I sit and wait.
Alone.
Hell, not even sure what I am waiting for. Nothing here in this room but myself ...bad memories and this knife.
I pick up the blade and turn it over in my hands. Its promise lays quiet but final. Its whisper continues in my head and tries to tempt me down this path, this last long road. A destination that holds the hope to finally lay still the torment of voices and misplaced emotions that torture my every waking moment.
Innocence ...seems like a lifetime ago when last it graced me, and perhaps it was...
My parents got a divorce when I was thirteen, maybe that was for the best. My childhood rang out to the sounds of infighting and arguments. They say that opposites attract but if you ask me the end result annihilates them both.
They fought constantly over how best to raise me. My father was a man governed by logic and method, he worked as a engineer and guess he saw my upbringing as some sort of blueprint that should never waver. He taught me never to give in to me emotions, never to cry, never to show weakness. My mother? Well, she was a different soul entirely. She was a buyer for some fashion label or something but she was a free spirit, loving and creative but totally lacking in discipline. Knowing this I pushed the boundaries ...smoked weed ...drank ...stayed out.
Though they might still have loved me, any love they had for each other had long since evaporated
My mother got the house in the suburbs, my dad moved out and bought an apartment overlooking the river. For the most part I live with my mother and stay with my dad on alternate weekends.
It was a few months after the divorce that my Uncle, my mom's deadbeat brother dropped by claiming he was out of money and out of luck and just needed a place to lay his head for a week ...maybe two.
My dad was of course dead set against the idea when he found out about it but as far as my mother was concerned he had little say in the matter and she wasn't willing to turn her brother away. She never asked for a cent from him in return just that he might help out with odd jobs around the place and that he might babysit me.
I mean shit, it's not like I needed babysitting, I was thirteen for fucks sake. I didn't mind so much though, I liked my uncle. He was nearly ten years older than his sister, my mom, and he was hella cool. Least I thought so at the time. His idea of 'babysitting' was taking me to Heavy Metal concerts and parties so what's not to like and I loved the attention that I got as his 'little' niece. All his friends treated me like I was one of them ...it was cool just hanging out with them.
Not everything was perfect though, my uncle had a bit of a drug problem. When he did make money, he made it as a mid level dealer usually in shit like 'pot', 'coke' and ecstasy pills. At first he kept all these dealings from me, I didn't know at the time but he was dealing at these concerts and parties we went to.
The more I hung with him the more I got to know about his shady shit and the less he bothered to hide it from me. I had tried weed and so it wasn't that big of a deal to move on to some of his merchandise when he offered it to me.
A couple of months went by like this. A seemingly never ending round of parties, back street deals and fun. The next 'step' we took was a little bigger, a little more daunting but I took it because I really loved him.
I was fourteen and my Uncle was twenty nine the first time we had sex.
He didn't rape me. I consented willingly if a little nervously. My mom was working late and he and I were at home. We were smoking a little weed and he suggested that we watch a 'funny' movie. He wasn't meaning a comedy though, he had put on an porn movie. Its not that I was prudish or anything, far from it, but I had just never actually seen adults screwing before but I found my eyes were transfixed on the screen as some stud pounded away between the legs of some porn starlet.
I didn't notice initially that my uncle had shuffled closer to me. I only became aware of him when his arm glided across my shoulders and his fingers started to gently toy against my neck. I didn't pull away ...I didn't object, far from it, it felt good ...better than good. I felt something run through me that I usually only felt when I would play with myself late at night when I was alone.
I looked at him ...he was smiling. A smile that I couldn't help but return, a smile that was reflected in my eyes as he beckoned me closer to him. It was then that he showed me how to touch him, just like the film, how to use my fingers and then my lips ...how to use my tongue against him to elicit pleasure. After that he slowly started to pull my clothing away, and returned the favour. He got to his knees as I sat on the sofa and buried his face between my nervously shaking thighs. The first time his tongue touched me there I felt as though I couldn't breath ...as if every sense had been robbed from me but the sensations that rippled through my body at the dance of his tongue. By now the movie playing in front of us was all but forgotten ...we were too caught up in each others bodies.
The next morning we swore to keep our relationship a secret and in him I found a friend, a lover and a man I could look up to. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my dad deeply, but he was so cold and distant that I could never talk to him and sure as hell not about 'feelings'. In my uncle I had found in many ways the perfect parent. He was willing to listen to me, explain things to me and help me, something my dad never did ...and unlike my mother who would just let me fly free, he was imposing some limitations on my 'wildchild' behaviour.
He loved me ...I loved him, everything should have been perfect ...it wasn't though. My uncle had gotten himself into some deep shit. He had some really bad friends, some guys he knew from his drug dealing side life and he owed these guys a lot of money.
Part of the problem was he had been charged with selling some drugs for these guys but instead he had been snorting it up his own nose or giving it away to friends for favours. Apparently he had only intended to use a little for himself and sell the rest, upping the price a little to cover what he had used ...but it all soon got out of control and before long he had given away or snorted nearly all of it.
When his 'friends' found out about this they were plenty pissed as you can imagine and they threatened to kill him if he didn't pay them back. With this ever growing threat over his head my uncle became increasingly stressed and in turn he took it out on me. Sex between us became rougher and started to hurt more. When I would complain about it he would slap me. In his desperation to make money to pay off the dealers he got me to pose naked and perform lewd acts for both photograph and webcam and sell these things off to friends or through illicit web sites.
Emotionally this was hurting me so much ...the guy I loved and thought loved me was just using me to try and dig himself out of a hole. Course, I was in a hole myself by being involved with him.
I tried to put a stop to it, I said that I wouldn't have sex with him any more and threatened to expose his drug dealing to my mom. I was near to tears when I laid down the law and something inside him must have broken down too. He dropped to his knees and pulled me close to him. He begged for me to forgive him and that he was sorry for all of it ...all the pain ...all the hurt, and how he wanted things to get back to how they were between us. He said he had a plan ...a way to make some money that would get those guys off his back.
I believed him.
It was just one week later than my life changed, that I was thrown into a fateful weekend that will forever be burned into my memory.
My mom had gone out on a date with her new 'boyfriend of the week', this left me alone with my uncle and in an effort to try and make some money he had planned to have a weed sale. This was all unknown to me at the time as I was in my bedroom and surfing the net on my laptop when I heard raised voices coming from downstairs.
Three guys had showed up and were yelling at him, I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but it sounded threatening. The next thing I knew my uncle was marched upstairs and my bedroom door was opened.
He stepped through, a sheepish and beaten expression on his face, with him were three other guys ...all in their twenties from the look of them.
“This the little bitch?” came the gruff sneering voice from the lead.
My uncle just nodded. I found out later that these three were the guys he owed big time. Seemed they had come up with a payment plan of their own...My uncle had trouble looking me in the eye and one of the guys behind him prodded him hard in the back. “Fucking go on then!” he spat.
“Get undressed.” came the simple dejected instruction from the man I had loved. “Do it ...now. Fucking do it.” his tone becoming a little more desperate with each passing second.
I was scared, I didn't know what to do. Unknown to me, one of the guys had told him downstairs that if he wanted to pay off his debt, that I would serve as payment.
“Get your fucking clothes off!” my uncle yelled out to dislodge me from the shock I was feeling right now. “They will fucking kill me if you don't. You have to do everything they say ...please.” his eyes were pained and I barely caught the whispered 'I'm sorry' at the end of his desperate plea.
“Fucking cunt.” the lead guy shoved my uncle out of the way and sent him crashing into the ground as he strode forward towards my bed ...towards me. His eyes dripping with a primordial lust.
He grabbed me, as he did so my laptop spilled to the floor and I tried to pull away. A second later the other two were on me tearing at my clothes ...ripping them from me. I tried to struggle against this flood of fingers but at fourteen I had no hope against one guy, let alone three of them. I looked over to my uncle ...fear and water welling up in my eyes but he couldn't ...wouldn't meet my gaze. He wanted no part of the hell he had just cast me into.
“Stop fucking struggling bitch.” the guy who spoke emphasised his demand with a hard slap to my face. “Fucking stop it. Less you struggle the easier it will be. Cause if you don't, I will fucking fist fuck your ass with my arm. Got it? Bitch!” there was so much determined hate in his voice.
My struggle stilled ...but the fearful shaking I couldn't control. I just tried to zone out, aching for it all to end ...but I couldn't push away the sensations of their touch on my body. It wasn't soft and tender like it had been with my uncle at the height of our relationship. This was bestial ...clawing ...no concern for pleasure other than their own and an unyielding eagerness to taste the forbidden fruit my uncle had been enjoying for a while.
The hands of one guy cupped around my budding breasts, his thumb and forefinger roughly rolling at tugging against my nipples, a gleeful expression on his face when he pushed me back against the bed and took his lips to my flesh. My instinct was to try and pull away from him but this resulted in another hit, not a slap like before but a full on punch in the gut.
My eyes went wide, I struggled to claw breath into my lungs as I reeled from the impact. Tears of pain and anguish clouded the view of these three thugs as they pawed my body but it didn't fog up the sensations of them ...as much as I hoped they would.
The lead guy was at the foot of the bed, his hands clutching my ankles while he watched one of his co-conspirators eagerly suckle at my underdeveloped breast while the other was unzipping his jeans.
The first time he drove his cock into my mouth I almost gagged. There was no gentle exploration and teasing as there had been with my uncle, this was just full force face fucking. He stunk of sweat, body odour and beer as his hands wrapped against the side of my head to hold me still while his crotched rocked roughly back and forth and all to the tune of his pleasured grunting.
My stomach churned at the sensation of his cock driving into my mouth but in honesty that was nothing compared to the sudden gagging reaction that struck me as his balls unloaded at the back of my throat. He held me tight to his crotch as his meat twitched and buck in my maw ...each throb lacing another ribbon of his seed against the back of my throat. Finally he released his hold and instinct took over ...I struggled to pull away from him and turned to the side, retching as I did so, trying to free myself of the vile cloying taste that filled every breath and threatened to drown me. My reaction was met with raucous laughter from the three. But this was just the start of my ordeal.
With the first one spent, the one who had been roughly tugging at my nipples and subsequently and gruffly fingering me now moved to free his own cock. It was standing tall, a good seven inches and hard from the touch and taste of my body.
He swapped a look with his 'boss' who was still holding my ankles to prevent me kicking. The lead guy made a gesture with his head that seemed to convey what his subordinate could do. Which as it turned out was to repeat the violation of the first cock.
He moved up my body, his hand gripped tightly around his shaft, pumping it as he neared my face. My eyes were wide with desperate fear, by now I had given up on the vain hope that my uncle might bring all this to an end.
“Open her fucking mouth will ya.” came his rough instruction to his spent friend. The man grinned and complied ...I tried to resist as he forced his fingers in my mouth but he closed off my nostrils and I could only resist so long before I was once more clawing for breath. At that point he forced his large hand against my lower jaw and lay on incredible pressure with his thumb and index finger to ensure my mouth remained open.
Above me was the vile sight of this second guy as he furiously started to pump his shaft, the air between us rich with the sickening scent of his masculinity. He gasped suddenly as the first spasm took him, through gritted teeth he looked down on me, enjoying the sight as he reached his short strokes.
With that he hovered the head of his cock over my open mouth as it twitched and laced the first string of cream against my skin. It was only then he plunged his meat into my mouth and pressed his groin hard against me making sure every last drop of his foul violating seed found its mark at the back of my throat. He held it there for so long I came close to passing out ...if I only I had, then I might have been spared knowledge of the worst that was to come.
By now it was the turn of the lead guy, the one who my uncle owed and he wasn't going to be satisfied with my mouth, far from it. He wanted a taste of the forbidden fruit between my legs. The spent pair of guys each took a side of me, prising apart my legs and gripping my inner thighs tightly while at the same time they held my shoulders down hard against the bed.
With my body held taut and in position he broke free the grip against my ankles and moved up along my naked body. Clearly whatever 'man' he was had slipped away and what was left was this beast who only wanted to slake his thirst.
He lowered his head between my thighs, his tongue flicking across my soft young lips now fully exposed to him. He twisted his lithe muscle a little so as to slide it lengthways against the entrance to my body. I couldn't struggle, I could only cry and beg ...but this bought no let up from his touch and from the soft dry chuckles I know it only turned him on more and that my desperate cries gave him a deviant pleasure.
His tongue slid further down the cleft of my fold, pushing forward and seeking out deeper pleasures. Then it was as though he couldn't hold himself back and his tongue took on a sudden increased eagerness as it thrust and probed into me. I begged and pleaded with him to stop but it only energised him to the point where his tongue was so deeply buried into my pussy that his face was crushed hard against my crotch.
Finally he pulled away, but the respite was brief and only replaced by his fingers ...one at first, then two. Both of them worming their way into me. The pain of his rough fingerbanging bought sobs to me and another wave of begging. This only caused him to quicken his movements. I don't know how long this lasted only that by the time he pulled his fingers free of me that my body was shaking uncontrollably and so wracked with pain that the world around me felt as though it were swimming.
By now the canvas of his jeans had been shrugged off and his thick length bounced free of its captivity. The thickly veined and prominent shaft tipped with an already engorged head. I shook my head and pleaded with him not to fuck me ...but it was all for nothing and only served to heighten his pleasure at what was to come
He knelt between my legs and with one hand wrapped about his cock he started to rub the head against my pussy, following the crease of my lips. Then he spat against his cock and used his hand to rub the spittle along the length. His fingers moved to my hairless centre and for a moment ground against me in a circular motion before he used his thumb and index finger to part my outermost flesh.
His meat toyed at my entrance for a moment or two before he unceremoniously drove forward and plunged his entire length inside. I screamed out ...pain ...fear ...a sea of desperate emotions gripped at me as he invaded my body. This wasn't the first time I had been fucked, far from it but my uncle had never been as rough as this, the man pistoning between my thighs saw me as meat, nothing more.
I cried out as the head of his cock hit against the depths of my opening, the pain bringing a renewed wave of tears to my eyes and with it an increased urgency in his fucking. One of his hands reached forward and crushed against one of my budding breasts, his fingers clawing against my skin, digging into the flesh and drawing crimson beads and never once breaking his rhythm within me.
He continued to plough into me until his strokes quickened, each inward thrust bringing a cry of pain to my lips and a grunt of pleasure to his. In the midst of this he looked down at my small frame, his rich grin dripping from his face as he drew every ounce of pleasure from my flesh that he was able.
A moment later he tensed up ...then shivered, unable to stifle a low loud groan of pleasure as his hot shaft bucked inside me and sprayed his cum deep within me.
Only when he pulled his flagging cock from my body did unconsciousness find me....
...When I woke they had gone, only my uncle remained and he was looking at me in disgust as though all of this was my fucking fault! He warned me not to say anything to my parents else those men would be back and rape me again.
So it was that a month went by and I remained silent. My uncle continued to use me for his pleasure but there was no love left in me for him, I had nothing for him ...too broken to even show him hate. He became angry with my lack of 'emotion' or anything else and started to get angry, his anger spilling out into physical violence against me. He then said the most hurtful thing I had ever been told. He said that I would be alone forever if I rejected him, that I was nothing more than a slut ...that I was a worthless cunt and common rapebait and that was all I would ever be good for.
My self esteem never really recovered from that point. A couple of weeks later my uncle moved out of my mom's house, he lied to her that he had found a job and was moving on but his words continued to torment me.
It was about two and a half months after I was gangraped that I had a breakdown. I just couldn't take it anymore. I drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and passed out hoping that I would die and be free of all this. I didn't though, I woke up in a hospital feeling sore and with a raw throat from the stomach pump.
My mom was crying at my bedside and asked me why I had done this ...I just broke down, it all came out. I told her everything, about her brothers drug deals, about our love affair, about the rape ...about everything.
My world was in a spin after than, it was hard to focus on anything. My uncle was arrested and charged with drug possession and accessory to my rape. I found out that the two guys that had face fucked me were arrested for rape, not just mine but several others, as well as assault with a deadly weapon. The leader, the guy that fucked me had managed to escape lawful justice but not street justice, he was apparently killed when a drug deal went bad.
The two men got fifteen years, my uncle got off though, well, except for the drug charges that were bought against him. Though that is simply because I refused to testify against him, I never contradicted his story that he was a victim of those gang members and that he feared for his own life if he hadn't have done what he had done.
In the end I just couldn't reject him, maybe a part of me feared that what he said was true ...what if no one would ever love me like he did?
My dad of course blames my mom for leaving me in such a dangerous position with her 'loser fuck-up' brother. He shouts at me for not testifying against him and helping send him down. He is convinced I am just covering for him ...I just wish I could tell my dad the real truth but he shuts down whenever I try and talk about feelings and emotions.
My mom got me to go to a shrink a couple of times a month but she just treats me like I am a case study from a text book and I feel the whole thing is a waste of time though she was somewhat helpful in prescribing me Prozac to treat my severe anxieties and 'post traumatic stress disorder', as I have so neatly been pigeon-holed as having now.
She says I need to learn to trust people again ...to leave my house on occasion but I find it all too much and very difficult to be around grown men. I have been free of the drugs since I turned fifteen but I still hit my moms drink from time to time when I get too down.
For all of this though I still crave a male role model. I just wish I could get through to my dad, desperately crave his affection. I think he 'loves' me but I need him to show it, I feel so empty ...I want to cry in his arms and just have him hold me, protect me ...to keep the darkness from my thoughts. All he does though is lecture me on some life lesson and tell me to act like an adult.
...but i'm not an adult, I am fifteen for fucks sake. I'm just a kid, I feel as though my whole childhood was torn from me. All I want are my parents back together ...its my fault they split, every argument was about me. Everything is my fault ...I am good for nothing. My uncle was right, why would anyone want to love me again.
My eyes fall back to the knife and the promise it holds ...it whispers that I can be free, that it will make all of this go away, and in the end, thats all I want now.
I draw the blade up along my wrist, weird really, but as I draw a line under my life I am reminded of something I once read ...the only way to be sure, go 'up the street, don't cross the road' This time I want to be sure, I can't take waking up in the hospital once more ...I can't take waking up.
I repeat it against the pale flesh of my other arm. It stings at first ...but the pain retreats into a welcoming throb, a throb that brings a warm wetness with it. I place the knife at my side and lay back on my bed, my vision fixed on the ceiling fan as it thrums the air above me.
The kiss of cool air feels so good against the heat of my skin.
I can feel the throb and the wet warmth against my skin ...with it I feel a pull to close my eyes and sleep ...for the first time in what seems an age I think my thoughts are at peace.
Maybe the rest of me will be too soon.
I am dimly aware of a car pulling up in the driveway ...not that it matters.
My eyes flutter ...its harder to keep them open.
I don't think I will...
