special night, take the time to not only transform your bedroom, but also to make the pathway leading to it a little more fun so your partner knows that something extra exciting is coming their way. Have that playlist you created a few tips ago playing softly when your partner arrives. Have a glass of wine or champagne waiting for each of you in the bedroom and leave a sex toy or two within view. (A tip for my male readers: Buy a small bouquet of roses and use it to sprinkle rose petals all the way down the hallway and onto the bed. It’s an inexpensive touch that will absolutely be noticed.) If you tap into what your significant other finds romantic when you’re picking out elements for the rendezvous ahead, you’re sure to help each other down the path toward a great orgasm and a memorable night.

64. Be Aware of Your Surroundings
You’ve worked hard to transform your home and bedroom into an inviting, sensual sanctuary. Make sure to take the time to appreciate it. Use the tools I’ve taught you to really take it all in. Smell the scents. Fall in love with the color and the cozy, comforting aesthetic. Run your hands over the new sheets. Then make a date with your partner—or yourself!—to really enjoy your new surroundings.

65. Build Intimacy
Unless the type of sexual relationship you are currently looking for involves a one-night stand or a friend with benefits, it will absolutely help your sex life to work toward developing a deeper level of intimacy—or closeness—with your partner. Doing so will help you to feel much more at ease in the bedroom and more open to confessing your desires to your partner. It will also help you feel more comfortable leading them down the right path when they’re not performing quite to your orgasmic satisfaction. Start by asking your partner what he considers intimacy to be—is it strictly a level of comfort, or something more? His answer could surprise you.

66. Be an Active Listener
One key aspect to feeling close with your partner—which can raise your oxytocin levels, and with them, the powerfulness of your orgasm—is to feel as if you two are communicating well. As you probably know, just because there are seemingly countless ways to communicate with your partner—to name just a few, there’s texting, e-mail, online chat, Skype, Facebook, Twitter … and actually calling one another—that doesn’t mean you’re communicating well. If you find you have a habit of not actually listening to your partner but rather waiting to speak or letting them talk as you engage in another activity (checking in on Foursquare, perhaps?), one important step toward building intimacy in your relationship is by actively listening. This means that you are not just hearing what they have to say but listening to the content of their speech and responding to what they just said in kind. It seems simple, but this can help your partner feel heard, appreciated, and loved, all those good things that you want them to feel, but you just haven’t known how to do.
Active listening can also be helpful when you’re in a disagreement with your partner. Here are some tools you can use during a fight so you can get back to the fun stuff. You know, the make-up sex. Here’s what to do. During a fight—or when you need to bring something to your partner’s attention that you know they’re not going to want to hear (especially if it’s some part of them that you want them to change)—try to begin your sentences with “I feel” rather than “You.” Doing so helps put your partner more at ease, or at least less on the defensive. Also, try to stay away from exaggerating words such as “always” or “never.” Think about it—how would you feel if someone said to you, “You never do X” or “You always do Y”? Your immediate response is to say, “No, I don’t!” instead of listening to try and understand what they’re trying to convey to you.
If you’re listening to your partner and keeping in mind the use of your “You” and exaggerative statements but your partner still doesn’t feel heard, here’s one more thing you can try. When they finish their thought, say something akin to “What you are saying is … ” and then relay the message you heard to make sure that you are understanding each other.
Hopefully these tips will help you and your partner communicate easier and with greater understanding and empathy, which will all pay off later … in the bedroom!

67. Gaze Into Each Other’s Eyes
Another important way to build intimacy is by gazing—not staring psycho killer–like—into your partner’s eyes. After all, the eyes are supposedly the windows to the soul. But did you also know that when a woman that a man is attracted to looks directly into his eyes, it causes his brain to release the pleasure-causing chemical dopamine? That means if he’s into you, you shouldn’t be shy about holding his stare, as the result is he’ll feel more connected to you. And with connection comes more oxytocin and with that, you guessed it, a better orgasm.

If you feel too vulnerable when you’re looking into his eyes, or just plain weird, that’s okay. But it’s important to give it a try when you’re with a partner that you trust or to address the underlying issues of why you feel uncomfortable with this type of intimate connection.

68. Create Romance
Romance isn’t all grand gestures. It’s not all walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight. It’s the little things. The unexpected, thoughtful things that make your partner feel cared for. Plus, with those smaller gestures, the mood tends to be more relaxed so both of you have a chance to take the spirit of romance behind closed doors when the moment strikes. Here are a few ideas to get you started: Cook a meal for your partner after a long day at work or with the kids. Leave a love note on your partner’s car. Surprise your lover with flowers and a lunch in the morning if you know he or she is going to have a busy day. Take your partner to a sporting event to see a favorite team. Grab and hold your partner’s hand when you’re at the dinner table. Give a big, close hug every time you see your partner. When you act selflessly and unexpectedly, your partner is likely to really appreciate it, and you’ll see the payoff in the bedroom.

69. Silence, Please! Try Word Fasting
One unique way to build intimacy is through not speaking. If you’re someone who finds it difficult not to talk, this exercise is especially great, as you’ll have to learn to be comfortable with not filling the room with conversation. But for any couple, this exercise is a fantastic way to get to know your partner just by watching their body language. Together, pick a day (or even just a few hours) during which you two will agree to be silent. This also means you’re not permitted to e-mail, text, or write notes to each other on paper. However, looking, laughing, and definitely touching each other are all permitted. When the designated time for the completion of the word fast has been reached, discuss what the experience of being silent was like for you. Did you enjoy it? Hate it? Did either of you learn anything that you want to integrate into your relationship?

70. Be Open about Your Desires
In new relationships or in relationships where sex has become routine and dull, it can be difficult to find the words to express your sexual desires to your lover. But, while it’s important to pick your battles—this is one worth picking! Your sexual happiness is important. And as most men love to please, having the confidence to tell them how they can better pleasure you is a win-win for both of you. As long as you do it with tact and aplomb and don’t bark orders at the poor guy, he’ll likely be enthusiastic to adjust his style. Just make sure to reward him by letting him know how good his new movements feel when he does. And who knows? Maybe he was hoping you would break the ice so you two could get out of your rut or so he could suggest something fun in the bedroom, too!

71. Use a Bead Jar
In her book Forty Beads, Carolyn Evans suggests that couples keep a jar next to the bed. If the man tries to make a move and the woman declines, the man puts a bead in the jar and the woman must be ready to have sex with him within the next twenty-four hours. When the deed is done, the bead is removed. Uh-huh. (For the record, putting time limits or bargaining elements on sexual activities is not fair, kind, or considerate. It puts undue pressure on your partner and can breed resentment. Besides, don’t you want to engage in sex with someone who is willing and interested?)
How about this twist instead? Place a jar next to your bed and find fun objects—wine corks, keys, marbles, etc.—and every time you want to do something nice between the sheets for your partner, you put that object in the jar. This signifies to your partner that sometime within the next twenty-four hours you’re going to pleasure them in any way they desire in the bedroom. The knowledge that you’re going to jump their bones and give them an amazing orgasm will certainly heighten their anticipation for the moment to arrive.

72. Give Feedback
Communicating what you want in bed is one thing. Letting your partner know whether or not they’re doing it right is another. While moans communicate to your partner that you’re feeling pleasure, sometimes it takes a little more than nonverbal communication to fully explain your needs. After all, your partner doesn’t live inside your body and can’t possibly know exactly how you like to be touched unless you show or tell them. When you give feedback, be constructive. Let him know if you’d like it “a little to the left,” or move him where you need him by using your hands. Or, if you’re feeling dry, tell him, “I think we need more lube.” Just also make sure to throw in compliments such as, “Wow, that feels incredible!” when he hits the sweet spot. By being clearer about how he’s pleasuring you, you’re more likely to develop a deeper sexual connection with him and you’re more likely to hit the big O.
The same goes for him. If you sense that he’s shy about sharing his desires and giving feedback in the bedroom, encourage him to open up by asking him to take your hand and show you how he likes to touch himself. Or as you’re going down on him or manually stimulating him, pause every so often to ask him questions such as, “Do you like it like this or would you prefer your (insert your preferred name for his male organ here) touched softer/rougher/differently?” As long as you indicate that you’re interested in pleasuring him as well, he’ll likely start to open up and become less shy about letting you know how he can best reach orgasm.

73. Be Honest about Your Past
No, this doesn’t mean you have to confess that you mooned everyone on the highway after too many martinis at your friend’s bachelorette party or that you gave your college boyfriend a blow job in the parking lot. It means that you need to be honest about your sexual history and open about any sexually transmitted infections you might have so that you and your partner can take the necessary precautions and be smart about sex. If you’re thinking about having sex together, here are some questions you might want to ask to ensure your sexual escapades begin smoothly. And having peace of mind will only help you have a great orgasm.
 •   Do you have any STIs that you are aware of?
 •   When was the last time you were tested for STIs? What did they find?
 •   What kind of sexual activity have you had since you were last tested? Did you use protection? Were bodily fluids exchanged?
If you and your partner are not 100 percent sure whether or not you have an STI, you should make sure to use condoms to protect yourselves. That said, some STIs, such as herpes, can be transmitted even if no bodily fluids are exchanged, which is all the more reason to make sure you are both tested. If you don’t have easy access to a doctor, go to your local Planned Parenthood clinic. They should be able to perform a blood test for you at a reduced cost.
 
DID YOU KNOW?
I don’t want to alarm you, but there are estimated to be 65 million people in America living with STIs. And, for instance, did you know that 35 percent of people who have herpes don’t even know it, and 75 percent of women who have chlamydia don’t know it? So, be smart. Before you have sex with a new partner, make sure both of you are tested. And if it’s been less than three months since one of you has had another sexual partner, be sure to use condoms until you’re tested at the three-month mark, as some STIs can take time to register positive.

74. Know When to Use Protection
There are a wide variety of options to help you have safe sex. From products that cover the penis to those that surround the finger to those that drape over female genitals, there is something on the market that is designed to prevent direct contact between the sex organs and thus prevent the transmission of STIs and, in some cases, pregnancy. A condom is essentially a protective sheath that rolls down the penis and catches the ejaculatory fluid, or come. Condoms come in various materials, but latex condoms are the most durable and, when used properly, are able to protect an uninfected partner from HIV and pregnancy. If you are allergic to latex, use a polyurethane condom in its place. Female condoms that fit inside the vagina are also available, though they are still not commonly used. Dental dams are square pieces of latex that cover the female’s genitals when her partner is performing oral sex. Finger cots, or condoms for a single finger, are particularly useful for anal stimulation or playing with the genitals.

75. Have Fun with Protection
When you’re putting on your protective gear, make it a sensual experience in and of itself. When he’s ready to be inside you, take the condom in your hands and roll it onto his penis as he’s running his hands all over your naked body. Or, if he prefers to put it on, kiss, lick, and touch other parts of him to help him stay aroused. Just because you’re being safe doesn’t mean you have to be boring!

76. Enjoy the Afterglow
During this intimate time, you may feel very close to your partner—women’s bodies release feel-good chemicals that bond them to their partner just after orgasm—and that the lovemaking has strengthened a bond between the two of you. Indulge in this sensation if it feels right instead of shying away into a less intimate space because of fear. However, if you and your partner were really just in it for a quickie, a tender kiss and a few sweet words should suffice.
And if you’re looking for another romp, that’s great—just keep in mind that at first you need to be gentle with your partner’s genitals. Following an orgasm, the clitoris and penis are very sensitive, and your partner may even shy away from your touch. After a certain period of time (which depends on your partner), your partner might be ready to go again, but you need to be patient. While you’re waiting, touch and kiss your partner’s other erogenous zones to try to rebuild sexual arousal.

77. Heal the Fear of Intimacy
As you create intimacy within your romantic life with the help of the tips I’ve suggested, keep in mind that some people have a fear of intimacy. This fear may stem from a history of being rejected, betrayed, or abandoned in nonromantic or romantic relationships. Or it could result from them being inexperienced in the bedroom, feeling less than confident about their body image, or having a fear of losing their identity within the relationship. Depending on your partner’s history, certain events may trigger the fear of intimacy within him. For instance, you may find that although you know he cares for you, he pulls away during the afterglow or that he has a difficult time holding your gaze.
If you begin to see signs of this fear and if this relationship is important to you, you may want to consider couple’s counseling or suggest your partner seek counseling on their own to work through their issues so you two can build a healthy romantic life together. If their fear of intimacy is relatively mild, letting them know and showing them that you can be trusted should help assuage their fear over time.

CHAPTER FIVE
Pleasure Yourself First
  
78. Pleasure Yourself
Now begins the fun stuff that you’ve been waiting for. You’ve found ways to become comfortable with your body, you’ve set the scene, you’ve learned how to relax, and you’re now ready to have a great orgasm.
One way to begin is by getting in touch with yourself. Literally. Growing up you probably heard all of the reasons why you shouldn’t masturbate: you’ll go blind, you’ll get hairy palms, it’s dirty, blah, blah, blah. I could go on. But masturbation is the best way to learn what works for you sexually (as well as what doesn’t), and learning about your sexual self will make you that much more confident and capable in the bedroom. Plus, masturbation can:
 •   Relieve headaches and stress
 •   Keep the pelvic floor toned, preventing urinary incontinence in older people
 •   Give you a break from sexual tension
 •   Alleviate menstrual cramps
Masturbation is also the safest form of sexual pleasure you can enjoy. So before you jump into bed with someone else, jump in bed with yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

79. Take Your Time and Disregard Distractions
Masturbation isn’t something that should be rushed. Of course, there are times when we’re feeling stimulated and just want to get off quickly and be done with it so we can get back to focusing on another activity; but when you’re exploring your body and finding out what arouses you, you don’t want to feel rushed. For these solo sessions, set aside some time for yourself when you won’t be under stress to go somewhere or have a looming to-do list.
Also, turn off your cell phone. This will not only squash your urge to check what those in your social network are up to, it will also prevent anyone from texting or calling you when you’re almost there.

80. Tap Into Your Imagination
For most of us, desire starts with a single thought or visual cue. When you’re on your own, even before you start touching yourself, start thinking about those things that turn you on. Refer back to that arousal map you created in Tip 44 and take yourself through your list of answers. If you love the feel of warm water on your skin, head off to the shower or bath. If you love a certain scent, light a candle. If there’s a certain person or celebrity you’re attracted to, imagine that person lying on your bed or walking through the door. Fantasize about how that might play out. Use the knowledge you took the time to explore earlier to turn yourself on when you’re on your own.

81. Have Fun with Visual Stimulation
While some people are able to rely mostly on their imagination to become aroused when masturbating, some require more direct visual stimulation to reach orgasm. That is just one of the reasons that men in particular enjoy porn (their brains are evolutionarily hard-wired for easy arousal and it’s almost just as easy for them to be stimulated by an image as it is by action). But, though most porn has been developed for the male viewer, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t images you can use to stimulate yourself visually. If traditional pornography—images or videos—aren’t your cup of tea, then consider watching a video designed specifically for female viewers. These movies often feature real-life couples engaged in more sensual acts. Or, find an image of someone you think is attractive. Look at it and let your imagination go wild while you’re pleasuring yourself.
 
FUN FACT
For a moment, I’m going to sound like the mother you never had. Porn is fine, but too much of it—like too much of anything, frankly—can be detrimental to your sex life. Recently, scientists discovered that continual overstimulation of the libido has the power to desensitize your dopamine production. Dopamine is the body’s primary “desire” chemical, so if its release only happens when triggered by over-sexualized imagery, you can imagine how this could be a problem. So, enjoy your porn … just in moderation.

82. Try a Different Position
How do you usually masturbate? While sitting? Standing? Lying on your back? Against the wall of the shower? Just because you’re on your own doesn’t give you a free pass to be lazy (although sometimes it’s okay if you are). It’s time to try something new. Experiment with a position you haven’t tried before. Twist your legs together for a different type of sensation. Try using your other hand. Because while you might find that, no, you can’t come on your hands and knees, you also might discover a better position in which to stimulate yourself than the one you’ve been relying on for years. And possibly a better orgasm as well!

83. Change Locations
It’s important to be comfortable while you’re masturbating, especially if you’ve never had an orgasm before or often have a difficult time reaching climax. But once you’ve gotten more effective at masturbating to orgasm, feel free to move around! If you’re feeling bored in your bedroom, try out different locations in your home like the shower, the bath, or the top of the dryer, and even consider going outside into nature. The thrill of changing places, and possibly getting caught, may give you an even bigger rush.

84. Make Noise!
When you pleasure yourself, don’t be shy. Instead of holding all those good feelings in, let them out! It might feel ridiculous at first, but letting go and moaning or saying whatever comes to mind can be a total turn-on. It also will likely help you to have an even better orgasm because you’re not focused on holding anything back. Making noise also helps you release your breath, which you might have not even noticed you were holding! If others are in the house, turn on some music to drown out your moans before you get going.

85. Touch Yourself Indirectly
You may think of masturbating as just a means to an end, but you don’t always have to take the fast track and enjoy no-frills masturbating. Every so often, don’t touch your genitals immediately. Try stimulating some of your erogenous zones. Run your fingers through your hair to stimulate your scalp, trace the curve of your stomach, run your nails along your thighs … find what works for you. And if you’re worried you might be silly, just ask yourself: Who is watching? No one has to know what you do alone in the privacy of your own bedroom if you don’t want to tell them. As you engage in self-love—not only of the genitals but the whole body—you’ll feel those fires burning even brighter down below.

86. Touch Yourself Directly
By now, after some time spent stimulating the rest of your body, you’ve likely worked yourself up into quite an aroused state. This is the best time to place your hands right on your genitals. Place your hand on top of your vulva (this is the entire vaginal area) and start to move it around slowly. Find and stimulate your clitoris. Pull on and play with your labia. Try inserting one finger into your vagina. Find the sensations that feel good and continue those. Then, go on a search to find others. Don’t be afraid to experiment with varying degrees of pressure in your quest to discover what turns you on the most. Even if it’s something you’ve never considered, trust yourself and your body and make the leap. You may find you love it.

87. Tease Yourself for a Bigger O!
A great way to suddenly increase your sexual pleasure and desire when you’re masturbating is by teasing yourself. When you are close to reaching orgasm—or if you’re having trouble getting past the plateau stage—take one hand off of your vagina and place it somewhere else you find erogenous. As you stimulate your erogenous zones with one hand, use the other to go close, but not touch your vulva. Pinch, scratch, use finger-light touches, and even consider licking your body for the purpose of arousal. By building sexual tension, you’ll be able to heighten the release that you’re looking for. Then, return both hands to your vulva and bring yourself to what will likely be a very powerful climax.

88. Go Hands-Free
Everyone’s doing it. Well, maybe not in bed, but in many other places in their lives. It’s an age of voice-activated chat, Bluetooth headsets, remote keys to unlock cars, and so on. If you’ve never considered trying to masturbate without using your hands, it’s worth at least a try. Set aside more time than usual to pleasure yourself, and then spark your desire and excitement visually or with your imagination. Imagine you or your ideal sexual partner touching you until you get worked up to the point of orgasm or until you just can’t help but reach out and touch yourself. If you can’t manage to come without using your hands, that’s okay, as few people can, but it’s just one more step to getting to know yourself even better.

89. Get Wet with Lubricant
Why should you go out and buy lubricant when plain old saliva has done the trick for years? Because saliva, while useful, dries quickly. If you have trouble staying wet while masturbating—or during sex—lubricants can help keep your genitals continually wet so you can enjoy pleasuring yourself for a longer period of time without the need to reapply. Lubricants can also help reduce friction in the vagina or anus and on the penis during sexual play when your natural lubrication isn’t enough. With friction comes chafing and pain, and the last thing you want to do when trying to pleasure yourself is to make yourself physically uncomfortable. That said, women should avoid using creams, lotions, or anything scented near the vagina, as these can irritate it and trigger yeast infections.

90. Try Water-Based Lubricants
Water-based lubricants are the most popular and the most recommended type of lubricants. They have been developed to be nonstaining, nonirritating, and safe to use with all condoms and sex toys. With the exception of those flavored for oral sex, most are tasteless and all are easy to wash off from yourself, your sheets, your toys, and your partner with soap and water. They’re not your only option, but they are a good starting place. They come in two main consistencies: liquid and jelly. The liquid types resemble a slicker version of your saliva and natural fluids, while the jelly types are noticeably thicker but last longer. If you are preparing for anal play or an extended sexual romp, opt for the jelly kind. But either way, these water-based lubricants can help keep the fun going for longer and increase your chances of experiencing an amazing orgasm.

91. Experiment with Oil as Lubricant
Another type of lubricant you could use while masturbating or during sex are plant-based oils, which feel great on the skin. If you’ve ever thumbed through a beauty magazine, you’ve probably come across an article touting the wonderful effects of safflower oil, olive oil, or avocado oil. Their high fat content makes them excellent moisturizers, so even if you don’t end up using them in the bedroom, try integrating them into your grooming routine.
But back to erotic play. The primary problem with oils is that they can weaken latex, so they shouldn’t be used with any latex condoms or sex toys. If you are using other methods of birth control—or are using vinyl condoms—then give your favorite natural vegetable oil a try. One fun one is coconut. It smells incredible and is easier to wash out of sheets, hair, etc. than other types. However, don’t use synthetic oil-based lubricants, such as petroleum jelly. These not only break down latex, they also tend to remain in the vagina or anus, which is uncomfortable and can lead to infection.

92. Slip and Slide with Silicone-Based Lubricants
Silicone-based lubricants are the slipperiest and longest-lasting lubricants on the market that are made for personal, sexual use. And when we’re talking about sex, slippery and long-lasting are good words to consider. If you’re planning on doing it in the water without a condom, use these since they won’t rinse off. However, be careful if you’re using them indoors, as you don’t want to crack your skull by slipping on a droplet. Also, these aren’t the ideal lubricants to use with condoms or silicone-based toys. They can cause condoms to break and they can degrade the materials in the sex toy, making it dangerous and unusable. For condoms and toys, use a water-based lubricant. But if you’re actually in the water, think of Baywatch and opt for silicone.

93. Stimulate Your Vulva
A woman’s primary sex organ is the vulva, which consists of the inner and outer labia, the clitoris, and the vaginal opening. So let’s talk about how to touch it in a way that will help you achieve orgasm. You may find it easy to turn yourself on by using some or all of the techniques I’ve mentioned, or it may take a few tries before you finally feel a spark. Either way, just go at your own pace. Before you move directly to touching the vulva, spend time running your hands over your other erogenous zones until you’re starting to feel good and are ready to move forward. When you do so, you may need a little extra lubrication or your own saliva, or natural fluids may be enough. Just don’t go in dry. It’ll be painful. Now is not the time or place to push forward in the face of adversity. Applying lubrication can be a sensual act in itself. Use gentle strokes across your vagina’s opening, up either side of the opening, and then end with your finger on your clitoris. Repeat this as long as it feels pleasurable, pausing between each stroke to allow yourself a moment to get excited in anticipation. Now start to explore the various areas of the vulva, allowing yourself to be guided by what you find pleasurable. Experiment with the direction and pressure of the strokes, and try gently squeezing or pinching the labia or clitoris.

94. Pay Special Attention to the Clitoris
As you learn what feels good for you down below, you’ll probably notice that your clitoris is your hot button of sexual excitement. However, you may find that touching it directly is too intense a sensation for you and that touching it through its clitoral hood is more pleasurable. Every woman’s body is different, so it’s up to you to experiment. Here are some ways to stimulate it if you do find touching it indirectly or directly to be exhilarating. Try taking your clitoris and pinching it between two fingers and gliding the hood back and forth over it. Try stroking it from side to side using varying degrees of pressure. Then try circles or figure eights.

95. Experiment with the Clock Exercise
While you’ve been playing around with your clitoris, you may have noticed that one side is more sensitive than another. It may be surprising, but even though the glans of the clitoris is small (at least when compared with the corresponding male glans), the nerve endings are not evenly distributed across it. Some reports say the upper left quadrant is the most sensitive and responsive to pleasure. But other studies suggest that the ten o’clock and two o’clock positions (think of this clock as if you are facing the clitoris, not looking down on it from above) are the most sensitive. Try touching yourself in all of these areas to discover which one makes you squirm in delight and inch closer to orgasm more than the others.

96. Love Your Vagina
Though some women can climax through clitoral stimulation alone, others need penetration. This can be accomplished just by using sex toys or your hands. While playing with your vulva, and adding some lubrication if necessary, tease yourself a bit by pushing your middle finger just a little way into your vagina and trying to keep your palm on top of your clitoris. This allows you to simultaneously stimulate the most sensitive part of your vagina and your clitoris. As you start feeling more turned on, you might want to lie on your stomach to give your clitoris and pubic bone a little extra pressure as they push against your hand. Use gentle rocking motions, moving up and down on your finger—and adding another if it seems like it would feel good—until you bring yourself to a mind-blowing climax.

97. Try a Blended Orgasm
Now that you’ve been experimenting with various ways to pleasure yourself, it’s time for you to try a more advanced technique: The Blended Orgasm. This is an orgasm that involves both the clitoris and the G-spot. Here’s how to reach it: When you are fully turned on and are able to easily slide your finger in and out of your vagina, reach in and try to locate your G-spot. It is a small but ridged and slightly raised area on the front wall of your vagina. And now that you’ve touched it, you may feel like you have to pee. Hold that thought. Though this is a feeling you’re not accustomed to, stimulating this area won’t cause you to urinate all over your sheets. Just continue to play with it and those signals will transform into an intense feeling of arousal that will bring you to the brink of being ready to come. At the same time, put your thumb or finger from the other hand on your clitoris and stimulate it in a way that you enjoy. Cue amazing orgasm.

98. Try the Showerhead
The shower can be a great masturbatory aid. One way you can take advantage of this mundane bathroom fixture is to position yourself so that the water is falling directly onto your clitoris. Touch your vulva and other erogenous zones at the same time and you’ll be excited in no time. If you have a removable showerhead, you can put it against your vulva to experience a steady or pulsating stream of water.

99. Touch Your Perineum
I’ve mentioned the perineum before as one of the primary erogenous zones, but I want to give you a few tips on how to stimulate it. While you’re masturbating, take one or two fingers of your other hand and press on this space. Begin gently and then work up the pressure as there are many nerves here, but the added pressure may cause added pleasure and result in a more intense orgasm.

100. Stimulate Your Anus
For the most part, you’ve probably focused on your primary sex organs while you’re masturbating. But it’s important to branch out from time to time. One of the ways you can do this is by playing with your butt. While you’re touching your vulva with one hand, reach around and play with your booty with the other. Caress it, slap it, knead it, whatever you like. After some time doing this, start by rubbing your finger on your anus in slow circles (you may need a little lubrication), and when you’re ready, slowly slip a finger inside. Move it around gently inside to see how it feels if you’ve never done this before. You may find that you have an orgasm out of nowhere. Later on, if you want to go back to using two hands on your vagina after you’ve engaged in anal play, just remember to wash your hands first.

101. For Him: Stimulate Your Penis
Though I have an inkling that if you’re reading this book, you’re female, it is possible that I am mistaken. To that end, I want to provide my male readers with some masturbatory guidance to supplement their existing knowledge on the subject. As you know, a man’s primary sex organ is the penis. And while you may have been masturbating since your early teenage years, I’ve got a few tips and tricks that may help to increase your pleasure. Begin by placing some saliva (or, ideally, a water-based lubricant) on the tips of your middle and index fingers and on the thumb of the hand you want to use. Start by gently stroking the head of the penis down to the base. Then, when you reach the bottom, place your hand on top of the glans and start again. Continue doing this, varying the pressure, until you’re ready for another type of stimulation. Add more lubrication and this time, instead of using just your fingers and thumb, use your entire hand. Continue to stroke your penis with a downward motion, lifting your hand each time you reach the base. Even though this feels great, don’t rush. Pause between each stroke of the shaft and head. Breathe. Anticipate the next wave of pleasure. This will let the sensation build slowly and allow you to focus more on the pleasure before it ends with a powerful ejaculation.

102. For Him: Play with Your Testicles
While you’re stimulating your penis and getting more and more aroused, try taking the other hand and using it to fondle your testicles. Start by running your fingers gently over your scrotum. Then, slowly begin to massage each testicle.
Try cupping them and moving your hand from the back to the front to stimulate all of the areas that you’ve overlooked in previous one-on-one sessions. Find the areas that give you goose bumps or a pleasurable shudder and continue to pay attention to those. Another way to stimulate the testicles is by pulling gently on the scrotum. Some guys enjoy tugging on it quite hard. But since—as I’m sure you know—this is a very sensitive area, begin with a light touch and work your way up to rougher play, as in this case, unexpected pain will undoubtedly lead to a delayed orgasm.

103. For Him: Use the Other Hand
For women, attempting to use the other hand during masturbation is an exercise in futility and frustration. More often than not, it results in fumbled attempts at pleasure and an inability to get the right angle to properly stimulate the right spots. It also gives us a deeper appreciation for your ability to bring us to orgasm with only your hands. But for men, masturbating while using the other hand isn’t as complicated. And because of that, switching to the other hand can give you the sensation of being touched by someone else. The result? Possibly, a more intense orgasm.

104. For Him: Use the Shower
A few steps back, I told women how to use the shower as a masturbatory aid. But men can take advantage of the shower as well. Align yourself so that the steady stream of the shower—or, preferably, the faucet of the bathtub—falls onto the glans of your penis. Focus on this sensation as you begin to stroke your shaft and pleasure yourself. Tease yourself by moving the glans in and out of the stream until you bring yourself to orgasm. If you have a removable showerhead, try this more intense move: Lie on the floor of the shower, put your penis underneath you so that it faces your feet (I know this move is a little unconventional. Try it anyway.), and hold the showerhead in such a way that you can alternate between stimulating the shaft and the glans. The combination of the pressure and the water stimulation should result in a great orgasm.

105. For Him: Master Ejaculation
If you’ve been having a difficult time during sexual play because of your tendency to ejaculate prematurely, use masturbation as a tool to slow yourself down. When you’re starting to approach orgasm, pay attention to the sensations that you are feeling. Do you feel a sensation of movement in your genitals? Does your breath quicken? Do you have the sensation that you must come … now?
By being aware of your body’s involuntary responses to pleasure and recognizing the point of no return, you can train yourself to stop coming before you want the event to be over.
Practice this for a few solo sessions, and then, once you believe you’ve found the point at which you can stop yourself and pull back from ejaculating, and the point at which you can’t, try this exercise: When you’re close to coming, but not yet at that unstoppable point, stop masturbating for a moment and distract yourself by thinking of things other than those that would turn you on. If you still feel like you’re ready to explode, place your thumb and index finger around the base of your penis or below the glans (try one method for one “rep” and the other method for another to see which method works best for you) and squeeze for twenty to thirty seconds. Once you no longer feel the immediate need to come, begin to get yourself close to orgasm again and stop yourself using the aforementioned method. Repeat this exercise several times before you finally let yourself ejaculate. Your orgasm should be incredibly powerful.
One more trick to help you with coming prematurely is to try squeezing your PC muscle just before that “point of no return.” For more on working your PC muscle, see Tips 253–256.

106. For Him: Try an Artificial Vagina
If women get to play with dildos and vibrators, I think men should reserve the right to use artificial sex organs to stimulate themselves if they so choose. Artificial vaginas (also known as “pocket pussies”) come in a wide range of styles, from those that are cast straight from the vaginas of adult porn stars to those that look like a mouth that you can slide into to simulate oral sex. Other artificial vaginas are a little more discreet, some resembling lotion bottles or just a plain silicone sheath you might put over a sword—in this case your own. With any of these, lubrication is necessary, so I’ve taken particular notice of the Tenga toys, prelubricated toys that are filled on the inside with ridges, like a real vagina, and even use a bit of suction to help you achieve a great orgasm. Want to try one out but feel too shy to walk into a sex store and buy one? That, my friend, is what the Internet was made for. Well, that and cat videos.

107. For Him: Try a Sex Doll
If you’ve been enjoying your pocket pussy but want to take it a step farther, there is one step beyond this: The sex doll. Unless you’ve seen Lars and the Real Girl, your idea of a sex doll may resemble those inflatable dolls that used to be commonplace at bachelor parties. They’re not necessarily a bad option, but I can’t imagine that their hard seams and super-slick plastic are terribly fun to have sex with. They are, however, much less expensive than the realistic sex dolls on the market. But there’s a reason. Those sex dolls look and feel (mostly) like touching and having sex with a real person. Each doll will run you a couple thousand dollars—but they’re durable and receive mostly rave reviews from their customers. However, if you are in a relationship, sit down and discuss the idea that you want to order a sex doll with your partner, as this may not sit well with her. During this conversation, you can address her concerns as well as your reasoning for wanting a sex doll. If your reasons are tied to your dissatisfaction with your current sexual relationship, this could also be the time to begin to work through those issues (i.e., before spending thousands on an inanimate object).
 
DID YOU KNOW?
If you want to have great sex and experience intimacy, a willingness to be sexually vulnerable is a must. Most people protect themselves when they are around other people. This is true even in sex. We tend to be wary of others hurting us, so we keep a layer of protection around our hearts just in case. Then, if a partner does something that we associate with rejection, criticism, or any of our other favorite fears, we say, “I knew it! I knew this would happen! It’s a good thing I didn’t let myself get completely vulnerable—because then, I’d be even more hurt.”
Opening up to your partner is an act of great trust. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself if you want to heal your old wounds and realize that you can trust yourself to deal with whatever happens to you.
Being openly vulnerable can also help you see that the pain another person’s behavior triggers in you tells you that you still need to heal in yourself. Pain is not necessarily bad; it can reveal to you the areas in your unconscious belief structure that need to be updated. It shows you where you need to focus in your journey toward wholeness.